[MOHREJECT]

To get to her wedding, I flew 6000km across the ocean from Europe where I am a very poor grad student and then drove a further 14 hours round trip including a border crossing to get to her wedding. Going to her wedding cost me my only trip home for the next 18 months, and it was a fly in and fly out affair that took 5 days, during which time the only time I saw my father was when he was driving me back to the airport, I missed Mother's day because I was driving back the whole of the Sunday to make my flight. I didn't see any of my other friends and was 7 hours jet lagged the entire time. I had so little money my mother gave me my 'birthday present' 4 months early so I could afford gas money, and lent me her car because I couldn't afford to rent.

When my friend got engaged, I was ecstatic for her, told her I was there to help as much as I could, would call places and look up info on the Internet for her from Europe if she wanted/needed. I never once asked her if I would be a bridesmaid or MOH. I didn't want to put any pressure on her or make her feel awkward, it was HER special day after all, and I believe a woman's wedding day really should be all about her. I did ask if I could stay at her house for the wedding. She had a 4 bedroom, with a finished attic, I've stayed with her every time I've visited, and with the exception of 2 visits in the 6 years since we graduated college and moved away from each other, it's always been me who has rented a car, and driven the 6-7 hour round trip to see her, so I didn't anticipate a problem. I was coming from so far away and I'm hardly a guest, I've known her for 10 years! We were sorority sisters.

She said we'll see... then a few months later I'll ask him (her fiance), then a few months later she told me her fiancé didn't want 'guests' in their house for the wedding because of the stress... then I find out her sister and her brand new husband are staying in their house. She knew I could barely afford to come all that way and that staying in a hotel would be just impossible. But still I didn't say anything, I contemplated driving 7 hours there for the wedding and immediately driving 7 hours back and she said 'well if that's what you have to do'...

9 months after the engagement she asked me if I would be her MOH... I was ecstatic& honored, I said yes immediately and she said the dress is from a national chain, just buy the right color in any style you want, we even discussed styles. Then a few weeks after she said well you can still be the MOH but 'do you really want to wear the dress'? I sensed there was an answer she wanted so I said whatever you want me to do... Then a few weeks after this, she said there's an uneven number in the bridal party so you can't walk down the aisle... to this day I'm not sure what she meant because it was never clear if her fiancé had too many or too little groomsmen, she was vague , but again I sensed there was a desired outcome and I said well if that's what you want then no problem and I bowed out of the dress and the procession... then she said how about you do a reading? So I found reading she liked, I looked over her final fitting photos, I volunteered to help with whatever else I could do from abroad... and then I read on her blog how resentful she is that no one is helping her with anything, and she said she was trying to stay positive about the contributions people were making, for example 'her BFF was coming all the way from Europe and shouldn't she be grateful for that?' (I presume this was a rhetorical question)...

Then a few weeks before the wedding she tells me that I can stay with her. When I get to her house, the afternoon after landing from a transatlantic flight, which came after journeying 5 hours from where I actually live, to the city with the nearest international airport on a bus, then taking public transportation for an hour to get to said airport and then once I landed on the other side sleeping for a few hours and then getting up to drive 7 hours to get to the wedding rehearsal dinner on time while jet lagged out of my mind, she shows me the couch where I will be sleeping... with the filthy, stinking of dog blanket and no pillow. I said nothing, she had enough to worry about after all, I said I wasn't a guest after all, and what with family and guests and priests and dresses and hair, it's HER day and I wouldn't spoil it. This girl, my BFF, my soul mate, the one person who I thought would never pull something like this on me, who wasn't capable of behaving this way, not only was and is capable, she did and she did it to me. It broke my heart. She's never addressed it, never told me what was going on during those months of limbo.

Here I am, months after the wedding, everything has calmed down again, we can go back to normal because as everybody knows 'weddings make people crazy''. I held my tongue, I supported, I cheered, I smiled, I clapped, I encouraged, I danced and I was gracious as I was taught to be. I waited and waited for things to calm down, for her to go back to 'normal', for the haze of the craziness to fade away and for her to realize what I did, what I did for her so she could be happy. And it's not that she didn't thank me for attending, she did, beautifully. It's that I feel like the thank you was a hidden apology. While I firmly believe a wedding day is about the couple, they are and should be the focus of everyone's thoughts and wishes and they deserve one day to feel special and have their nearest and dearest celebrate their love, maybe the couple should remember that they might not have made it to their wedding day without the love, support and encouragement of their nearest and dearest.

What haunts me is something my father, who I will not see for another 2 years, said to me as he drove me back to the airport, when I told him all that attending this wedding entailed, he looked at me and said: I hope this friend of yours would do the same for you.

