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SomeoneHelp · Mar 13, 2007, 02:34 AM

Hi,

I really need some help, so please take time to read through my long post.

I was born in a conservative society. My parents went lots of hardships to bring me up. They loved me as a child and I loved them too. I was young so we didn't have any problems back then.

Then my dad moved to west and worked hard to bring rest of us there with him. I went to school in west so I have a western mentality. Real problems between us started when I left school. He TOLD me what I was doing after school. He has been doing it every since. He tells me everything now, like where I should be working part-time (I have already changed 1 job because of him)

It all got real bad last month when they found out I had a GF (and that too of different race) They got mad. They did everything to break us up. Finally they agreed for me to keep her but without any future commitment. Since then, our relationship is going from bad to worse. They are immensely nosy now. They intrude my privacy all they time. They check my phone, wallet, car when I am away or sleeping. When I confronted them about it, they said they are allowed (I'm 19 for sakes)

They now keep an eye on me on everything I do, everywhere I go. If I go to work, they ring up and check on me. I am not allowed out late. When I come home from anything I have to answer 2000 questions. I have only been out once clubbing in my whole life!

Today it got even worse, when my dad asked me for my bank statement. I refused straightaway. He then threatened me that he will take away my computer, TV and the car because he paid for all this. Then he asked me to do what he says in life or he will make me do it HIS way. They even tell me what to wear when I go out somewhere with them. They threatened me for not following our religion but I want to live my life as a atheist. They FORCE me to come to Church with them. All this is killing me, my self-esteem and my purpose to live. I am a puppet for them. We always bicker about small issues. Recently, our printer broke down, and he blamed it on me. I haven't touched it since ages so I was very upset and I cried in my room for at least 2 hours. I am losing respect and love for them. Sometimes I just feel like screaming and yelling at them.

I was grown up in a culture where you live with your parents until you are old enough and then your parents live with you. Parents and children living separate is considered as shame to the family. I respect my family so moving out is out of question.

Please help me. What should I do? I am really getting sick of this living.. .

Thanks a lot.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 13, 2007, 03:03 AM

You have respect for your family but they do not have repect for you. I understand your from a different culture. What would you rather have? Your family control your whole life and never have a life for yourself or would you like to have peace and rough it out on your own. That is the only way your going to get ahead in life. Especially if you actually want to be with a girl that you care about, you can not have family stalking you everywhere you go.

What do you do. You move out.

Joe

SomeoneHelp · Mar 13, 2007, 03:16 AM

Deep inside I know they care about me. They just have a real bad way of showing it.

I am intentionally hiding Country names to avoid people making stereotypical assumptions.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 13, 2007, 03:24 AM

Why would anybody make any sterotypical assumptions for?

JoeCanada76 · Mar 13, 2007, 03:26 AM

Not every family is the same. I know a family from columbia they are very strict and mean and they did try to break up a marriage. That was just one family. The rest of the family are kind, loving and caring and actually are very normal in there way of life. So even if you do come from a country, I do not care where but each country has there families where there are good and bad. So for you to be afraid of actually naming your country does tell a lot about you. You should never ever be ashamed of where you come from.

SomeoneHelp · Mar 13, 2007, 03:33 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Not every family is the same. I know a family from columbia they are very strict and mean and they did try to break up a marriage. That was just one family. The rest of the family are kind, loving and caring and actually are very normal in there way of life. So even if you do come from a country, I do not care where but each country has there families where there are good and bad. So for you to be afraid of actually naming your country does tell a lot about you. You should never ever be ashamed of where you come from.

No, I am not hiding my country because I am ashmed. I am hiding so that people on this website do not make assumptions that "Every parents from this country must be like them", or "This country is too conservative"

You get me?

curlybenswife · Mar 13, 2007, 03:49 AM

Oh bless you I really don't think that anyone would be that judgemental and if they are well it shows just how sad the worlds become.
I don't honestly know what to say about your parents sweetheart to be honest but they really do need to listen and hear your feelings and remember you are a person in your own right.
I was bullied by my father for many years until one day I snaped and I screamed back it's a shame it came to it but it did make him shut up and listen I really do hope you find a way to make them see that what they are doing is pushing you away and making you very sad.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 13, 2007, 05:35 AM

Originally Posted by SomeoneHelp

No, I am not hiding my country because I am ashmed. I am hiding so that people on this website do not make assumptions that "Every parents from this country must be like them", or "This country is too conservative"

You get me?

