[ok2usa]

We had been dating for 2.5 yrs. My boyfriend has never been talkative or affectionate. But for past 6 months he is mostly annoyed when we are together. He has cancer and his chances of cure are very good.

We have not been intimate for about 5 month because he physically cannot. He stopped texting and rarely calls. I asked if he doesn't love me anymore. He says he does. He says he cares but he rarely asks how I am doing! He is undergoing cancer treatment. I understand it's very overwhelming. But I think we still could be nicer to me or tell me he doesn't want me in his life. And he wouldn't go either way.

I don't know what to do and I feel very lonely.

[dontknownuthin]

What you do is understand that this isn't about you right now. He's going through a hellish situation, doesn't feel well and it sounds like he's suffering some sexual side effects of the cancer as well, about which he's probably upset and embarrassed. This is a time when you're not going to get as much from the relationship as you need to put into it - he's in greater need.

Instead of asking how he feels about you, I think you need to just ask him how he feels - in terms of his health, the treatment he's going through, his diagnosis and prognosis, side effects he's suffering. As what you can do to best support him.

This doesn't mean that people get to be bullies to loved ones when they are sick, but to expect he can focus on your relationship under these circumstances is kind of unreasonable.

[Zea]

Keep it together, you must be a great support for him, you just have to be patient for now, because it is him who needs support and help.

It is not all about being intimate, that will prove you love him, but you being there beside him will prove how much you really appreciate him and love him.

[ok2usa]

Yes. I agree it's about helping him time. And all his family is there for him. Very caring family.He says he has everything he needs, and asks me not to worry about stuff. And he has a lot of people to take care of him and I feel like he doesn't need me and I want him to call me and need me. And I feel like I have nobody there for me any more when he is distant like this.

[Zea]

I see, now, where the problem lies.

So you feel lonely, and like he is distant from you, and you think he does not need you as many family members surround him.

I think he loves you, I can't guess from body language right now, but when you asked him if he loves you he said yes, is not this enough? You know some people who undergo cancer treatment are in pain, and maybe that is why he can't bring his attention to silence. If he is in pain tell him to focus on the present time and future.
Obviously, this is my judgment of the situation. It is hard to tell when you don't deal with such matters face to face. But I hope you two get through this obstacle together.

[talaniman]

You need a life that you enjoy without him. I think you expect too much from one who is not in good health, but has a lot of family support. Why would you just be waiting for him to call or need something? Stop that and live your life, or be more a part of him and his family.

[joypulv]

'We have not been intimate for about 5 month because he physically cannot.'

I think you are saying that you have not had sex. Intimacy is a huge wonderful realm of closeness, talking, cuddling, stroking without sexual intent, for comfort, warmth, sleeping, massaging feet and neck, brushing hair, feeding little tidbits, talking about childhood or dreams for the future. No wonder he would rather be with his family. You sound insecure, like you think that lack of sex and lack of attention mean he doesn't care. Being 'needed' takes many forms, and they may not be the ones you want, the ones that make YOU feel good. Respect what he needs from you now.

I had a boyfriend in my 20s who had cancer. We didn't know if he was going to live, and he had little family left and didn't want them to know. So he was stuck with me, and was horribly mean for 18 months of radiation and chemo, and I put up with it. (Not mean yelling or hitting, mean by doing really selfish things, like borrowing my car to go play poker in a snowstorm and parking the car in a tow zone late at night because he was too tired, or abandoning me at the laundromat for hours and no way to get home, or going on dates with other girls). I told him that I would leave him when it was over, and I did. I had to, or I would have been petty and full of recriminations. We have been friends ever since - almost 40 years.

[smkanand]

Right now, just pray that he will survive. Keep the patience. You will have lot of time to fight and get intimate, this is serious situation for him.

[JudyKayTee]

He has received what could be a death sentence. People deal with that news in all sorts of ways. He may just be shutting down emotionally for a period.

It isn't easy being the patient; it isn't easy being the caregiver/support system.

And I agree - intimacy is about far more than sex.

[dontknownuthin]

I think I need to change some of my advise. Now I'm wondering, maybe he needs someone to see him and not his cancer.

Maybe the guy just needs some fun. I would consider asking him, "are you feeling like everyone just sees your cancer? Do you just miss your old life?" And if he does feel that way, you need to be his girlfriend and not another nurse.

Think about what would be fun for him - it doesn't even have to be something you two do together, but something he would find fun, that will help him find his old self again and will serve as a gesture to him that you see him and are thinking about the real him, not just his illness. Or if he's not well enough to go out, maybe go over to his house on a Saturday with some action or comedy movies and his favorite food.

If his upset is about illness related impotence, you might sometimes soon need to talk to him about it and reassure him you're not going anywhere, and you recognize it's just medical and not him. You'll work through it together, not something either of you wanted but you're in it for the long haul. If you're not, don't say it. If you are, he may need to hear it.

I knew a very prominent, strong woman who was very well known so I won't name her here. When she was quite elderly, she got a very disabilitating illness and her friends circled around to take care of her. She was graceful about it, but not herself for a long time. Finally, she got pissed off. She said, "I used to have friends, now I have nurses. To hell with this!" With that, her friends recognized that she didn't want them to fluff her pillow - she wanted them to make the same old off-color jokes, give her a hard time, tell her about work, share their own problems, bring over a funny movie and just still be her friends. She wanted them to stop dancing around the obvious and be how they always used to be.

It's hard to know what your boyfriend needs, but maybe you could open that conversation with him.

[ok2usa]

Wow. Such amazing advices I'm getting here. This help desk is being really helpful. Thank you very much. I liked all the answers!