[troubled923]

I misspoke. Of course, this has to do with your wife. She is your partner and anything that affects you affects her. But, I still don't understand why she is so upset. You did not betray her, you were not responsible for being unaware of this child. She does not have to embrace this woman, nor bring her into the family unit, unless you insist on it. Whether you decide to maintain a relationship with her is up to you and, as long as it doesn't affect your family unit, should not be of major concern to her.

I have long been deadset against adoptees imposing on their birth families. In my opinion one's parents are the people that raised you. A biological connection doesn't a parent make. While I believe adoptees are entitled to a medical history, that is all they are entitled to. Adoptees should not be allowed to contact birth parents unless there is mutual agreement.

I believe you have nothing to feel guilty or shame about. I believe the fact that you do makes you a good person, but it is not necessary. You knew nothing of the pregnancy. I believe you that, had you known, you would have done the "right thing". But you didn't know and through no fault of your own. So I think you should stop beating yourself up about that.

I would contact this woman and offer to give her a medical history, but explain to her that is all your are willing to do and she is not to contact you again. Had she done the right thing and contacted you through a third party, giving you a chance to decide what you wanted to do, it might be different. But she set herself up for disappointment by taking the action she took. That's on her, not you.

Legally, you have no responsibility towards her at all. Ethically I don't believe you owe her anything more than a medical history. Morally, well that's up to you. For me, I would not feel any responsibility or remorse for cutting her off.

I do have to mention one kicker in this. You don't say whether you have children. If you do, then I think you do have an obligation to let them know they have a half sister and for them to choose whether they want to maintain some level of contact.

I agree they need to know but I have to admit this is not something I want to do. However, I do not think I will present this child as a half sister. She may be a blood relation and that will have to be proven before I speak to my children, but I know now that I cannot elevate her to the level of family member. I cannot do this - regardless of my wife's feelings important as they are, I am sure I would feel the same way.

I have given her medical information and never even thought of denying her that, she asked I answered no proof required first. Morally I may owe her the time to listen to her story - I think that counseling is the answer. There are a lot of people to consider and I want to do the least damage.

Thank you for your input. You have been helpful

[ScottGem]

. I see another has advised to tell my children of the child - that will be a killer - do you agree? We will clearly need help with formulating the appropriate wording/approach and insight to the typical responses so we can be prepared to do our best.

No I don't think that will be a killer, unless your children are very young. If they are in their teens they should be able to take this in stride. You tell them, you knew someone when you were a young adult before you knew their mother. Tell them that this woman decided, for reasons you do not know, not to let you know about the child.

[troubled923]

No I don't think that will be a killer, unless your children are very young. If they are in their teens they should be able to take this in stride. You tell them, you knew someone when you were a young adult before you knew their mother. Tell them that this woman decided, for reasons you do not know, not to let you know about the child.

Yeah... I don't want to see the disappointment in their eyes. It will be the worst day in my life... I have been their hero, it is hard to fall short... I know we will always have what we have now, they are good kids... they deserve better, I am just going to have to find a way to make this situation into a means to do better.

[J_9]

You can choose not to tell them and risk them finding out by a third party. If you think they will be disappointed in you know, just wait to find out how disappointed in you they will be when they learn that their father hid the truth from them.

If they are good, smart kids they will respect you for telling the truth and owning up to your mistakes and past indiscretions.

[ScottGem]

Yeah ... I don't want to see the disappointment in their eyes. It will be the worst day in my life ... I have been their hero, it is hard to fall short ... I know we will always have what we have now, they are good kids ... they deserve better, I am just going to have to find a way to make this situation into a means to do better.

Huh? Why should they be disappointed in you? Do you think they think you were a virgin when you married their mother? You keep forgetting you only had a small part in making this situation (you had sex with the mother). From there, everything else was taken out of your hands. You didn't choose to not be a father to this woman. And, if they are good kids (and old enough), they will judge you by how you deal with the situation now, not how the situation came to being.

[troubled923]

You can choose not to tell them and risk them finding out by a third party. If you think they will be disappointed in you know, just wait to find out how disappointed in you they will be when they learn that their father hid the truth from them.

If they are good, smart kids they will respect you for telling the truth and owning up to your mistakes and past indiscretions.