Honestly, No I do not get you. I do not care how concervative the country is. I personally and no one else here would be judgemental but I still think it is very said that you think that that is what would happen.

I have had my own personal experiances with a step father. It got so physical near the end like fighting, which I never innitiated or fought back but I had to leave. I left with the clothes in a hockey bag and never looked back. I took a bus and went half way cross the country.

So anyway, now your turn.

Joe

shygrneyzs · Mar 13, 2007, 05:47 AM

What you are experiencing is not uncommon for any 19 year old still living at home. It does not matter what your culture or religion or family origin. To truly come to terms with your restrictions does not sound likely. The best advice is for you to step out on your own, get your own place, get a full time job so you can support yourself ( and not need your parents for support). Your Father is correct in something's here. He is paying for everything. You are not contributing to the household.

So get off your duff and get busy, trying to find and procure the avenues that will lead you to independence. Despite of what you say your cultural mores are, you do not believe in them any longer. You feel they are too restrictive and are hampering you as a young adult. So you need to take the steps toward your own adulthood. If you want to be treated as an adult, you need to act like one. You say you still respect your family, so moving out is out of the question. I would dare say that the real reason for not moving out is that you know you cannot take care of yourself.

Are you still in college? What prevents you from getting a full time job? Stepping into the responsibilities to gain the privileges you want is all part of growing up. Your family will argue with you, but you have to stand on your own two feet here. Millions of people have been in those same shoes you are wearing now and have survived. You can too.

You need to sit down and develop a plan toward independence. Decide what you want, how you will go about obtaining those things, the steps you will need to take. Set goals for yourself and then get busy. Stop complaining about what you feel you do not have, instead take that same energy and apply it to growing up.

When it comes to family values and customs, you may well need to set your own standards. Good luck to you. It will not be easy, but from what you have stated here, you are so miserable now - how much worse could it be for you? At least you would only be responsible for your own actions and have only yourself to look to, for the answers.

SomeoneHelp · Mar 13, 2007, 06:23 AM

Thank you all for your answers. I am certainly getting some light.

One thing you are wrong is about moving out. I never had any plans for it - not that I couldn't afford it, but because of reasons stated above. I am a goal-oriented person, so if I had it in my goals, say at 16, I would surely would have been out of here by now. I never thought this day would come.

I do work but I just used to work part-time. From next week I will be working 6 days/week until the day I can proudly say I don't need anyone's support.

Thanks again. If anymore suggestions please keep them coming. Especially on improving my relationship with my family, while I'm around them.

SomeoneHelp · Mar 13, 2007, 06:31 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Honestly, No I do not get you. I do not care how concervative the country is. I personally and no one else here would be judgemental but I still think it is very said that you think that that is what would happen.

Joe

I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend anybody.

curlybenswife · Mar 13, 2007, 06:34 AM

You certainly haven't offended me and it is totally up to you, should you wish to keep your wareabouts to yourself and I respect you for that.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 13, 2007, 06:51 AM

It's a big world out here and its changing exponentially, as you no doubt realise. No culture is immune to what effects this "Age of Information" brings. Where there is internet is also exposure to different ways of doing things. Its always been that culturally the better ways will win out but with the internet its happens faster and faster. Good for humanity but bad for cultures that like to allow certain elements to hold onto power inappropriately (like your culture sounds like, no offense).

Families are important but they need to balance that against an individual's happiness too. Cultures that don't balance it lose the younger generations and naturally atrophy, as they should. Cultures have been experiencing this kind of survival of the fittest for some time. Japan, for example, is one culture that almost didn't manage it, paid a price and then learned and managed the changes world progress demands. Theirs is a very interesting story about cultural change.

Since your family is not open to negotiations, the only choice you have to to work hard in order to fund plans to leave and take the hit of disgrace this brings to you and your family. It's a disgrace that very much needs to be challenged, in my opinion. Surviving without a disrespectful family is quite possible in the world. Lots of people are out here doing just that! Once you don't need their support, you can arrange your life contrary to their wishes much easier. Until then, you have to accommodate their viewpoint in this. What about the culture your girlfriend is from? Are you able to consider adopting into hers, if and when you leave yours?

