[Claire redfield]

I had a relationship with a man 12 yeas ago which resulted in two of my three daughters. When my eldest was three years old the relationship ended. Initially I tried very hard for them to maintain contact with their father (through his mother as he said if he couldn't have us all he didn't want any of us and he refused to provide any financial support) however the contact became turbulent and irregular and was having a bad effect on my girls. Despite my pleading for them to have regular and reliable contact the problems continued and so I put a stop to it. No effort was ever made by him or his family. At the time I was also fostering three of HIS neices who has been removed from their mother and still nothing. I was 24 alone with 5 kids three of which weren't even mine.
A few months later I decided to move back home (abroad) where my family were. My neices had moved on and it was best for my children and I to be back home with family,

I got in contact with his mother and told her my plans. He had been to my parents home abroad in the past. I gave her the address and a telephone number and if he had ver wanted to make contact he could have done so within 24 hours because friends of his are in contact with friends of mine.

Anyway it's now been 9 years since we laid eyes on him or heard from... He has never made contact in anyway. Since then I have met and married my lovely husband who looks after us all and loves why girls as though he were their father. We have also had another daughter.

My eldest daughter is now 11, a few months ago she started asking questions about her bio father... I tried to be as honest as possible and answer her questions the best of my ability. She expressed a desire to meet him and I told her when she is 18 I will help her find him.

Last night she started asking about him again.. She was upset and wanted to know if I could help her find him at 16 instead.

I fear that she is too young to understand the complexities of the situation. His family were such a negative force (though his mum was lovely). He has never made any effort, last I heard he was unemployed and basically living a loafers life, benefits, cannabis etc not the kind of father I want my daughter to meet I worry that he will try to manipulate her fragile mind or be the same unreliable father he was back then...

(I should add that he had a son when I met him and he had very little contact with him and made very little effort wth him, in fact I would be the one pushing for him to see his son... I was 19 when I met him and he was 10 yeas older than me)

I don't know if I should get in touch with him or get some friends to find out what he's up to In His life and if the last 9 years have made any difference.

Obviously my other worry is my other daughter has not expressed similar desires at all... She was only 2 when we split up so has less memories I suppose. But obviously what affects one will affect the other.

I don't want my children to be hurt by him and I tried so hard to protect them but now what...

My eldest also wans to meet her brother who is now 19 however he lived with his mum who didn't really like me so god knows what he has been brought up to believe... He was a lovely boy and when he stayed with us back then I spent more time with him than his dad did... But again the relationship between his mum and my ex was complicated and I don't know if they ever resumed contact

Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated.

[joypulv]

I would tell her that you think 16 will be old enough to try. It's not etched in stone anyway, and can be re-evaluated as you go. It's important I think to include her a little bit in the decision, and to assure her that you aren't deliberately hiding anything or preventing contact. Think of a very short sentence that sums up what kind of father he was that isn't too damaging but is also honest, such as 'he had problems keeping jobs and staying in one place and loving his family.' If she asks questions, answer them as best you can. There's no right or wrong here, and what makes you feel comfortable is probably most right.
I wouldn't worry about the effect this will all have on the younger one. There's no percentage in thinking that putting a lid on all this will save one child from disappointment when it might also open a Pandora's box with the other.
Many children are actually attracted to the idea of a mean, useless father because they think that once they meet, he will fall in love and magically transform. Just about anything can make him seem mysterious and wonderful. So it's going to be an art doing this, and no matter how good you are at it, she might take off to look for him when she's old enough anyway. You do your best and that's all you can do.

[JudyKayTee]

I see a two headed sword here - he was good enough for you to have sex with but not good enough to father "your" children. I don't think that's something you want to share with your children.

I'm a believer in, "He didn't leave you. He left me. He didn't stop loving you. He stopped loving me. Then it all got very complicated. I will explain more when you are older." And then do just that.

[talaniman]

16 is a good age for her to know the truth and you will be there to guide her, no matter how it turns out. That's five years to do your homework.

[ScottGem]

First, I'm going to say some things you probably won't like. If he refused to pay support that is partially your fault. I suspect you didn't go to court to get a child support order. That was your fault. I also have a problem with your saying you put a stop to contact. He could choose not to contact them, that was his choice. But you should not have cut off contact.

As for your daughter wanting contact. You explain to her that her father made some choices that you didn't agree with (this is where you cutting off contact makes you look bad, If you hadn't you could say it was totally his choice).

If she wants to establish contact, you need to help her NOW. There is no reason for you or her to wait. If she is old enough to ask these questions then she is old enough to deal with them.