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talaniman · Dec 30, 2012, 08:17 AM

Glad you are finally seeing the reality of your situation. The dust from your emotional fall out is finally setttling and that's how it should be. More will be revealed to you as you continue your healing.

jojo6590 · Dec 30, 2012, 10:48 AM

I don't know if it's healing or not but I still have those memories. I still think about all the awckward things he did or said to me, but the final episode which was his messages strange and saying that I am the worst person ever, his closest friend told me that he was drunk then but he never did apologize... He was trying to get back to normal for one week I was making efforts because I felt he was doing the same and then blowing out everything because of that friend that I trusted when I was feeling things were not right with him... he mentioned me to the other apparently and he didn't like me talking to his friend!! I don't know whom to believe.. rather complicated and worthless I don't want to understand anymore, all I want is to forget and avoid any rebounds...

jojo6590 · Jan 1, 2013, 02:59 PM

A new year with old thoughts... not the best thing ever! I was just wondering why it is sometimes so difficult for an ex to be just friends!! It's over and it's OK but why becoming enemies? I made efforts to try to be just friends with him... he didn't miss a chance to talk about sex, the simple fact of saying I'm going to bed gives him such an imagination... he said he has a next close female friend so soon, I said I was happy for him which was partly true... but when I said I kissed a boy who wanted to date me at a party, he said he was jealous... strange story! Then he confessed that his dreams are maybe haunted by a night with me even if he thinks I'm a real pain... he seems to have a lot of female friends, why did it bother him so much to just stay friends with one more girl? I know I'm talking again about my ex but at some point I still can't get what he meant by all his nonsense, he was the one to say that we still have things to say to each other and we both tried to act normally without his being rude most of the time, but he called me two days later because of his chatty friend who couldn't keep a secret when he's drunk, and said "get out of my life", I surely don't want to be with such an unstable guy but I am still wondering and wondering whenever I am on my own... I don't talk to him anymore, that's the best thing I can do, one week ago whenever I felt depressed I tended to write him something, he said that he was used to those messages who look like those of a desperate teenager! He said a lot of awful things to me, I still have them in mind... I wish I could just wake up and forget about all this...

talaniman · Jan 1, 2013, 10:56 PM

You will in time but not in a week or two. Maybe months or a year depending on what you do with yourself when you are alone or bored.

jojo6590 · Jan 12, 2013, 08:49 AM

I am feeling better little by little, even though it's still not that easy, I'm looking at things differently, yesterday, the students around reminded me of the episode od the other guy that I dated for one night and who ended up with me that night without anything happening between us... this guy that I reluctantly got rid of the next morning without even asking what's next? I was depressed and ended with him as a rebound, he was nicer than ever, I really liked him, but I couldn't help acting that way, yesterday, I saw him again at a party and couldn't find a way to talk back, he was looking at me sometimes, I tried to contact him twice and he didn't answer. I said OK! But seeing him at a party knowing that it was unclear in my head made me avoid him again, especially with this big pressure around from the other students who are just unbearable, when they see a girl talking to someone, all they think about is what kind of story about it they are going to make. I don't like them talking about me, my ex was from another university and no one knew him here, so I was left alone but now with this guy, who was apparently nice but now is not talking to me anymore, I should admit that apart from a message I never tried to talk to him directly and God knows that I got several times the chance to. I couldn't find a way to talk back to him just to make things clear, "it happened only because I was depressed that night nothing more!" and my reaction in the morning was on the same line. I don't know what to think, for me it was a little embarrassing, seeing him around without that explanation. I don't know what to think or do.

talaniman · Jan 12, 2013, 09:15 AM

You let it go, and don't let peer pressure make you relive this incident and doubt yourself any more.

You cannot control what others say, but you can control what YOU do about it.

This fellow has had plenty of chances to say whatever he wants to and he has NOT. So forget it.

jojo6590 · Jan 12, 2013, 09:30 AM

I can't help just forgetting and letting it go, I just feel guilty about it, I know that all he wanted that night was to get me and he almost did it, I'm quite sure he felt frustrated because there was no sex although I expected him just to go away when I said no, he might think she sleeps with guys and then sends them away which is not true, I wish I had acted differently, maybe just explaining that night that I was not feeling good, and never accepting him to spend the night with me too! An explanation is not a way to get him back or make things restart! Why do they all think that? Whenever I think about talking to him, I see faces of others peers saying "oh yeah! what's next?". If I were in his shoes, I surely would have acted the same, why talking to someone with whom it could have been serious and who sent me away the next morning! But if I know why, I will maybe change my mind and see things differently!

talaniman · Jan 12, 2013, 10:02 AM

In time you will see things differently on your own, and maybe not be a slave to the peer pressure, and guilt feelings you now have.

