[Stonerrrgirl]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating about 8 months. We live about an hour and a half away from each other but we see each other a few times a week. He is very sweet, a perfect gentleman. When we hang out we have a great time. He buys me flowers, gifts, takes me out to dinner, compliments me all the time. We never argue. The only thing is he is terrible in bed. Literally awful. The first time we had sex I was shocked to see how small his penis was. But that's not everything and should not matter that much. There wasn't much foreplay and it was over in 3 minutes. I did not feel much.

He asked it if I liked it and I was honest and said no. He said he would work on it but it never go any better. He also won't perform oral sex on me. I've asked he says "he had a horrible experience with his ex and she smelled bad". I am always very clean and shaved. He as told me so. But still won't even budge to do it. I always perform oral sex on him and he does orgasm but he won't do it to me. Now when we have sex as foreplay he will finger me for 20 seconds and he will get top and after a minute he's finished and says he can't keep his erection after he cums. Which sucks. Or we are about to have sex, but I will give him oral sex first and he will get off very fast and that's it and it's over. He has never made me orgasm.

I've tried talking to him about it but nothing works. It's extremely frustrating because he is very good to me in all other parts of the relationship. Any ideas to help make this better? I'm 20 he is older and 28. All of his girls have left him for other men and I feel bad because he is very kind. I do not want to break up with him or cheat on him. What else can I do?

[smoothy]

As far as I'm concerned.. he's not the perfect boyfriend then... if he was he'd be great there too.

[slapshot_oi]

Seek help from a third-party. This could be YouTube, a free seminar, or worst case scenario (because they're expensive) a councilor. It's possible that if he hears it from someone else he'll start taking it seriously. If that fails, then like smoothy said, he ain't the perfect boyfriend.

[Fr_Chuck]

He may never want to do oral and that should not be pushed if he does not like to. So you will, does not mean she should. Many men hate to do it, and no reason they should have to, if they don't want to.

As for as foreplay, he does not jump on top, you don't have to let him, just say no, you need to get off first, what about sex toys ?

[backpack2389]

I don't think you should just give up on this relationship because he's not very good at sex - although that's probably what all his other exes ended up doing. If he finishes too quickly when you perform oral before sex, just don't perform oral. Spend time getting worked up together. If he's always getting aroused quickly, tell him you would like more foreplay. It might help you two get to the same arousal levels at the same time. Also, if he doesn't want to perform oral and his penis alone isn't doing it for you, ask him to maybe use his fingers more. I also second the idea of sex toys, but you wouldn't want to be supplementing him with sex toys too much or he'll feel unwanted - one of the reasons I think fingers might be good, that's still him, his body.

There might be several ways to work with this situation. If you really care about him and want this relationship to work, I think you should try. However, if isn't willing to try new things and if your sex life overally isn't improving, then don't force the relationship either.

[smoothy]

Well, let me say... that horrible experience where a previous girlfriend smelled bad... let me tell you that something you don't easily forget... maybe NEVER forget... thats one of those things that is forever burned into your mind... the last time I experienced that was over 20 years ago and it still sends a chill down my spine and gives me a nauseous feeling every time I think about it.

However its not stopped me with others after that.

YOu might waste a lot of time trying and never get him to change... or at best spend a lot of time and not get much of a change... and you have achieved what? First you won't be happy with that... and if it bothers you now... just imagine how bad it will be after years of frustration... it gets worse not better unless HE really want to do it...

You can teach a guy who likes to do it but is bad at it... but you can't teach him to like it.

That works conversely when the genders are reversed as well. If one really loves anal and the other really hates it... how are you ever going to reach a happy medium. And if you don't someone's going to end up really unhappy over time.

A great relationship and a great match you would share a lot of mutual things together.. including stuff like this which can be really, really important... more than you might think right now.

Consider 5 years without it... 10 years without it... or 20+ years without something you find so pleasurable.

