[lifeseeker75]

First off, hello everyone reading my post. My name is Nicole a.k.a.- lifeseeker75.

My question(s) to you all: Is it normal to have hatred or resentment toward your spouse? Let me explain. My spouse and I went through a really rough patch about a year ago. He's always been controlling and overprotective but it seems to have gotten worse over the years. We seem to have been somewhat… back on track for the past 7-8 months but he is still controlling.

Example of what I mean about controlling -- I would get a call from an associate (because I don't get together with other women on a normal basis, I can't really call her my friend, thus I don't have any friends…because of him) who would ask if I wanted to go grab a bite to eat and a cocktail. I would immediately take it to my husband just so that we are on the same page, because I always put him and my little ladies (4 children first 24, 19, 16 & 6 yrs) first. I would text him and say “honey what do we have planned this afternoon/evening? Me and so and so are going to go have a cocktail”. He would reply with a “OK” but ten minutes later reply something like “I did get us a movie to watch but, I guess we can watch it when you finish hanging out”.

If I do end up going which in most cases I don't because I feel guilty for abandoning him, he would text me most of the time that I'm with my associates asking when will I be home (keep in mind, readers, the little city we live in we can get from one side to the other give or take 10-20 minutes. However, where this particular associate and I live we always do something close to our homes we are both less than 10 minutes. Away from each other). Thus, I don't really enjoy my “me” time.

I feel like this has become so routine that he's so use to it and I'm beginning to resent him for it. I really do appreciate him wanting to be with me constantly, be my best friend and try to buy me the world but after 16 years of marriage, he needs to trust me and be more secure with himself.

Do you think it's because he has cheated on me twice during our 16 year marriage? I've never thought about venturing off with another man, this he does not have to worry about, because he is such a good man. He's really is a good man he does all of my clothes and shoe shopping (I think a little too much, but I enjoy it), but I think this is his way of trying to keep me from having friends. I really miss have women bonding time and hanging out with my girlfriends and when I did have friends, we lost connection or live in different states.

Anyway, before I start babbling. How do I get him out of this overbearing, overprotective controlling mode, without him getting upset, mad or without given me the silent treatment?

A part of me wants out of this marriage because I feel that he's limiting my wingspan. My sexual affection has decreased dramatically, and I only do it because I'm his wife, I'm just not really into it like I use to be. I asked back when we were going through our rough patch to seek marriage counseling but that was A BIG FAT NO NO, wasn't happening.

He supports me and the children 100% but even they have this fear of what he may say… and they are adults one in college and the other one back at home with little direction but that's another topic.

What advice can you all give me about a spouse that works very hard to keep food on the table, the kids clothed, and put a child through college, and is over all a good husband and father BUT has a very BAD controlling attitude? I've lost who I am, what I like…I've lost direction. Okay, I will stop here and respond to your replies. Oh by the way not that it relates to what I'm asking but yes I have a college degree and I work part time so he's not the sole bread maker. I contribute also.

[Wondergirl]

I am going to break your long post into paragraphs so others will take the time to read it.

It sounds like you plan an adventure and then get cold feet because you decide to feel guilty for leaving your poor husband alone. I don't see where he is controlling as much as you enabling him and maybe wanting him to control you. (You allow him to buy your clothes and shoes?) He does sound passive aggressive in that he says yes and then thinks of a reason why not, so that his answer should have been no, but he won't say no outright.

Why can't you say, "Katy and I are meeting for a bite to eat and to catch up on gossip tomorrow after we both get off work, so I will have food for your supper in the 'frig and will be home by 9." Why do you think you have to beg for his permission, like he is your father?

[lifeseeker75]

Wondergirl, thanks for the break down but not really what I was trying to convey. Let me try to shorten my post and resubmit. Thanks again! :-)

[Wondergirl]

Wondergirl, thanks for the break down but not really what I was trying to convey. Let me try to shorten my post and resubmit. Thanks again! :-)

I simply broke down your post into paragraphs, fixed a few spelling errors, but didn't change your words. Please resubmit on this thread.

I take it you want verdicts on whether you stay or leave?

[lifeseeker75]

No I don't plan on going anywhere... I'm seeking more so a verdict on steps to improve this hiccup. I love my husband and I don't think running from this issue would necessary be the best result, considering we do have children. We love each other but I want to improve or take a more corrective step on ways I can help him with seeking help for his controlling issues. He seems to believe there is no problem.

