[Kmac420]

My boyfriend of one year has been telling me throughout our entire relationship that he doesn't watch porn and he knows I'm not okay with him watching it. I am 19 and he is almost 22. Today in the "notes" section on his phone I saw the name of a porn star. He admitted he has been watching porn about 2-3 times a week throughout our relationship, even though he had been telling me he hasn't. He has videos of us and pictures of me so why should he need to watch porn and lie? I know he loves me and he wants to live with me and marry me. I don't know how to react or what to feel.

[backpack2389]

"My boyfriend of one year has been telling me throughout our entire relationship that he doesn't watch porn and he knows I'm not okay with him watching it."

It is because you are not okay with it that he has been lying to you. He probably wanted to avoid an argument and didn't want to hurt your feelings. Since it is very unlikely either of you will change, the lie may have been the best way to maintain peace and happiness in your relationship.

"He has videos of us and pictures of me so why should he need to watch porn and lie?"

Because he is committed to you and values your relationship, he cannot physically cheat on you without losing something he wants. However, both men and women are programmed to want variety in their sexual partners. This is his way to feed that desire for multiple partners without destroying your relationship.

Don't you ever fantasize about other people? Maybe it doesn't seem to be as vivid as porn, but if you're still doing it, it's pretty much the same thing. At any rate, he will very likely not change and if you fight this, you will be fighting a losing battle.

[Fr_Chuck]

He lies because you would not be open to accept him doing this. He is wrong about lying and should have been clear from the beginning that he does this. While not all men, many do watch porn, and it has nothing to do with you, or you being enough,

This is like TV, movies, or magazines, just a pretend escape.

[dontknownuthin]

Realistically, you need to determine if you can live with him using pornography because he won't stop unless he wants to.

It's a deal breaker for me but per many discussions about porn on ADHD, many men will continue using it whether their partners like it or not. I don't know why, but many men justify lying to their wives and girlfriends about it, and seem not to care a lot about how it makes the women in their lives feel. They seem to think that because they think it "shouldn't" negatively impact the women in their lives, the women have "no right" to feel badly upon discovering it.

I think that in a relationship, if we have to sneak around about something, we shouldn't be doing it. I do not think porn is innocuous and I do feel that a man in a relationship should raise the bar on his behavior in consideration of his partner's feelings. I also feel the industry is predatory and poorly regulated, and many minors are abused by it. Many of the barely-legal women are preyed upon as well, and quite a lot of women featured in porn are sex-slaves. For these reasons, I will not be with a man who participates in any way in the business, as a customer or free observer or whatever. No thanks.

There are men who share my feminist views, and those are the kinds of men I date.

That said, you may not feel as vigilant as I do, and have to decide where your boundary is drawn. This may not be a deal breaker issue for you. Maybe you just don't want to come across evidence of it and need him to do a better job of keeping it away from you. I don't know, but you should have your eyes open to the reality - he's not going to stop. If he wanted to stop out of respect for you, he would have done so already.

[fredg]

Any good relationship must have honesty, respect, trust, caring, and a willingness to talk about anything. Your relationship lacks some of these like honesty, respect, and trust. If he really respects you, he would respect your wishes.
What else will he lie about?
I would think about ending this relationship and finding someone else. Good luck.

[CravenMorhead]

First off. Great Advice! That last paragraph is golden. But my bonnet has a bee in it.

I think that in a relationship, if we have to sneak around about something, we shouldn't be doing it. I do not think porn is innocuous and I do feel that a man in a relationship should raise the bar on his behavior in consideration of his partner's feelings. I also feel the industry is predatory and poorly regulated, and many minors are abused by it. Many of the barely-legal women are preyed upon as well, and quite a lot of women featured in porn are sex-slaves. For these reasons, I will not be with a man who participates in any way in the business, as a customer or free observer or whatever. No thanks.

If that is the case than the woman should relinquish EVERYTHING that arouses her that isn't her husband to raise the bar on their behaviour? Is it always up to the man to "Rise" up in the relationship and not the woman? The main purpose and thrust of popularly defined femenism is equality and balance. I see neither in the above statement.

Though being a man standing up for himself instead of kowtowing, I tend to be ignored and vilified.

It is misunderstanding and ignorance that creates the fear and loathing associated with pornography. Being ingrained in such, most people won't explore to understand the industry and instead just continue with half heard rumours and all their preconceived notions on it.

How is the industry poorly regulated? Every commercial made pornographic film in the US and many western countries are required to have records on the models in the film including Letters of consent, verification of age, and probably several waivers. If you've watched a commercially available pornographic film there will be a disclaimer as such at the front.

