[mrpigz]

Hi all would like to share my experience of my relationship problems with all in hope anyone could kindly give me some advice and help.

I am a 31 year old man currently with a lady of 32 years old in a relationship. We had been together for 3 years. We had a very good relationship. During the first two years, I can feel my girlfriend is so attach to me. She loves me a lot and will always spend most of her time with me. She has little friends and activities when we first get together, so I invited her to join my activities and soon to realize, we spend most of our time together. We meet almost every day and we had never run out of topics with one another. Always talking to one another, meet in the morning and afternoon but at night we will still chat on the phone. The relationship was so perfect, and we went on to our commitments to make plans for our wedding.

On the 2nd half of the 2nd year, we got even closer, we will stay over each other houses like 3 times per week or more, sometime even 5 times. We basically are just like wife and husband. We are so comfortable of being together. Once in a while, I will give her surprise to bring her oversea for a short getaway and do small surprises for her. But soon I realize we are so comfortable that we stop doing normal dating, we do almost a lot of mundane stuff that we used to do. I thought she is okay because I always wanted to bring her on hot dates she always refuse asking me not to spend so much money.

Soon when my wedding date comes close, around 6 months away, she changed. After one big argument, she suddenly changes to another person which I find it hard to believe.

1) She say in the past 2 years she was not really herself, the character that she portray is just to suits my character and needs. Because wedding is coming she wants to show me the real self and see whether I am able to adapt. (I feel shock because all along I thought our characters were suited that is why I committed in signing the wedding banquet, houses etc. with her) - Somehow I feel a bit cheated like she is not being honest from the start. But she explained because in the early relationship she loves me too much.

2) NOW she no longer have the same attraction she used to have for me. She says her love for me is just like the love for her family member. Therefore she says she cannot marry me. Because she don't have the attraction and passion anymore. It just died off. (Therefore she no longer feels interested in talking to me. Everything like talking to me etc. seems like obligation I guess.)

3) She is not ready for marriage. She cannot convince herself to say the vow. Says she love me etc. because she say her love for me has becomes the love of family... not passion ( this is very sad for me... I feel like I am such a loser.)

4) She say she still loves me (family kind of) so she wanted to try with me again to re-find the passion she once had. But for now we had to cancel all wedding plans and preparations.

For me everything came in a shock. I am not expecting anything like this. Suddenly the girl of my life that I wanted to spend my life with says she is not herself and she has LOST PASSION AND ATTRACTION ON ME. I mean how tough can it get. I ask her what if we keep trying and trying and she still cannot find the passion or attraction then one day an attractive guy came along and she fell very attracted to him? Will she leave this guy (me) who she has only family love kind of feeling? She say she don't know... will be very tempted.

My heart sinks... I spend all my effort and heart into these 3 years relationships... the result I get in the end is this. Hope anyone can give me some advises... I don't know what to do anymore.

[LittleBlackKat]

It sounds to me like she was stringing you along for the purposes of a puppy love and her own personal "experiments" if you will. But think of it this way in a more positive light: Would you rather be knee-deep in the relationship, married for a few years with 2-3 kids and THEN find out that she was not herself and over night turned into a new person?

I know you feel like you wasted your time, but one thing stuck out for me the most and it was this : But she explained because in the early relationship she love me too much.
In my opinion, this is never a good sign. I only say it because I have been through the same thing. I spent over a year of my life with an ex who claimed he loved me pretty much from the get-go and it only ended badly. We too planned a wedding and a bright future ahead of ourselves, but we were only kidding ourselves.

My best advice, next time try not to let your guard down so soon and don't run away with the light and bubbly feelings. Those are nice to have, but never forget to use logic too else you'll end up in a big big mess.

Oh, as for the other mess involving the other "attractive guy" well that pretty much sums it up. It sounds to me like she is not interested in things getting serious. Why? I don't know. Maybe she has commitment issues and maybe just wants short flings. I'd just cut off all contact with her because of you focus on thoughts of her with the other guy, it will only drag your own mood down lower and who needs that?

Leave it be, find someone worthy of your efforts and time.

Hope this helps.

[mrpigz]

I am a needy person in nature, but from the start of the relationship I had prevent myself from being clingy so to get things slow. But as times goes by, I am surprise that my partner is the needy and enjoy sticking to me a lot. Thus, I thought she was the perfect match for me, so I went straight in putting her as my top priority in life. I did everything for her I care for her always, and I understand that if I love her I should love her family and friends too. So I was involved in caring for her family, bring her family out for trips, treating them, anything I could possible do I will do it.

