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Sunbeam50 · Jan 5, 2013, 05:28 PM

My daughter and I had a very bad Christmas because I did not want to go to my daughter's house on the 24th. Why? I cannot stand her mother-in-law. She is a number one manipulator, dictator, toxic... My daughter does not like her but she is stuck with her husband. It took 4 times for the "kids" to get married because she was meddling in the preparation. The 4th time, it worked because I suggested to my daughter to elope, that is what they did.

My daughter says that I could do it for the grandson (emotional blackmail). My husband and I went to the kids's house on the 25th. As soon as my daughter was not in the living room, MIL would belittle me, insult me, that is why I do not want to be there with her.

On the 26th, I invite my daughter, her husband and the grandson (3.5 years) for New Year's day; she says that they can't they are going to the mother-in-law for 4 days (they live out of town); she asks me to put it another day. I said to my daughter - not negotiable, it is January 1st or she misses the boat.

I feel so bad, maybe because it is the first time that I do it. And now she said to her father that she does not want to speak to me. She does not answer her phone, does not answer e-mails and today I sent an e-mail asking her: How are we suppose to see your son, if you do not want to talk to me.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 5, 2013, 06:56 PM

You should have went on the 24th when invited, sorry yes it was for the grandkids and your daughter.

Your dislike for mother in law, is going to destroy relationship with daughter.

If you have issues with mother in law, tell her, stand up to her and deal with her.

Sunbeam50 · Jan 5, 2013, 07:58 PM

Fair enough.

I had asked my daughter to not create events with them except for the grandson's birthday. The in-laws are not my family, there my daughter's. For Holiday Season, we can get together the 5 of us without the in-laws.

What do I do to resolve the problem if she does not talk to me. I sent her many e-mails saying that I am sorry, I love her, to call me... I left many messages on her phone, she does not return them.

I can see only one thing to do, let time go by and see if it will get better (?? ).

talaniman · Jan 5, 2013, 08:07 PM

Leave her alone to cool off and maybe if you were more reasonable about sharing her with her husbands family then you may get better results. Its not a competition, it's a process that they should not be caught in the middle of with your jealousy. Especially if you are upset they can't be with you because they have plans with his family.

On the 26th, I invite my daughter, her husband and the grandson (3.5 years) for New Year's day; she says that they can't they are going to the mother-in-law for 4 days (they live out of town); she asks me to put it another day. I said to my daughter - not negotiable, it is January 1st or she misses the boat.

I would be mad to if you wouldn't give me a rain check because we had plans already. Back off and cool off, you are wrong. Do better.

Wondergirl · Jan 5, 2013, 08:14 PM

She belittles you about what? Insults you about what?

smearcase · Jan 5, 2013, 08:27 PM

I agree with tal. You twisted the knife by not being willing to reschedule the Jan 1st plan. That sounds like pure retribution to me and did to her too. Apologize with no excuses (apologies with excuses aren't apologies) and fix it asap.
I would give you a pass on the first gathering. But the second episode was uncalled for.

Sunbeam50 · Jan 8, 2013, 09:21 AM

WONDERGIRL - Belittles me about: Francophones do not have traditions only anglophones, she refuses that HER (which is mine also) grandson learns French When the grandon comes to me for a cuddle she looks at me and fumes, I should not travel so much so that I could stay home more, I should put more money in repairing my house (which does not need to be repaired) instead of travelling, they almost always wear clothes that have dripping of food on them, she belittles her husband when he is sitting right there, etc... to name only a few of the comments in 2 hours on the 25th. I do not need to spend a Christmas with my daughter and hear all those comments that are said when my daughter is not around.

I guess it is hard to understand because I would have to write for days. My daughter is caught between 2 manipulators. She knows about her mother-in-law but has not figured out about her husband yet. I wish I could recommend you an English book, but I am reading Les Manipulateurs Sont Parmi Nous - Isabelle Nazare-Aga. I don't know if it was translated in English - Manipulators Among Us.

FR_CHUCK - Your dislike for mother in law, is going to destroy relationship with daughter. - it has because the husband is entertaining the break-up.
SMEARCASE - fix it asap. - I can't because she will not talk to me and the husband gives me the run around.
SMEARCASE - But the second episode was uncalled for. - I agree with you, but I did it, I was angry, because the mother-in-law wants the whole week of Holidays and does not want to share. It was the 4th Christmas that I had to find a bit of time, so I exploded. Not the best way to deal with a situation, but I did it. I own my error.

Thirdtime · Jan 11, 2013, 08:33 PM

I can understand the differences between you and your daughters inlaws.What I want to say is you got to understand that your daughter has got a family of her own.
Your upbring had been a successful one for your daughter and you should have peace and rest in your heart that you had done a marvellous work as a mother... what I actually mean is don't underestimate your daughter's hard work for both families so leave your daughter alone! Of course she's your daughter but don't you think she will need you if she needed your help? Things will settle but leave your daughter alone to settle things between her and her inlaws and you and her inlaws and her and everybody!
So just leave things as it is for a while.

Sunbeam50 · Jan 12, 2013, 05:24 AM

Originally Posted by Thirdtime

I can understand the differences between you and your daughters inlaws.What I wanna say is you gotta understand that your daughter has got a family of her own.
Your upbring had been a succesful one for your daughter and you should have peace and rest in your heart that you had done a marvellous work as a mother.........what I actually mean is don't underestimate your daughter's hard work for both families so leave your daughter alone! Of course she's your daughter but don't you think she will need you if she needed your help? Things will settle but leave your daughter alone to settle things between her and her inlaws and you and her inlaws and her and everybody!
So just leave things as it is for a while.

I told her in several very short e-mails that I love her and I will be there for her - so I am waiting for her to talk to me. I just wish that she would have not tried so hard to bring the 2 families together for Christmas when I had asked her a few months back and especially when she knew how her mother-in-law is. My daughter wanted us to go sleep at her place on the 24th - she said Mom please save me, I cannot spend that much time with them.

I am in a good place now, my stress level is down and I am waiting for her. I cannot do more.

joypulv · Jan 12, 2013, 06:06 AM

'How are we suppose to see your son, if you do not want to talk to me.'

You don't have that right unless you live in a place that has grandparent's rights and you go to court to apply for them.

I'm afraid that I hear in your words certain rigid traits that aren't so different from the excessive criticism of the other grandmother, and I hope for your daughter's sake and that of her new young family that both grandmothers can reach a compromise. Why not take the high road and offer a truce for their sake, in a letter? A good old fashioned letter, on paper, mailed in an envelope.