[Cat1864]

Why would I post on here about what I should be doing for her? If I am correct, this forum is called askmehelpdesk. I cannot ask about what I am doing for her to you, as I already know that and you do not. I can only ask questions here for myself so your point is invalid.

What you still seem to not understand is that everything in a relationship is interconnected.

When you only talk about what she does, you are only giving us half the problem and leaving out other clues that could point to a need for different advice. We are left trying to understand what is going on and running around in circles because you are focusing on one aspect.

You may have gotten past the frequency, but you are still focusing on the bed. You are still focusing on not wanting to be perceived as the less dominate person. You don't want to look weak or to feel like she is taking charge. It is all about you.

I asked if you see her as an equal. Instead of saying 'she is my equal or partner', your answer was "I am an equal to her..." That is how you see yourself, not her.

Your attitude in how you talk to her and the words you choose are as important as her responses. If you come across as expecting her to be subordinate to what you want, then she probably won't respond in a positive way. If you approach the discussion from a position of wanting to compromise and work with her, then she will probably open up more.

Being open to talking, listening, and compromise is not being weak or giving her the upper hand. It is being a partner.

As for starting the conversation, (when you are not in the bedroom or getting ready for bed) let her know you are curious about the teasing. Don't make it a confrontation. Just ask a very simple question.

On printing this out (or having it up) for her to read, it can be a way to start the conversation. It can also let her see how you feel without you having to say the words.

I really hope you can learn that inner strength is not being dominant all the time or being afraid of looking weak.

[1102568]

What you still seem to not understand is that everything in a relationship is interconnected.

When you only talk about what she does, you are only giving us half the problem and leaving out other clues that could point to a need for different advice. We are left trying to understand what is going on and running around in circles because you are focusing on one aspect.

You may have gotten past the frequency, but you are still focusing on the bed. You are still focusing on not wanting to be perceived as the less dominate person. You don't want to look weak or to feel like she is taking charge. It is all about you.

I asked if you see her as an equal. Instead of saying 'she is my equal or partner', your answer was "I am an equal to her..." That is how you see yourself, not her.

Your attitude in how you talk to her and the words you choose are as important as her responses. If you come across as expecting her to be subordinate to what you want, then she probably won't respond in a positive way. If you approach the discussion from a position of wanting to compromise and work with her, then she will probably open up more.

Being open to talking, listening, and compromise is not being weak or giving her the upper hand. It is being a partner.

As for starting the conversation, (when you are not in the bedroom or getting ready for bed) let her know you are curious about the teasing. Don't make it a confrontation. Just ask a very simple question.

On printing this out (or having it up) for her to read, it can be a way to start the conversation. It can also let her see how you feel without you having to say the words.

I really hope you can learn that inner strength is not being dominant all the time or being afraid of looking weak.

I am not afraid at looking weak at all and if I am perceived as weak by her then so be it. It only bothers me that she is looking at the relationship in a dominant/submissive way and is trying to dominate me (which I would be okay with, except the way she is doing it is just disrespectful. I can be dominant and respectful is my point) I refuse to back down to someone being disrespectful to me, especially as she would see it as a 'victory' over me, which is just morally wrong in my mind as it is purposefully oppressive. I do see what you mean about printing it out etc, but I think she would be offended, especially as I have been discussing her and the relationship for over a month to 'strangers' on the internet. And most people seem to be taking her side anyway which is what I expected, everyone is brainwashed nowadays by society and their upbringing to be sexist to guys. If she was on here with the same question I assure you the answers would be very different. I might add that I am the natural dominant one in the relationship (unintentionally/subconsciously) except for recently in the bedroom now she seems to be using these tactics on me.

I am also going to own up and say that I have cried in front of her once or twice, so I am definitely not bothered at all about looking weak.

Am I wrong to be worried about showing her this printed out? Should I approach her differently? Should I just blurt it out at a random moment to get this over with and try not to raise my voice too much? This has been on my mind far too long now and I think I might start causing more problems in the relationship due to my suppressed bad mood soon, I have never shouted at her before, but I feel that it is going to be inevitable if she keeps this up and I don't tell her in some way that this seriously bothers me and that I am progressively feeling bad towards her. You know what? I am feeling more confident about getting my point across as I write this now, I'm just going to go tell her everything. I don't care about the outcome right now, if she leaves, she leaves. I'm not living in this constant war with her one way or the other...

[Cat1864]

Your last response came up while I was writing this. I am still going to post it. I hope you remember to listen as well as speak. Good Luck.

And most people seem to be taking her side anyway which is what I expected, everyone is brainwashed nowadays by society and their upbringing to be sexist to guys. If she was on here with the same question I assure you the answers would be very different.

Yes, she would get different answers because she would be a different individual.

Male or female, you will still end up getting the same advice from me. Because you are the person on the other end of this discussion. It is you and your thoughts and attitude I am responding to, no one else.

