[J_9]

there are factors associated with porn that are not associated with erotic literature - such as real people being the source of the entertainment

However, women are literal creatures. We like to fantasize. It's much easier for a woman to read and expand than it is for a man who is a visual creature. A man will not derive the same kind of pleasure/eroticism reading that a woman will, whereas a woman will not derive the same kind of pleasure in visual stimulation that a man does.

[backpack2389]

However, women are literal creatures. We like to fantasize. It's much easier for a woman to read and expand than it is for a man who is a visual creature. A man will not derive the same kind of pleasure/eroticism reading that a woman will, whereas a woman will not derive the same kind of pleasure in visual stimulation that a man does.

Agreed, but I wasn't talking about the gratification to be had by the consumer. I was talking about the ethics associated with the production of it. As a consumer of literature, you don't have to worry about the characters in the novel being treated ethically, because they are not real people. With porn, they are real people so you could be promoting an industry that is taking advantage of/exploiting people. The sexual gratification to be had by the consumer from either form could very well be equivalent but that statement was about the ethics not the gratification. It was related to a couple of earlier posts discussing the industry.

[talaniman]

What does the political view of porn have to do with anything? You assume the actors are slaves when in fact they get paid bookoo bucks. To many the degree of hard core porn, and soft core porn found on HBO is negligible.

Doesn't matter if your partner doesn't have the same view as you do. If the issue was how to raise the kids you would still need to come to a compromise.

If it's a deal breaker then leave. Personally if I have to lie to keep peace, I would leave.

[Wondergirl]

However, women are literal creatures. We like to fantasize.

Don't you mean we are NOT literal creatures (whereas men are), thus we can fantasize and use our emotions (whereas men need the literal, the visual). That's why, if a man wants a hot lovemaking session with his female partner that evening after work, he should begin stimulating her imagination and emotions early in the day and continue throughout the day.

[mogrann]

Some good discussions are going on but may I suggest the words most or usually. Not all women are not literal people. Some woman like watching porn more than reading and some men like reading it more than watching. Nothing is absolute. I would not want someone to be reading this thinking they were odd as they went against what they should be.

[smoothy]

I'm an adult.. if I want to watch porn... nobody has any right to tell me I can't.

I don't tell her what she can watch... she can't tell me what I can watch... but then, I was wise enough to pick a woman with good self esteme to marry.

I've walked out on every female that tried to be controlling... either overtly or passive -aggressively.

If you learn only one rule of life... its should be this one... one persons personl rights end... where the personal rights of another begin.

If everyone followed that rule... there would be far less trouble in the world.

[Alty]

Agreed, but I wasn't talking about the gratification to be had by the consumer. I was talking about the ethics associated with the production of it. As a consumer of literature, you don't have to worry about the characters in the novel being treated ethically, because they are not real people. With porn, they are real people so you could be promoting an industry that is taking advantage of/exploiting people. The sexual gratification to be had by the consumer from either form could very well be equivalent but that statement was about the ethics not the gratification. It was related to a couple of earlier posts discussing the industry.

Very good points, but sadly that's not what we're discussing on this thread. The OP posted that she forbid her boyfriend to watch porn because she doesn't like it, and he felt the need to lie and watch it behind her back, because he knew she wouldn't be happy with him watching it, because she doesn't allow him to.

Can we at least agree that adults are allowed to make their own decisions, and no relationship will survive if one person forbids the other from doing something (that's legal) when they want to do it?

That's why I bring up chick flicks and books like 50 Shades of grey. They're legal forms of entertainment. They don't have to be your cup of tea, and that's fine, but for many others, and 50 Shades of grey is a great example, it is a form of entertainment, mainly enjoyed by women, and it is porn. You're arguing that because it's a book and not real, it's okay, but a man watching porn isn't?

Telling a man that he can't watch porn because you don't agree with it, is not your choice, it's his. If he chooses to promote an industry that you don't agree with, but is legal, than that's his choice, not yours.

Really though, your aversion to the porn industry and your opinion that it exploits women, is not in keeping with the question of this particular thread. It's an interesting topic, and one I'd urge you to post about, but I would suggest that you start your own thread, and keep this thread about the actual question asked.

[greentree30]

I think it's silly to say romantic movies or chick flicks are like porn for women. Romantic movies don't bring me to orgasm! They don't get my lady parts crazy aroused! The romantic movies I do like just make me feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe these movies do get some women in the mood. I guess because the warm fuzzy feelings make them want to cuddle up to their boyfriend/ husband, and that turns into something more. Or it just makes them think of warm and fuzzy thoughts in general. But do they then go masturbate? I doubt it. I don't remember a good romantic movie ever making me want to go masturbate afterwards!

