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sparkleseas · Dec 22, 2012, 08:09 AM

Hi guys I'm not sure what to do. My situatuion is I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we have an almost 2 year old boy together and I don't think I love him anymore. Things have been stale for about a year now, everything he does irritates me, he is extremely childish and constantly picks fights over nothing. I also think that he's a lazy father to our son, especially concerning his safety(leaving the stair gates open etc.) And doesn't seem to care at all about his development (he is slightly late with speech).

I will try discuss these problems with him as delicately and sensitively as I can but all he does is turn in to a fight as he gets offended. I try to say our sons safety is more important than his pride but he doesn't listen. I've tried to put us in couples counselling but he just sits there giving no eye contact and grunting answers, essentially sulking that he's there. Then says afterwards that it's a waste of time and money! I can't have an intelligent conversation with him like at all, its like he's incapable.

However, I'm in two minds we have a life together and a nice house he's good to me, he doesn't drink or cheat and will help out around the house when asked and will play with our son nicely. I don't want to take my son away from his daddy as he loves him so much and would wreck his world :( someone give me some advice please

joypulv · Dec 22, 2012, 08:39 AM

I know this sounds callous, but please say what your financial arrangements are - who works, who doesn't, who owns the house, who chips in the most, whether you fight over money spent (other than the counseling). Studies show that most couple problems revolve around money.

Second is the man's happiness with his work and ability to provide when there are children. So can you comment on that too. How stressful, any worries about losing the job, how strenuous, and do you work too?

sparkleseas · Dec 22, 2012, 08:47 AM

Hi thanks for replying, he does work 48 hours a week job, not a nice job to be honest in a recycling plant. I work part time in a book warehouse. Money is OK for us could be better but we have had worse. I think he feels he provides a lot and is job is quite safe...

joypulv · Dec 22, 2012, 09:44 AM

OK, I would first take on 80-90% all the child care and housework, based on his long hours and your short ones. Write a list of what his small % is (and yours), and also make a list of simple things that both of you have to do, like closing the baby gates behind you. If you tend to be neater and cleaner than he thinks is necessary, then you have to accept a certain compromise there.
Do your bill paying together once a month if you don't already. Discuss expenses and where each paycheck goes, and how much each of you get to keep for funny money of your own, and how much you put aside for fun as a family, and how much goes to emergencies. Keep a ledger. It doesn't have to be fancy.
You really need to get married for your own protection as a mother with child, whether it's from breaking up or death. You may both be young, but you never know. It might be something as simple as life insurance at his job, or Social Security death benefits. Accidents happen every day. In fact, a married woman can collect on her husband's (including ex) income if she has been married 10 years, when they reach retirement age.
You also each need a little time off alone each month!
Find a quiet time on his day off when he is rested to talk about all this over the kitchen table, no TV or games or computer or distractions, and not when there is any fighting, and with no negative comments, all positive! Let's work out a plan for our happiness.

talaniman · Dec 22, 2012, 03:18 PM

How long has this counseling been going on? Maybe you expect to many changes to fast or he gets stubborn when you point out his shortcomings. Whatever the root cause of this lack of communications is take a step back when you feel the need to vent your concerns and feelings and find a gentler easier and more appropriate way to express them.

Do his positive attributes out weigh the bad ones? Don't answer until you are cool, calm, and collected and in control of your feelings and NOT frustrated.