[Looking4Help458]

My husband and I have been married 12 yrs. Our marriage is falling apart. I have tried many things to keep his attention and love. He recently had an affair but we continue to work out our marriage. I have asked him to seek counseling, he refuses. I need to make him see we are and can still be magical. I'm a stay home mother, he's a truck driver. How can I reconnect with my husband? How can I make him see I love him as much today as yesterday, without him making me feel like crap?

Thanks, desperate wife.

[Oliver2011]

UGH CHEATING!!

Making you feel like crap? You should be there already (and I am sure you are). You want to save a marriage where he cheats on you? How can you trust him again? And honestly if he refuses to discuss the issues and won't seek help, what hope can you have?

Sorry to be Debbie Downer but you need to put on your reality glasses. You deserve more than what this man is giving you.

[dontknownuthin]

The thing is, you are trying to fix what he has broken. You can't do it - he has to do it.

I don't think I could stay in this situation. I could forgive the cheating only if my husband recognized the huge impact of his betrayal on me and our family, and was willing to do what I needed him to do to work through it. If he cheated on me and then refused to help me recover from the betrayal, I think I would have a very hard time respecting him and would find him terribly selfish and immature.

The other factor that I would struggle with would be the truck driving, if he is gone overnights. I would always suspect he was cheating on me during his trips. He frankly probably is. For all you know, the girlfriend could be driving with him.

As for things being "magical" that's unrealistic. Let's face it, you can keep romance alive but you can't make every day as a housewife and truck driver into some fantasy. At some point the relationship needs to move into a comfortable, peaceful, soft place to fall - not all fireworks and flowers. There's a deeper form of love that's not so frantic as all of that. It's based on trust, shared work and values and ambitions and interests.

All you can do without his cooperation is set boundaries for what is acceptable for you in order for you to stay, and you can get counseling without him.

[mark25624]

Truckers!
Especially LD Drivers!
Do have at some truck stops ladies of the day/evening!!
This is so widely known!

And if he is cheating!
Then you need to find/figure out what is missing in the relationship.
Cheating only happens when there is something missing. Look more at the reason it is happening!!
Not so much on the act itself!!

We all do things for a reason!!

L

[Homegirl 50]

Sometime people cheat because they are creeps. If your husband is a cheater why do you have to prove your love? He is the one who should be making things right with you.

[mark25624]

Please read what I said!!
It comes from Dr. John gray who said it!!
Not all men are creeps!!

The opportunity is there!
And men do go for it!
Because they know!
The chance may not come around again!!

This what all men think, feel, believe.

Either seek counceling!
If he does not want to because men do not want to ever admit they or there is a problem with them, or the relationship!

Men are just built that way!!
Because either that is how they were brought up!!
Or! They are lsiening /subscribing to what their friends are saying (they do not know if what they are saying is either fact!! Or!! Fiction).

The long and short of it!!
Men are like SHEEP!!
Where 1 goes!!
The rest will ollow!!

Know your man!!

[JudyKayTee]

All men think this way? I don't think so, and I don't like generalizations. Your comments are offensive to "all" men and I don't see that they are helpful.

If one man cheats that does not mean that all me are cheaters. There are men out there, including over the road truckers (which you referred to earlier) who do not cheat, are not tempted, do not meet womenfor sex in parking lots.

There have been numerous articles written about Dr John Gray - he is considered in many circles to be a sideshow act and his PhD is in question. This is akin to quoting Judge Judy on the legal boards.

Maybe you are like a sheep!
Maybe you go where your friends go!
Not all men are like that!
Some men are faithful!

[Homegirl 50]

Read what I said. I did not say all men are creeps. I said some people cheat because they are creeps.
Not all men cheat and not all truckers have sex in parking lots with women.
If this man cheated, and does not want to seek help to save his marriage, why is up to her to find out why her husband spreads his stuff around? Why is the onus on her? He broke the vows.

[mark25624]

Read what I said. I did not say all men are creeps. I said some people cheat because they are creeps.
Not all men cheat and not all truckers have sex in parking lots with women.
If this man cheated, and does not want to seek help to save his marriage, why is up to her to find out why her husband spreads his stuff around? Why is the onus on her? He broke the vows.

She calls it cheating!
When spouses cheat.
There is something missing!

[dontknownuthin]

She calls it cheating!
When spouses cheat.
There is something missing!

Usually when spouses cheat, what is missing is the maturity and integrity of the cheating party. A mature man or woman of integrity will address the shortcomings or the marriage without breaking their vows. They will understand that marriages have to be worked on.

[JudyKayTee]

Mark, your latest response has nothing to do with the conversation up to that point and makes no sense. Homegirl said: "Sometime people cheat because they are creeps .."

Note the use of the word "some."

I disagree with you - not all people cheat because there is a problem in the marriage. Some people have their own issues, independent of the marriage. A cheating spouse does not mean the other spouse is somehow insufficient.

[mark25624]

Usually when spouses cheat, what is missing is the maturity and integrity of the cheating party. A mature man or woman of integrity will address the shortcomings or the marriage without breaking their vows. They will understand that marriages have to be worked on.

For so many years.
We have looked at the act itself.
Not the reason behind it.

[JudyKayTee]

Who is the "we" in looking at the act, not the cause? Certainly not counselors, therapists, pastors. Certainly not anyone in the legal profession.

Who?

Your use of generalities discredits anything of value which you say.

[mark25624]

Who is the "we" in looking at the act, not the cause? Certainly not counselors, therapists, pastors. Certainly not anyone in the legal profession.

Who?

Your use of generalities discredits anything of value which you say.

Whatever.
Talk to those people and find out for yourself.
Rather than guess.

[JudyKayTee]

Mark, you said "we." I want to know who "we" is. If I knew, then I'd know who to ask. Give me the names of "those people" so I know who to ask.

So - who is the "we" who has never looked into the cause of infidelity and is consumed by the act?

[Homegirl 50]

She calls it cheating!
When spouses cheat.
There is something missing!

That is not always the case. There could be something missing or wrong with the person who cheats not with the other person or the marriage.
There are some people who are just not truthful or faithful. They could have the best spouse in the world but are selfish and see no need to be faithful.

[talaniman]

Debating amonst ourselves seems to have hijacked this post so its been closed. Another of many it seems and a growing concern. That's what agree/disagree is for.