[Nurseteresa]

Thank you for reading.

Long story, short version. Met husband 12 years ago... both were social bar fly's. I love to dance and listen music and so did he. As we've aged (40 now) I still love music and dancing and hanging with friends once every few months to dinner and perhaps a lounge place. He no longer does this with his friends. I have 3 kids 4,7,9 and breastfed all of them for a year each. During my 6 years of birthing children and BF, I rarely went out, but my husband did. Now that my kids are a little older, I hang with girlfriends every few months. He is now extremely jealous and thinks I'm out picking up on guys and freaking them. One time 12 years ago when we first met, I drank too much and "freaked" the DJ, along with 3 other drunk ladies and he always points that out as how I act. I used to not handle my liquor very well back before kids but know I never go overboard but somehow he remembers the past and projects it on the our current life. He has always found a problem with my friends. Hates that I go to lunch with my mom once a month and when I went to nursing school from Aug 2010 to May 2012, he constantly was checking up on me, putting trackers on my phone, email, etc. He changes the password on my =Facebook so he can have access to it. When I ask him why he does this, he says because your dishonest.

When he says I'm dishonest he is referring to, when I go out to dinner with girls from nursing school, he'll ask where you going? Dinner to soso with girls... we'll a couple drinks into the dinner, of course we want to keep our night going, so we have more drinks at a lounge or dance club. Yes, we dance with eac other and chat. Innocent fun, nothing ever more. I would never give any other man the time of day anyway but he thinks I'm doing all these bad things. He says "i know what guys do at bars"... what? They don't do it to me. I'm going crazy over this. It's getting worse and worse. He even put our three children in the car at midnight one time to go see if I was a the place I said I would be at. He blacked out the stickers on my minivan so I guess I wouldn't recognize it was mine?

I also work now as a nurse the 7pm to 7am shift. I'm tired all the time and my internal clock is off. He doesn't understand this and gives me crap about day sleeping. We have been in counseling over the last 6 years off and on about the same stuff... I don't do enough (as stay home mom) so I go back to school (now I'm a nurse) and I still don't do enough for him because our sex life sucks (1 every 2 months) sorry I've lost my drive for some reason. I'm not a super affectionate person (grew up that way) hard for me to hug people (unless it's my kids) and he hates that part about me. Now I have a job and I'm still not doing enough because "I'm sleeping all the time" again I work night shift.

I planned this beautiful weekend away to Napa County and have the most amazing time and great intimacy, come home a week later, I go to dinner with the girls from nursing school, then we end up at a lounge where we congregated in a circle and chatted for an hour and then went home. He didn't talk to me for the last week and in counseling yesterday, told me, I'm a lair and I faked our whole intimate weekend. I'm not sure more what I can do besides STOP having a life outside of him. No more going out with friends, mom, sister... please help me.

[JudyKayTee]

If counselling hasn't worked and the two of you can't come to an understanding you have two choices: give up any hope of an outside life or leave him.

Why is he so distrustful?

[Nurseteresa]

I know but I can't imagine divorce and not having my kids around 24/7. I'm not sure why he is so distrustful. I think it relates to me not being lovey dovey all the time and not have regular se*. He has said that, that's how men feel loved, by their wives having sex with them. But last weekend we had amazing *** and he lost it again when I went out with my friends a few days ago. He was cheated on when he was younger. They counselor even asked him has your wife ever give you reason to not trust her and he said no at one point and they another time says, I lie because I don't tell him I'm going to a bar after dinner. I never plan on it, but sometimes it happens.
Does it seem normal for me not to have a social life outside of him? It's not like all my friends and I do is bars, we shop, do coffee too.

Midlife crisis? Cheating on me?

Ohhh... I also just lost 22 pounds... maybe insecure about that?

[JudyKayTee]

There is, unfortunately, no "normal." Maybe your weight loss has him wondering - I'm an investigator and that's very often the first sign of cheating or thinking about cheating.

Or maybe he's just plain paranoid.

If you can't consider divorce then I guess you stay in this situation, because counselling hasn't worked.

So he thinks sex is the key to a successful marriage? You're an adult. What do you think?

[Nurseteresa]

First of all, my goal when I got out of nursing school (because I gained a ton of weight) was to be in the best shape before I turned 40 (June)... so that's what I'm doing. No surprise to him there. I have never cheated on any man in my lifetime... nor do I believe he would. We both have strong family values.

When we go to counseling it's like for 5-7 times and then we quit and then were back in there for something. Our biggest issue is lack of communication and the fact he takes what I say completely out of content (even the counselor called him on it several times when she would say something) it's almost as if he hears something entirely different.

I think he is paranoid. He used to have a substance abuse problem but has since fixed it but since I have started working nights, I have noticed he drinks a lot now... 5-6 week and vodka.

[Nurseteresa]

I think just talking this helps, so thank you for responding. I made an individual appt for both of us to see counselor. I hope this might help find some clarity and perhaps help reach deep within ourselves to find and respect the love we had or have.

[JudyKayTee]

I wasn't questioning your weight loss - I hope you didn't misunderstand me. I was saying what I thought HE might be thinking!

Yes, his behavior might be the alcohol talking.

Do you think now that you've graduated (and congratulations by the way. I so admire women who go back to school!) is he somehow threatened by what he thinks is the new you?

[Nurseteresa]

Yes, maybe he does think that and I work now and that's new and I sleep in daytime and up late at night now because of my work schedule, I think that bugs him. He, by nature, is controlling and perhaps he feels as if he is losing control. As a stay at home mom, I always felt I needed to listen and respect what he said because he made all the money. Now were at a even playing field and I finally have an opinion/voice and I'm not sure he likes it.

Yes, when he goes on his rants and raves, it's usually when he's been drinking. Like last night he started in on me and he had already had like 7 shots, so I shut it down quickly by stating, I won't argue with you anymore when you've been drinking.

I feel physically sick over this. This sucks!! For so long of my marriage he has made me feel as if it's all me and I'm starting to releize, it's not all me. It's both... I hope he see's soon before it's too late.