[calmmustang]

I want to get help(hopefully by reading books about it) but do not know where to start, so ill start at my beginning.
I was born with a cleft lip and have been teased about (not alot) all my life by my brothers.
I am home schooled and know a lot about things I like (raising animals, growing plants, cooking, ect) but never had any 'friends' even when my brothers friends came to my house they would ignore me.
When I was really little I got lost at a fair and some strangers found me and me and I rode on the guys shoulders looking for my parents until we found them, I thought it was fun at the time, then I heard my mom talking to a friend later that month and the friend was saying how lucky I am that I didn't get kid napped and stuff, that really scared me and after that I have allwas been uneasy of strangers.
Then my dad started getting really abusive, yelling, swearing, hitting, really angry sometimes.
I then started getting CRAZY dreams, people I know beating me up for no reason,getting in car crashes, people getting creepy, then I got some dreams and I didn't know weather they where real or not (that's how real they were)

Today I am so scared of people if I see someone I know coming at me at a store I could run and hide, I feel like I'm having a panic attack.
I have a lot of trouble looking and speaking to people
I just feel really scared in public, even going outside I'm looking over my shoulders every two seconds to make sure no one is following me.


I am a wreck and I disappoint my family everyday, still don't have any friends and no one understands why I am the way I am, I hear people saying things all the time like 'Shes doesn't tell me anything', or 'your the quietest person I have ever met' things like that, it really bothers my because when I talk... nothing comes out, its like I can't talk, I'm scared ill get beaten up or they will judge me for what I say, other times I feel like I'm not worth taking up there time by speaking. I feel like a waste.
I have no one to talk to and want to get help but don't really want my family to know...

A few weeks ago a saw a show on social anxiety disorder and the light went on, I felt like I had ever symptom they where talking about.

My parents are divorced and I am so scared of my dad (never see or talk to him)
I am suicidal, self harming and feel so lost and worthless.

But would like to get better, anything you could recommend?

[Wondergirl]

Start seeing a counselor.

Was your cleft lip repaired when you were an infant?

How old are you now?

[calmmustang]

Start seeing a counselor.

Was your cleft lip repaired when you were an infant?

How old are you now?

I can't, I'm to nervous of what my family will think of me if they know I have problems

Yes, the cleft is repaired after 8 surgeries, and still one to go.

I am 16 and living with my mom and brothers

[Wondergirl]

i can't, im to nervous of what my family will think of me if they know i have problems

You think they haven't figure this out yet?

[calmmustang]

No they just think I'm shy, I really try not to show my weakness, and never talk about it

[Wondergirl]

no they just think im shy, i really try not to show my weakness, and never talk about it

Then get help for your "shyness."

[calmmustang]

Then get help for your "shyness."

Can you recommend any books or anything?

[Wondergirl]

Reading isn't good enough. You have to practice it and have a person to be accountable to.

Do you live near a public library or can get to one?