[jason100]

My wife cheated on me. The pain she has caused me is unbearable. It has been a month since the cheating, my pain is the same as it was yesterday and I believe she is not seeing the other guy anymore and truly wants to make it work.

This is the worst pain in my life and it remains constant from the time I open my eyes to the time I lay to sleep. I get so angry, sad, depressed, no appetite, will or power to do anything or focus on anything. I still love my wife and we have a 17 month sweet daughter who I love dearly. We have been married almost 10 years. I just wish somehow this pain will stop and we can be normal family again. Sometimes I feel my wife is cold or doesn't understand what she did, she says oh just forget about the past and move forward as new. It is easy for her to say as I am the one going through the pain.

I think the one thing my wife doesn't understand is that when she gives me love she expects me to give her back love. No matter how I react back she should still give me love, only then I can see she is genuine. I even told her that I will walk toward you 20% but you need to walk 80% toward me, you have to show me that I am number one and you really made a mistake. My pain remains because if I don't show back love, she also holds back and that is why I am not sure if we will make it in our marriage. I even told her what I need to get over but she doesn't seem to understand. I hope god can help our marriage and keep our family together.

I can't stop asking her the details and I keep catching her in lies about the details and that is what is killing me even more. She exchanged nasty emails about sex and what positions and how she will do it, I never even knew she could even talk like that. They even had a sex date planned. I caught her before things got out of hand but to me it seems like she anyway had the sex since she wanted this guy so bad.

I feel like this pain will never go away and I am at the verge of a divorce. I don't trust her at all and always wonder if she is talking to this guy again. How can I make this pain go away or what approach we can take to mend our relationship?

[J_9]

Marriage counseling to start.

Personally I wouldn't stand for it, and I didn't. That's why I got divorced. He cheated, I left. Period, end of story. Yes, I had children, but took my vows a little more serious than he did.

[Oliver2011]

Wow that is a tough one. I feel for you. I also agree with J on both counts. I wouldn't stand for it either.

What does your wife want? I know you said that she wants to make it work, but what does she truly want. Does she see you two together another 40 years? What drove her to do this in the first place? You didn't make the mistake however you might have contributed to it somehow.

Knowing the details will just hurt you more. Marriage counseling might be the only way to get truly past this. If you don't get past this then you will continually bring it up to her face and that will do no good.

[ANGIE4124]

Who so ever does the cheating/damage does the repair work… It is their responsibility to answer questions and rebuild the bridge of trust! They work on this; for as long as it takes the other person to feel trust again!

As it is your intent to stay and her will to make it work; this issue will not go away by; …oh just forget about the past and move forward as new.” nor by you asking for explicate details. However you're right by walking toward her 20% of the way; show me that I am number one etc. and wanting 'some' answers. (Just be careful what you ask for.)

Obviously counselling is essential as they would be better equipped to explain to her (without blame), it was her actions, it's now her responsibility to repair this situation and how best to rebuild trust between you. A third party in this would be wise.

Meanwhile delete those thoughts of divorce, as that will not allow you or her to rebuild if your intent is too save and stay!

Take Care - Angie

[jason100]

Thanks all for your time.

It is now been 3 months since the cheating, we are still barely together. We went to counseling and had 5 sessions together. I think the counseling was useless, all the counselor said was keep talking to each other positive, don't raise your voice, appreciate each other - it is easy to say but the counselor did not validate that she cheated. How am I suppose to be nice to her like this.

As things were starting to get better they just got worse this month because I came to find out by tricking her that she did see that guy one more time after I found out and she went to his car. She said it was the last time and she wanted to tell him that it was over, I feel like she cheated on me again. They hugged and kissed - she said they only gave a peck on the cheek. I was pretty calm and nice to her before but as soon as I found this out, I blew up and have been blowing up every single day as I feel like she took advantage of my kindness and went back to him.

She tells me that the reason for this was she wasn't getting affection, I was starting to believe that it was my fault but when I started to analyze the past and understood that is not true. I was being lovely to her balancing my full time job and rental properties and baby. She said she needed something if it wasn't this, it would be alcohol or some other guy, she did for herself not to hurt me (BS).

We are now talking about divorce and looks like 90% chance we will go through with it. I just had her take Voice Stress Analysis (VSA) test over the phone, she passed all questions - Since you met your husband, did you have oral sex with anyone else? - She passed with No. Since you met your husband, did you have sex with anyone else? - She passed with No. Since you met your husband, did you cheat on anyone else besides this person against your husband? - She passed with No. Would you ever cheat on your husband? - She passed with No. I felt a lot better after this test and have been more calm. Now I am thinking maybe I should let it work. By the way, she is acting a lot better now as well. Then I started reading about VSA online and came to find out that it is only 50% accurate - now I am feeling bad again.

Not sure what to do.

[JudyKayTee]

"”... I came to find out by tricking her that she did see that guy one more time after I found out and she went to his car.. . “I just had her take Voice Stress Analysis (VSA) test over the phone, she passed all questions ... - Now I am thinking maybe I should let it work. By the way, she is acting a lot better now as well. Then I started reading about VSA online and came to find out that it is only 50% accurate”

I’m an investigator - that 50% figure is very much on the high passing side. I think it’s actually much lower. I am not going to address her behavior which is certainly inappropriate and which you did not deserve. If she was not happy she owed it to you to talk to you. Moving on to someone else is entirely inappropriate.