[Wondergirl]

No I don't plan on going anywhere.... I'm seeking more so a verdict on steps to improve this hiccup. I love my husband and I don't think running from this issue would necessary be the best result, considering we do have children. We love each other but I want to improve or take a more corrective step on ways I can help him with seeking help for his controlling issues. He seems to believe there is no problem.

Then I suggest you refrain from "asking his permission" to go out and be with friends, but simply let him know what you will be doing and with whom and when and for how long. By asking him, you create a parent-child relationship and give him the chance to say no and be controlling, or at least be passive-aggressive about it.

Does he control other parts of your life? If so, what parts and how?

[lifeseeker75]

Wondergirl... thank you for your advice. In regards to him controlling other aspect of my life... yes. To sum it up, if it does not involve him he goes into this silence treatment mode and through temper-tantrums or pick an argument. I find myself giving in to him so that my girls will not have to hear him groan and moan about how much he does for us blah blah blah. If he does not get his way he feel that he's unappreciated. I think that our previous issue is still lingering but he will not say because it will open old wounds. Lets just say it involves other sexual acts I'm not in agreement with.

[odinn7]

He does this because you allow him to do it. You allow him by giving in all the time and he knows it will work. What you have stated here is nothing unreasonable on your side. You should be allowed to do other things now and then. You giving in whenever he plays this kids game of his keeps you from doing this.

Next time, just tell him you are going and then go. If he texts you, tell him you prefer not to play this game with him. If he later gives you the silent treatment then... so what? I actually love when my wife gives me the silent treatment... it's so peaceful. He'll get over it and you will have more freedom.

[Wondergirl]

Wondergirl...thank you for your advice. In regards to him controlling other aspect of my life... yes. To sum it up, if it does not involve him he goes into this silence treatment mode and through temper-tantrums or pick an argument. I find myself giving in to him so that my girls will not have to hear him groan and moan about how much he does for us blah blah blah. If he does not get his way he feel that he's unappreciated.

Three of your daughters are grown up enough to understand their father's tactics, so again I suggest you stop playing his game and don't feed that beast. Stop being the great peacemaker. Have you tried to deal with him differently by showing him appreciation in various creative ways (you said he shops for you and is a steady wage earner)? Sing to him with appropriate snippets of show tunes or leave him cheery sticky notes here and there. In that way, you push him off his same-old track and get him off balance a bit, yet tell him that he is an important part of family life (maybe he moans and groans and nit-picks to get noticed).

[lifeseeker75]

LOL!! In this case my husbands takes on the woman role.. you would not believe how much he talks he just will not shut up lol. Thanks! The sad part about this is I know this, so we have a trip planned in two weeks when I get back I'm going to just have to take a stane and you are right I have created a monster go

He does this because you allow him to do it. You allow him by giving in all the time and he knows it will work. What you have stated here is nothing unreasonable on your side. You should be allowed to do other things now and then. You giving in whenever he plays this kids game of his keeps you from doing this.

Next time, just tell him you are going and then go. If he texts you, tell him you prefer not to play this game with him. If he later gives you the silent treatment then...so what? I actually love when my wife gives me the silent treatment...it's so peaceful. He'll get over it and you will have more freedom.

Wondergirl, yes I leave lipstick messages or kisses on the mirror so he can see the in the morning, while he's sleeping I will write I love you have a good day on a napkin and tape it to his steering wheel, I buy him things as well but not as often (because he normals overspend what in our bank account, don't want to offset or over spend). An to top it off I decided to text him 30 reasons I love you for the whole month of April... I text him 1 love you reason per day. Within the past two months he has purchased over 17 pairs of shoes within our 16 years of marriage I was happy to get two pair every two to three months.

Three of your daughters are grown up enough to understand their father's tactics, so again I suggest you stop playing his game and don't feed that beast. Stop being the great peacemaker. Have you tried to deal with him differently by showing him appreciation in various creative ways (you said he shops for you and is a steady wage earner)? Sing to him with appropriate snippets of show tunes or leave him cheery sticky notes here and there. In that way, you push him off his same-old track and get him off balance a bit, yet tell him that he is an important part of family life (maybe he moans and groans and nit-picks to get noticed).

Oh and I forgot to mention we both make less than what we use to make.

