[Geektwist]

My girlfriend admitted to me that she liked to have sex with girls, she said it was just fun, that she would never date a girl. When she told me this I really didn't think much of it at the time.
The other night she asked if it would be OK with me if she had sex with a girl that night. I was shocked and I'm guessing the look on my face was quite a sad one. She rolled her eyes and said "forget it".

We're both 22, still young, but adults. We've told each other we're exclusive to each other, we've even both told the other we love the other. I want her to be 100% happy with me, but I honestly have no idea how to ask her to explain her views to me so I can understand, or how to let her see it from my shoes.

In my eyes it's cheating. Just Because they are the same sex doesn't make it not sex. Right? If I wanted to have sex with another guy, I'm sure she wouldn't like that idea(not that it would happen, just making a point). If the fact is that she can have sex with girls w/o emotion, does this mean she can do the same with guys? Is this something I should worry about?

Any help on this topic would be great. I can't get it off my mind. =\

[ballengerb1]

Your GF sounds bi and you need to ask yourself if this is something that you can accept. If not, walk, or run, now.

[Geektwist]

Your GF sounds bi and you need to ask yourself if this is something that you can accept. If not, walk, or run, now.

If she was actually "Bi" she wouldn't mind dating girls correct? She's told me that she would never be with a girl, She just likes to have sex with them every now and then.

[manimuth]

In my eyes it's cheating. =\

There is your answer. If you're OK with being cheated on, then let her do what she wants. You are both very young and at a time, that most would say, you should be exploring and finding yourself. Maybe she is exploring, maybe she is bisexual, and maybe she is not ready to commit to just one person.
So, let her know that you consider this cheating and that you are not OK with that. This can bring up a lot of new issues you have to be willing to talk about.

[ballengerb1]

"She just likes to have sex with them every now and then. That is bi, how else would you define it?

[robertsqueen]

I agree that it is cheating. Having any type of sexual contact with another person while in a monogmus relationship is cheating. Try to sit her down and have her tell you how she is feeling about other girls. Then decide if you can deal with it.

[Lowtax4eva]

This is a problem to you?. just say what I said when my wife mentionned this "as long as i can be there"

She may be hinting on wanting a 3 some, which is up to you if your into or not, but if she wants to be with a girl on her own any time she wants, I can see how this could cause a problem and you'll have to ask yourself is it worth staying with her.

[kp2171]

A lot of guys are aroused by the idea, but what about when its yours?

I think most here will say sex with another is cheating. And especially when YOU think intuitively its cheating, you probably don't need to search for ways to validate her desires.

Sometimes people just like different things. Nobody can decide if you are OK with this or not. You are whatever you are.

I do think its easier for some, esp when younger, to separate sex from emotion. I have a friend who liked girl with girl some in college. Didn't happen a lot, but she did a little. She's with a guy last I knew. Been a long time. And I never heard about her cheating on a guy. She never was with a girl while dating a guy.

So... all your points are valid. You just might be at a place where you need to step back and let her experiment as she desires... meaning you step away from her. I imagine even if she doesn't step out on you, you'll be the closed-minded jerk who isn't letting her be happy.

Maybe its time for you two to talk it out. You tell her how you feel and she explains how emotional detachment from sex with another doesn't distract her from your relationship.

Shouldn't she be channeling that sexual energy into your relationship?

Maybe not, from her perspective. Maybe she "needs" this. She'll have to decide herself, just like you'll need to decide yourself.

[Geektwist]

There is your answer. If you're ok with being cheated on, then let her do what she wants. You are both very young and at a time, that most would say, you should be exploring and finding yourself. Maybe she is exploring, maybe she is bisexual, and maybe she is not ready to commit to just one person.
So, let her know that you consider this cheating and that you are not ok with that. This can bring up a lot of new issues you have to be willing to talk about.