Why do they all think that?

Peers your age usually get together and gossip and speculate, and create drama to amuse themselves. IMMATURE. And should be discounted as serious or relevant to you as you go through the healing process from your own break up.

Its normal to want to do something to better your circumstances or correct a perceived mistake but sometimes acting on feelings without the benefit of a lot of thought and the facts is a mistake in of itself, so do NOTHING until you are sure it's the best, or right thing to do.

jojo6590 · Jan 12, 2013, 10:11 AM

It's all about gossip, and I find it just unbearable and perfectly immature, they don't know anything about me or my life and as soon as they see something they go and build a whole story, especially when it's around a guy who is well known at university! Yesterday, before the party, they were shouting my name and saying I don't know what under my window, it was really annoying and made me feel bad, so bad that I sent my ex a message without expecting any answer, I don't know even why actually, of course, there was no answer, they are making me sick all the time... I wish I could just ignore it, but as I said, I don't know why I feel that I missed something with that guy and so I deserve what's happening to me now! And that's where the guilt comes from, that's so confusing!

dontknownuthin · Jan 12, 2013, 10:16 AM

I think it's OK to need a relationship if you are lonely. A lot of people do not understand that they get treated exactly as they demand to be treated much of the time. You put yourself in a really dangerous situation going home with that guy. You could have been date raped and are very fortunate that this person you barely knew was not that type of man.

Still, it was not a good way to start a relationship. When you are out and meet a cute guy, it's fine to talk to him in the bar or at the party but don't go home with him the first night. If he pushes for you to come home with him or even suggests it, you can respond, "not tonight but maybe you could text me?" Give him your phone number or let him ask for it. In other words, "I'm not the kind of girl who will go home with a random guy, but you're intriguing and you an ask me out". If a guy calls you for a booty call, "why don't you come over?", you aren't available. If a guy calls and says, "I had fun meeting you. I was wondering if you'd let me take you to dinner?" that's a "yes". It's not about a free dinner - it's about how you are demonstrating that you should be viewed - not booty call material, girlfriend material.

A lot - even most - guys aren't going to follow through. Good for you. That's called culling through the weeds! The good one - the keeper - will ask you out and will take his time before he puts on the heavy moves. Keep those standards - nothing more than a quick kiss goodnight the first night, even if you're dying for more. Let him ask you out again. Go out with him several times before you go back to his place, and even then, go home. Do not stay over, even to sleep fully clothed, until you are into a committed relationship with him.

And be really careful with the drinking. You need to always be in condition to get yourself out of bad situations and safely home, and when you drink too much, you make yourself vulnerable to some really terrible outcomes.

jojo6590 · Jan 12, 2013, 10:35 AM

yeah I agree with everything you said! But that night I was really frail and needed just someone to hug me and make me forget, I felt so lonely that I accepted him spending the night with me! My ex destroyed every little good thing in me, that's what I was feeling that night. I'm not that kind of girl, I have never acted this way, and that's what 's making me feel ashamed and guilty, here at university, random things used to happen so often, they rarely end up serious and I knew it, I've seen how the girls around act and how they are treated. I stumbled upon a very nice guy who was the one I got to know little by little, I even fell in love with him, he was my boyfriend for 4 months, he ended up cheating on me through a random hook up apparently, he said it was an accident, I held a grudge against all the people who accept such random things, it made me suffer, and now after another breakup, I was so depressed that I ended up doing what I despise most. Which is going for random things, I know it was dangerous but I was just blinded by so many things that night... I try to be careful with the drinking, I have seen people in really bad condition, and I will never reach that state... Now, I don't know what to do to just start over and let it go! Talk back to that guy, I didn't have the courage yesterday, it would have eased my mind maybe!

talaniman · Jan 12, 2013, 10:41 AM

QUOTE by jojo6590;
It's all about gossip, and I find it just unbearable and perfectly immature, they don't know anything about me or my life and as soon as they see something they go and build a whole story, especially when it's around a guy who is well known at university!

LOL, thats what a pack of young people do, with you or anyone else so I doubt you are the only targets of their immature behavior. May seem like it, but you are not

yesterday, before the party, they were shouting my name and saying I don't know what under my window, it was really annoying and made me feel bad, so bad that I sent my ex a message without expecting any answer, I don't know even why actually, of course, there was no answer, they are making me sick all the time...

Texting your ex over this wasn't the way to handle yourself was it? Why would you react this way over the immature actions of others?

I wish I could just ignore it, but as I said, I don't know why I feel that I missed something with that guy and so I deserve what's happening to me now! And that's where the guilt comes from, that's so confusing!

