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Paulo · Mar 18, 2007, 08:52 PM

My last girlfriend and I were together for only 8 months. She was very sweet but then went to abroad for almost a month returned quite different. She mentioned she was going to see her ex boyfriend there also but assured me nothing would happen. While we were together she reiterated that she trusted me but often became jealous and then critical of me and then would apologize for acting in such a way. I tolerated this behavior because most of the time I really enjoyed her company.
The week after she returned she informed me that she no longer liked dogs (I have a dog), didn't like my car, hated my hair cut, didn't like how I worked out, basically she acted like she didn't like me. I was ready to dump her but waited to see if she would snap out of it because she said she needed time to readjust. One night the next week we were talking and she "felt" like she couldn't trust me because I didn't dicuss with her if it was okay to tell my former and her current work friends we were together?? said things felt weird and said she wanted to break up and I said okay.
She contacted me the next day wanting to know if we could go on a trip as friends, I said no and that it's better for me to make a clean break and I wanted my things back, she hung up on me. A few days later she called and said she wanted to meet in a public place to give back my things and not to contact her or come by her place and hung up on me. The next day she called and said she was at a local restaurant with my things and that she would throw them away if I didn't show up, I was out of town and asked her not to. Ultimately I met her at her place where she cursed me and tossed my things at me.

I don't understand her behavior at all and sent her an email stating that she acted poorly especially since she dumped me. She hasn't replied. I haven't tried to contact her again because I don't want the girl that came back. I want to learn from this what's going on here?

kp2171 · Mar 18, 2007, 09:02 PM

Don't know why she came back so different. Could be the guy. Could just be time away made her think. Distance can do that.

No matter. She's decided shed rather not be tied down, or at least tied to you. She's finding ways to make the break easier by looking, or inventing, reasons to not like you. Its easier to walk away from someone you don't like, right? So... if she decides there's all these things wrong with you, its easier for her to walk away without feeling guilty.

Short answer is she's acting immaturely. You deserve to be treated better. Expect more. Demand more. And don't waste more time on her.

Not to mention, its probably driving her crazy that you've kept your cool. You go nuts and she will have a self esteem boost and yet another reason to tell herself she did the right thing.

tinsign · Mar 18, 2007, 09:03 PM

Well I can tell you and most likely I am dead on this one... Apparently she met someone new.. She took the cowards way out of breaking up with you (be glad she's gone)
Sorry but this woman is so stuck on herself it is funny... to bad you already sent your last mail cause here's what you could have said...
I see you resent anything that has to with me.. well missy you sure did mess up, because as far as I am concerned as of now.. I DON'T GIVE A RATS BEHIND WHAT YOU THINK OF ME.. I do hope you find some guy who will put up with your childish immature behavior. My heart goes out to that man as he don't know what he is in for.

chuff · Mar 18, 2007, 09:19 PM

She's a b!tch.

First let me say, your wise to learn something from the situation. It's learning from the situation that makes you not repeat and look out for it in the future. What I would take from this that when she your around someone their actions need to match their words. If she says she likes dogs but you hear her making fun of them then you go with her actions and not her words. Words and actions must be consistent or she isn't worthy of your time.

Also if someone is trying to control your actions through emotional games then you need to let her go as soon as possible because it will escalulate like your situation did.

missk · Mar 18, 2007, 09:25 PM

Originally Posted by kp2171

dont know why she came back so different. could be the guy. could just be time away made her think. distance can do that.

no matter. shes decided shed rather not be tied down, or at least tied to you. shes finding ways to make the break easier by looking, or inventing, reasons to not like you. its easier to walk away from someone you dont like, right? so... if she decides theres all these things wrong with you, its easier for her to walk away without feeling guilty.

short answer is shes acting immaturely. you deserve to be treated better. expect more. demand more. and dont waste more time on her.

not to mention, its probably driving her crazy that youve kept your cool. you go nuts and she will have a self esteem boost and yet another reason to tell herself she did the right thing.

This is so true

vlee · Mar 18, 2007, 09:50 PM

Forget her. She doesn't make sense, and she seems to have a need for getting the last word (hanging up on you, giving ultimatums... ) There are plenty of fish in the sea. Be glad this one jumped deck, and if she comes back for more throw her overboard.

Skell · Mar 18, 2007, 09:58 PM

Be glad you got your stuff back and be happy that you handled this well. I know with my temper she would have copped a mouthful from me. And I wouldn't have been too keen on her heading off you see her ex boyfriend either. What was the go there? And the way she acted all jealous about you is probably a big indicator that it was more than just a friendly cup of coffee with the ex. Who leaves the country to go and see an ex? Must have been some friendly break up.

The best lesson you can learn from this is that she wasn't worth and it is pointless looking for answers to her behavior.

