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myles_82 · Jan 9, 2013, 07:07 PM

Is it okay if my husband's ex-wife still depend on him about her personal problems? Before our marriage, my husband ask me if its okay for me to have communication with his ex pertaining to their kids. I said yes because I know its very important for their kids. But a month after our wedding my husband received phone call at 2am and I heard the voice of the woman on the other line crying because her house is on fire. I don't know if my husband help her that. Then she borrowed the truck and my husband let his son drive the truck to his mom. They haven't meet yet after our marriage. But just last January 4, 2012 my husband received a text message from her ex with this line "can you make me resume?" My husband asked me what's my decision but I said its up to you to just see if he will do it or not. He said I will let her make first her resume then email it to me and I will check it then resend it to her. Later that night, I was thinking what if the ex continue hoping and time will come that every problem she may face will bother contacting my husband to help her. I asked my husband why is she still relying on you when she has problems? My husband said because she was used to rely everything on me when we were married. What the heck? Something came into my mind: she is no longer married to my husband the she should stop relying on him when she has problems because he is already married. I know my husband has no feelings for her but he just said that he was just doing her favor for their kids. Hey, its her personal problem and my husband should no longer involve in it. I am confused! Need help please!

Fr_Chuck · Jan 10, 2013, 12:27 AM

So talk to your husband, he appears to have tried to talk to you, and you passed it back to him, so he was OK doing it.

If you don't like it, let him known, Your marriage will be in trouble if the two of you are not talking

Alty · Jan 10, 2013, 12:36 AM

If you don't like something then say so, don't test him by telling him to do what he wants, and then have the gull to be mad because he did it. Either you speak up, or you accept it, those are your two options.

joypulv · Jan 10, 2013, 01:49 AM

There will be a lot of grey areas. He sounds like a good husband to you, because he doesn't go see her. He told her to email her resume - that's a very good sign that he is setting boundaries to keep her from weaseling her way back into his life. I would help an ex with a resume (by emailing) because if she gets a good job, she will not need money, and not have much free time to pester me! Good for everybody. As for house on fire - good grief, of course I'd go, even if I hated someone, plus there's the kids to consider.
All in all, I would trust him. Be watchful but not demanding or accusing or quizzing.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 10, 2013, 08:05 AM

I can see this if they were married a long tome and had children together. It will probably slow down on it's own after a while. He asked you if it was OK, you said yes. So either say something to him or stop complaining. I don't really see the problem.

myles_82 · Jan 10, 2013, 09:16 AM

Thank you for all the answers. It really helps me now. You are right joypulv. He is a good husband and his intention is just to help her x as a friend. I trust my husband and he himself told me already that not all favors of his x will be granted especially if it needs meet up. He said if his x said "i need help i want to see you and help me out of my problem then that is not appropriate i will for sure say no to her." I know my husband has a good intention. The only thing that bothers me is what if his x abuse his kindness that time will come she will continue relying on him. I had in my mind that the only thing for his x to stop depending on him with her problem is to stop helping her. I want my husband to talk to her through phone or email and explain to her in a nice way that he has a new life now with new family and she can't do now what she was used to do before when they were still married. My husband said that her x used to rely on him for everything when they were still married. I want her x to realize that she can no longer do it now that anytime when she has problem she will need my husband. I feel like I am being selfish but that is the best solution I am thinking.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 10, 2013, 10:11 AM

I was married to my ex for 32 years. He has since remarried. I was a stay at home mom and worked only when our daughter went to college. He does my taxes for me and has told me to call or text him when I have questions about things. I don't call as much as I used to, I'm feeling more confident and getting used to being on my own. We have now been divorced 4 years but we still talk occasionally.He even sends me Mother's day cards. He will even email me asking for a recipe for things I used to cook. He does not want me and I don't want him, but we have a long history. We are friends and his wife does not care.
Give it sometime. I don't see what the problem is. How long were they married?

joypulv · Jan 10, 2013, 10:46 AM

Your response is all about her, and it seems that you are forgetting that they SHARE parental responsibilities (and feelings) for children. That is a fact of life you took on when you married him, and if you try to get between them too much he might run back to her just for the sake of the kids. So back off! Keep your eyes and ears open, quietly.