[cgedwards4]

My husband and I have been married twelve years and we have 4 children ages 10, 8, 7 and 1. We are years apart in age, I am younger than him. He has children from a previous marriage. We bought a second house and decided that we would have his two eldest sons live in the house to be closer to us. This is very important in my husband’s culture and I respect it. Ever since they moved in, my husband is there every night until 1, 2 even 3 in the morning at times. Yes he's a drinker... But he never cared about drinking in our home before. He claims he's sitting there drinking. Anyway, when I call him and tell him to come on get home, I need some help with the kids or asked him to help our daughter with her second language homework. Something I can't do! He wouldn't come! His sons, 1 in particular is very needy, bipolar and maybe jealous? Hate that word! And I love his family bunches but do I now have to sacrifice my husband back over to his adult kids?

Why is my husband making a monster out of me by acting like he can't balance out his life? And in return I get angry! And it might appear to his sons that I'm a tirading b#!=! But I'm not. I just have expectations like umm be a dad! Or what are we here for? He’s got kids from 2 women but the kids are all close, his sons are active in my kids’ lives and the relationship is good. The one son I mentioned even told me on the phone that he needs his dad! (Emotionally) they are financially independent, but honestly he probably needs his dad more than my 1 year old.

Anyone having mixed family issues? Husbands who can't balance time between his kids, drinking problems? Thank you for listening. I'm just tired of having no husband between the hours of 6 pm to 3 am :/

[Fr_Chuck]

If he is not listening, not helping, sounds like a drinking problem, time to make some choices, sorry but perhaps a separation for a bit to make him understand the problem

[Jake2008]

How old are the sons that he purchased this second home for? You say they are financially independent, so why did he need to buy them a home?

The two in the second home- they are stepbrothers if I read this right. Where are their mothers?

I'm wondering what your husband's motive really was to buy this second home. It's almost like he's created an excuse (his two sons need a home near him, even though they are independent adults). He can leave the chaos of being a dad in a busy household where three young children live along with a one year old baby, and enjoy peace and quiet with his adult sons, and drink himself silly.

By the time he gets home, all the work is done for the day, and he can just go to bed, and get up and do the same thing the next day.

Without more information, i.e. the state of your marriage itself, it seems he has already separated, on a part time basis.

I don't know which cultural issues are involved that would allow him to dump his responsibilities in one home, in order to... what exactly? His two sons in the new home, surely don't need their diapers changed, or help with their homework. Why do they need him?

The drinking 'problem' may be an excuse as well. If you think he's drinking too much, or too often, perhaps your idea of a drinking problem, is his idea of taking of the heat to step up and help out. If he's drinking to excess, he's no help to you, your four kids, or his two grown kids.

To me it boils down to selfish needs, that he has justified with self serving motives.

And if he can afford to own two homes, perhaps he can afford to hire a nanny to help you out.

[cgedwards4]

How old are the sons that he purchased this second home for? You say they are financially independent, so why did he need to buy them a home?

The two in the second home- they are stepbrothers if I read this right. Where are their mothers?

I'm wondering what your husband's motive really was to buy this second home. It's almost like he's created an excuse (his two sons need a home near him, even though they are independent adults). He can leave the chaos of being a dad in a busy household where three young children live along with a one year old baby, and enjoy peace and quiet with his adult sons, and drink himself silly.

By the time he gets home, all the work is done for the day, and he can just go to bed, and get up and do the same thing the next day.

Without more information, ie the state of your marriage itself, it seems he has already separated, on a part time basis.

I don't know which cultural issues are involved that would allow him to dump his responsibilities in one home, in order to.....what exactly? His two sons in the new home, surely don't need their diapers changed, or help with their homework. Why do they need him?

The drinking 'problem' may be an excuse as well. If you think he's drinking too much, or too often, perhaps your idea of a drinking problem, is his idea of taking of the heat to step up and help out. If he's drinking to excess, he's no help to you, your four kids, or his two grown kids.

To me it boils down to selfish needs, that he has justified with self serving motives.

And if he can afford to own two homes, perhaps he can afford to hire a nanny to help you out.