However - reread what you posted... you tricked her? You “had her” take the voice test? You are the one to decide whether to make it work?

I think you have control issues. I’m not saying they aren’t deserved. I’m saying I would have been gone when I found out about the “tricking.” I don't think either one of you is being honest in this relationship.

[jason100]

JudyKayTee,

I wasn't clear in my statement. The VSA was both mutually agreed upon test, there was no trick, she knew she was taking the test and reviewed the results with the investigator myself. She also knew when she was scheduled to take the test.

Now to clarify the tricking part. I actually tricked her into revealing that she saw this guy one more time and went to his car, she wasn't revealing it I had to get out the truth by tricking her.

I don't have any control issues, I was always easy with her she sometimes use to come home late 9pm on weekdays smelling like wine. She said she had to go to her work fundraiser event. I didn't mind and trusted her with her life. That unlimited trust is now gone because she gave me a reason for it.

So you see where I am at now.

[JudyKayTee]

I see where you are - I probably would also lose all trust.

A Licensed Private Investigator administered the test? Wow! What State?

[talaniman]

If I made the decision to stay with a cheating spouse, it would mean to get over those hurt feelings and broken trust and we would both have to redefine the boundaries and have clear rules of good behavior.

If you cannot then why go through this degradation and keep the wounds open? None of your actions have resolved a damn thing, and you need to rethink your strategy to feel better about yourself instead of this punishment directed at her.

Either forgive and get a more positive plan or leave. If your way doesn't work, why keep doing it? No you will never forget, but you do need better ways to deal with your pain.

[Cat1864]

Thanks all for your time.

It is now been 3 months since the cheating, we are still barely together. We went to counseling and had 5 sessions together. I think the counseling was useless, all the counselor said was keep talking to each other positive, don't raise your voice, appreciate each other - it is easy to say but the counselor did not validate that she cheated. How am I suppose to be nice to her like this.

She tells me that the reason for this was she wasn't getting affection, I was starting to believe that it was my fault but when I started to analyze the past and understood that is not true. I was being lovely to her balancing my full time job and rental properties and baby. She said she needed something if it wasn't this, it would be alcohol or some other guy, she did for herself not to hurt me (BS).

Not sure what to do.

I am not justifying or excusing what she did or thought about doing. This is about what you want and expect. I realize all of this is still new and still hurts. But you need to listen to yourself if you really want any chance of this marriage working.

She cannot fix everything by herself. If you are not a part of working through this bad time then the idea that you won't be there through the better times will be reinforced. Why should she try if you aren't?

Counseling-you think it wasn't working because the counselor didn't take your side and shame your wife? The counselor actually wanted you to relearn how to communicate with each other so you could work this out as a couple. You do not seem ready to work with her.

Once again I am not defending her. She should have tried harder to work out the issues with you or walked away before getting involved with someone else. She gave you a reason why she had this affair. She needed attention. I think for one moment you may have understood what she was saying but then you go into a list of things that do not include her. Your work, your rental property, your child... where was time for her?

If you are 90% certain you will be divorcing, then look into counseling not to keep the marriage viable but to help you remain on good terms for your child. Whether you are together or apart, you are both parents to this child and will have to work together.

[jason100]

Yes, I do agree that I was busy with rental property, child and work. I also agree that I am not perfect and if I had the choice I would not have a rental property as it took away time from us. Work I had to do to pay the bills, child I had to take care because it is my responsibility. After balancing all that I did spend time with her, maybe not often but spontaneously hugged her and kissed her, did buy her gifts and talk to her when I could. I think people and everyone can analyze and analyze and try to come up with justification but in my mind there is no justification for cheating. You cheat because you want to not because you had no choice. To me marriage vows are very important, either you keep them through good or bad times or you leave, no middle ground.

Even though I believe I should be putting 20%, I have been putting 50% or more to make it work. I took her to counseling and she throws it back at me "I went to counseling for you" instead of saying for "us". I don't expect the counselor to take my side, of course, I understand it is a neutral third party, but I felt it didn't help us and she felt the same way.

We were actually getting better and I was trying hard to put this behind us and being super nice and kind to her. What actually was the breaking point was when I found out that she went back to him second time to his car. My kindness, not yelling being lovely to her didn't help, she still went back and I ended up super angry and yelling at her. I can understand the affection part the first time, okay maybe I wasn't perfect, so I tried to tell her we will work it out slowly, made her laugh with jokes, not yell or get angry this was even before counseling and after. Now I feel like she took advantage of my kindness and still went back - so if she got loads of affection and love from me even after the most horrible news, what justification she has to go back to him. Even she can't explain why she went back, only to say it was another mistake as the first one and I only went to his car to break it off. I had specifically told her all you have to say is it is over do not contact, there was no reason to go to his car, have a conversation, hug and kiss and who knows what else.

It is the second time that has killed this relationship. I feel like she cheated on me again even though it is the same person. I cannot ever trust or be with this type of person and going to be talking together about separation next week. I don't want to involve any lawyers as it better to split between us then to give third party.

The only person I feel bad about is my 19 month baby. I wanted to keep the family together for us and the baby but I just can't take it anymore.

[talaniman]

Leave then if you cannot handle it.