By the way, if you don't want to say where you are from, then that's perfectly okay. Good for you for sticking to your limits about what to open up about on the net. To make that an issue strikes me as unnecessary and detracts from the main concern about your dysfunctional family relations and your almost archaically conservative culture. I hope this was helpful.

talaniman · Mar 13, 2007, 06:52 AM

Sit down with your father and tell him of your plans, he may relent a bit. If not you know what you have to do. Parents always tend to be in their children's lives no matter the country, until you stand on your own and earn respect as a responsible adult. They do it out of love, and they do the best they know how, so take that into consideration when you talk. Be respectful, but firm.

SomeoneHelp · Mar 13, 2007, 07:45 AM

Thanks. Those were some real great advice. I am certainly feeling more positive about whole situation now. I know I got to control myself in order for others to control me. I have promised myself to be financially independent in 4-5 months from now and I am not going to let anybody financially blackmail me. I chose to live my life the way I want it from now on.

If there is something else I am doing wrong, please let me know. I'm open to criticism too.

When I go talk with my dad, all I can think of is "give me some privacy". What else can I talk to him about and how can I persuade him. No matter how bad our relationship is, I know he wants good for me and if I do something "wrong", it hurts them which in return puts me pretty down too. So me moving out would hurt him and me too but I am going to accept the reality.

As for my relationship with my GF, I have told her that if we are still together at 25 (which we obviously hope), I will do anything to be with her forever. She comes from a today's family but accepts me as I am. She knows I have some problems going on and she is supporting me. So I am not too worried about our relationship. One things for sure, I'm not leaving her no matter what my family does or says.

Thank you all again ;)

fireboy08 · Jan 24, 2008, 06:05 PM

Originally Posted by SomeoneHelp

Hi,

I really need some help, so please take time to read through my long post.

I was born in a conservative society. My parents went lots of hardships to bring me up. They loved me as a child and I loved them too. I was young so we didn't have any problems back then.

Then my dad moved to west and worked hard to bring rest of us there with him. I went to school in west so I have a western mentality. Real problems between us started when I left school. He TOLD me what I was doing after school. He has been doing it every since. He tells me everything now, like where I should be working part-time (I have already changed 1 job because of him)

It all got real bad last month when they found out I had a GF (and that too of different race) They got mad. They did everything to break us up. Finally they agreed for me to keep her but without any future commitment. Since then, our relationship is going from bad to worse. They are immensely nosy now. They intrude my privacy all they time. They check my phone, wallet, car when I am away or sleeping. When I confronted them about it, they said they are allowed (I'm 19 for sakes)

They now keep an eye on me on everything I do, everywhere I go. If I go to work, they ring up and check on me. I am not allowed out late. When I come home from anything I have to answer 2000 questions. I have only been out once clubbing in my whole life!

Today it got even worse, when my dad asked me for my bank statement. I refused straightaway. He then threatened me that he will take away my computer, TV and the car because he paid for all this. Then he asked me to do what he says in life or he will make me do it HIS way. They even tell me what to wear when I go out somewhere with them. They threatened me for not following our religion but I want to live my life as a atheist. They FORCE me to come to Church with them. All this is killing me, my self-esteem and my purpose to live. I am a puppet for them. We always bicker about small issues. Recently, our printer broke down, and he blamed it on me. I havent touched it since ages so I was very upset and I cried in my room for atleast 2 hours. I am losing respect and love for them. Sometimes I just feel like screaming and yelling at them.

I was grown up in a culture where you live with your parents until you are old enough and then your parents live with you. Parents and children living separate is considered as shame to the family. I respect my family so moving out is out of question.

Please help me. What should I do? I am really getting sick of this living. . .

Thanks a lot.

Same problem wit me here my friend... now tell me what I supposed to do?? :confused:

hmmmiduno · Jan 24, 2008, 09:59 PM

You indian? My rents are the same. All indian rents who are raising their kids in the US act like that.

Lol I remember my mom walked in on me making out with my old ex. She didn't talk to me for months seriously. Everyone hated me. I could name a million other things.

jasmine_rezzag · Jan 24, 2008, 11:55 PM

You can have a serious talk with your parents,if it still does not work,why don't you try to make a living by yourself,afford everything you need by yourself!I think this is very important to show them you need personal life,you are grown-up man,know what you have to do and what you can do or can't do...