If it seems like I am taking her side, it is because I see how you interact with us. If you are this stubborn in discussing things with her, I can see where a disconnect occurs. I don't think either of you are to blame or fully innocent in all of this. I do think both of you need to learn how to work together as equals. If you find yourself making most of the decisions, back up and give her a chance and the encouragement to make the next one. If you feel like she is manipulating you into making decisions, tell her you are leaving this one up to her. Or sit down and discuss the issue. There may be times when you are rushing in to fix a problem when all she wants is to work through her own thoughts by discussing it. This could lead to her not talking because she needed you to listen, not take action.

I think you are probably a great guy who is caught up in putting grains of sand under the microscope. Put the microscope away and enjoy the beach.

[Homegirl 50]

I think this first relationship for both of you is not working and neither of you want to let go. You may be more attached that she is but it's obviously no longer working for either of you.

[talaniman]

LOL, you are a lousy listener, and a bit to defensive, but if you want things to be better, then you better learn the proper way to communicate with your female and get this impasse resolved.

It's no coincidence in my book if you have bedroom problems because that's a symptom of a greater problem in other areas of the relationship. Maybe that's the only place she has power or can get your attention. Hard to say, but you will never find the problem, or a solution without honest communications.

[1102568]

Okay, we had the talk. I was a lot sterner than normal and I think I scared her a little, instead of her just brushing it off and ignoring me she broke down crying almost instantly without me raising my voice at all. I think she could tell I was serious this time and wasn't taking me too seriously previously. She said that she hadn't really thought about how horrible she was being by deliberately arousing me from my sleep, pretending to be wanting sex and making me want it too and then going to sleep. She says that she wasn't thinking and is truly sorry and I believe her as she seemed so scared that we were breaking up and very upset. To make the situation a bit nicer, I smiled and asked her if I could act a bit better too and I listened to what she had to say (And yes, I am taking your listening advice). She said that it would be nice if I did a little more of the housework and I agreed that she does around 70% of it and was unfair, I just got used to her doing it. I took her out to the cinema to cheer her up and we had a great day. I think it went well.

[JudyKayTee]

"Okay, we had the talk. I was a lot sterner than normal and I think I scared her a little, instead of her just brushing it off and ignoring me she broke down crying almost instantly without me raising my voice at all."

You are one scary, controlling, abusive guy. You just managed to sum yourself and your relationship up in very few words.

[Homegirl 50]

I think that is pretty pitiful, you scared her into talking to you. Maybe she is staying with you out of fear as well. Maybe this is the reason she wants no sex with you too.

[1102568]

It was not my intention to scare her, she seemed scared of losing me is all. And I am not abusive or controlling at all. I believe and hope that if she truly didn't want to be with me she would leave and I am okay with that as I respect her. If I lose her, but she is happier without me then so be it.

[JudyKayTee]

"It was not my intention to scare her, she seemed scared of losing me is all. And I am not abusive or controlling at all. I believe and hope that if she truly didn't want to be with me she would leave and I am okay with that as I respect her. If I lose her, but she is happier without me then so be it."

These are words, "pretty" words meant to reassure you, reassure us, defuse the situation, make the relationship look better than it looks on paper. We don't know you - we only know you from your own description of your actions.

You are abusive. You understand fear and afraid, right? You appear to badger and badger and badger her - and then your response is that if she is unhappy she will leave.

I'd suggest fewer words and more action.

I saw you turn aggressive and abusive toward long-time, respected AMHD members after you admittedly diagnosed someone's mental illness on another thread. Perhaps you should take your own words to heart - "Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. " and seek professional intervention in your current relationship. You had a passive/aggressive response right from the beginning. You were so busy being p/a that your words don't even make sense: " I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it ..."

What? Who said you enjoy your sister's mental illness? If this is your "on line" personality I am guessing your "in person" personality is similar - and I think it's abusive.

Why are you trying so desperately to hold onto this relationship? There are 89 posts back and forth and nothing has been resolved. I see a lot of what you're going to do - and a lot of what you haven't done.

I think you have issues, and posting a gadzillion times and never reaching resolution is foolish and time wasting. You don't want opinions and advice. You want to be right.

[1102568]

'These are words, "pretty" words meant to reassure you, reassure us, defuse the situation, make the relationship look better than it looks on paper. We don't know you - we only know you from your own description of your actions.'

-No these are honest words

'You are abusive. You understand fear and afraid, right? You appear to badger and badger and badger her - and then your response is that if she is unhappy she will leave.'

No, I do not badger her at all. Have you not read my posts? I did not talk to her as she refused to listen, I took advice from members here TO talk to her.