The fact of the matter most models are doing what they do for the money like any capitalist in our world. He is a venture capitalist, She's a manager at wal-mart, he takes it up the rear, she eats carpet. Everyone gets paid for their work and trust me porn is hard work. No pun intended. I follow blogs of a few porn stars and it is a job.

When you get to the amateur stuff or some of what you find online. That is where it gets dodgy. But who pays for porn online.

There are men who share my feminist views, and those are the kinds of men I date.

I pity the man you find to be honest because either he's going to be a GREAT lair or will be so whipped by the harsh feminist culture that he'll be afraid of having a libido because he wouldn't want to be exploiting or objectifying you.

That said, you may not feel as vigilant as I do, and have to decide where your boundary is drawn. This may not be a deal breaker issue for you. Maybe you just don't want to come across evidence of it and need him to do a better job of keeping it away from you. I don't know, but you should have your eyes open to the reality - he's not going to stop. If he wanted to stop out of respect for you, he would have done so already.

Solid advice. A different angle though, If you wanted to ignore this out of respect for him. He has the utmost respect for you. I can guarantee this. He's been trying to hide this because he doesn't want to hurt you, but he wants to be with you.

So as a test and a thought for you. What was his affection and intimacy levels before you knew he was watching porn. This is when he was watching but you didn't know. What was life like? Now that you know. What has changed? The amount he makes love to you? The intimate moments? Anything in the relationship?

[CravenMorhead]

Any good relationship must have honesty, respect, trust, caring, and a willingness to talk about anything. Your relationship lacks some of these like honesty, respect, and trust. If he really respects you, he would respect your wishes.
What else will he lie about?
I would think about ending this relationship and finding someone else. Good luck.

Zero Tolerance hasn't worked well for anything. Just ask the kid that got suspended because he ate a sandwich into the shape of a gun. What and why are very important here. Because he knows that you don't approve of porn he is going to hide it and deny it. Does that mean he is going to run around and cheat on you? Nope.

I think compromise is appropriate here as well as a good understanding on how a man's mind works. I have found with a good number of women that they have no clue how they work and just assume that they act and behave the same way that they do. Which is dead wrong.

I don't think he is the one that needs to change here because you've made NO effort to understand his side. You're just laying down rules. See how well that works.

[backpack2389]

If that is the case than the woman should relinquish EVERYTHING that arouses her that isn't her husband to raise the bar on their behaviour? Is it always up to the man to "Rise" up in the relationship and not the woman?

I don't think there's an argument here to relinquish everything that arouses a person outside of their partner, just porn. And the argument to give it up, at least as far as dontknownuthin seemed to be saying, was that it's an industry that's exploitive. Maybe it doesn't treat all of its workers unfairly, but even a handful being seriously mistreated should at least give you pause regarding the industry overall.

Also, nowhere is it said that the man must be the only one in a relationship to rise up. Perhaps it seems that way because there is a double standard for behavior in society where women are taught to be modest and men are taught to be aggressive about sexuality. I think women grow up held to standards of behavior that are more stringent while men are told that folding to such standards makes them weak and unmasculine. Maybe you don't agree but I think this is true and is the source of your complaint that 'men must always be the ones to rise up.' I personally have made many sacrifices and changes to make my relationship work. Maybe that's not 'rising up' in the moral sense but it is 'rising to the occasion.'

At any rate, do you believe that learning to look the other way with regard to pornography would be the way in which a woman should 'rise up?'

[CravenMorhead]

I don't think there's an argument here to relinquish everything that arouses a person outside of their partner, just porn. And the argument to give it up, at least as far as dontknownuthin seemed to be saying, was that it's an industry that's exploitive. Maybe it doesn't treat all of its workers unfairly, but even a handful being seriously mistreated should at least give you pause regarding the industry overall.

Just Porn... so male arousal. Things that get women turned on is fine. Harlequin romances, romantic comedies, and literary erotica are all fine for the woman. It is a double standard.

Also, nowhere is it said that the man must be the only one in a relationship to rise up. Perhaps it seems that way because there is a double standard for behavior in society where women are taught to be modest and men are taught to be aggressive about sexuality. I think women grow up held to standards of behavior that are more stringent while men are told that folding to such standards makes them weak and unmasculine. Maybe you don't agree but I think this is true and is the source of your complaint that 'men must always be the ones to rise up.' I personally have made many sacrifices and changes to make my relationship work. Maybe that's not 'rising up' in the moral sense but it is 'rising to the occasion.'