You are right - they need to hear this from me. I always say I want honesty from them and we can deal with whatever comes our way. Time to follow my own advice and stick to my standards

Huh?? Why should they be disappointed in you? Do you think they think you were a virgin when you married their mother? You keep forgetting you only had a small part in making this situation (you had sex with the mother). From there, everything else was taken out of your hands. You didn't choose to not be a father to this woman. And, if they are good kids (and old enough), they will judge you by how you deal with the situation now, not how the situation came to being.

They are good kids, things will be fine - hopfully it will be one of those lessons learned things and they will be better people because they learn from my mistakes and the example I set in the here and now

[JudyKayTee]

I continue to be concerned with what I see as avoidance. The wife doesn't want an illegitimate stepchild. The "child" "will not be presented as a half sister. She may be a blood relation and that will have to be proven .... but I know now that I cannot elevate her to the level of family member. I cannot do this - regardless of my wife's feelings important as they are, I am sure I would feel the same way." The "child" is blood, like it or not - and "elevated" to family status?

Agreed that the "child's" approach appears to have been thoughtless, but no one has heard her story.

I don't think I would have respect for someone who, upon learning he has a child, his rights were denied, he had no knowledge of the child, is now driven to deny, ignore or disown that child who, through no fault of her own, finds herself in this situation. I just feel that ignoring a person who reached out, however inappropriately, because the truth would upset the wife, the other children, the neighbors, is likewise irresponsible and heartless. I would be so busy fuming at anyone/everyone who had part in the deception that I'd have little time and energy to be angry with the child.

And if the wife would have walked away upon hearing that there was an out-of-wedlock child (and I realize the OP was not aware of the child's existence) I wonder what will happen if one of her children fails to live up to her standards.

Sad all the way around.

[cdad]

I continue to be concerned with what I see as avoidance. The wife doesn't want an illegitimate stepchild. The "child" "will not be presented as a half sister. She may be a blood relation and that will have to be proven .... but I know now that I cannot elevate her to the level of family member. I cannot do this - regardless of my wife's feelings important as they are, I am sure I would feel the same way." The "child" is blood, like it or not - and "elevated" to family status?

Agreed that the "child's" approach appears to have been thoughtless, but no one has heard her story.

I don't think I would have respect for someone who, upon learning he has a child, his rights were denied, he had no knowledge of the child, is now driven to deny, ignore or disown that child who, through no fault of her own, finds herself in this situation. I just feel that ignoring a person who reached out, however inappropriately, because the truth would upset the wife, the other children, the neighbors, is likewise irresponsible and heartless. I would be so busy fuming at anyone/everyone who had part in the deception that I'd have little time and energy to be angry with the child.

And if the wife would have walked away upon hearing that there was an out-of-wedlock child (and I realize the OP was not aware of the child's existence) I wonder what will happen if one of her children fails to live up to her standards.

Sad all the way around.

Out of greenies. SO you hve to settle with one of these. Greenie

[troubled923]

First of all thank you for your input.

I am sorry you have no respect for me and even less for my wife.

Yes there is avoidance here. Our life was perfectly fine without knowledge of this child and I think that is the way it should have stayed. I have no emotional connection to the child. I was not much more than a sperm donor. Legal standing as a father was taken long ago and given to another. And by the child's own statement she has loving parents and that is good.

Shared genetic will not make this child a member of my family. She has a family, a loving family. She has shared experiences with them, they laid the foundation for her as they saw fit. She has lead her life based on that foundation and she is past the formative years. I do not want a second family and she is not a part of the family I have.

I have heard all I care to hear of her story - she grew up in a city, she lives in a town, she went to college she has a job and a husband and a child of her own.

The child exists - she is not mine - she is someone else's. Her birth mother saw to that. I have no legal standing and rights were severed long ago. When rights are severed so are obligations. I never challenged her assertion and provided medical history. I determined she has no medical issues currently that may require consideration - if she needed something like say bone marrow or a kidney I would not deny her help because that is something she could not get from her family.

If I am less respectable because I chose my wife and family over a stranger - so be it.

If I chose not to be proud of this event in my life and want a course that keeps this private that is my choice. If I am angered because of the way this unfolded - I can only say I am human. The fact that I want to address this within my family on my terms does not seem unreasonable.