I can only assume erotic books are comparable to porn. I've never read one though. I've only read some excerpts from 50 shades of grey to see what the hype is and I laughed my a** off (because it's that bad).

Anyway, I just had to say I don't agree with those comparisons. I get tired of seeing it used on here all the time.

I'm not against porn though! To the OP, I can understand if you aren't interested in giving porn a chance. But watching it might change your mind. If you're at all curious, look for what you might be into. It might be that there is more build up or foreplay, or the women is treated with extra care, or it seems like a genuinely in love couple, or a certain type of position turns you on, etc. 80-90% of it doesn't do anything for me. But I know exactly what I like to watch. For the most part it just makes masturbation easier because I don't have to come up with a scenario in my head/ use my imagination, the video does that part for me.

Once you can get into it, you'll realize it's just a tool for you to masturbate. I highly doubt you'll be comparing the porn stars abs, penis, or whatever else to your boyfriend's! And your boyfriend isn't either. You'll realize there's nothing to be insecure about.

Only if he's neglecting you or choosing porn over you (you are home and ready and willing) is there a problem.

[smoothy]

I think it's silly to say romantic movies or chick flicks are like porn for women. Romantic movies don't bring me to orgasm! They don't get my lady parts crazy aroused! The romantic movies I do like just make me feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe these movies do get some women in the mood. I guess because the warm fuzzy feelings make them want to cuddle up to their boyfriend/ husband, and that turns into something more. Or it just makes them think of warm and fuzzy thoughts in general. But do they then go masturbate? I doubt it. I don't remember a good romantic movie ever making me want to go masturbate afterwards!

I can only assume erotic books are comparable to porn. I've never read one though. I've only read some excerpts from 50 shades of grey to see what the hype is and I laughed my a** off (because it's that bad).

Anyway, I just had to say I don't agree with those comparisons. I get tired of seeing it used on here all the time.

I'm not against porn though! To the OP, I can understand if you aren't interested in giving porn a chance. But watching it might change your mind. If you're at all curious, look for what you might be into. It might be that there is more build up or foreplay, or the women is treated with extra care, or it seems like a genuinely in love couple, or a certain type of position turns you on, etc. 80-90% of it doesn't do anything for me. But I know exactly what I like to watch. For the most part it just makes masturbation easier because I don't have to come up with a scenario in my head/ use my imagination, the video does that part for me.

Once you can get into it, you'll realize it's just a tool for you to masturbate. I highly doubt you'll be comparing the porn stars abs, penis, or whatever else to your boyfriend's! And your boyfriend isn't either. You'll realize there's nothing to be insecure about.

Only if he's neglecting you or choosing porn over you (you are home and ready and willing) is there a problem.

Its not silly... if you understood more about the differences between the thought processes of men... and the thought processes of women... you would see they are essentially the same thing... (romance novels ARE girl porn) because of the differences of how each gender view and process things.

But then... you have to be willing to accept the fact that everyone doesn't think exactly they way you might... and just because you might not like something doesn't make it automatically wrong.

Think I'm kidding? Would you think anything that deviates from Puritanical views and practices regarding sex (say during the 16th through 18th centuries) are the only ones that are correct and its everyone else that has a problem? Well if you are seriously repressed sexually you might... but the fact remains... people like that are the ones that have the real problems... and its also a main factor in why a man having a mistress or more was common practice back then too.

[greentree30]

Its not silly...if you understood more about the differences between the thought processes of men...and the thought processes of women...you would see they are essentially the same exact thing....(romance novels ARE girl porn) because of the differences of how each gender view and process things.

Yea I agree about romance novels, just not romantic comedies or chick flicks being female porn. Or at least not every woman has that sort of reaction to them.

But then...you have to be willing to accept the fact that everyone doesn't think exactly they way you might....and just because you might not like something doesn't make it automatically wrong.

Trust me, I know everyone doesn't think like me! When I disagree with something I just see it as we have different opinions/ point of views.
I don't dislike romance novels. Just because I never got into them doesn't mean I think they're wrong! If someone likes 50 shades of gray (the only one I know I don't like) more power to them!

[greentree30]

Think I'm kidding? Would you think anything that deviates from Puritanical views and practices regarding sex (say during the 16th through 18th centuries) are the only ones that are correct and its everyone else that has a problem? Well if you are seriously repressed sexually you might....but the fact remains...people like that are the ones that have the real problems....and its also a main factor in why a man having a mistress or more was common practice back then too.

