[lovemywifeps]

My wife and I have been married for seven years. We have two kids together and she has one from a former marriage. Her daughter and I have a wonderful dad/daughter relationship.

A few years ago we started playing volleyball once a week for fun. We would go and play and when it was over at 10 pm we went home to the kids so the babysitter could go home.

Then about a year ago while playing volleyball I hurt my shoulder and can no longer play. She is still going to volleyball night while I stay home with the kids. Now instead of coming home afterward she goes to the bar and maybe stays out till 3 am without letting me know of these plans. She also has become very secretive and distant. Completely opposite of the girl I married. It's hard to carry on a conversation with her as she will turn her attention to a word game or text someone on her smart phone. When I ask her to please put down her phone she tells me I am being "needy". I feel like I need to paste a pic of her face on the back of her phone so I can get to see her pretty face again. She also allows me no access to her phone.

Asking her to come home after volleyball is not up for discussion for her. She says we need to have separate interests and friends, and we do. I love to go hunting and I would never ask her to quit playing volleyball. However, I never go hunting without asking for her permission first. I never stay out past midnight without her, unless it is planned and She OKs it. I rarely go to the bar. When we go out I would say about half our time together is spent with her playing on her phone.

Lately she has suggested separation and divorce, because of my wanting to know what she is up to. Her daughter is 11 and is full of questions about life in general. She usually comes to me to talk about her feeling and emotions. This irritates my wife. However, I do not think it would be right of me not to listen to my step-daughter and help her out in any way I can. I hate putting that "step" in front of daughter. I have always viewed her as my own. I still view my wife as my best friend. I do not in any way want to separate. I have no legal rights to her daughter, so I would be losing her too.

The tension has become very depressing to me and is affecting my work. I want the girl that I married back. What can I do to keep my marriage together?

[joypulv]

Since we aren't there and can only go by what you say, somewhere in the middle of this story you said that she wants a divorce because of you wanting to know what she is up to.
ERGO
The most logical (I know, we are rarely logical, any of us) solution is to stop trying to find out what she is up to! No asking what's on her phone, who she's talking to, what happens after volleyball, or anything. And a subset of that is to stop telling her what you are doing, and asking permission, and getting home before you turn into a pumpkin.
You married a woman who likes a lot of independence. If you love her and your 3 children enough, you give in, and I don't think this is so tough to put into effect.
You do say you work. You don't say if she does, but you have 3 kids under 11, so I suspect she's a housewife mom, a very tough and stifling job for a woman who wishes she had more.
Your title says she stays out all night. Then you say 3 am. There's a difference. Which is it?
Also there rarely is an answer to 'is it OK.' There is no rule book for marriage, with demerits.

Of course it might be too late, but I would write it down as a declaration and present it to her, with a promise that you will devote every second of your time to making sure you don't pester her. I'd leave her daughter out of the discussion for now, unless she brings it up. If she does, ask her to talk to her daughter, because it's better handled that way.

It's possible that under that part is a feeling that she isn't loved and needed, not just by her daughter but also by you. Wanting her time isn't all that love is about. Do you appreciate her? Do you show it, with a sparkle in your eye and a big smooch while she's doing some stupid housework, and tell her what's wonderful about her? It's possible that there is a lot more to this than staying out late.

[JudyKayTee]

- and perhaps looking at the wife as a woman instead of a girl, indicating a child unable to make her own decisions, might make a difference.

I'm an investigator. Any drastic change in behavior can signal something is going on.

Have you asked her?

[lovemywifeps]

Since we aren't there and can only go by what you say, somewhere in the middle of this story you said that she wants a divorce because of you wanting to know what she is up to.
ERGO
The most logical (I know, we are rarely logical, any of us) solution is to stop trying to find out what she is up to! No asking what's on her phone, who she's talking to, what happens after volleyball, or anything. And a subset of that is to stop telling her what you are doing, and asking permission, and getting home before you turn into a pumpkin.
You married a woman who likes a lot of independence. If you love her and your 3 children enough, you give in, and I don't think this is so tough to put into effect.
You do say you work. You don't say if she does, but you have 3 kids under 11, so I suspect she's a housewife mom, a very tough and stifling job for a woman who wishes she had more.
Your title says she stays out all night. Then you say 3 am. There's a difference. Which is it?
Also there rarely is an answer to 'is it OK.' There is no rule book for marriage, with demerits.

Of course it might be too late, but I would write it down as a declaration and present it to her, with a promise that you will devote every second of your time to making sure you don't pester her. I'd leave her daughter out of the discussion for now, unless she brings it up. If she does, ask her to talk to her daughter, because it's better handled that way.

It's possible that under that part is a feeling that she isn't loved and needed, not just by her daughter but also by you. Wanting her time isn't all that love is about. Do you appreciate her? Do you show it, with a sparkle in your eye and a big smooch while she's doing some stupid housework, and tell her what's wonderful about her? It's possible that there is a lot more to this than staying out late.