Our relationship becomes great so great (do not have many arguments) that we decided to commit to purchase a house together on the first year and end of 2nd year we planned for marriage. All our family and friends were happy for us. However on the 3rd year when our wedding date approaches, I suddenly felt she is more distant from me. I had asked her, comfort her... asking her is it she has anything that she is not comfortable about, but she did not say.

Suddenly, on a day, we had a serious yet simple argument, things changed. Suddenly she told me she need more space for her. She needs freedom. She didn't have many friends so she wanted to expand her social circle. And she said that she was not herself for the past 2 years. She cannot give me as much attention and commitment in our relationship as last time. I was shocked and puzzled. Suddenly she changed so much. I mean at this stage that we are going through. But still I told her I love her and will sit down with her on a day to discuss each other expectation and needs so we can discuss and reach a common understanding and compromises if required. After that she seems okay but later on the next day, she told me she still loves me but she is not attracted to me like last time. I promised her to try getting back her attraction by planning to woo her again.

I thought things will get better but it did not. Suddenly she started texting a lot of random people on her phone. Our outing together was not committed, often she will text other people now and then. Overall, she started texting me less, speak to me less, no initiative to contact me , I'm the only one initiating the conversations and sometimes sitting in the room with phone on hand waiting for her text reply for hrs. It so happened that one day, I found out the real reason. She had gone online and had dated a person.

And to my surprise, that person is a woman. She had become the "bf" of another woman. I was so sad and shocked, I confronted her in a nice tone, I am not angry but I was just sad. I ask her to tell me honestly but she didn't want to say anything. And I knew the reasons she had not reply my text as enthusiastically as last time and why she didn't call me as much because she was happily in a relationship with the new woman and couldn't care more to contact me. After that we broke up. She contacted me and apologies and say is all her fault. She should have been honest with me from the start. But she said for the past 2 years she really love me a lot, just that this love becomes family love as time goes by and attraction level had dropped significantly as she understand she now feels that she is more attracted to women.

Is been sometime that we had broken up, she wants me to be her best friend and said that she never left me, she still feel the love for me and care for me, but she has no attraction and lust for me so she had to end this relationship. But I feel the way she end our relationship is so selfish, so many lies and betrayal at my back. I don't know, very much that I don't want her back, but I still miss the old her... the good times we had... and for this relationship, I had given my full 100% commitment, but it ended up this way which really saddens me.

I am confused and shock.

Threads have been merged together.

[talaniman]

A really sad love story with a sad ending. Be a while before you are normal again. She fooled you a long time by hiding her true nature, but as hurt as you are being a friend is not wise right now at all, and I hope you disappear completely from her life.

That's the only way you can start the healing process and get your life back. Be grateful she didn't marry you and keep the deception going. That would be even more devastating. What of the house you bought?

[mrpigz]

We broke a house which cost over half a million USD... we took bank loan and now we have to face the loan penalty for canceling the house.

Anyway I am just sad and shock to see it end this way.

I had already treated her like my wife... and I had always been honest with her.. not a single time I lied. And yet there's so much lies and betrayal at the end.

[joypulv]

I'm going to take her side, because she isn't here to defend herself.
I think she is being honest, not a liar or betrayer at all. She changed. That happens. Better now that after marriage, and better now than after children.
And I think the reason she changed is that you are indeed very needy, and although charming at first, it wears out after a while, and becomes stifling. She may have spent all her time with you at first and that seemed needy too, but it's not really the same. Neediness is something that never goes away, unlike first romance and infatuation.
I'll bet that if you ask her if her change revolves around that one single word, she will say yes.

[mrpigz]

She didn't told me all this. I had to find out myself eventually to confront her.

If it is true, I don't understand how neediness can cause a person to change her sexual orientation. I am confuse.

I had asked her the question you posted on neediness... she mention to me that no... she still love me and concern for me... but lack the attraction... which she finds woman more attractive.

I am in a lost...

[joypulv]

I missed that part because your threads were merged (I think).
I'm sorry you feel lost. Both men and women don't always know from a young age that they are attracted to others of their sex. I hope that you can understand that she wasn't a liar, and accept this is one of life's obstacles. The pain is the same whether someone leaves you for a man, a woman, a far away land, to join a convent, or they die. With several other scenarios too. I don't know anyone who hasn't suffered this way. You talk about it, you try to understand, and you immerse yourself in friends, family, work, school, and interests, even if you have to force yourself. Good luck.

[talaniman]

Her sexual orientation didn't change, you were just kept out of her deeper secrets. You and her and who she is doing it with seem to be the only ones that know and she probably is in the close, due to friends, and family. Those reasons don't matter any way as the only thing to consider is what YOU do with your confusion, and sadness this has caused you.