Compare it to your favorite desert... its not unreasonible to want it from time to time.. and its something you could have time to time... but you are told sorry... but you just can't have it because they don't want to make it for you... you might think its not a big deal but over time you are going to really, really want it and its going to grate on you that you can't have it.


So there you have my logic as to why I tell people to walk away from relationships where all the big stuff isn't exactly right... because life is short... I don't condone people wasting any of it waiting for things to happen that they want to happen when all indications are its never going to happen. You never get that time back.

And they might very well be a great person... they just aren't a great match for you.

[backpack2389]

She said and I quote "I do not want to break up with him or cheat on him. What else can I do?" So suggestions were offered.

[smoothy]

She said and I quote "I do not want to break up with him or cheat on him. What else can I do?" So suggestions were offered.

And she's not old enough to consider that she might be on a dead end street with this topic...

Young people tend to get overly focused on ONE person expecting to change them to fit what they want , rather than looking for what they want in the first place.

By the time you are in your late 20's to early 30's... the logic is obvious... but through your early 20's... most people can't see the obvious.

There are young women that are victims of abuse that don't want to leave the abuser for the very same reasons... not wanting to do what needs to be done leads to eventual divorces and infidelity... when the reality sinks in you can't change someone's nature...

You can teach them skills... but they have to be willing to learn them first...

Just like there are some women that flat out refuse to give oral, anal or whatever... there are some guys like that as well. He's one.

[Enigma1999]

WARNING! THIS MAY SEEM DEROGATORY TO SOME.

I would take an orgasm over flowers, chocolates or even a fancy dinner.

It may be because I am sick and twisted... Or not...

I'm sorry to say, but that would be a dealbreaker for me. You know, I think I could handle the "not being able to from his cock" but if he REFUSES to make me with his tongue... then all bets are off!

Sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable for BOTH parties. And 20 seconds of foreplay isn't going to cut it.

It almost seems like he is selfish in the bedroom.

Frankly, I wouldn't give him head anymore until he gives you an orgasm first. Hell, even two or three first... and it shouldn't matter if he has an extra belly button, there are other ways to make you .

There is a reason his previous girlfriends left him for other men.

... just saying.

I agree with Smoothy! Life is too short.

[smoothy]

WARNING! THIS MAY SEEM DEROGATORY TO SOME.

I would take an orgasm over flowers, chocolates or even a fancy dinner.

It may be because I am sick and twisted... Or not...

I'm sorry to say, but that would be a dealbreaker for me. You know, I think I could handle the "not being able to from his cock" but if he REFUSES to make me with his tongue....then all bets are off!

Sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable for BOTH parties. And 20 seconds of foreplay isn't going to cut it.

It almost seems like he is selfish in the bedroom.

Frankly, I wouldn't give him head anymore until he gives you an orgasm first. Hell, even two or three first...and it shouldn't matter if he has an extra belly button, there are other ways to make you .

There is a reason his previous girlfriends left him for other men.

....just sayin.

I agree with Smoothy! Life is too short.

Exactly.. a couple of my first serious girlfriends flat out would not do oral on me or let me do it on them. (or Anal either)... and I didn't have the perspective and life experience to see what prudes they were at the time... while they seemed great at the time as I got older I learned that THANK GOD I GOT AWAY FROM THEM because until I moved on to someone better... I didn't realise how bad it really was at that time...

You can't know what bad really is until you've been with someone really good... and that takes time and experience...


Most peoples first couple serious relationships seem perfect... because they haven't really experienced what good was yet.

What seemed perfect to me 32 years ago in College... in hindsight really, and I mean really sucked... after gathered much more experience and had much better relationships I could see this..