'I saw you turn aggressive and abusive toward long-time, respected AMHD members after you admittedly diagnosed someone's mental illness on another thread. Perhaps you should take your own words to heart - "Anyone who comes onto AMHD or any website for that matter looking for a diagnosis is stupid, they should seek the professionals. " and seek professional intervention in your current relationship. You had a passive/aggressive response right from the beginning. You were so busy being p/a that your words don't even make sense: " I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it ..."'

-I did not turn aggressive, I was defensive. I know what I did was wrong and I admitted it and this is not related to this post so drop it.

'" I do not get any satisfaction from seeing my sister suffer every day and I am not proud of it ..."

'What? Who said you enjoy your sister's mental illness? If this is your "on line" personality I am guessing your "in person" personality is similar - and I think it's abusive.'

-That was my whole point, it's called sarcasm.

'Why are you trying so desperately to hold onto this relationship? There are 89 posts back and forth and nothing has been resolved. I see a lot of what you're going to do - and a lot of what you haven't done.'

-If you had paid attention and read my last post, it seems my girlfriend wants to be in this relationship too. Also, again if you had paid attention. This is not 89 posts. I wrote another question and an admin joined them together. 2 separate questions. (I can't be bothered to go back and copy the newer one, but it was about her waking me up, arousing me and going to sleep)

'I think you have issues, and posting a gadzillion times and never reaching resolution is foolish and time wasting. You don't want opinions and advice. You want to be right.'

-we have a bright one here, why else would I be asking questions on askmehelpdesk? Because I have issues. I do not want to be right, I want to resolve my problems and I have done. The first was resolved by Talaniman, I changed my attitude in the bedroom and I have realised how selfish I was being and now I suppress my libido. The second was solved by Homegirl50, I talked to my girlfriend, I sat her down and explained that I wanted to resolve the issue by talking to each other like adults or I may move on. She knew I was serious and we talked, the problem is now resolved. It is apparent that it is you who wants to be right, you are the one adamant to argue when there is nothing to argue about. All my problems are resolved.

Question resolved

[JudyKayTee]

**this thread is now reopened**

If it's closed, why can I still post? Or did you "close" it yourself? Or something?

- And you don't think you have control issues? "I am dominant in every other aspect of the relationship." Dominant people dominate - get it?

And please, it's paid, not payd (or whatever you think it is).

[1102568]

Hahahaha I knew you would be back to try and argue some more and to comment on some typos, grow up and 'help' someone else.

[Homegirl 50]

You have received help you just don't like the advice. I think you do have control issues. I also think your girl wants to be away from you but just does not want to walk away from her first. The fact that you can bring her to tears like that speaks volumes. I have a child older than you, now tell me I need to grow up.
Judy Kay I is a professional and a mature woman and for you to address her in this manner shows it is you who needs to grow up.

[1102568]

You have received help you just don't like the advice. I think you do have control issues. I also think your girl wants to be away from you but just does not want to walk away from her first. The fact that you can bring her to tears like that speaks volumes. I have a child older than you, now tell me I need to grow up.
Judy Kay I is a professional and a mature woman and for you to address her in this manner shows it is you who needs to grow up.

You can think what you want. And I honestly couldn't care how old she is, she has not been helping me the slightest, she was just being offensive and insulting. And FYI, I did not bring her to tears, the situation that she started brought her to tears when she realized that it bothered me because she loves me. Like I said before, I would be very distraught if she left, but I respect her and if she would be happier without me then I am okay with that as I put her happiness first. How is that controlling? Everyone here is either stupid (yes this is me being insulting for the first time :O, get over it) or just wants to argue with me. And the definition of a professional is that you get paid for it, which I am sure she doesn't, and I wouldn't pay for her 'advice' anyhow. Her very first post on here in fact, was her insulting me about a post which was admittedly wrong of me in another thread, this is just immature and is certainly not the attitude of a professional yet alone a mature woman. I stick with my previous statement that she should grow up.

[JudyKayTee]

You need professional help - if I didn't think that when you diagnosing mental illnesses over the Internet, insulting long term and respected members and mentally/verbally a female who may or may not be your roommate/girlfriend I came to that conclusion when you posted in red that the thread was closed, pretending to be a moderator.

I believe you have issues, serious issues starting with your need to "jack off" behind your roommate/girlfriend's back because of the lack of sex (which you were unable to discuss).

Insult me all you wish. I consider the source and in this case your insults are a compliment. I'm not the one here posting about my problem relationship. You are.

For that matter - isn't impersonating a mod grounds to be suspended?

[Wondergirl]

For that matter - isn't impersonating a mod grounds to be suspended?

As far as I know, and I am speaking as a moderator, he CAN close his own thread, but he didn't do it correctly or completely. That's why we are still posting on it -- it's still open.

[JudyKayTee]

You can't just post "this is closed" in red - and, poof, it's closed?

How about if I request that it be closed?

[Wondergirl]

You can't just post "this is closed" in red - and, poof, it's closed?

How about if I request that it be closed?

I can close it. ;)