How are you going to put this behind you, and deal with YOUR feelings is he question as you let time and building a life after her heals your emotional wounds. You can wallow and let this experience destroy you, or you can get a plan to move forward.

Those are your choices it seems so make a decision, and start following your own path. For all your confusion, just consider she may be even more confused than you are and will never be able to explain herself in a way you will understand. This is often the case when feelings change from what they were, to what they are. Happens to all of us, and has to do with her and who she is and NOT you and who you are.

Make sense? None of us can control the way we feel, but we can control what we do about those feelings, so take control of your feelings. ASAP.

[garboozle]

You should focus on getting into an new relationship and forget the old one ASAP.

[mrpigz]

Thanks guys...

But I guess I'm not moving on well... the truth hurts... when you had treated this woman like your wife... and you had so much planned future with her... but why did this had to happened.

I am confused still.

Somehow, I am confuse... I do not feel angry for her betrayal... just feeling sad... on the other hand I don't know why... but I still care for her... hoping her new life is good and that the other new party will treat her good... and hope her family could accept her new realization about her sexual orientation.

Recently, she is still in contact with me. We had spoken,. she keep saying sorry for all she had done and that she doesn't want to let me catch the betrayal this way... she just couldn't resist her temptation.

She say she is still very concern about me... she still loves me... but does not have the attraction anymore... she say she wants to care for me... and ask me to know that she never leave... she always here for me... just a phone call away...

I don't understand... she cheated on me.. and had given up on me and thrown all our happiness away and make both of our family sad... and NOW SHE IS STILL with this new lady... and she say she is happy with her and her relationship with her is a new and exciting one...

With that... I am even more confuse... why do she say she still cares for me... why does she say she still loves me... why does she say she always there for me... but the fact is that she had left with another person... I don't understand...

She had asked me if we could meet up... I say no... and joke that... I couldn't becos I hadn't get over her... and if I happen to see her now... I wouldn't be able to control myself... I might hold her hands and kiss her... she say she is nt afraid... cos she still loves me... although she doesn't had the attraction... this make me even more confuse... I don't know what she is saying...

Hope anyone can share with me your views...

[garboozle]

If you're having trouble moving on then. Don't move on. Keep loving her like you did before and wait for her to come back. It sounds like you have a good thing going with her if she's telling you she'll always be there and she's just a phone call away, I've clung to relationships with much less than that. If she ever asks to meet up again you should say yes.

[Cat1864]

At some point in the relationship, her feelings changed from romantic to platonic. She doesn't see you as a husband, lover, boyfriend, etc. She does see you as a friend and her love for you is friendship. She doesn't have to still harbor romantic feelings for you to care about you. Friends do care about and are there for other friends.

She is also probably feeling guilty because she wasn't honest about her feelings as soon as she knew they were changing. She may even miss the closeness of the relationship you had and is trying to hold on to that part. If she is, then she isn't being fair to her new girlfriend, their developing relationship and you. She needs to let the past go as much as you do.

Someday in the future maybe you can be friends (just friends,) but for now you both need to go your separate ways. Once any mutual bills and such have been handled, do not contact her and do not allow contact from her. If you meet in public, be polite, but do not encourage anything more.

Live your own life. Do not worry about her or what/how she is doing. Get involved in your own activities. Make new friends. Don't think about getting involved with someone new. Have fun without any expectations.

You need to give yourself time to let go and heal. Don't worry if it takes time or if you get caught up in memories. Don't dwell on them. Dwelling on them gives them more power than they should have. Try to look forward there is so much to see and enjoy in the future that you don't want to miss it by staring behind you.

[talaniman]

You will be confused as long a you keep talking to her, plain and simple.

[mrpigz]

Hi All, Thanks for everyone's input.

Days had passed, and I think I am getting far better than the initial phase when I am still as confused.

As my relationship with her was a very strong and closed one, I am still finding difficulties to move on without her in my life.

We used to do lots of things together... but now... I need to regain back my own life without her.

Anyway a short update on what is going on recently... as we had to settled some legal stuff together... so at some points of time.. I might still need to contact her...

This is tough... recently we had spoken awhile... she is now happily with a woman... which she dated and get to know a month ago... (she dated her while she was still in a relationship with me last time... and I had to find out myself... )

so to keep it short... she asked me some questions :

she said : " just wanted to ask you a hypothetical question. If in the future, we do get back together, will you be happy ? will you be as enjoyable as last time when you are with me? You see.....I love the stability and reassurance in our relationship, which our relationship together is a legal one. But apart of me still craves for the attraction of the same gender. Which i do not have from you. "

" If we will to be married, will you be happy knowing that your wife have no physical attraction to you but still loves you ? I dont know....is like a good dish....a good dish comes with good ingredients , what if now the major good ingredient is missing....the dish is still edible but not as nice...you will be happy about it?? "

" i dont want to cause you pain....i just hope we can be normal again....i believe one day you will find your happiness too....."