The child chose to come bargring in like a bull in a china cabinet. The child chose to contact me rather than use the more appropriate contact method. Perhaps had I been contacted by a professional, given time to think things through, determine boundaries things might have gone better. I am not angry with the child because she exists - I am angry with her approach. She has needs, but she considered no one else's needs. Her needs are not more important.

I think you have miss interpreted my reference to my wife walking on by and I think you know you have. Taking on a step daughter in a relationship takes so doing - more responsibility that she would have been interested in. If she walked into that situation without consideration and being honest with herself she would have been a fool. And if now she does not want to share her husband with another family and does not want to incorporate that child into her family that is something I have to consider.

Having exacting standards that emphasises doing one's best is not a bad thing. My wife expects a lot of her self as well as of our children and she gives of herself to help them succeed. We hope our standards will help our children avoid making mistakes and that we have provided a foundation that allows for growth from mistakes.

I don't know why you feel the need to be so mean spirited. And I wish you had offered some realistic suggestions that would explain what an adopted child is looking for when she says she needs to be completed by a stranger and how one goes about meeting that need while retaining their life.

It is easy to say I am not worthy of your respect - I don't hear any suggestion of a couse of action that might be more respectable.

[dontknownuthin]

So, what is your question really? You say this is an adult daughter who was adopted and raised by someone else. You've conferred upon her the status of a nobody in your life. That's your decision. You want us to tell you it's OK to reject her. Well, you can if you want to.

The thing is, you are forgetting your part in this. You decided as a young adult, when you were certainly old enough to understand the consequences of your actions, that you would take advantage of the fact that some random women, whom you did not care about and with whom you did not want a relationship, was drunk. You had unprotected sex with her. Afterwards, you made no efforts to contact or see her to ensure that she was not carrying your child. You treated her like some inconsequential person - yesterday's paper. She got pregnant. For some reason - perhaps the fact that you obviously didn't care about her - she didn't involve you in the pregnancy.

Now, there's no question, she was absolutely wrong. If you were Atilla the Hun, she still owed it to you to tell you that she was carrying your baby. But this is a woman under tremendous distress - she made a bad decision. You can vilify her for it or you can try to understand. She apparently did not think you would want the baby. Was she wrong? She apparently thought you would not be supportive to her. Was she wrong? She apparently thought you considered her an easy, drunk lay who you could have your fun with and kick to the curb - was she wrong about that? You still talk about her in pretty much those terms - I think she knew exactly the level of esteem she held in your eyes and just decided to handle this on her own. Again, wrong decision - but is any part of it understandable?

Now you talk about the heartache and cost and embarrassment and interference in your life of finding out you have an adult daughter. Have you given any thought whatsoever to the result of your actions with this woman on her life? She probably had to at least drop out of college for a few semesters - maybe she didn't finish as a result of your good time. What about her shame getting pregnant in college? What about how her family felt. How do you suppose her father felt about what you did to HIS family. What about how he looked to his family and friends, having an unwed, pregnant daughter. Do you think he might have lost some sleep wondering where he went wrong as a parent?

What does this girl mean by "complete me"? She means that she need to know who she is. She needs to know where she came from. Who did she get her eyes from, her talents, her interests, her laugh. What is nature, what is nurture. Would you have loved her had you known her. Would you have kept her. Do you care about her? That's what she needs. She needs it from her father. But you've answered the questions already. You don't care, you don't love her, you don't want her. She means nothing to you. She is the result of a meaningess encounter with a drunk as far as you are concerned.

What most concerns me is that years ago, when you were a young man in college - young and foolish - you treated a young woman like she was worth nothing. A daughter resulted and do to neither her fault or yours, she never had you in her life. And your response is to treat her with the same lack of concern or value or respect with which you treated her mother. You feel that rejecting your own daughter makes you a better husband and better father to your other children. If you do this thing - reject her - your other children can better look up to you.

It's a tough situation and has been grossly unfair to you. The thing is, the one person who did nothing wrong is this young woman. You're mad she didn't come find you in a more "appropriate way"? What the hell is an "appropriate way" to find your parents who conceived you in such an unconcionably irresponsible and thoughtless and selfish manner? The girl needed to find her father.

I am sorry to be hard on you but I was married to an adopted man, and am the adoptive mother of a teenage boy. Both had to find their birth families - absolutely had to do it. If it is selfish to seek out your parents as an adopted child, I can only respond by saying that it is no more selfish than concieving a child outside of a committed relationship. The child is making the best of the mess they inherited from thoughtless parents.

