[melissawall]

My husband and I were separated and got back together almost 3 years ago and we had another baby in the mean time. We had both seen other people when we were separated. Since getting back together and after I had the baby he has accused me of cheating on him, he controls what I wear, doesn't want me to wear a bathing suit unless he approves! I do not dress provocative. I have three other kids and I'm a mom. I like to look nice and stay healthy, so I do workout and he argues with me overtime I want go to the gym, I can only go if its in the morning when no one is there! I can't have friends or do anything with them cause if I do I'm questioned and accused the whole time! I went back to college and he threw a fit until I almost gave in and quit, thank god I stuck it out and graduated a few weeks ago!

He doesn't want me to go back to work, I feel like I'm in prison and he doesn't want me to return to work because he thinks I may cheat on him! He just went back to work 7 month's ago, he was laid off for 3 years, the last two of them he was to lazy to look for work and I supported our family! I use to get accused of going out on my lunch hour at work to have affairs, I would have to take pictures of my office to prove to him I was at work!!

I could go on and on!! I need major advice!!

[melissawall]

I see allot of people are reading this, can someone please give their input?
Really need some answers? My feeling and belief is that if someone accuses you over and over is usually guilty!

[Cat1864]

This is not meant to be harsh, but it may feel like it is.

Before going on, what are you willing to do to make you and your children's life better? Remember that they are probably hearing and seeing how he treats you. Is this the type of marriage you would want for them? If not, then why are you putting up with it?

Has there been any physical violence? If so, then leave. You do not have to stay with him. There are always options.

His behavior is bordering on abuse if it hasn't already crossed the line. If you obey his commands because it is easier that is one thing. If you are afraid of him that is another matter. If you are afraid, it is time to leave.

If you put up with it because it is easier, then you need to change. You see, you cannot make him change. He has to want to change for himself or it won't work.

You need to sit down with him when there are as few distractions as possible (children with a 'babysitter' if possible) and talk with him. Be honest with him that his behavior is damaging how you feel about him and the marriage and is setting a very negative model of relationships for your children. It is also hurting your children (they see and hear more than we think they do.) Prolonged stress is bad for all of you. You cannot make him feel secure. The more you try the more it validates his fears and he needs more. He has to either trust you or both of you need to accept the marriage is not viable.

He needs to get help for his issues. He has to stop making you carry his baggage. You need to stop allowing him to dump it on you.

Ask him to go to counseling by himself and with you if he wants the marriage to survive. If he says 'no' and/or still tries to control everything you do, separating again may be your best option short of divorce proceedings. Do not stay with him or go back until he has shown for a period (more than an month or two) that he is working on his issues and trying to get better.

Good luck.

[melissawall]

Thank you for your response, in the past he has been violent but since getting back together he hasn't been until the other night he threw his wedding ring at me and it hit my cheek and bruised my face!

I agree with everything you say and I don't think its harsh, what I'm going threw is harsh and stressful! We did counseling before and he refuses, I know deep down in my heart we should have never got back together!

I have two daughters from a previous marriage and they can't stand how he treats me and he hasn't treated them fair or the best in the past!

We have these blowouts and when he knows I have had enough and is ready to leave he pulls the tricks out and tries to make promises and treat my girls better!

This is a little personal but so is everything I have shared, if I refuse sex he is rude and questions me about cheating! I usually give in to keep a fight down, I don't feel like having sex with someone who accuses me and tells me what I can do, or wear!

I'm not working wright now, I'm in the middle of a extenship so he pays for everything. He throws it up in my face every time we fight, and threatens to not do anything for me!

He goes through my phone, Facebook , purse to see if he can find something! The funny thing is that he had a friend request on his Facebook from a stripper that is conveniently a friend of his cousin who is also a friend of his on Facebook!

He accuses me but has never found anything, but I find this and he says I'm crazy! His response was its his cousin friend who seen his profile and requested his as a friend!
Maybe it was maybe it wasn't? Maybe that is why I get accused!

[talaniman]

Get away from him or get him away from you. If you can't do it by yourself, HOLLER for help, family, friends, or a cop.

It just requires a really hard decision, and a plan.

[melissawall]

Get away from him or get him away from you. If you can't do it by yourself, HOLLER for help, family, friends, or a cop.

It just requires a really hard decision, and a plan.

I have to do something, I'm falling in a great depression and I don't even know the last time I smiled or laughed!

[talaniman]

I have to do something, I'm falling in a great depression and I dont even know the last time I smiled or laughed!

