[crys32]

Me and my boyfriend has been together almost a year now he is 39 and I'm 32, I love having sex but he is not so into it. When we do he has to watch porn before we have sex and its got me thinking I'm not good enough for him! I asked him why and he tells me its not me! He said he used to love having sex but after being rejected by his ex-wife so many times he has learned to do with out! We should still be very intimate this early on in our relationship! I wish I knew what was wrong? Is it me?


Threads merged

[Wondergirl]

No, it has nothing to do with you.

Also, you two, or he by himself, may want to go to a counselor for a few sessions to work out the kinks in his feelings about his ex-wife and sex. He reminds me of my cats who hear the cat food can being opened and come running into the kitchen -- operant conditioning, it's called. In a similar way, your husband would probably just look at his wife and was conditioned to turn off his sex drive. Now he has to be conditioned to turn it back on.

[CravenMorhead]

Not you. Not at all.

For a while with my Ex-Wife, and one of my ex-girlfriends it was like that. Every time I got randy I would be denied. I didn't like that so I just stopped initiating. You hit a dog with a newspaper enough times and they will stop. The interesting thing is, that they both complained about a lack of intimacy and sex.

It is hard to get over that, it is very much a learned response.

It is worrisome that he needs porn to get into the mood. I think that it has become a learned response. So the only way he can get an erection is through porn. It is an odd but not unheard of.

It might be worth it for him to go counselling to figure this response out.

[backpack2389]

The fact that he needs porn to have sex is not normal, but it's not a problem with you. It's a problem with him and the hang-ups he developed about sex during his relationship with his ex-wife. Agreed that some kind of counseling or therapy is needed to remove his dependence on porn for arousal.

If he's unwilling to seek outside help, which could very well be as he may not think he has a problem or he might just be embarrassed about getting counseling, working on it at home is an option. Perhaps slowly reducing the amount of porn that he watches before sex each time you have it. If he watches 5 minutes, try 4 minutes 30 secs for a while, then 4 minutes, etc. Or maybe leave the porn on, but have him try to gradually increase the amount of focus he gives you so that eventually he'll be completely focused on sex with you and the porn will just be in the background.

[dontknownuthin]

This is about him and his prior relationship and has nothing to do with you, but he's dragging it into your relationship and your life. I would ask him to go for counseling to deal with this. If he won't, end the relationship.

[smoothy]

Something nobody has mentioned... he's 39, not 19... when is that last time he's been to a doctor and had a complete physical... its highly likely and even probible there is somethiing else medically going on neither of you is aware of yet.

Like something that is beginning to manifest itself in Erectile Dysfunction...

And all the additional stimulation is doing is masking the real problem for the time being.

It can be undiagnosed diabetis... high blood pressure or a number of things... which if this is the case... its going to progress to the point he can't get it up at all... or worse... end up in the hospital or dead.

First thing in order is a full checkout by a doctor at this age to make sure nothing serious is wrong.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, complete exam, I had issue a few years ago, I did not want go doctor,
Turned out serious prostrate issue,
Lack of sex ability is sign many issue

Many men when they start having a problem, will try to blame a partner, or some other issue and not accept they have a problem.

So is it that he can not get or maintain an erection without the porn ? Or he will not try

[crys32]

Thank You everyone for your opinions and input all of it was very helpful! Come to find out it was due to stress and he proved it wasn't me! We no longer have to watch porn to have sex! I guess he was trying to spice things up! Thanks everyone!!

[crys32]

Hello, its me again my boyfriend don't seem that into me anymore! We have almost been together a year but he used to compliment me all the time that I was so pretty and I would catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye! He used to smile and make sexy gestures. But now he don't compliment me or anything now I feel like I'm ugly! Can anybody please tell me why he's doing this? Am I getting old to him? Is He wanting somebody new? HELP!

[Homegirl 50]

Why don't you ask him. Maybe the newness has worn off. Do you need him to compliment you every day?

[LasVegasBabe]

Well I can't exactly answer why he is doing this action, or if he is wanting somebody new cause depending on your age, like if your in high school; this is really natural for a boy in high school. Expeshally if you guys have been dating for almost a year. Guys at this age can not be mature at all at this age. Now if your like collage or over than I have no idea.

I would be willing to talk with him about it; but trying not to make it selfish. For example saying "Hey ive been noticing some strange actions with you lately" and NOT "Hey why are you complimenting me anymore?!" and I'm sure he will reply something like "what actions???" haha. When and if he says that, again you don't want to be selfish, so say something like "Well ive been noticing a little bit of you not smiling anymore and not making those sexy gestures haha. is everything ok?"
I hope this helped. =)

[crys32]

Well i can't exactly answer why he is doing this action, or if he is wanting somebody new cause depending on your age, like if your in high school; this is really natural for a boy in high school. Expeshally if you guys have been dating for almost a year. Guys at this age can not be mature at all at this age. Now if your like collage or over than i have no idea.