Truth? I'm not sure that she would. Maybe the reason that I feel so hurt is because I realize this wedding wasn't necessarily an aberration. Maybe if all these years I've felt like I've been putting in more effort, while she, in a relationship and now married, has had time for me when it was convenient, or when I made the effort, maybe it wasn't my imagination, maybe it really has been me. Her wedding only exposed what I've felt for awhile now, that due in large part to our long distance friendship, BFF-type though it may be, we both have had the luxury of attending to more pressing matters instead of each other. She responds to an email 'later', she Skype when it's convenient, there is a reason she never calls on the phone, never buys a calling card, never visits. Her wedding exposed all that was wrong with our friendship as these life-altering moments often do. So here I am months after the fact, and I know that I've waited long enough and I've given enough and I cannot do 'this' anymore.

Any advice?

[teacherjenn4]

You need to let this go. It sounds like she has moved on in life and doesn't consider you the BFF in her life. Finish school and move on with your life.

[Alty]

Wow. Did you go on and on to her about how hard it was for you to attend, because that's mostly what you talked about in your thread. How you're broke, how long the trip was, how you expected to stay at her house and when she offered it wasn't good enough.

It really sounds like it's all about you, and you're really ticked because she didn't fall down on her knees with gratitude that you went through everything you went through, which I'm sure you told her in great detail, to get to her wedding.

Doesn't sound like you understood at all that it was her day, and not about you. If it was such a hardship than why didn't you tell her you couldn't make it? If I were her I think I would have preferred that option to hearing your constant bickering of everything you went through for her.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, why did you ever go, it is not about you, ( your post is) it was as you said her day, you either go, expecting NOTHING back, even a thank you, or you don't go.

I am sorry but this is your issue to get over, you really should not have gone if you feel this way. You need not to say a word to her, and get counseling if you need to , to deal with the issues you have about this

[joypulv]

You give and give and then resent and resent, when you shouldn't be such a martyr in the first place. I can't tell if what you describe in your last paragraph happened before or after her wedding, but if before, it's your own fault for not seeing her drifting away as a readily accessible BFF. Also we don't know what you were telling her all along, but based on the dress story, it sounds like you were telling her how little money you have, and then she was bombarded with people telling her that a MOH can't wear a cheap dress, blah blah and so on, and we don't know who paid for this wedding - demands are bad enough from family even when they aren't the ones paying!

I have a few dear, life-long friends who are far away and I don't expect them to drop everything when I contact them. You expect too much.

[NeedKarma]

Doesn't sound like you understood at all that it was her day, and not about you.

I've always hated that about weddings - it's not about her, it's about them. This need to have grandiose expensive weddings to showcase the bride has got to stop; that's not what a wedding is supposed to be.

[Alty]

I've always hated that about weddings - it's not about her, it's about them. This need to have grandiose expensive weddings to showcase the bride has got to stop; that's not what a wedding is supposed to be.

I do agree NK, but having said that, to each their own. If someone wants to spend enough money to buy a house, on a wedding, than that's their choice. If someone can't afford to go to that wedding than they should be honest, and not go only to complain to everyone that will listen, that she can't afford this.

It's in bad taste.

[MOHREJECT]

Perhaps I should add some clarifying details. I appreciate your responses but when I wrote this post out I was upset and that has bled into the narrative. I did mention this in the post but I'll just emphasise that I did not say anything, not even indirectly to the bride or anyone else at the wedding or connected to the wedding, about the cost of attending, the time and effort it took to the wedding or anything else that made it sound like I resented all that was involved in attending. My parents of course know, but they were a private sounding board. I think we all know what it's like to think things to ourselves, or talk to neutral parties in confidence about things that bother us, without having any intention of bringing it up with the party in question. Sometimes you just need to run something by a person that isn't involved to gain a different perspective. As for why I attended even though it was a hardship, I think most of us would make a special effort for a good friend, that's just why I went. I can certainly see how people got the impression that I behaved like a martyr or saint at the wedding but that's not the case. I had a great time attending, saw old friends, laughed and made merry, it doesn't mean that certain things about attending didn't bother me and I think, upon further reflection, as someone here mentioned, a lot of that might be because of the general feelings I have about our (I feel) unequal friendship.