It has been a long growing trend of emasculation. Maybe one side of the standard is wrong and not the one you're thinking of. Maybe women should be more aggressive and open with respect to their sexuality. As bad as it sounds, maybe we should abandon the last of the Victorian and Edwardian beliefs and body, mind, and sexuality and approach it in a different manner. That is what society is evolving to but I think we have yet to find the balance.

For example, Slut shaming. How the hell does that make sense? A woman is being attacked for exploring her own sexuality. A guy does the same thing and gets a pat on the back. Why don't we do the same for the woman?

What I am saying is that maybe the standard of men having to rise to the occasion should be replaced with relaxing of the standards for both men and women.

At any rate, do you believe that learning to look the other way with regard to pornography would be the way in which a woman should 'rise up?'

I think she needs to understand the problem first. Why doesn't she want her boyfriend to watch pornography? This will most likely bring up a bunch of self-confidence, self-image, and self-esteem issues that she has. Second she needs to deal with her own said issues. Realization that she is a sexy, beautiful person, regardless of anything that is bumpy, or saggy, or what not. I am seen size 0 women with cellulite, so no body is perfect this side of photoshop. Learn to love herself, how can she expect her boyfriend to if she doesn't?

Next she needs to figure out how she gets aroused, how her boyfriend does, and how monumentally different those ways are. Men are from mars, and women are from venus. It is that different. Then she needs to understand why he is doing what he is doing. Discover that it isn't because he's dissatisfied with her or that he isn't attracted to her anymore. That even watching porn, he loves her, and cares for her, and wants to spend his life with her. Regardless of the fact that he wanks off to a silicon filled thought.

That is the course of action. She doesn't need to turn a blind eye but understand what is happening and going on, separate the emotional and instinctual from the intellectual and rational. This isn't a simple process and it can be simplified into a "You can look just so long as I see no evidence of it." I wouldn't recommend it because you'll always have that Sloth (Not elephant) in the living room.

Knee jerk responses do not do anyone any good. Especially when it comes to your sex lives. It is still just a private part of your life that any variance can and will cause problems. If you don't communicate well, which is something that is not happening well here, then things are going to fester until the relationship falls apart.

That is my advice in a coconut shell, won't fit in a walnut.

[mogrann]

Just want to let people know not only men watch/read porn. 50 shades of gray is one example that I can think of. I myself do not understand women or men who say if they loved me they would not need to read/watch it.
Well I don't like science fiction so if my husband loved me he would not watch it at all. All I see is people wanting to control others. What happened to open dialogue in relationships? That is not you must do what I want or you don't love me rather talking to each other and listening to each other.

[CravenMorhead]

Just want to let people know not only men watch/read porn. 50 shades of gray is one example that I can think of. I myself do not understand women or men who say if they loved me they would not need to read/watch it.
Well I don't like science fiction so if my husband loved me he would not watch it at all. All I see is people wanting to control others. What happened to open dialogue in relationships? That is not you must do what I want or you don't love me rather talking to each other and listening to each other.

If I could give you another one I would. On the head.

[Wondergirl]

If I could give you another one I would. On the head.

I gave her one of mine with your name on it. :)

[backpack2389]

Just Porn... so male arousal. Things that get women turned on is fine. Harlequin romances, romantic comedies, and literary erotica are all fine for the woman. It is a double standard.

But there are factors associated with porn that are not associated with erotic literature - such as real people being the source of the entertainment and that some of those people are being treated badly. As I have said many times, I find both forms of media unappealing. I read part of 50 shades of gray on the recommendation of a friend. I couldn't finish it because it was the most ridiculous piece of poorly written garbage I had ever encountered. Maybe if I indulged in that form of entertainment more often or earlier, I would think differently. But, as it stands, I don't like any of it.

What I am saying is that maybe the standard of men having to rise to the occasion should be replaced with relaxing of the standards for both men and women.

I agree with this statement. I'm not saying that the current standard of society is fair or right, just that it is. The fact that it puts men and women on different levels with regard to behavioral standards and gives people different perspectives of right and wrong is going to cause problems when those people eventually have to understand each other.

I mean, is it really such a wonder that so many people struggle with this issue? For one person, it's something you never do and for another it's your God given right. How do you easily reconcile those perspectives? I do believe it should be an open dialogue and one that neither a man nor a woman should be ashamed to voice their perspectives on. It's also why, when this issue becomes a problem, I don't think either party should 100% take the blame.