I agree with other who have pointed out that your wife's upset is unreasonable - this was not an infidelity in your marriage. You are not being sent to the stocks, and as an adult man you can set the tone for how everyone else handles this. You can stand up and take responsibility for your actions years ago, and be clear that you regret that you did not know all these years that you had a daughter. You can put your priority on meeting her needs and expect others around you to fall in line and support you or shut up about it. Would you, for a moment, let anyone - your wife or ANYONE - prevent you from being the best father you can to your other children? Why does this flesh and blood woman who you conceived deserve anything less than your best? Why does anyone have the right to interfere in you being a father to this adult woman, who likely needs little more from you that to acknowledge her, like her, accept her, spend some time with her.

I understand that this is a shock and not being told was really a horrible thing done to you. But your anger at this young woman is really wacky and wrong, and your attitude toward her is reprehensibly hurtful.

[cdad]

I have no legal standing and rights were severed long ago. When rights are severed so are obligations. I never challenged her assertion and provided medical history. I determined she has no medical issues currently that may require consideration - if she needed something like say bone marrow or a kidney I would not deny her help because that is something she could not get from her family.

Depending on where you live she may still have a legal tie to you in the end. You must be aware of this when planning your future. In some states inheiritence can still be had even after an adoption has taken place. So should you write a will or create a trust then you need to consider it as part of your actions if in fact that right remains.


Also please don't infer that we are trying to beat up on you in some way. Those of us that have expressed a view contrary to your own are doing so out of the compassion we hold for others. It provides an outlook for you to consider. Not a judgement or determination.

[ScottGem]

It is not that we don't respect you. Nor are we being mean spirited. But most of the people on this site try not to sugarcoat things. We read what a poster tells us and we have to make judgments or ask for more info to make judgments. We also understand that there are usually two sides to a story and we are only hearing one side.

So our responses have offered sympathy, empathy and criticism. In our opinions all are justified based on what you have posted.

This is not disrespect, nor is it mean spirited. It is trying to give you the best advice we can to deal with your situation. Sometimes you may not like that advice. That doesn't mean the advice isn't good or that the advice was not offered in the spirit of help.

[JudyKayTee]

Applause for the last reply - and a greenie.

For some reason I cannot "cut and paste" so I'll quote: "I think you have miss interpreted my reference to my wife walking on by and I think you know you have. Taking on a step daughter in a relationship takes so doing - more responsibility that she would have been interested in. ... And if now she does not want to share her husband with another family and does not want to incorporate that child into her family that is something I have to consider."

For starters I am most certainly not deliberately misunderstanding you, nor am I pretending that I misunderstand you. I believe I am hearing you loud and clear.

As far as not sharing "her husband" with that husband's child I can only give you my experience. My late husband had two children, my stepchildren. I "share" him with them. After some time I married a widower with three children, my stepchildren. I "shared" him with them. I know all about being a stepmother, both with a living mother and a deceased mother. I loved/love the men. T
Hey had children. Could I love someone who walked away from his responsibiities? No.
'
My husbands' love for me and love for their children is a different love. I also never "shared" love - hearts are elastic. There is/was room for everyone.

I also didn't/don't own my husbands, so no "sharing" is involved.

I already asked if your wife believed you were a virgin when she married you. Apparently she did not. Did she know you made "mistakes" when you had too much to drink - and I'm not certain if the mistake was having sex with a woman who (according to you) was almost a stranger, failing to use protection or having what sounds like spontaneous, very casual, drunken sex. I also was once young and single. I also wasn't stupid.

Were I your wife I would be disappointed in your past behavior as well as your present behavior. But, and I'm sure we're both grateful for this fact - I am not your wife.

And again - I hope none of your children ever disappoint your wife.

When you come on a public board seeking advice about such a personal, complicated matter I always wonder - why not a therapist; why not an Attorney; why are you resentful when people don't agree with you? If you want sympathy, talk to your friends. If you want to know what other people are thinking (based on experience), post on AMHD.

And speaking of Attorneys - the child cannot "automatically" inherit from your estate IF she was legally adopted. She can if she was not. I would cover that with an Attorney in your State.

[troubled923]

Well thank you all very much

Good bye