[backpack2389]

True but the importance of sex in a relationship fades. If everything else is perfect, wouldn't you feel motivated to try to make this one aspect work before you quit altogether? Furthermore, some of the pro-porn arguments supplied here were supported with the evidence that orgasm is just a release of tension and so forth, hardly the key factor in a relationship or even a key concern in a sexual relationship; that there are many other reasons you would be with a person aside from the sexual aspects. Either sex is the make it or break it lynchpin of a relationship or it's a small facet in an otherwise complex arrangement. It cannot be upheld in one scenario as the key to a strong connection and in other scenarios as something otherwise not worth concerning yourself with.

[smoothy]

True but the importance of sex in a relationship fades. If everything else is perfect, wouldn't you feel motivated to try to make this one aspect work before you quit altogether? Furthermore, some of the pro-porn arguments supplied here were supported with the evidence that orgasm is just a release of tension and so forth, hardly the key factor in a relationship or even a key concern in a sexual relationship; that there are many other reasons why you would be with a person aside from the sexual aspects. Either sex is the make it or break it lynchpin of a relationship or it's a small facet in an otherwise complex arrangement. It cannot be upheld in one scenario as the key to a strong connection and in other scenarios as something otherwise not worth concerning yourself with.

Whoa... the importance of sex in a relationship fades?

Where did you get that bit of information from... because that is way wrong... I know you yourself are very young but I'll be the first to tell you as someone who is over 50 and been married 21 years now... sex is every bit as important 21 years into a marriage as it was in the honeymoon phase.

Its not the only thing... but its far from being a minor thing.

Let one party decide they don't want to have sex... and see how long that marriage lasts or the other starts cheating.

Maybe when you get to be 70... but then maybe not if you talk to people that work in nursing homes.

[Enigma1999]

True but the importance of sex in a relationship fades. If everything else is perfect, wouldn't you feel motivated to try to make this one aspect work before you quit altogether? Furthermore, some of the pro-porn arguments supplied here were supported with the evidence that orgasm is just a release of tension and so forth, hardly the key factor in a relationship or even a key concern in a sexual relationship; that there are many other reasons why you would be with a person aside from the sexual aspects. Either sex is the make it or break it lynchpin of a relationship or it's a small facet in an otherwise complex arrangement. It cannot be upheld in one scenario as the key to a strong connection and in other scenarios as something otherwise not worth concerning yourself with.

OP has expressed her concerns to her boyfriend.

I could see if he is was oozing with experience.

Then I would recommend that she teach him.

However, that doesn't seem to be the case. He has been with others. He also claims that he won't perform oral because he had a bad experience in the past. Ok, fair enough, but she wasn't that person. He shouldn't penalize her do to somebody else's lack of cleanliness, should he?

He only stimulates her with his finger for a few seconds then he gets on top of her, does his business and gets off, literally.

That doesn't sound like an ever lasting relationship.

I find it funny that he will allow her to give oral sex, but not reciprocate unless its penetration, where that would be beneficial for him.

See what I'm saying?

[backpack2389]

What about after the honeymoon phase (where sex goes from being extremely central to just part of it)? There is a big difference in the role of sex from the beginning of a relationship to 20 years later. What about when you have kids and your relationship becomes less about the two of you and more about the three, four, five, or twelve of you? A relationship evolves and changes over time. I think it's very sex centered for the first few years and after that becomes more about the intellectual connection among other factors - a phenomenon which I have seen you, smoothy, describing. (I was just reading an article the other day that said we are programmed to be truly monogamous, and actually enjoy monogamy, for about 4 years with a given partner before we start seeking other partners out - Assuming the truth of this, the role of sex in that relationship, with that person would change. Your partner might become more of what you have and less of what you honestly sexually desire). The level of sex's importance in the overall structure of the relationship would definitely decline as the relationship became more complex - I'm not saying that libido declines, just the role of sex.

[backpack2389]

Enigma, I see what you're saying and I agree that he sounds rather selfish in bed, though otherwise giving. However, she has said that she would like to try to make things work. I attempted to supply some ideas while also mentioning that if further attempts don't work, that she shouldn't force a relationship.