Right on! I could use Nanny! Ok so the marriage its good! He's a great man great character, loving, nurturing and protective. He's very proactive when he wants to be but I feel separated! I expect that a dad/husband would not hesitate to come when he's called... I am not a chaser and never cry wolf so I expected to be taken seriously. He feels that since he's a couple houses down its all good, no no no.
So the house was a "peace" offering to the boys who are in their late 20's. Not much younger than myself mind you!
They have been in a warp of destruction and brain washing by their mother and we needed to intervene; they agree. But I don't understand why he feels that when he's over there, nothing else matters. He feels he potters them something, or had to prove himself yet he's diminishing his relationship with our children, it's a revolving door. I feel we need therapy sessions, he doesn't see things the way I do. And your right- he goes there blows off steam... While I'm building steam

[joypulv]

Find a time when he is home and you aren't angry to ask him to sit down for 10 minutes. Set a timer. Ask him if he thinks it is reasonable for a father to spend a certain amount of time with his young children and his wife, and what that amount of time is. I would expect more than half, but let's say he says half. Have a calendar and block out days and times when he goes next door and times when he stays with you. STAY CALM during all this, no matter what. And if 10 minutes is over, let him go, and discuss it again the next time.

Impress him with your rational, reasonable, logical, calm mind, even if you want to strangle him, and I think it might have an effect.

[JudyKayTee]

I find it interesting that his drinking is mentioned so far into this post. I don't think the problem is where he is. I think the problem is his drinking.

Is he an alcoholic?

You refer to his culture. You are from different cultures?

I'm a stepmother to 7 adult children (I actually had to stop and count), and it's not always easy. On the other hand husbands or wives "torn between" two families don't have an easy path, either. His son is bipolar? That's an illness, not a personality quirk.

I'd agree with the sitting and talking part except if he's an alcoholic (and there are many descriptions of what is an alcoholic) you're wasting your time. That bottle has more influence over him than you do.

[cgedwards4]

I find it interesting that his drinking is mentioned so far into this post. I don't think the problem is where he is. I think the problem is his drinking.

Is he an alcoholic?

You refer to his culture. You are from different cultures?

I'm a stepmother to 7 adult children (I actually had to stop and count), and it's not always easy. On the other hand husbands or wives "torn between" two families don't have an easy path, either. His son is bipolar? That's an illness, not a personality quirk.

I'd agree with the sitting and talking part except if he's an alcoholic (and there are many descriptions of what is an alcoholic) you're wasting your time. That bottle has more influence over him than you do.

I feel that way sometimes, he liked his beer but to be honest his drinking isn't my issue with him
We both come from different cultures-he Is from a collective culture yet I was raised independent.. so I have respect for his ways but I'm not going to play tug-of-war with his grown kids- I blame him not them. I know his son is
Sick, and he trends to pull every one down with him and he's causing stress... is it terrible for me to ask that he parts ways? Being you have a blended family... Were dealing with Arab culture here... I don't want to cross too many lines but I'm willing to cross some! Thank you

[JudyKayTee]

I disagree and I'm trying to help - if he says he is away from home drinking his drinking is a problem.

But you are a lot closer to the situation than I am, and you know the people, I do not.

So I guess you try to talk to him.

[Jake2008]

I think that a grown man in his late 20's with (I assume) diagnosed bipolar disorder, has had treatment options along the way. There are many options for him, and this line of thinking could be to encourage him to take control over his own life. His father cannot prescribe medication or therapy.

I'm not saying don't be supportive and helpful. Take him to his appointments. But, set some boundaries.

And it is the same with your husband. I didn't get the impression that he was alcoholic, but there are some alcoholics who are highly functioning, as you've described your husband to be. But the same logic applies I think, as it does to his adult son.

He is the one that has to realize that he too, has a problem, and that problem, is causing all kinds of other problems as you well know. Setting a few boundaries and expectations for him as well, is a positive step toward finding solutions.

With three kids and a baby, you need all the help you can get. They need their father in their lives- hands on- and a solution- maybe counselling, could get things going in that direction.

[smearcase]

Alcoholics have the same problems and cause the same types of problems regardless of the culture the alcoholic is in. Addiction and dependency have to do with science, not culture. There are many other problems going on here, but until you rule out alcoholism in this particular situation, you are grasping in the dark.

[talaniman]

You must identify what the real problem is before you find a solution and its telling he rather be somewhere else drinking with his sons (the guys) than home with a wife and kids. Many guys of many cultures have the same idea of letting the woman run the house and raise the kids while they work, provide and unwind at their leisure.

Do his sons have wives or females? The bottom line is communicating to resolve the issues and know he is a much older guy with grown kids and may not be to keen or have the energy of a younger guy your age to be helping like he should. Talk and you both do better.

I say this because it's a big difference between 30 and 50, and knowing your exact ages would help. The conflict between what he wants to do, and what you want him to do can be resolved with compromise, and consideration.

For sure a few beers would motivate me to be house dad, or listen to my wife tell me what to do, nor even negotiate with reason. Pick a good spot and time to communicate effectively.