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Myk · Nov 26, 2012, 07:54 AM

I have a friend who when we are both single we tend to end up in bed together.
A few days ago he asked me for a threesome... does this mean he has no respect for me or he enjoys new sexual experiences with me ?

dontknownuthin · Nov 26, 2012, 07:59 AM

It means neither of you have any self-respect, neither of you have very good morals about sexuality, neither of you understand that there are emotional consequences to taking a friendship in a sexual direction, that neither of you respect each other, and that both of you just want sex no matter the cost.

There's a reason for old fashioned values. You figure out how you feel about the other person, how they feel about you and whether there's a practical, moral, spiritual, financial, social, psychological commitment between you before you go to bed. It's not about just you - this kind of dumb relationship often results in children who deserve to be born into some kind of life circumstances a notch or two above a booty call.

End the friendship - it's mutually destructive. Start over by dating romantic interests and drawing boundaries with friends. And don't go to bed with someone with whom you are not at least in a very seriousy committed relationship.

joypulv · Nov 26, 2012, 08:10 AM

I'm not so much into morals as I am about your respect for yourself. If you are wondering about his respect for you, and need to ask strangers online what he is thinking (or what someone in general is thinking), then you should back out of this whole deal until you have a clear sense of where he stands and how you feel about it. I cringe at this whole 'friends with benefits' term, but I'm an old lady. Not that I didn't do plenty when I was young in the Free Love days. Maybe it's the same thing with new names. I got hurt sometimes then, as do people today, and it may ever be thus.

dontknownuthin · Nov 26, 2012, 09:18 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

I'm not so much into morals as I am about your respect for yourself. If you are wondering about his respect for you, and need to ask strangers online what he is thinking (or what someone in general is thinking), then you should back out of this whole deal until you have a clear sense of where he stands and how you feel about it. I cringe at this whole 'friends with benefits' term, but I'm an old lady. Not that I didn't do plenty when I was young in the Free Love days. Maybe it's the same thing with new names. I got hurt sometimes then, as do people today, and it may ever be thus.

You might want to rethink your stand on morals. Moral values are getting a bad rap these days, kind of like manners. Morals are meant to be rules for living so that we can stand to be around each other, and so that our lives turn out well. Every society and every religion have these values, and they tend to be pretty much the same across the board. Don't lie, cheat, steal, sleep around, cheat on your spouse, kill. These are morals. When you don't follow them, you suffer consequences which can be serious and life changing.

One such consequence for having sex with a friend is that inevitably, one person starts to love the other and wants a relationship and the other doesn't. The one who has loving feelings in the relationship is consenting to being used, so has given up any moral ground to being treated better. See the point of the moral in this situation? Nothing good comes of it.

For me, in my life, the morals are based on the rules for what I believe pleases God, but as an adult I recognize that if I want to please myself, I need to live a moral life. I do not want to be used in my relationships. I do not want to be arrested. I do not want to hurt my friends and family. I want a good life, and through living morally, I have one. It's not perfect, but you know the things that have hurt me the most are a direct result of a few immoral decisions I did make years ago.

There's a big movement to just accept everything people do but you will be well served to raise the bar in your own life and demand more of yourself. If you want to know why it matters, it matters because it makes your life better.

joypulv · Nov 26, 2012, 09:57 AM

I think some of the things people ascribe to morals actually fall under ethics. I am all in favor of ethics. Morality to me is tied to religion, while ethics are tied to reason. Values I think of the term used for personal beliefs about either.
Lie, cheat, steal, murder - ethics.
If someone's religion also says don't do them, they fall under morals.

A threesome that isn't cheating on anyone or hurting anyone - although certainly not moral to many, and lacking in values to many, isn't unethical.

Oliver2011 · Nov 26, 2012, 12:22 PM

You are friends with benefits - what does respect have to do with anything? If you care about him more than that, which you might since you are worried about this, I doubt if seeing him intimate with someone else will make you any happier or more content. I know I couldn't stand it.

slapshot_oi · Nov 27, 2012, 03:52 PM

Originally Posted by Myk

A few days ago he asked me for a threesome.....does this mean he has no respect for me or he enjoys new sexual experiences with me ?

Are you actually friends with benefits, or do you have feelings for this guy? Because in a true FWB situation, this question would not even be raised.

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

It means neither of you have any self-respect, neither of you have very good morals about sexuality, neither of you understand that there are emotional consequences to taking a friendship in a sexual direction, that neither of you respect each other, and that both of you just want sex no matter the cost.

You sound like a really fun person.

Alty · Nov 27, 2012, 04:05 PM

You're friends with benefits. That means that when you have sex, it's about sex, not a relationship or love.

The perfect person to ask to have a threesome is someone you don't plan on having a meaningful relationship with. It's not about respect, you only respect those that you commit to. It would be disrespectful for him to ask a girlfriend to do this. You're not a girlfriend, you're a girl he has sex with once and a while.

I probably know more about this situation than anyone that's posted so far, because I did have a threesome with a friend with benefits, and his best friend. Sadly, and this is not something I like to admit, none of us were single. We were young, we were stupid, and even though that night was fun, it ended horribly. I got the brunt of it. The two girls they were dating, were sisters, and they knew the guy I was dating (which I was unaware of when we did this). The one guy felt guilty and told his girlfriend, and after that the fit hit the shan.

I ended up getting the crap beat out of me by my then boyfriend, and had two sisters that wanted to finish the job he started. I always found it funny that no one seemed to be mad at the two guys. They were just as guilty as me, but were forgiven by the girls. In fact, one of them ended up marrying the girl he was dating. It only lasted a year.

In the end, it was an experience. I can't say it was a good one. But, 20 plus years later, those two guys and I, we're still friends. We just don't do the benefits thing anymore. :)

joypulv · Nov 27, 2012, 04:14 PM

Good story, Alty.
I was just thinking about how it's the girls/women who get the raw deal in friends with benefits. It seems to be a tangent off sexual equality, when that may never really happen.

dontknownuthin · Nov 27, 2012, 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Are you actually friends with benefits, or do you have feelings for this guy? Because in a true FWB situation, this question would not even be raised.

You sound like a really fun person.

If sleeping with someone I don't respect who doesn't respect me is required for fun, nope - I'm very fun. Then again, I don't have any unplanned kids, never had a venereal disease, never used anyone in a relationship and haven't been used either. I don't think those things are much fun, either. What IS fun? Sex with someone you love who loves you back - you can loose all inhibitions when there's trust and respect - now that's a good time!

Alty · Nov 27, 2012, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

If sleeping with someone I don't respect who doesn't respect me is required for fun, nope - I'm very fun. Then again, I don't have any unplanned kids, never had a venereal disease, never used anyone in a relationship and haven't been used either. I don't think those things are much fun, either. What IS fun? Sex with someone you love who loves you back - you can loose all inhibitions when there's trust and respect - now that's a good time!

While I do agree, a threesome is something many people try. It isn't always a bad thing. If it's talked about, planned, rules set in place, and everyone involved isn't with someone else, then it's not really that bad.

Judge not... you know the rest. ;)

When you're young, before you meet someone you love, sometimes you do things you wouldn't do when you're older. I do agree that a threesome with someone you claim to love, and who claims to love you, is bull. If you love someone you don't ask them to include another person into your relationship. Then again, that's my opinion, and others would disagree.

I have to say, everything I've done, good and bad, has led me to where I am now. Married for 17 years, two beautiful children, a house, and love. Had I made other choices I may not have ended up here.