[JudyKayTee]

"I couldn't finish it because it was the most ridiculous piece of poorly written garbage I had ever encountered. Maybe if I indulged in that form of entertainment more often or earlier, I would think differently. But, as it stands, I don't like any of it."

That form of entertainment?

You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but "that form of entertainment"?

That entire statement is a poorly aimed jab at anyone who doesn't have a problem with erotic (or, for that matter, pornographic) literature.

[Wondergirl]

"I couldn't finish it because it was the most ridiculous piece of poorly written garbage I had ever encountered..."

There he was talking about the book, Fifty Shades of Gray, which indeed is horrendous writing -- pulp fiction, if that.

[Alty]

There he was talking about the book, Fifty Shades of Gray, which indeed is horrendous writing -- pulp fiction, if that.

I read all three books because my husband bought them for me thinking I'd like them. I'm an avid reader, and he's always buying me books, and normally he has great test in reading material, despite the fact that he's not a reader. This time he failed.

I have no idea why that series has gone to the top of the charts. It is fluff, and it's not even good fluff, but I have to admit, I will likely watch the movie (I won't pay to see it in the theater,but I'll buy the DVD) when they make it, simply because I want to see how they interpret the book. I also want to find out if it's going to even be allowed on the big screen. It's porn, and unless they leave out the sex scenes, which would be 75% of the books, they won't be allowed to show what they do in the book, on the big screen.

To the OP, if you've ever read a romance novel, or watched a romantic movie, then guess what, you're watching chick porn.

The biggest problem I had with your post is that you seem to think that you can say "you're not allowed to" and he should bow and obey because you don't like it. That's not a relationship, that's ownership. If you want someone to obey your every command, get a dog.

Side note.

Craven and Mogrann, I greenied each of you, and then ran out. I would have given more if I had them. Great posts, and right on target.

[JudyKayTee]

I don't think it will win the Pulitzer Prize for literature - my problem was with "Maybe if I indulged in that form of entertainment more often or earlier, I would think differently. But, as it stands, I don't like any of it."

"That form of entertainment" is a jab at anyone/everyone who likes erotic literature. This is like telling a person she doesn't sweat much for a fat girl, a jab.

[backpack2389]

I have read sex scenes in books that I found arousing. I have read some examples of erotic literature, and it has never appealed to me. Usually my trouble with it is that the writing is frequently so clumsy (in my opinion) that I cannot get into it. 50 Shades of Gray was a whole new level of bad writing - again, in my opinion. However, knowing that other people read it, my point with that comment was that my lack of familiarity with it might be keeping me from seeing the positives of it.

Anyway, if porn is like any other form of entertainment... would you be upset if I said I didn't like magazines as a form of entertainment? What if I didn't like a specific genre?

If any negative feelings were communicated in my comments, they stem from the fact that it seems to often be assumed on AMHD that where men are watching porn, women are spending an equal amount of time watching/reading what has been dubbed 'chick' porn. For me personally, and for many others I'm sure, this isn't true and I dislike being put into such a box.

If the OP does indulge in 'chick' porn and can see romantic comedies as being the same thing as pornography, then the equality argument might work. If she cannot do/does not do either of those things, then she'll just have to accept that she may not look outside the relationship for sexual gratification while he does and there can be practical reasons for both of them to do what they do. It's still an equal relationship as long as both people have equal expectations of each other.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm not "upset" by your comment. I thought it was unfair to anyone/everyone who enjoys or minimally tolerates porn and erotic literature.

That's the problem with assuming.

At any rate, yes, I understand what you are saying.

[talaniman]

If it wasn't porn it would be something else that made you feel bad so the real issue is how you both work together to resolve this issue that you both can live with. While he shouldn't have lied about it at all, many guys do to keep the peace and that's always a conflict when the truth come to light.

I see this as your first big test in this year old relationship that will set a pattern of how you are going to resolve future conflicts. If you insist he stop watching porn, then be prepared for him to make you stop something, be it the way you dress, or the friends you hang with, or anything else.

If I were you, I would be talking and listening, and setting boundaries that allows for respect, honesty and truth, but gives you both privacy, and trust. Not easy, but it has to be worked on by you both. Now that you know the truth, it's what you do about it that counts,and trust me if you do get a resolution about the porn, there will be many more obstacles to deal with down the road.

Choose your battles and how you fight them carefully. If you expect a lifetime, then start now to lay the foundations of honesty through communications because if you can't talk you will NEVER understand each other, nor resolve things that life throws at you. In this regard you won't last long together any way.

You build a life together, or you build it apart.