This issue does go deeper than I present however the current issue that bothers me the most is the controlling thing. As I get older I see what some other people seen all along but because this man was and still is so good to me I had written off what they saw. Odinn7 summed it up I allowed this behavior and now it has spun out of control. I am the blame and I will have to be the one to stand my grounds and hope for the best. Thanks

[lifeseeker75]

Update: sorry for being somewhat exploited. I'm going to try to sugar coat it. Ok this question relates to the controlling behavior saga LOL My aunt flow (who visits every month at the same time) is here. As I mentioned in my original post, my sex drive has already been decreased and is even less when she's around. My loving controlling husband seems to think that he should still be satisfied orally. I don't argue I may occasionally if I want to, but I stood my ground last night and turned over and went to sleep. As usual, he tried to play that parent-child game huffing and puffing. So he began rubbing and touching and sucking on my breast again, and not really feeling him I pushed him away which got him even more aggravated, so he moved to the other side of the bed. Long story short... he woke up still hard and feeling sexy but by then our 6 yr old was knocking on the door asking to come in.

Should a wife constantly compromise with her spouse by giving oral pleasure when her aunt flow is in town?

Sorry for the misspelling and errors I'm typing this from my phone. My auto spell seems to take over. You all are smart enough to figure it out lol...

>we edited for clarity :)<

Well did you know you were going to that kind of place beforehand or was that a surprise too?

I would expect him to respect your wishes. I would go further to say that he should have discussed this before going to this place. As a guy I wouldn't be comfortable doing it in public. But not talking to me beforehand - that is almost inexcusable.

Yes I knew we were going to a clothing optional resort we have before in the past but nothing like this. I wore a bathing suit that covered the important parts both last time and this time verses were other were completely nude including him.

Discussing and sharing fantasies is one thing, acting on them is another. He crossed a line when he expected you to go along with his desires without getting your permission first. Permission given after a discussion of boundaries and when not involved in the act.

I do have to ask how much alcohol was involved in his 'attempt'. Alcohol and hot tubs do not go well together when it comes to making wise decisions.

Could he be acting funny because he is embarrassed about his behavior? Are both of you acting a bit different? Have you tried talking to him now that you are back in the real world?

The specific day that this occurred I had nothing to drink I actually was feeling a little nauseous the day before so I decided not to have anything that day until later in the evening during dinner time he had a few. But he certainly try to feed it to me. We talked about fantasies before in the past and I shut him down. I guess my main concern is he actually got upset making little comments throughout the evening about me not being I guess in a way cooperative for responses but followed up with I love you anyway

He's an idiot.

Yes!! I couldn't agree with you more.

Discussing and sharing fantasies is one thing, acting on them is another. He crossed a line when he expected you to go along with his desires without getting your permission first. Permission given after a discussion of boundaries and when not involved in the act.

I do have to ask how much alcohol was involved in his 'attempt'. Alcohol and hot tubs do not go well together when it comes to making wise decisions.

Could he be acting funny because he is embarrassed about his behavior? Are both of you acting a bit different? Have you tried talking to him now that you are back in the real world?

I don't believe he's embarrassed at all we have these types of conversations all the time. I see them as just fantasies... after having these conversations I would compromise and we would roleplay with the costumes and everything we even videotaped each other and watch it from time to time but in public H to the No!! He has a way of trying to make me feel guilty for not wanting to do things from going out with friends to now wanting to have sex in public in broad light light IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. I think that is not a good thing, but should be shared between each other and no one else. He seems to be fine today and it has not been brought up since we got home so I'm going to leave it alone. I just wanted to make sure I was not the only person against this behavior. I'm ALWAYS the one compromising but I had to stand my ground. I told him how uncomfortable that would be and he just did not get it! That' is what's still bugging me. I think he was just so used to me giving in, he figured I would bend on this. SIGH)))).

[talaniman]

You don't have to give in all the time and most guys handle a temporary momentary rejection in much more mature ways. It would seem also you should have expected this reaction to not getting his way, and developed your own strategy to deal with it.

That require a level of honest communications you don't seem to have at this time, for whatever reason.

[lifeseeker75]

Talaniman thank you. I have communicated this with my spouse time and time again. This goes back to the controlling saga. I've tried to talk to him but it's his way it no way. Every time I try talking to him about my feelings, he tends to feel exposed and begins raising his voice and I feel stuck. I've ask him to join me in counseling but he says he's not paying for somebody to analyse what he's not going to change. He admits he's an *** and has a bad temper and he doesn't need anybody to tell him what he knows already. This is one if the issues we were having as mentioned in my original post.

You don't have to give in all the time and most guys handle a temporary momentary rejection in much more mature ways. It would seem also you should have expected this reaction to not getting his way, and developed your own strategy to deal with it.

That require a level of honest communications you don't seem to have at this time, for whatever reason.