I would be willing to talk with him about it; but trying not to make it selfish. For example saying "Hey ive been noticing some strange actions with you lately" and NOT "Hey why are you complimenting me anymore?!" and im sure he will reply something like "what actions???" haha. When and if he says that, again you don't wanna be selfish, so say something like "Well ive been noticing a little bit of you not smiling anymore and not making those sexy gestures haha. is everything ok?"
I hope this helped. =)

Thank you for the suggestions yea he is almost 40 and I'm 32 but I guess the newness wore off but I think everything wiell be OK! Ha ha

[crys32]

I am 32 my boyfriend is almost 40, my boyfriend told me he don't care to have sex again that he is not making it a point in our relationship! I am 32 and I'm at an age I do want sex more than usual but asking for sex at least once a week to me is not too much! Its like he don't care for my needs and he don't realsly believe in making love he said sex is sex! I need help on what I can do to make him more sexually involved, I'm a very attractive person its not like he don't want it because I'm ugly! Please help!

Threads merged

[odinn7]

Maybe there is something wrong with him and he just is trying not to admit it? You need to talk to him about this and if he won't talk, then you need to decide how important sex is to you.

My guess is he is having some sort of ED issues but is worried and ashamed to admit it. I could be wrong but that's probably it.

You two need to discuss this calmly.

[CravenMorhead]

There is an issue that needs to be brought out in the light, as Odinn7 has mentioned. It needs to be talked about.

Also might be a good time to re-evaluate this relationship. Are you getting all that you can from it? Is this trend acceptable for the next 40 years? Will you be happy? Will this frustrate you to drastic action?

Problems like these don't tend to get better unless the person wants it to get better. If he's not wanting it, than it might not happen. Sorry to say.

As well there is no shame in ending a relationship because your sex-life wasn't up to snuff. It is perfectly valid because physical intimacy is a major tenant of a functional relationship. If one person's expectation is significantly different that the other's than it will be sore point that could possibly lead to the end of the relationship.

Do you know why de doesn't want sex? Is it an exhaustion or stress thing? Is it health related?

Good luck.

[crys32]

There is an issue that needs to be brought out in the light, as Odinn7 has mentioned. It needs to be talked about.

Also might be a good time to re-evaluate this relationship. Are you getting all that you can from it? Is this trend acceptable for the next 40 years? Will you be happy? Will this frustrate you to drastic action?

Problems like these don't tend to get better unless the person wants it to get better. If he's not wanting it, than it might not happen. Sorry to say.

As well there is no shame in ending a relationship because your sex-life wasn't up to snuff. It is perfectly valid because physical intimacy is a major tenant of a functional relationship. If one person's expectation is significantly different that the other's than it will be sore point that could possibly lead to the end of the relationship.

Do you know why de doesn't want sex? Is it an exhaustion or stress thing? Is it health related?

Good luck.

He says its not an issue with him that he don't care if he has sex again with me or anybody else!

[odinn7]

He says its not an issue with him that he dont care if he has sex again with me or anybody else!

Then it looks like you're going to have to do what Craven suggested... You need to re-evaluate your relationship and decide if it's what you really want. I have been told that sex isn't everything and while I have to agree to a point, I also say that sex is something and does matter so I do understand your frustration here.

[crys32]

Then it looks like you're going to have to do what Craven suggested....You need to re-evaluate your relationship and decide if it's what you really want. I have been told that sex isn't everything and while I have to agree to a point, I also say that sex is something and does matter so I do understand your frustration here.

Yes I guess because I'm in my early 30s I am at my prime! He makes me think sex isn't a thing for him his ex-wife used to reject him every time he wanted sex and he says he has learned not to want it and that he would never go through that again he says he's used to being rejected to someone who is willing to give it up anytime of the day wich is me! I just don't know how to make him want it more? I need to re-evaluate our relationship I love him so much but he says I'm just a sex adddict like he was when he was 30, I wish I knew how to make him want me more!

Maybe there is something wrong with him and he just is trying not to admit it? You need to talk to him about this and if he won't talk, then you need to decide how important sex is to you.

My guess is he is having some sort of ED issues but is worried and ashamed to admit it. I could be wrong but that's probably it.

You two need to discuss this calmly.

I tried talking to him but he got mad he said it was him not me but he thinks I'm a sex addict but I don't ask for but maybe once a week!

Threads merged

[talaniman]

After merging your posts and reading them together its fairly obvious that you both are clumsy in the intimacy department and lack a real communications. That a terrible combination when you both have your own personal issues to be addressed. The issues you both have are what distract you from paying attention to, and understanding each other enough to deal with each other on a deeper level.

When the minds meet the bodies will follow, so recognize the root cause of both your problems is your minds are on different pages. Hell, you can't even talk about it without one or the other feeling pressed and getting defensive.

Don't believe me? Then forget the sex part for 6 weeks, and take an honest look at the other areas of the relationship. I bet it's a mess, and has many problems. You cannot help each other grow together unless you can talk, and listen. If you can't, oh well it was a fun experiment while it lasted.

If you can't work together, then work apart. A year is not a lifetime, not even close, but its enough time for the lust to fade and the work to start. Love will either grow through those efforts, or NOT! Figure out the level of commitment or why waste time?