[smoothy]

What about after the honeymoon phase (where sex goes from being extremely central to just part of it)? There is a big difference in the role of sex from the beginning of a relationship to 20 years later. What about when you have kids and your relationship becomes less about the two of you and more about the three, four, five, or twelve of you? A relationship evolves and changes over time. I think it's very sex centered for the first few years and after that becomes more about the intellectual connection among other factors - a phenomenon which I have seen you, smoothy, describing. (I was just reading an article the other day that said we are programmed to be truly monogamous, and actually enjoy monogamy, for about 4 years with a given partner before we start seeking other partners out - Assuming the truth of this, the role of sex in that relationship, with that person would change. Your partner might become more of what you have and less of what you honestly sexually desire). The level of sex's importance in the overall structure of the relationship would definitely decline as the relationship became more complex - I'm not saying that libido declines, just the role of sex.

I believe monogomy is learned... not a natural thing. At least for men... women are inclined to monogomy for their own reasons... its based in instinct which is genetic.


You are viewing it wrong... if you are responsible you dated long enough to get past the lust stage... where sex would be central. If you dated for say 3 years before getting married... the honeymoon phase isn't equal to the lust stage at all... and actually the honeymoon stage isn't as perfect as some people think... thats when you are learning to live with each others quirks that didn't come out sooner... and getting into routines and peoples responsibilities are being defined.

That's usually worked out by the 2nd or 3rd year... now how boring things get are purely up to the two of you.

You can work to keep things fresh... or you can just fall into a rut and do the same thing over and over and over...

Many of us... learned enough early on to want to keep it fresh... so even after 21 years.. its still an everyday thing...

[Enigma1999]

Enigma, I see what you're saying and I agree that he sounds rather selfish in bed, though otherwise giving. However, she has said that she would like to try to make things work. I attempted to supply some ideas while also mentioning that if further attempts don't work, that she shouldn't force a relationship.

I believe that sex isn't the only thing that makes for a great relationship. I do believe that it does help. My definition of sex isn't about "getting off" it is about a strong connection between two people.

And during that connection, I believe that exploring the body is an amazing thing.

It isn't about the destination. It is about the journey. OP's lover doesn't seem to want to explore her body. To know what makes her shake and quiver.

Eight months... and the sex is " terrible"? They haven't even been together long enough to know the changes in a romantic relationship.

If he is bad, AND she explains in a diplomatic way, AND he is unwilling to change your help the situation out, then she needs to reassess the situation.

...

[backpack2389]

The article I was reading discussed the advantages of relatively short term (4 years) monogamy to both men and women in that it helps ensure the survival of offspring - that it would be instinctual for both sexes. After 4 years supposedly both men and women are searching for new partners because the first couple's offspring is at least semi-independent (walking, talking, eating with teeth, etc. ).

[smoothy]

I haven't read that study... the ones I have in the past have shown guys instict is to breed as much as possible with as many as possible... while women need monogamy for self preservation of herself and her child as a survival tactic... true it applied more when people were swinging from trees and living in caves... and mortality rates from wild animals and disease were very high than it does in today's world... but as much as we hate to admit... we really are subject to our instincts more than we would like to think.

[Stonerrrgirl]

Hey guys thanks for the feed back. I know I'm only 20 but I've been in a 5 year relationship previous with a much older man and he was great in the bed room. So anyway. I only give my current boyfriend oral sex for about 30 seconds and he ejaculates after that. I mean his penis is rather small so it's much easier to do than someone that has a larger penis. And I enjoy giving oral sex and making my partner feel nice. I also enjoy anal and receiving oral sex but my current boyfriend will not do anal he says it's gross. I really like him a lot. I've tried talking to him about the oral sex thing. He won't do it. I actually like oral sex more than penetration. But the penetration isn't much and I don't want to dump him just over that. I know some men don't enjoy oral but it's not fair that he is statisfied and I am not. And I don't want to use dildos that are much smaller than his penis. That's kind of cruel. I just don't think he's willing to try new things which is sad:(