I'd like to think that she knows what she wants. Our relationship has been a long distance one for a little while, with visits every other weekend or so, constant talk through txt or online. We've known each other for over 3 years, and just became exclusive AGAIN around Nov. of last year. When we dated before she had sex with one of my best friends(a girl) and that was that... she ended back in my arms at the end of the night, rdy to have at it with me. She knows what she wants, she's told me. When I was down at her place a couple weeks ago her roommate wasn't home. She told me this weekend that she was fantasizing that it was our place, and she also thought "I want to cook and clean for this." I hope this helps give some background info. I wouldn't call it experimenting as it's nothing new. The only words I've gotten out of her about it "It's just fun and really hot". Should I ask her to explain her views on it so I can understand where she is coming from? If so... How?

[Wildcat21]

I don't thin kshe's bi at all. Just curious. She wants to experiment.

I'd let her.

I don't think she will go pla yfor the other team.

[mrsmoz]

If my boyfriend asked me if he could have sex with another guy I would be so angry, I see it as cheating and I would think he was gay!!

Your girlfriend obviously thinks there is nothing wrong with it, if she did think it was wrong she wouldn't of asked and would have done it behind your back.

You need to let her know that it has hurt you and you see it as cheating. If she still wants to do it after you have explained your feelings then she has no respect for you and is not a good girlfriend.

Xx

[Geektwist]

I agree that it is cheating. Having any type of sexual contact with another person while in a monogmus relationship is cheating. Try to sit her down and have her tell you how she is feeling about other girls. Then decide if you can deal with it.

That's what I want to do, but I'm not sure how to bring it up.

shouldnt she be channeling that sexual energy into your relationship?

That's the way I feel, but I had a friend of mine try to explain that a lot of girls don't see it like that when it's the same sex. That maybe it's just an urge that she needs to fulfill every now and then. She's obviously happy with me and our relationship.

____________

Lowtax, I know she isn't looking for a threesom. She just wants another girl everynow and then.

It's not expiermenting. She's not old to it, she's admitted that.

[manimuth]

I wouldn't call it experimenting as it's nothing new. The only words I've gotten out of her about it "It's just fun and really hot". Should I ask her to explain her views on it so I can understand where she is coming from? If so... How?

Ok, so then, are you willing to have a 3some with her and another girl? If you are OK with this, then let her know that you are willing to share her fantasies with her. Its OK for a couple to mutually consent to exploring fantasies.
But since you both agreed to be exclusive, I agree with what you called cheating. And you should stick to that. Yes, sit down and talk to her about everything on your mind.

[Geektwist]

Ok, so then, are you willing to have a 3some with her and another girl? If you are ok with this, then let her know that you are willing to share her fantasies with her. Its ok for a couple to mutually consent to exploring fantasies.

I have in the past, but not with her. I didn't do anything to the other girl the first time and everything seemed fine. It was hot and sexy, but still felt "pure" B/c I was still only with the person I was in a relationship with. The 2nd time we tried it, however, I got a little more active with the other girl, and that caused a lot of problems. I'm not even sure she wants a threesome for that matter.

[kp2171]

Sex is complicated enough because were dumb people who don't talk about it.

The more you talk about sex honestly, the better it will be generally.

I think you don't have a lot of room to judge here. You've experimented. She wants to as well.

I think it has to be in the context of the relationship. If a married person who has taken vows writes in about this, we are in arms at the other partners lack of respect for the vows.

But you aren't married.

And you both do have more "room" to push the boundaries within the context of the relationship.

So its up to you. Maybe that release would keep her happy and interested in you as you accept her desires. Maybe it's a passing thing.

At some point shell likely have to decide what most important to her... fitting into the context of a "traditional" relationship or satisfying her sexual desires outside that context.

[manimuth]

I have in the past, but not with her. I didn't do anything to the other girl the first time and everything seemed fine. It was hot and sexy, but still felt "pure" B/c I was still only with the person I was in a relationship with. The 2nd time we tried it, however, I got a little more active with the other girl, and that caused a lot of problems. I'm not even sure she wants a threesome for that matter.