Maybe a close examination of your own feelings and actions and reaction would shed a better light on why you feel the way they do. An honest self evaluation may clarify your own confusion.

Talaniman Rule- Always try to stay cool, calm, and collected, and in control of yourself. No matter what the circumstances.

dontknownuthin · Jan 12, 2013, 10:46 AM

I think it would be worthwhile for you to go to your university counseling service and talk through things, too. Some things I think would be good for you to work on are first, not putting all your happiness in someone else's hands. You need to keep some perspective in a newer dating relationship in particular. Four months is a really new, short-term relationship. You have to maintain your friendships, interests, classes, and view the dating thing not as "everything" but as a light, fun new interest that has potential to grow into something more.

The other thing that's important to learn is this "I needed to be held" thing is not a healthy way of thinking. You need to meet your own needs and be OK alone before you can have a good relationship. It's nice being held, but frankly, we have to be able to take care of ourselves when we're lonely or sad. A man cannot fill a bottomless well of emotional need for you, and most will turn tail and run the moment it becomes apparent you have that degree of need.

You need to feel complete on your own. What guys want are to be with girls who make life fun, lighten the load by providing a respite from their hard classes, jobs, money struggles. When you're in a relationship, sure, you hep each other through tough bouts - it's nice to make the guy cookies if he is killing himself to pass his worst class ever. It's nice if he comforts you if your grandparent dies. But if his job becomes "making you whole" or "helping you through a hard time", ugh.

Other posters have suggested you are too needy. What they mean is that your expectations that a guy will meet your needs are unrealistic and a turnoff. So go to counseling (free for most college kids) and work through those needs on your own. Take care of that problem. Then when you meet the right guy, you can keep all the garbage and bad feelings from your past bad experiences from ruining a new one. You can actually have fun with your dates. Faking that you're the fun girl won't work either. I'm sure you ARE a fun girl, but you're hurting. So take care of the hurt independently, and change your view on the purpose of men in your life. They aren't there to save you - they are there to enjoy being with you.

jojo6590 · Jan 12, 2013, 10:52 AM

For texting my ex, it was like saying in public "just leave me alone I already have something to think about and you really don't know anything about me, the texting tendency among the students is a real fashion, the more you text the more successful you are! That's what they make you think, I really got trapped in their prejudices and went the way they want every girl to go, falling in those stereotypes is one thing I really don't like. The pressure they put me in, asking how are things going with my boyfriend or when I am single, is there a hook up or anything new in the air!! When they catch something they make a whole drama and develop things and exaggerate to live in their fantasy!

dontknownuthin · Jan 12, 2013, 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by jojo6590

For texting my ex, it was like saying in public "just leave me alone I already have something to think about and you really don't know anything about me, the texting tendency among the students is a real fashion, the more you text the more successful you are! that's what they make you think, I really got trapped in their prejudices and went the way they want every girl to go, falling in those stereotypes is one thing I really don't like. the pressure they put me in, asking how are things going with my boyfriend or when I am single, is there a hook up or anything new in the air!!! when they catch something they make a whole drama and develop things and exaggerate to live in their fantasy!

You are an adult woman now and have to rise about this silliness. Seriously - texting more makes you more popular? Nobody cares how much you text, seriously. Everyone else is worried about how they are being perceived - they are not focusing that much on you.

Manage your relationships like an adult woman. A casual hook-up is not going to treat you like a girlfriend. Texting about personal things is poor form, no matter what generation you're in. Getting drunk to the point you can't get across a college campus to your own bed is dangerous and irresponsible. Setting low standards will result in low results.

You cannot possibly be so weak that you send text messages to be more popular.

Text messages are fine for a bit of humor, to confirm some plans, to say, "hey, want to grab a burger with me? Hungry!!!!" But it's not the right forum to negotiate the terms of an adult relationship - that requires an in-person conversation. And your epersonal relationships need to be between you and another person - not material to feed the furnace to make people feel you have enough man drama to be important. You really lost me with this last post - you should know it sounds terribly silly and immature.