In future go slow and keep your eyes and ears open. I think there were some telling signs there all along that this girl would carry on the way she has.
Don't accept a jealous and controlling partner like her in the future. Stand up for yourself and don't be dictated to by anyone.

talaniman · Mar 19, 2007, 07:37 AM

I tolerated this behavior because most of the time I really enjoyed her company.

I don't care how fun she is, you don't have to tolerate bad behavior directed at you. Celebrate that she is out of your life.

kp2171 · Mar 19, 2007, 08:56 AM

"I tolerated this behavior because most of the time I really enjoyed her company"

Yeah, I missed this line the first time around.

There's no disrespect in understanding what you are willing to tolerate. We all make some kind of concessions when in a relationship. We structure more "free time" toward the other person, and perhaps temper ourselves for them as well. Sometimes little changes, sometimes big. Our choices.

So it was worth putting up with some small noise now and then before. Now the drama is just stupid and you are done. What to learn? Well... I imagine you'll be less tolerant of someone who acts like her in the beginning. Having a partner who demands more of you can be a great, powerful thing. My wife has standards she expects met concerning finances, care of our son, and respecting our relationship. I'm a better guy because of it.

But, as you know now, noise just for the same of making noise might be a warning sign for you next time. Best case scenario is it might be a person who is somewhat immature and struggling with what a relationship means. Worst case is this person lives happily by tearing others down. It happens. Not pretty.

So... you walk away from this knowing you have a higher standard for a relationship than before. The other person better be more grounded, or they'd better be worth the grief again. I dated a girl, whom I came to love over a 2 year period, who I knew had some relationship issues. As is she was fantastic, and sexy, and fun, but she entered the relationship knowing she really wasn't looking for a long term thing.

It might have ended up being more serious than we planned, but when it fell apart because she pulled back and ultimately cheated, well I wasn't completely shocked. Hurt and mad, yes. But I couldn't tell anybody that I didn't see the possibility of what happened.

So you need to learn like I did and decide what to do next time... for me, I knew I was ready for another level of commitment and nothing less would satisfy me, at least long term. So I filtered my relationships more carefully.

You get to decide what you are going to do. Sometimes you decide living with the drama is worth it. You might get to be with some fun people that teach you things about living and loving. But if you choose to be with someone who habitually puts you down and then apologizes, I think you'll have missed a good lesson.

She's angry and unsure and has low self esteem. Might have been worth the time at one time. Not anymore. Let her go tear someone else down. You get to move on to a better place, even though it sucks for now.

Just means you are one step closer to a great relationship.

Paulo · Mar 19, 2007, 11:14 AM

Originally Posted by Paulo

My last girlfriend and I were together for only 8 months. She was very sweet but then went to abroad for almost a month returned quite different. She mentioned she was going to see her ex boyfriend there also but assured me nothing would happen. While we were together she reiterated that she trusted me but often became jealous and then critical of me and then would apologize for acting in such a way. I tolerated this behavior because most of the time I really enjoyed her company.
The week after she returned she informed me that she no longer liked dogs (I have a dog), didn't like my car, hated my hair cut, didn't like how I worked out, basically she acted like she didn't like me. I was ready to dump her but waited to see if she would snap out of it because she said she needed time to readjust. One night the next week we were talking and she "felt" like she couldn't trust me because I didn't dicuss with her if it was okay to tell my former and her current work friends we were together??, said things felt weird and said she wanted to break up and I said okay.
She contacted me the next day wanting to know if we could go on a trip as friends, I said no and that it's better for me to make a clean break and I wanted my things back, she hung up on me. A few days later she called and said she wanted to meet in a public place to give back my things and not to contact her or come by her place and hung up on me. The next day she called and said she was at a local restaurant with my things and that she would throw them away if I didn't show up, I was out of town and asked her not to. Ultimately I met her at her place where she cursed me and tossed my things at me.

I don't understand her behavior at all and sent her an email stating that she acted poorly especially since she dumped me. She hasn't replied. I haven't tried to contact her again because I don't want the girl that came back. I want to learn from this what's going on here?

I think most of these answers are accurate, thanks. kp2171, I can appreciate the comment about the other's demands making one a better person.

JohnFranco · Mar 19, 2007, 11:59 AM

Don't give her any more of your time, Paulo. I had an ex who acted nearly identical. Girls like these are the few splendors of being codepedent.

2ndTime · Oct 26, 2009, 11:17 PM

Stop going after the psycho girl. She clearly has an issue. When I was going to college, one of my classmate told me a story where he got a felony because of a psycho girl. He tried to break up a relationship because of her behavior and she said she just wanted to talk. So he let her into his home, but instead of just talking she went crazy and broke glass dinning table and cut herself. Then she told the cops that he cut her. Lose the mad woman.