[Jennifer149]

My birth mother had a child when she was 16. She gave her up for adoption. When she was 18, she had a second child to a different man. She did not keep the child, however, she refused to sign rights to the child over so she could be adopted. She then met my birth father, had a third child, and kept him. I was born to her when she was 22 years old. After keeping us for a year, (my brother now for over 2 years) she took us to a babysitter, and walked away. When the police found her, she said she wanted to keep us, but after a few years in foster care, we were eventually adopted out. All of the kids have found each other, and Children's Aid provided us with our birth mother's name and date of birth. I was able to contact her family, and they have not seen her or heard from her in almost 40 years.

I have recently found my birth mother... sort of. Her current step-son posted on a family tree website. I contacted him, telling him that I was related to her, and lied, telling him that I was her niece, and that I was interested in speaking to her. I lied because I suspected she might not have told her new husband about all of her children, and I didn't want to cause trouble for her. (If there was a way I could have contacted her directly I would have... )

He checked with her, and she has told him that she doesn't want contact with anyone. She also told him not to mention any of this to his father.

Other members of my family are angry and hurt by what she has done, and think I should tell the step-son who I really am, and send the few pictures I have of her with us. I am so confused, and I don't know what to do. That doesn't seem like the right thing to do to someone.

I came here for help because I am hoping for some insight... There are four lives here (maybe more if she had more children after me... ) that have an inexplicable void. She also affected the lives of others in that two of the children's birth fathers are not even aware that they have children... As for my birth father, and his family... she left him in the USA and brought us to Canada to abandon us.

I am not angry with her. I have the usual questions that I am sure that all adoptees have. I was hoping that this could offer her some closure as well... I assumed that she would think about us all from time to time and wonder... I wanted her to know that she was forgiven (at least by me) and I wanted to understand what was going on with her.

Is it out of line to ask the step son to pass on a letter to her from me offering her my information in case she ever wants contact?

[tickle]

Although I know you want closure, I really don't think she deserves much of your time, or worry. You know she exists but it hasn't done you much good and really to be sure, may open up more heartache for you.

I would offer the adage, let sleeping dogs lie, meaning leave well enough alone.

This woman doesn't need your affection in any way shape or form, she needs pity for what she has done, ruining so many lives and apparently not her own as she has another family.

You had her answer through her current step son.

[Jennifer149]

Although I know you want closure, I really dont think she deserves much of your time, or worry. You know she exists but it hasnt done you much good and really to be sure, may open up more heartache for you.

I would offer the old adage, let sleeping dogs lie, meaning leave well enough alone.

This woman doesnt need your affection in any way shape or form, she needs pity for what she has done, ruining so many lives and apparently not her own as she has another family.

You had her answer through her current step son.

Thank you for your answer. It is a tough pill to swallow... I have been looking for her for 25 years. I can't help but wonder if she should know that her children are actually the ones looking for her, or just let her believe that it is the rest of her family. They were also hurt by the fact that she gave us all away, and she hasn't spoken to them in almost 40 years.

Do you think it would make a difference if she knew it was her children?

[Synnen]

I'm sure she knows it's her children.

She does not want contact--please respect that.

I suggest counseling for you and your siblings to work through the issues she left you with. I cannot offer insight to why she left you or what her issues were, but it sounds like she had some sort of undiagnosed mental illness--probably depression--though I cannot know that for sure.

You will gain nothing by telling her step son any of this.

I suggest that you put your information on reunion websites and keep it updated so that if she DOES change her mind, she has a way to find you.

[ScottGem]

I agree. You made your attempt, were rebuffed, now leave it alone.

[Jennifer149]

I agree. You made your attempt, were rebuffed, now leave it alone.

Thank you for your input. I respect your opinion, and will be taking your advice. You ask, as a sign off, for a response to let you know if this was helpful... Might I just suggest that you work on your tact?

People who use this site are often sensitive, and are dealing with hurtful and emotional situations. I'm sure you have heard, time and again, that it is impossible for you to know how it feels unless you are adopted yourself... I'm sure you can fill in the rest. To simply address someone who has spent 25 years searching for someone, in such a contrite manner, is... well.. not constructive. It puts people on the defensive, and for me, it made me feel like you were trivializing something that is very important to me.

This may not have been your intent, but if we don't choose our words wisely (especially regarding sensitive situations) sometimes our impact on others can be devastating.

Thank you again for your opinion.

[ScottGem]

I asked for feedback on whether my advice was helpful. Not whether you felt it was tactful or not.

May I remind you that in online communications like this, one loses 70% of what happens in face to face communication. You don't have tone of voice, facial expressions or body language to help convey meaning. May I also remind you that we all volunteer our time to help members here. Because of that our answers may sometimes be brief and may seem curt.

So I suggest that you consider these factors before you attack a person (in violation of site rules).

[Laura Griffen]

Hi Jennifer,
I hope you have found the answer you seek. I don't know you but reading your question I think you are hurt and looking for answers as to why your Mum did or didn't do the right thing.From my own experience,all I can say is you are here for a reason,as everyone is.The mere fact that you're questioning what happened is indicative that you are not the same as your mother and you would not neglect or abandon your children if you have any and that's what's important.
Sometimes people pretend and lie so much that they believe it themselves because it keeps them safe.The fact that your Mum doesn't want to see you actually indicates to me that it's not too late.She probably still knows what she's done in the past is wrong.

I know some people who are haunted by their past. To be honest, I've realised it stops you enjoying the present and looking forward to enjoying the future.
Best wishes,
Laura.

Furthermore I hope I didn't offend you in any way.As a very new user, I read the responses to your question after I sent mine and I see that may have previously occurred. I've heard the sleeping dogs lie quote many times and that's not always appropriate.I sincerely hope you are in a better place and your forgiveness to you Mum indicates to me that you already were two years ago.
I wasn't adopted, I was discarded and later on thrown away. I survived my Mum's 30 year imaginarium and within that,5 years of domestic abuse by a former partner. This year has brought about much mending,forgiveness and hope for me. Good luck!

[Fr_Chuck]

My birth father had me, left my mother ( then then adopted me out) and meet another women, had a son, left her and married another women and had three girls.

It does not all end like Oprah. In fact most end with the birth mother cursing out the child for even looking, often with restraining orders from the court.

They don't want to talk to you, you have no legal right to force them. The plain simple truth is, they were a bad mom or one who did not want to have kids and mad choices you don't agree with.

Instead of perhaps being happy with the family you had, and respecting them as your mother and father, you did a mystic search for a magic grail that you wanted to be a mother and have a fairly tale ending.

Sorry this is real life,

[8track]

I suggest you ask yourself what it is you need? Do you need to feel validated, alive, that you exist by members of your birth family? Do you need to know your birth relatives?

I ask these questions because I'm in the opposite situation. I have a mom that gave up my older sister but then had me and kept me. My whole life nobody told me I had a full blood sister, I didn't find out till she found us, me at age 30.

My mom disowned me the day I found out about my sister. The whole thing was so emotionally devastating that I had to have years of therapy to deal with the rejection and anger. But the light at the end of the tunnel is I have a sister now! I will grow old and have family where I otherwise would have nobody.

So I ask you> what specifically are your needs? If you need to have a family that knows about you. Find them, forget about her. You owe her nothing. But you might gain some love and family. And its very healing to see people that are like you even if your birth mother is unavailable. But realize that whatever you decide to do, there will be pain, and possibly pain to others. So its "how you go about it". Make choices with love. Love of self, love of family. Weigh the risks and consequences and ask if now is the time. Ask yourself if you have a support network while going through this.