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SweetPea95 · Dec 10, 2012, 11:24 AM

I would like peoples opinions on how my poem is going so far, it for my history class and it due in 2 days. I know it isn't much but I think the first line is most important to make the rest of it the work.
This is what I got so far:

Blood rains down from the sky, while cries are still heard from the ears of those still fighting.

Wondergirl · Dec 10, 2012, 11:28 AM

Get rid of one of the "still" words and you're good to go from there. Nice imagery!

Wondergirl · Dec 10, 2012, 11:29 AM

By the ears, not from the ears?

SweetPea95 · Dec 10, 2012, 12:23 PM

Thank you! :)

smearcase · Dec 10, 2012, 01:25 PM

What blood rained down from the sky on DDay? Shot down pilots, paratroopers shot hanging in their chutes?
Maybe death rained down from the sky as in the pilots and the paratroopers and the bombs from aircraft and shelling from allied naval vessels.
Blood more likely ran from the sea to the shore and on the shore as troops landed in landing craft onto the beaches.
Many allied troopers (carrying heavy equipment and backpacks) stepped off landing craft into what they thought was two or three feet of water only to land and drown in deep craters caused by intensive bombing done by the allies the night before which was intended to clear out enemy troops and booby traps close to the landing sites.
Just my two cents worth.

SweetPea95 · Dec 11, 2012, 06:03 AM

That gives me an idea for a line in the poem. Your 2 cents worth is worth many. :) I also have to have the date in there which is going to be a little tough

SweetPea95 · Dec 11, 2012, 08:34 AM

Okay I tweaked it. Got rid of one still added the date and put bombs in it

On June 6th, 1944, Bombs rain down from the sky, while cries are heard by the ears of the those still fighting.

Better start than before?

SweetPea95 · Dec 11, 2012, 08:46 AM

Okay NOW I STUCK...

On June 6, 1944….Bombs rain down from the sky, while cries are heard by the ears of those still fighting.

After crying “Mom! Mommy! Mommy!”, Silence takes over their cries as their eyes are closed shut in a deep sleep of comfort.

As casualties increase, all the friends decrease…. Seeing dead bodies among the beaches, but yet they still tread through the hurt.

Wondergirl · Dec 11, 2012, 09:46 AM

Make it shorter and choppier, more dramatic.

June 6, 1944 bombs rained down, cries were heard by those still fighting.

“Mom! Mommy! Mommy!” -- then silence. Their eyes closed in a deep sleep, never to wake.

Casualties increased, comrades decreased. Dead bodies on the beach, yet soldiers struggled through the hurt and the gore on their way to St. Lo.

SweetPea95 · Dec 11, 2012, 10:05 AM

Very nice! But I can't copy! But it gives me a good idea :) it got smaller in the middle

smearcase · Dec 11, 2012, 11:40 AM

You are still starting with things coming down and there were some things coming down but DDay was 156,00 or so troops hitting the beach in landing crafts which were launched from large warships on the sea. I think you need to get something about "landings" or "boots going from sea to land" in there early on, more so than the bombs falling. Bombs fell everywhere all the time in WW ll but so far you have nothing unique to DDay except the date (and the words beach and ref. to St. Lo- which are good but maybe too subtle ).
I am a Navy vet (20 yrs later than DDay) and maybe I am biased toward the sea segment of the operation, but June 6, 1944 is often referred to as the DDay Landings. Those hundreds of thousands of troops who landed on the beaches and plowed forward on the ground were the main factor while the aerial bombing and shelling from warships was support for those brave troops, who I believe continued right across Europe.
The operation was so critical and risky that FDR led the nation in prayer once it was divulged that it was underway:
Warren Kozak: FDR's D-Day Prayer - WSJ.com

Just trying to put you in the middle of the invasion so you can look around and get more ideas.

SweetPea95 · Dec 11, 2012, 12:13 PM

Well I got it done... my teacher said it was good. And another person said I put a twist at the end...

On June 6, 1944….Bombs rain down from the sky, while cries are heard by the ears of those still fighting.
After crying “Mom! Mommy! Mommy!” silence takes over their cries as their eyes are closed shut into deep sleep.
As casualties increase, all the friends decrease…. Seeing dead bodies among the beaches, but yet they still tread through the hurt.
Threads of planes, one by one, cut through the clouds of the unknown, throwing bullets at each other, one….by….one.
Explosions all around, fear flowing through the air, no comfort to hold….
A son is torn away from his beloved mother, a son torn away from his beloved father.
Smothered with tears to the ones that fall and never return. Sorrows hit the ground where the allies’ brothers sleep with final comfort.
Heaps of bodies…Heaps of souls taken to heaven with God’s loving hand.
Till the end…Allies stand their ground, through stronghold their bodies live through the horror.
At last…. The day comes…Adolf Hitler no more. See you lying breathless on the floor, with your head bashed in. Laughter and joy filled through-out the nation. Drinks on me for all the troops! All happiness is FREED!