3am may not be all night, but that only leaves 2 1/2 or 3 hours till the rooster crows. Her coming home at this time also interrupts my sleep. Which wasn't great to start with as I have been up worrying about her. We live in the country so its not like she can walk or take a taxi home from the bar. She doesn't come home drunk, but defiantly had a few. She has a time or two taken time off work to stay out. She is also not much of a housewife. I do better than half the cooking, 90% of the cleaning, 60% of the laundry, and all the yard work. She does do most of the grocery shopping. She is a nurse and works three twelve hour shifts a week. She worked this last weekend and came home mad at me because I didn't get enough laundry done while she was at work. I just ran out of time with getting kids to and from activities. I did fix her snowmobile while she was at work, but she didn't seem to care. She asks what my plans are for each day, and I tell her. That's sometimes tough as I own a HVAC business and I'm not always sure where I will be going till the phone rings. Yet she gets defensive when I ask about her day. If it works out for me to take a lunch I will give her a call, but she almost always already has lunch plans with her friends. Conversation with her has gotten to be tough as she usually turns her attention to her phone about halfway through. I would love to give her a big smooch now and then, but how can I with that phone in front of her face? She agrees we need to spend more time together, but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it.

[odinn7]

Time for counseling... or time to move on. I have to tell you... my first wife did much of what you're talking about here behavior wise. Turns out she was cheating on me. I assume you have considered that this is a possibility.

[lovemywifeps]

Time for counseling...or time to move on. I have to tell you....my first wife did much of what you're talking about here behavior wise. Turns out she was cheating on me. I assume you have considered that this is a possibility.

She asked me to go to counseling. Of which I had already been talking to our pastor about this. Now she is mad at me for talking about us behind her back.

[Homegirl 50]

Staying out until 3 am on a regular basis is a bit bit much. I would be wondering what she is doing too especially with the other things going on... all the texting and wanting a divorce. She may be cheating.
You both need to go to counseling if this marriage is to be saved.

[joypulv]

I was aggressive about you having to change because you want to save the marriage!
But you seem to fight off suggestions and continue to tell anecdotes.

It's key that she wanted counseling. WHEN? You said she wants a divorce. Which is it? Is counseling not an option any more?
Please, again, we aren't there. Try to write to complete strangers. Which is what we are.

[lovemywifeps]

I was just trying to fill in the blanks you had made it apparent I had left. She is back and fourth on counseling and divorce. I was seeing our pastor before she told me I had to go to counseling. She was pissed at me for talking to him without her consent. I have made an appointment with a regular counselor now, but the soonest I could get in isn't for another three weeks. That's why I'm here. Trying to get some help in the meantime. I'm new to this asking for help online. I will answer any question you think is going to help you give me good advice. It doesn't seem right to me to withhold information from her just because she does it to me. Is that what you are telling me to do? She doesn't have a consistent work schedule which kind of forces me to OK my plans with her in case I have to watch the kids. Unfortunately I think this allows her to use me as her personal babysitter.

[Homegirl 50]

Her personal babysitter. They are your kids too. You don't babysitter your own kids. You're there.

[lovemywifeps]

Her personal babysitter. They are your kids too. You don't babysitter your own kids. You're there.

Agreed. That was not the right way to put that. It is just that everything revolves around her schedule. If I want to do something I have to OK it with her first. On the days she works I have to get the kids ready and to school. Then scramble to get my work done in time to pick them up from school. The two younger ones are 4 and 6. Not always the most cooperative to get moving in the morning. On her days off I'm not really allowed to start my day until the kids are ready for school, because if they are not ready in time she is pissed at me for not helping out. If I want to go hunting or fishing that gets voted down because its girls night out or something. Its fun but frustrating to take them with as the younger ones are still at that one on one stage with fishing, so its not very relaxing to do so. She like to fish too and is always invited, but she lets her friends trump over spending time with me. Tonight after getting the kids in bed I wanted to talk to her. Find out what she thought I needed to do to make things better between us. She was way to tired to talk to me, but tomorrow night is volleyball night and she won't have any trouble staying awake to close down the bar afterwards. I just feel like everyone else is higher on her list than me. I think to save this we need to spend some good quality time together, but she seems unwilling to do so.

[Homegirl 50]

You do need couples counseling but if she is unwilling to do that and unwilling to even talk, you need to make some decisions. One thing you might need to do is stop asking her if you "can" do something. Tell her you are going in a fishing trip on "this date" and leave it at that. It is not just up to you to make things better, there are things she needs to do as well. Stop taking all the responsibility for this mess.

[fredg]

If she will not go with you to a counselor, or a marriage counselor, or someone to talk with about these problems, she wants it to be over. This is not normal. Please consider leaving. I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[lovemywifeps]

If she will not go with you to a counselor, or a marriage counselor, or someone to talk with about these problems, she wants it to be over. This is not normal. Please consider leaving. I do wish you the best, and good luck.