Now you get it, you HAVE to do something!

[dontknownuthin]

I think you need to leave. If you want to save the marriage and stay with him, you need to leave and insist on counseling - both individual for him and marital counseling. He needs to understand that you are an adult and will not be supervised, spied on and accountable to him or anyone else about how you spend your time. He does not get a say in who your friends are, how much time you spend with your family, what you choose to wear or when you go to the gym. He is not your father and you do not need supervision.

This level of control rarely goes away and often increases and develops into serious physical abuse. One of an abuser's greatest tools is to separate their spouse from all other interaction and social support, because they are childish, controlling and untrusting and need their partner to live for them and them alone. Some even become jealous of the children.

I do not think this is a marriage worth saving. I think you're better off leaving, going somewhere safe with the kids and filing for divorce. I would recommend you do so by going ot a shelter for battered women because, given his behavior to date, you could be at risk if you leave him - he could escalate his behaviors and become more violent.

[talaniman]

Counseling for an entire year or more... while apart. Maybe.

[melissawall]

Thank you for all the comments, it truly helps! He knows we are not at a good place and I think he knows I may leave, he said to me last night that if I ever left he would quit his job! I asked why and his response was I would have nothing to work for!

[dontknownuthin]

Thank you for all the comments, it truly helps! He knows we are not at a good place and I think he knows I may leave, he said to me last night that if I ever left he would quit his job! I asked why and his response was I would have nothing to work for!

Don't mistake this as charming or romantic. It's a grand manipulation. He may next say if you left he'd kill himself. Don't believe him. You cannot be what someone "lives for" - that's part of the problem. If you have to be his whole life, you can't HAVE a life for yourself. And you will NEVER be enough of a life for him because let's face it, nobody can be everything to anyone.

For you to have a marriage, you must have an equal partnership. Both people have to be adults, meaning you can fully take care of yourselves if you must, but choose to become a pair because it's better to do things together.

Don't let him manipulate you. If his threats become more than quitting his job (such as suicide threats or threats against you) report him to the police immediately. He won't make this kind of threat again if he knows you'll take it seriously.

[melissawall]

Don't mistake this as charming or romantic. It's a grand manipulation. He may next say if you left he'd kill himself. Don't believe him. You cannot be what someone "lives for" - that's part of the problem. If you have to be his whole life, you can't HAVE a life for yourself. And you will NEVER be enough of a life for him because let's face it, nobody can be everything to anyone.

For you to have a marriage, you must have an equal partnership. Both people have to be adults, meaning you can fully take care of yourselves if you must, but choose to become a pair because it's better to do things together.

Don't let him manipulate you. If his threats become more than quitting his job (such as suicide threats or threats against you) report him to the police immediately. He won't make this kind of threat again if he knows you'll take it seriously.

thank you, I
Know what I need to do, I just have to stop feeling sorry for him and his feelings! I just have to set a plan in motion!

[melissawall]

I went to the gym yesterday after work and he knew I was there so he called me repeatedly until I text him and told him I would call when I finished! When he got home from work he had an attitude and I knew he would , he was so bothered that I went to the gym later that he again questioned me if I was cheating and he stated if I was he would leave me!

Why do I have to put up with this nonsense? Later that night I changed clothes and put on sweats and a tshirt, the tshirt was a little low and he asked if I wore that to the gym! He asked what do you wear to the gym? He asked do you wear those kind of shirts!!

Why do I feel sorry for him? Why do I feel bad for what I need to do?
I have given him chance after chance to change, and he has promised after promise to do so!

How do I get past the feeling of feeling bad for him??
I

[Cat1864]

How do i get past the feeling of feeling bad for him??????
I

By realizing that it feels better to be yourself than it does to worry about his attitude.

[melissawall]

By realizing that it feels better to be yourself than it does to worry about his attitude.

I wouldn't know how to feel to be able to be myself, to come and go without being questioned! Last night I was talking to my uncle that is visiting, I was telling him about a restaurant my female friends at work suggested. Later I could tell he was in mood again so I asked what was wrong, he said you said HE told you of a new restaurant, who the hell is HE he asked!! He is going crazy, he is hearing what he wants!! I told him I said she not HE, and I said so what if it was a He! Then he called me a birch and accused me of cheating! Later he had the nerve to want sex, I said hell no!! His response, what would you do if I was cheating cause I don't get it not attention from you!!

[talaniman]

And you feel bad for HIM?? How much more of this can you take?