[girrlbird]

I was with my boyfriend for 11 years up until a year in a half ago, we separated by moving apart. He did cheat on me once I know of, During the last year we were technically broke up. We still spent a ot of time together. Valentines Day, New years Eve, he invited me to spend time with him and his family and do things still with him and his daughter. May of 2006 we spent his birthday, and the whole summer together. Even though he wouldn't admit he loved me. I just assumed we would get back together.

We had just came back from a romantic weekend in Idlewild and I was supposed to spend time that next weekend at the desert with his family when I found out he was seeing the girl he cheated on me with. I was heart broken it felt like he did it all over again.

He asked to have some space for us to sperarate, never ending it in fact we slept together that night. I asked him if we still had a chance he said yes, I asked him if he was going to marry or moving with this girl he said no it wasn't like that. We didn't really see each other much for the next few months. I drove with him to his aunts for Thanksgiving with his daughter and then on to my parents. Then picked him up it was wonderful it felt so right. When we got back into town we slept together again. Then The weekend before I left town for xmas we were together again and we exchanged gifts.

During xmas at my family I found out I was 3 months pregnant with his child, when I came back I was so confused if I should tell him. I started dating a wonderful guy about November, but still in love with the other man it was hard. I asked the now father where he was, I told him I had a chance to be with someone else and I would need him to be honest with me. He didn't then even tell me we were through.

I spent the day with him, daughter and his mother early January, and again it was wonderful it felt right. I decided a week after that I needed to tell him. I called and left him a message on the phone I was 3 months pregnant.

Week later I get an email saying he doesn't love me, he is with this other girl, and he thinks I tried to trap him.

Since I have learned from his family(who supports me 100%) what type of man he truly is. Not a very good one I know I could never have a relationship with him. But I do want my baby too.

We went a month without talking and he emailed me about stupid stuff. We talk back and forth but never about the baby. I know he needs time.

What can I do to make him realize what a gift this is. That we spent 11 years as friends and there were many things we like about each other. That we can raise this child together and not have to be lovers?

Please help!

[tishee_76]

Oh honey...
That's so cruel of him..
All I can offer you is probably something you already know,.
It takes two to be in a successful relationship.

Some people don't appreciate the finer qualities of life, especially the ones that either don't recognise them or don't feel they deserve it..

Just be sure of your own hearts happiness and your unborn child's need for your calmness..

Be safe and happy and I wish you all the strengths of a mother..

[AsherBlu85]

Ok Girly,
This is what I think. I know what you're going through to an extent. I know that you already know that you can't make someone understand your feelings and change their mind. Especially a man who feels as though he can be bothered with you when he wants to be. I know its hard and it hurts but you just have to let time run this. If he doesn't think it's his, give him a test and prove it to him. You were right, your child needs and deserves a father but want for him. Be the mother you know you can be because when your child gets older and this man still isn't around, he'll be the bastard not your baby. People usually don't grow up they just get old. Hope it works out for you

[talaniman]

You have a child, and that should be your focus. Whether he wants to play dad or not is up to him, and there is nothing you can do to make him. He has a financial, and moral obligation, but that's it. And before you get mad at him for being a bum, remember you picked him and stayed in his life even though it was so clear he was a no-good cheating BUM. Make sure this child doesn't suffer just because the parents were immature.

[tishee_76]

Even the courts agree shared care is a healthy option for separated families with children.

We all make mistakes, mis-judge our situation but I'm sure with time and exceptance and 11yrs of friendship you, him and your child can have a healthy civil relationship..

I really don't see a "child suffering" as yet..
And even no-good cheating bums, equivilate to wonderful solid father figures sometimes..

[kay13]

I don't know of any cheating bums who have turned out to be good fathers. What sort of message is he passing onto his child when he treats the mother with such little respect?

Having one good happy parent is better for your baby than two parents who don't have the same agenda.

[talaniman]

By Tishee76,

Even the courts agree shared care is a healthy option for separated families with children.
Yes they do, but they can't make a man visit his child.

We all make mistakes, mis-judge our situation but I'm sure with time and exceptance and 11yrs of friendship you, him and your child can have a healthy civil relationship..
Yes the can, but you can't make a man be a father. I would agree that he may change, but I wouldn't bet a child future on a bum unless he proved he had changed and for now he isn't very friendly is he.

I really don't see a "child suffering" as yet..
No not yet but you do see future mother suffering.
And even no-good cheating bums, equivilate to wonderful solid father figures sometimes
That my dear will require proof and to date he hasn't stepped up to the plate and has a history of use and abuse lying and cheating.


Yes I am harsh because life and reality is cruel and unforgiving.

[tishee_76]

Haha.. But.. Were you looking at good fathers as they are in their present situation or as they were in the midst of a mistake?
She stated he has a daughter and spends time with her.. Time shared is an essential quality of parenting that is easily forsaken and replaced with financial and moral obligations...

No Parent or person leads as a perfect role model..
Without role playing errors how would our children learn how to deal with this, at times nasty judgemental, world..

My Father proclaimed he was gay, and divorced when I was a child, but by no means do I disrepect his parenting, decisions or the time he dedicated to his children.
In fact as I grew older and understood completely what he risked by being honest to himself and everyone.. I admired him for being brave, standing up for what he believed in..

He also knows the fact I don't agree with his lifestyle, but accept it..

Humans were in fact made to be a mating PAIR..
Why... my guess is to experience and benefit from the qualities provided by both sides of the different sexes..

[tishee_76]

I understand your point of view..
Every situation is different I guess, but I thought after 11years of a solid friendship it was something to work on..
And my view was to support her opinion of two parents in this child's life..
It does have benefts..

I guess time will tell..

[tishee_76]

I do apologise to girrlbird
I'm sure us debating over your situation is a little outlandish..
As always my view is only one view and by no means did it intend to offend..
I do hope for a bright future for all involved including the grandparents and half sister

[Manny_Syd]

Hi Girrlbird,

Sorry to hear the difficult time you are having at the moment...

Being a male, I will answer it from a males point of view... hopefully it might help you to understand him and the situation better

Firstly I would point the finger and say; Please use protection... though, now that the deed is done, we must find a resolution to help the problem.. No use lingering on the past.

No man wants to hear from his ex or sometimes his girlfriend that she is with a child... Its more or less a shock, we get our guards up and start to assume things that can be incorrect.

Some common things a guy would say:

* "You are just trying get back with me"
* "Are you sure that is my baby?"
* "You are trying to break my current relationship"

... etc... and the list goes on... A lot of them can be offensive..

The thing to consider is the "EGO" of men, they are not willing to except it... or they may feel that they don't trust you... Sometimes the EGO maybe so high; even if you slapped them with the truth and Evidence.. they won't believe you.

My advice is to provide at least once evidence that it is his child; maybe when he grows up and becomes a man he will be able to take responsibly for himself.

For now, all you can do is to look after the child.. and also to really take care of your health; both, physically and emotionally.

Wish you all the best,

~MannY