If I leave I also leave my oldest daughter as I have no legal rights to her. We have a wonderful father/daughter relationship. Letting her go would mess us both up. I have talked to her a little bit about the problems her mom and I are having. Just enough to make her aware that mom and dad are not getting along very good right now and that I am trying to work it out. I also reassure her that she can come and talk to me if she needs to. I have not told her about her mother wanting a divorce. I don't know just how much to let her know. She obviously does not need to know everything. She will defiantly be needing counseling. It just breaks my heart to put her through this. The two younger kids don't really have a clue what's going on. Them I will at least get to see on a regular basis if all this goes down.

[joypulv]

You still are telling anecdotes. They are complaints mostly. None of it gibes with your 'lovemywife' ID nor your first paragraph about not wanting to break up. So I don't get it. Unless you still think you can go to counseling in 3 weeks and tell all your complaints and the counselor will side with you and tell her to straighten up and fly right. Guess what? It doesn't work that way. First of all, they don't take sides. They merely teach you how to communicate with each other. Second, she is ready to leave you. I think you are grasping at the wrong straws as your ship sinks.

I made my suggestions at the very beginning and stand by them. You (and others here) apparently don't think they are fair, which they aren't. But if you can't get her to agree that she isn't being a good wife and mother, she is going to LEAVE. And I doubt that she is going to agree! DO YOU?

[JudyKayTee]

I think confiding anything to your stepdaughter is a very, very bad idea. This goes to Court and the Court gets wind of that and you'll be lucky to ever even see the child again.

If you need to vent or consult you need to speak to an adult, not a child. And you are right - much more of this and she will definitely need counselling.

I, quite frankly, question your motive.

[Homegirl 50]

You don't need to be discussing your and your wife's relationship with her daughter. That is out of line. Your conversations need to be with your wife, not her daughter and you can always ask your wife if you can see this other daughter along with the other kids.

[lovemywifeps]

So, are you telling me to pretty much just stay out of her life until she walks in the door?
I shouldn't want to know anything that goes on in her life outside of our home?
If she chooses to spend more time with other people than me I am supposed to be OK with that?
Should I not be worried about how she is getting home from the bar in the wee hours of the morning?
Should I treat our relationship more like we are just roommates?
That doesn't feel much like a marriage to me. I got married because I wanted to have a family to come home to. I wanted a companion to spend time with. I wanted someone to talk to about nothing at all. It used to be this way. I don't talk to people in a non-logistical manor very easily, but when we were dating I found it easy to open up to her. We used to talk half the night away about each other or even nothing at all. We could go out for supper and ignore a cell phone if it rang. We didn't let anyone or anything interrupt our time together. We each wanted to spend time with each other. If I do what I think you are telling me it seems to me that I will be giving up the reasons I married her in the first place. That is why I'm reluctant to grasp your advice.

I think confiding anything to your stepdaughter is a very, very bad idea. This goes to Court and the Court gets wind of that and you'll be lucky to ever even see the child again.

If you need to vent or consult you need to speak to an adult, not a child. And you are right - much more of this and she will definitely need counselling.

I, quite frankly, question your motive.

I do not vent to her. I am just making sure she knows that she is loved even if there is tension between her mom and I. I try to come up with answers to her questions without pointing blame on anyone. Some of the answers are tough to come by, but I try. Isn't better that she knows to a certain extent what is going on instead of just guessing at it? Isn't it important that she know that I will listen to her and answer question she may have? This is also far from a daily discussion between us. Maybe once every three weeks at best. If we do divorce is it better for her to be blindsided by it? I don't know. That is why I am asking so I have an answer if she asks.
There is whole lot of other things an eleven year old can come up to talk about, so when I don't have a good non hurtful answer I change the subject.

[JudyKayTee]

You are talking about your hopes and dreams, what was, not what is.

You need to look at what is.

You asked the question but have shrugged off "our" advice. If you want to continue this way, continue on the path you're on.

If you don't, follow "our" advice.

[Homegirl 50]

I do not vent to her. I am just making sure she knows that she is loved even if there is tension between her mom and I. I try to come up with answers to her questions without pointing blame on anyone. Some of the answers are tough to come by, but I try. Isn't better that she knows to a certain extent what is going on instead of just guessing at it? Isn't it important that she know that I will listen to her and answer question she may have? This is also far from a daily discussion between us. Maybe once every three weeks at best. If we do divorce is it better for her to be blindsided by it? I don't know. That is why I am asking so I have an answer if she asks.
There is whole lot of other things an eleven year old can come up to talk about, so when I don't have a good non hurtful answer I change the subject.

It is not your place to have that discussion with her.
Work on your marriage. That is a problem now. Leave the daughter put of it.
Tell your wife you two need to talk and do counseling. Set a time to talk and insist that she set aside that time to do so. If she does not care enough to do that then you need to consider ending your marriage as it seems to me she does not care. Then make arrangement for visitation with all of the children.