[Liz Bennett]

My two daughters have been my life--I loved them, supported them, and showered them with gifts. Both girls have been very cranky with me for the past several years. They both have very stressful jobs, and stressful home lives--the older one married a pathological narcissist, and the younger one's partner developed a brain tumor which was removed, but he hasn't returned to normal.

This past summer we got together for the older one's 50th B'day--her Dad and I drove 800 miles to attend the party (we're in our 70's). Both girls have developed the habit of snapping at me over truly minor things, and I finally told the younger one that I was tired of being a punching bag after she had yelled at me for the umpteenth time.

My husband called the next day to suggest that the younger one apologise, and reported that she burst into tears and was hysterical and didn't want me to attend the small family party on the actual day of the B'day. So my husband and I (yes, he's their father, but doesn't like fuss) decided that the kindest thing for our younger daughter would be not to attend.

Subsequently, the two have cut off relations. I have always emphasized the importance of thanking people for gifts, and after spending a lot of time and dollars on our daughter's 50th, and our granddaughter's 17th, we never received a word of thanks.

I have written to both girls and told them that I have always loved them and always will--but no response. My husband has said for several years that he thinks they both consider us big nuisances and don't want us to visit, but I couldn't believe him because I loved them so much.

I'm stumped about what to do.

[ballengerb1]

Your husband may be correct. Their values are not your values even though you raised them. Rebellion is not uncommon. As kids grow they see their parents who are very often controlling them and "bossing them" As kids become adults they can easily vow to not be like mom or dad. They are attempting to be better but may be misguided. Sorry for your not so uncommon situation, especially with the hoildays coming up.

[smearcase]

Try to get it patched up at least to the point that you can at least get past "the two have cut off relations" . You don't have to become best friends but "cut off" might be too hard to live with some day in the future.
I had problems with a close loved one for a long time, and he died at a young age, near perfectly healthy, two days after we buried the hatchet, forgot the past and agreed to go forward the best we could.
I have few thoughts today about the fairly trivial matters we disagreed about and I don't know how long our truce would have lasted, but the one positive thought I do have is that we parted friends.