To be clear about what you want, is this true?:
1) If she has sex alone with a girl, you consider this cheating
2) You are willing to have a 3some with her but don't know if she does
3) If you are in a 3some, you stick to your partner and that is OK with you

So now, we just got to find out what SHE wants. And for this, you got to do the dirty work and ASK her. Tell her what you want and how you feel. Find out how she feels and find a common ground. Maybe you can compromise and work something out.

[Geektwist]

She's had a threesome with 2 other girls... Can you still consider that her wanting to expierment? Maybe I'm looking at that word too much into it's deffinition. I've also thought about that. If I let her fulfill that urge then she will probably be happier with me, but I don't know if it's worth sacrificeing my own feelings to make her happy and this relationship work.

How should I approach a talk like this? Without making her feel like I'm attacking her or sounding like I'm saying it's wrong.

[Geektwist]

To be clear about what you want, is this true?:
1) If she has sex alone with a girl, you consider this cheating
2) You are willing to have a 3some with her but don't know if she does
3) If you are in a 3some, you stick to your partner and that is ok with you

So now, we just gotta find out what SHE wants. And for this, you gotta do the dirty work and ASK her. Tell her what you want and how you feel. Find out how she feels and find a common ground. Maybe you can compromise and work something out.

To answer your questions:
1) In my head it's cheating. Sex = emotional for me. I have a hard time understanding sex w/o emotion, I guess. And I'm thinking that's how she views sex with girls. If it's behind my back w/o me knowing it's 100% cheating. If I knew and she asked me, I'm shocked more then anything. It seems like she should want that with me.

2)Sorta, I'm not really into that whole thing anymore. I've expierenced it, and it was nothing like the movies. Not real special, kind of awkward etc. Not saying that I wouldn't. Just not on my agenda. I'm still enjoying learning everything about her in bed. Don't want to throw someone else in the mix just yet for sure. I love her and I want to make her happy, in everyway. Right now my focus is on her only.

3) If a 3some ever happened for me again, I wouldn't be involved with the 3rd party. It caused problems before. I would let her have fun with the other girl while I had fun with her.

[manimuth]

She's had a threesome with 2 other girls... Can you still consider that her wanting to expierment? Maybe I'm looking at that word to much into it's deffinition. I've also thought about that. If I let her fulfill that urge then she will probably be happier with me, but I don't know if it's worth sacrificeing my own feelings to make her happy and this relationship work.
How should I approach a talk like this? Without making her feel like I'm attacking her or sounding like I'm saying it's wrong.

In my opinion, she is bisexual. But, this has nothing to do with being in a committed relationship with you. Just because you are bisexual does not mean that you cannot be in a committed, monogamous relationship with either a man or a woman. The only thing this may mean is that the person you are committed to may not be able to meet all your sexual needs and fantasies. So, this is where role playing, 3somes, and fantasies, become part of a healthy, committed relationship.

Letting her "fulfill that urge" does not involve cheating. There are other ways you can compromise so that you are not left out or hurt. No, it is not worth sacrificing your own feelings. The better word is compromise.

How to approach a talk about this depends on how you communicate best. If you do not see her often, wait until you do see her and tell her that there is something on your mind you want to clear up and talk about. Does she usually take a defensive position when you talk? There is no reason she should feel attacked if you calmly let her know what has been on your mind.

[talaniman]

You do need to talk and clarify your understanding of the important things she is telling you and more importantly how this will impact the relationship. I also think she is bi-sexual, enjoys sex with both sexes and is not experimenting but already knows what she likes. Whether you can find a position in this that you are comfortable with is up to you. She is asking upfront for your permission to be with other females, and that's good but she has openly shown that she will not hide whatever she does. It is your best interest to hold an honest conversation to clear up any confusion about your feelings. She is not confused at all. What you consider cheating, she considers it fun. Talk and listen and make her aware of your honest feelings.