That's what she had told me... which make me more confuse and even more frustrating...

Basically I am sad and disappointed, before we broke up... she told me to woo her, find her the attraction and try my best to woo her back... I am willing to do so... but I was not told about her sexual preference.

While I am trying hard to get her back the attrraction, she secretly dated a woman at my back and within around 2 weeks... she got herself a "gf" while she is still in the relationship.

She didn't told me about me... but I ended up finding out myself... which is even the most painful thing. Becos... everything she did was a lie and had cheated on me...

I had always been faithful to her... and I always trusted her and always believe in a honest and open communication relationship with her...

Anyway, I am still confuse about what she had just said... can anyone tell me what does she mean? - " just wanted to ask you a hypothetical question. If in the future, we do get back together, will you be happy ? will you be as enjoyable as last time when you are with me? You see.....I love the stability and reassurance in our relationship, which our relationship together is a legal one. But apart of me still craves for the attraction of the same gender. Which i do not have from you. "


To ask all... do you think she change her sexual orientation on an impulse ? If so, why is she able to throw everything away including me and our commitments... is she regretting now ? But why is she still lovely doey with the woman even now...

I know she had cheated on me... lie to me... fooled me... I am hurt... but somehow I am not angry, I don't know why...

I am just worried about her new life that she is going through... cause it might be a tough one...

Guys, help me... I am confuse... =(

[talaniman]

Anyway, I am still confuse about what she had just said... can anyone tell me what does she mean? - " just wanted to ask you a hypothetical question. If in the future, we do get back together, will you be happy ? will you be as enjoyable as last time when you are with me? You see.....I love the stability and reassurance in our relationship, which our relationship together is a legal one. But apart of me still craves for the attraction of the same gender. Which i do not have from you. "

Your offer of respectability tempted her, as it would be great in the eyes of family and friends, and society. I think she was drawn to pleasing everyone else, but as the time drew near she could not.

To ask all... do you think she change her sexual orientation on an impulse ? If so, why is she able to throw everything away including me and our commitments... is she regretting now ? But why is she still lovely doey with the woman even now...

I doubt that very seriously as she may have been afraid to tell anyone of her sexual preferences fearing reprisals, and scorn. She probably had no opportunity to express or explore her sexuality with another female. So it has been suppressed until meeting some one who she could.

I have no doubt she regrets hurting you, and keeping her secret from you, my friend, as it couldn't have been easy, but I doubt she will change her mind at all. You have a right to be confused, but at some point you must accept this and get beyond it, and you will.

Anyone would be devastated by this turn of events and I know many who have married, had kids, yet get to the point they cannot deny their true nature for the conventions of society, and it tears a family apart. Some adjust better than other.

Does her family know? I doubt it, so now you must keep her secret until she I ready to reveal it.

[mrpigz]

Since I had found out, she had spoken to her family. She had admitted to them that she is attracted to woman.

Her mum was very sad that our relationship ended.

Why all these had happened to me? We are about to be married. Why did she have to date the woman behind my back... and even hold her hands and kissed her... when she is still with me.

She even told me there is nothing wrong with our relationship... she just lack of attraction... want me to find her back the attraction but yet... she was dating another woman.

I still cannot believe it... why is there so many cheating and lying at the end of our relationship... I had never lie to her before and had been honest to her all along.

I treated her like my own wife... but she treated me like a spare... I had find all hurt and lies myself... why does she say she still concern for me... still cares about me... is it because of guilt?

Why is she so attracted to that woman now... why she need to hurt me.. and then act honourable... saying she did for my own good... I mean she can be honest with me... but why have to ask me to attract her back and on the other hand secretly dating the woman... This is so unfair...

[talaniman]

Bad things can happen to good people. That's just the reality of life. You are repeating yourself, even though I can understand your pain, and misery.

Stop talking to her, and stop her from talking to you.

[mrpigz]

Guys, thanks for all your input. Appreciate all your effort.

As much as I wish to move on , I do feel sad that she changed so fast and cheated and lie to me . Treating me like a fool. But yet I still think of her once awhile and think of how she is and how is she with her new love. Also, does she still think of me and miss our memories.

Guys, just a question out of curiosity , can lesbian turn straight ?

Thanks.