jojo6590 · Jan 12, 2013, 11:17 AM

Oh I know it's silly and immature and childish, That's the way I acted all along, I tried to be the easy fun girl which was not the case, I am funny and my friends like me so much, (my best friend went to saying he's in love with me... ), I am a successful student usually and have big goals in life, greater than any silliness but lately, I got trapped in those stereotypes, some of my friends are deserting the group.. I was going through hard times away from my family because of studies, I reconsidered everything in myself and tried to change although I was really successful. My professional success was not enough somehow, I lived for my studies and ignored all the signs any boys sent me, I was going up and up in my studies, I was having fun with friends, some boys tried to date me in vain, I had no time for them apart from a dance at a party! But then I met someone and it got serious and I got really emotional and emotions were blinding me, I really fell like ever before for him, he did what he did and we broke up it took me more than 2 months a lot of tears and a last conversation with him to think I recovered... and then things got really faster, the boys to whom I said no were now once again coming and I was pretending to accept to fill the emotional gap, I was demanding and wanted my last boyfriend to give me detailed reports about his daily life(as the other one did) especially as we were on different campuses... it was through texting to fill that gap, he was not ready for that, and it went down and down to reach the deepest bottom which is going with a random guy after a party... that's the evolution! I am myself disappointed but anyway we have to learn from our mistakes...

dontknownuthin · Jan 12, 2013, 05:29 PM

So I think you have this figured out. The first thing is, you're going to keep doing what you're doing well - excelling in school. That's why you're there and no matter who comes in and out of your life, you are stuck with yourself for life,so your success has to be paramount in importance.

You took some time to recover from a disappointing and painful breakup and you did some things that were self-destructive in that process. You know it wasn't the right way to manage it, so you learned something and it was a worthwhile experience. Fortunately nothing terrible came of those mistakes. You can go to counseling now and work through your remaining grief, talk through things and maybe develop some coping strategies because, I hate to say it but you may have more disappointments and breakups in your future.

You also have learned that your need for constant updates from men you are dating annoys and suffocates them. It is absolutely exhausting to have to continually check in and constantly build someone up and convince them of our feelings, so you need to stop expecting that. By having balance in your own life and developing perspective, and practicing self control, you can act differently next time. Because this is something you struggle with, let the man set the pace next time. If you have a real reason to text, like to invite him to your party, sure. But to just check in and check in and check in and check in - no. He doesn't work for you, he dates you. He will share what he wants you to know.

It seems you're looking for proof and reassurance, and more reassurance, that the guy wants to be with you. Counseling can help you work through this perceived need. You're giving the guy too much control over your happiness. You have fun, let him do what he likes and you make an assessment based on what he does voluntarily. You can't nag a person into loving you more.

jojo6590 · Jan 12, 2013, 05:53 PM

Absolutely right, I have to say that I really did wrong on the whole and having to deal with those issues made me neglect my studies... I have some difficulties to completely focus on my first goal, I don't want to have any bad adventures at all, I don't want anyone to have power over my happiness, he can make me happier but I have to make myself happy, when I am in a relationship, I become totally devoted and just want the other one to do absolutely the same, and my emotions just blind my reason. I act like an idiot then and wonder why everything is not OK, that was how it turned to be with my ex, but he did a lot of things to make me feel down... with the last hook up, I acted indifferent and regretted it, I was afraid of any other kind of commitment which might lead to another disappointment, and I know even if it seemed like a hook up, I could have drawn something from it, the guy was totally falling for me that night, it got me scared and I almost ran away after spending a good night, it's over, I won't talk to him maybe, I will leave it to time.

jojo6590 · Jan 14, 2013, 09:00 AM

I want to say some things: I just don't get how people work! I know I did a mistake by spending the night with that guy, it was absolutely wrong and I have never ever acted that way before, and it was even worse when I made him leave without even asking if there will be something next, I remember saying indifferently that he could come later and was again relieved when he said that he couldn't, but now I wish I could have acted differently, I am still seeing him almost every day, I don't look at him, I avoid that, I still feel the need of talking to him because I want to know what he trully wanted that night and was I as guilty as I feel to be? He might have told his friends things that were not true, he didn't get what he apparently wanted but just stayed with me, why? The next morning, I asked him to wake up and made him feel that I wanted to study and that I don't have time for him, he just kissed me and left. But the day after, we stumble upon each other and do as if we didn't even know each other, I didn't make an effort to talk to him, I was so obsessed with my own grief and I ignored him except 2 useless messages that he never answered... it's not about nagging someone into loving me, it's just making things clear and talking to take away some guilt. It's still too confused in my head and I can't trust any boy for now, I still have a lot of pressure from all around, they still talk about it the other students, I don't have the details of what they say and I actually don't care, but for my own sake, just talking with him will maybe bring me peace, wouldn't it? It's also urgent because I'm seeing him more and more and it's just annoying for me every time I see him...

Homegirl 50 · Jan 14, 2013, 09:56 AM

Well go up to him and ask him if you could talk to him about something. Make a date for coffee and tell him what you are thinking. Otherwise this will go on and on.He may be angry, this may all be nothing but you will at least have your say so you can either walk away or be friends.