Talaniman I forgot to mention mature he's not. Hes so temperamental, so if someone cut him off in traffic, he would ride their bumper and curse at them, stopping other traffic. But that's another story. He's a great provider, father, and husband but his behavior is beginning to turn me away and resent him. I ask myself how can I resent someone that takes care of home but his actions can be so harmful. People I've mentioned this to in the past think I would be less stressed if I leave, but I believe in working through the trials and tribulations of life, but I'm starting to think about leaving. I don't want to but he's stressing me or I'm losing my hair, bad sleeping, and having stomach pain. I'm walking on egg shells with him.

[Jake2008]

Controlling people do not consider the fact that the one they are controlling, does not need to be. They lack, through insecurity, fear, guilt, etc. the ability to have enough faith and respect for their partner.

It is a simple thing to say, but for a person who feels like they cannot survive without the constant company of their mate for whatever reason, makes the relationship very unbalanced.

When you 'win', and do go out with your girlfriends, he sees himself as 'losing', thus the childish behaviour with the silent treatment or 'punishment' for what you did to him. He is not considering that he is showing a lack of respect, or maturity, or understanding.

I suggest maybe sitting down with him. Not to rehash, or argue, or compromise, or get him to see your point of view, or him to see your point of view.

Just tell him that you have decided that once every four weeks, you are going to have some 'girl time' with your friends. He can order in pizza, get the homework done, get the kids off to bed. You will call when you are leaving work, then will be shutting off the phone. Tell him where you're going to be if there is an emergency. You are not exactly sure of the hour and minute you will be home, but, you will be home.

After you have informed him, let the kids know also. They won't have to sit and watch him on his phone all night trying to talk to you, and then worry themselves.

You will eventually establish some independence, which is essential in my opinion, for any healthy relationship, but particularly for a marriage. Set an example, and stick to it. What you allow him to do, will have consequences to you personally, as will the marriage (resentment). And, it will be a far better example of how adults treat each other to your children.

[talaniman]

Not to be harsh, but you must set boundaries of acceptable behavior that allow you the dignity, and self respect you deserve.

[lifeseeker75]

Jake2008 wow! You described him to the T. I couldn't agree with you more... I allowed this behavior for so long I have to be the one to change it.
Thank you!! :-)

Controlling people do not consider the fact that the one they are controlling, does not need to be. They lack, through insecurity, fear, guilt, etc., the ability to have enough faith and respect for their partner.

It is a simple thing to say, but for a person who feels like they cannot survive without the constant company of their mate for whatever reason, makes the relationship very unbalanced.

When you 'win', and do go out with your girlfriends, he sees himself as 'losing', thus the childish behaviour with the silent treatment or 'punishment' for what you did to him. He is not considering that he is showing a lack of respect, or maturity, or understanding.

I suggest maybe sitting down with him. Not to rehash, or argue, or compromise, or get him to see your point of view, or him to see your point of view.

Just tell him that you have decided that once every four weeks, you are going to have some 'girl time' with your friends. He can order in pizza, get the homework done, get the kids off to bed. You will call when you are leaving work, then will be shutting off the phone. Tell him where you're going to be if there is an emergency. You are not exactly sure of the hour and minute you will be home, but, you will be home.

After you have informed him, let the kids know also. They won't have to sit and watch him on his phone all night trying to talk to you, and then worry themselves.

You will eventually establish some independence, which is essential in my opinion, for any healthy relationship, but particularly for a marriage. Set an example, and stick to it. What you allow him to do, will have consequences to you personally, as will the marriage (resentment). And, it will be a far better example of how adults treat each other to your children.

[lifeseeker75]

Talaniman harsh.. you are not.. you are just telling it like it is. I take positive criticism very well. That's what confused me the most. When I'm at work and raising my children I'm organized and in charge but with him he push a button or pull a string and I'm his little puppet. Well I say no more I'm finally strong enough to stand my ground. Thanks again!!

Not to be harsh, but you must set boundaries of acceptable behavior that allow you the dignity, and self respect you deserve.

[Wondergirl]

Talaniman harsh..you are not..you are just telling it like it is. I take positive criticism very well. That's what confused me the most. When I'm at work and raising my children I'm organized and in charge but with him he push a button or pull a string and I'm his little puppet. Well I say no more I'm finally strong enough to stand my ground. Thanks again!!!

I strongly suggest YOU go for a few sessions to a counselor to learn new strategies for dealing with your husband, so he doesn't put you in a child position or himself be in a child position. The counselor may very well ask him to attend a session in order to "help" you. (That's how I got reluctant husbands involved in counseling.)