If a puritan is happy with his sexually repressed, buttoned up lifestyle then who's to say he's the one with the problems?
Unless he secretly has a mistress on the side, then he's really not satisfied with the puritan practices. He's just trying to portray the perfect puritan lifestyle! But he's really a naughty man who's unbuttoning his tightly buttoned clothing. He's not living up to his puritan values! Well then he does in fact have the problems! Or does he? :-P

[JudyKayTee]

And the OP's question, how would you address that?

This has turned into a discussion and should be moved to the discussion boards.

[talaniman]

There is no right or wrong about porn, or whatever turns your crank. The real issue is how you and a partner resolve your differences. That really starts with the first encounter, and you learn as you go.

Some couples are more successful than others.

[smoothy]

If a puritan is happy with his sexually repressed, buttoned up lifestyle then who's to say he's the one with the problems?
Unless he secretly has a mistress on the side, then he's really not satisfied with the puritan practices. He's just trying to portray the perfect puritan lifestyle! But he's really a naughty man who's unbuttoning his tightly buttoned clothing. He's not living up to his puritan values!! Well then he does in fact have the problems! Or does he? :-P

Well the difference between them being happy... and trying to portray their way as the only way are way different...

If they are happy not living up to their potiential... (an I am meaning doing it monogomously)... thats their loss... and I do thank god I wasn't born into that era.

I've also known more than a few females in my younger years... that had some serious repression... and even back then it was enough it put me off and that was a huge factor in my walking away from them eventually... and what I considered simply repressed in those days... I now consider SERIOUSLY repressed. And I am really pretty far from what most people would consider wild... hell, I've been married for over 20 years...

And actually... its not always the female that has the issues... sometimes it's the guy that's the prude.

[greentree30]

Smoothy,
That wasn't a real answer I just felt like being silly. I'm running on not much sleep!
But yea, I'm not into people being prudish or sexually repressed. I've found there tends to be an underlying problem they experienced growing up that stuck with them as adults.

Sorry Judy, no more straying off topic for me!

[Kmac420]

For the record people I don't watch chick flicks or read erotic books please take that discussion somewhere else and let's stay on topic

[smoothy]

For the record people I don't watch chick flicks or read erotic books please take that discussion somewhere else and let's stay on topic

Um... thats not how this site works.

Those are part and parcel with each other...

And the fact is.. if you have issues... you need to deal with them... not project them on him because your issues existed before you knew him and would still exist if you ever break up...

As an adult its his right to view porn... and its not anyone's right to impose any controls on the other... overtly or passive-agressively.

Meaning... its not his business to dictate what you do for fun on private time any more than its your business to tell him what he can watch on his private time (and I bet you do watch chick flicks even if you don't want to call them that, tell us what movies have you watched in the last year and we can point them out.) .

Think I'm kidding... I give him at least 80% odds of walking away from you if you push him on this. Best to learn that little rule about personal space and personal rights... there is an immaginary line between people where your rights end... as do theirs if they wish to impose them upon you. It's the appitomy of arrogance to think everyone has to do things the way YOU expect them to be done... The woman I married NEVER tried this the 5 years we dated... nor the 20+ years since we have been married, and I've never done it to her. We have our occaisional disagreements... but its never on anything related to this. More about who left a mess in what room or didn't put something away.

Might apply at home with your kids when you are the parent... but it doesn't with adults... and while it might seem hard to believe... most men and women would never think about telling their partner or spouse what they can and can't watch. I know a lot of them. THere are even many of them here.

The older you get... the more you will understand this... and why. Its one of the great privileges you have as an adult... when you move out and support yourself.

[talaniman]

Just so you know, the less you participate in this discussion, the more it strays, so tell us what YOU think of this matter so far? Have you and your guy talked?

[Kmac420]

Just so you know, the less you participate in this discussion, the more it strays, so tell us what YOU think of this matter so far? Have you and your guy talked?

You're right. Yes we have talked a lot about it and he feels horrible and ashamed of himself for lying to me to watch porn. He said he has stopped watching it. But how can I trust him again? I am worried that I will feel uncomfortable having sex with him

[greentree30]

Why would you feel uncomfortable having sex with him? Because he's watched porn? It sounds like you need to be more comfortable with yourself.

He lied to you about it because he knew you'd get extremely upset about it. If this is the only lie he's told you, then you can trust him. Guys will lie about porn to women who get upset about it. If you didn't get upset about it then he'd tell you the truth. This is one of those things you should either accept or break up with him. But my advice is to accept it because most men (and a lot of women) watch porn. If you're not comfortable with it then you should find a guy who doesn't watch it.

If he's honest about watching porn in the future are you going to get mad at him?
And if he's vowing to never watch porn again, it's incredibly unlikely he can stick to that! It's just how a lot of people masturbate.