@NeedKarma: You're quite right, weddings should be about them and not just the bride.
@Alty: You're quite right, it would have been in very poor taste to complain to the couple/bride about the cost of attending their wedding. Again I did not mention anything about the cost, effort or time it would take to attend. I included those details in the post to try and provide background for people to respond with all the facts in mind.
@Joypulv: The narrative needs work to make it clearer, very true. You're also quite right about giving past the point of resentment and needlessly martyring myself. I should have stopped earlier. Just to clarify, I never said anything about the cost of the dress to the bride or anyone else connected to the wedding. Incidentally it was a very reasonable 99$, but when she asked/suggested that 'wouldn't I prefer to wear my own dress' and 'wouldn't it be easier for you not to buy the BM dress', it was right after telling me that she didn't want/couldn't have me walk down the aisle. So I sensed there was an answer that she wanted me to give and that she would prefer that I bow out 'of my own accord' so she didn't have to awkwardly rescind her own MOH request.
@Fr_Chuck: I think seeking counseling might be a bit much. I just wanted a neutral sounding board.

Well thank you very much to everyone who posted with their opinions.

[dontknownuthin]

I have a different notion about what weddings are all about. I think they are about making a sacred commitment in front of witnesses. They are not about being a princess, getting gifts or inconveniencing and bullying everyone the couple knows. When I married, my husband to be, parents and inlaws all agreed - the wedding ceremony was about making a humble promise, a serious commitment. The party was a show of appreciation to the guests, not for what they brought as a gift or how much they might spend on us, but for what they had meant to us and our families for years, and for being our support that helped us to get to that day in our lives.

I hate what has happened to weddings - the emphasis is not on being "honored" but on the "maid" part of the title. Maid or Matron was meant to be a honorific term of respect, not a job description.

I think you have matured beyond your friend and her behavior was appalling. To direct you to a smelly couch and not even think to give you a blanket and pillow (I'm sure she had several among her wedding gifts that would have been suitable), showed a real entitled attitude. And never mind whether she would have done the same for her, you wouldn't have asked her to.

You did the right thing acting with grace and class. You are at quite a distance from her - take advantage of that and cultivate a new best friend with someone who better reflects your ideals of friendship and consideration.

[MOHREJECT]

@dontknownuthin: Thank you so much for your reply . I agree with everything you said about weddings being about the sacred commitment you make before G-d and your loved ones. I just couldn't believe that a wedding would make someone whose behaviour I would have vouched for previously, behave in a way that was so out of character. I still have such a hard time wrapping my head around such a drastic change in attitude. I know the wedding is over and I'm not trying to dwell, but in reality the reason I posted this now and have solicited opinions, is because I've, in effect, been waiting 18 months to talk about this. I didn't say anything to her at all during this whole process, and each time one of these little incidents would happen, I would try and brush it off as minor, explain it away by blaming it on her being stressed with wedding planning and I didn't mention them to other people, but they add up to a quite a bit in the end. I thought, 'it's not fair to stress someone out during their wedding prep', so I'll do the 'right thing' and I'll wait. But now when everything has 'gone back to normal', I realise she took my silence as approval and permission. I don't think she has any idea how much all this bothered me, and that also bothers me, how could someone who knows me so well and who normally is quite considerate be so oblivious to how poorly she behaved? And there is, summed up, the reason why I posted. I know how I feel, it's clear from her not mentioning anything she doesn't feel anything is or was amiss, so maybe it was all in my head; I needed a different perspective.

Now I just need to figure out if I should say something, if so, how and what I should say.


Thank you again, I really appreciate your considered response.

[krafteame]

I think that you that your "BFF" acted horrible. Even if she was stressed that does not give her the right to treat you so badly. You on the other hand bit your tongue and held it all in. I commend you. You were able to conduct yourself with grace and class. Now that time has passed you can do one of two things, you can continue to not say anything or you can let her know how you feel. If you cannot live with how she treated you I would write her a letter and let her know how much her friendship meant to you and let her know how you feel. Either way I would distance myself from her after that. You deserve to have a friend that is willing to give as well take from a friendship. Plus, wouldn't it be more convienent to have a best friends closer to you so you are able to spend time together? I believe you would feel better if you wrote her and let her know how you feel if for no other reason than for closer. Let us know how things go. Good luck.

[Alty]

Thanks for the inaccurate rating. I'd like to know how my opinion is inaccurate. I didn't post anything inaccurate at all, I only posted my opinion, which I'm entitled to. So please explain how it's inaccurate.

In·ac·cu·rate/inˈakyərit/
Adjective:
Not accurate; not correct.

[dontknownuthin]

It's funny - I was talking to another friend (a long-time, proven, unselfish friend at that) and we had to laugh when we came up for a formula for determining a person's true colors. One way is to observe them when they are settling an estate to which they are an heir with other people - are they grabbing for everything they can get, or making sure that everything is fair and that each person gets something of personal value? Another way is to observe someone who is taking care of a sick dog or cat. Are they more worried about being inconvenienced or messes on the carpet, or is their concern for the suffering animal? And the third way was to watch how they treat their parents, fiancé, future in-laws and friends while planning a wedding. A funny conversation, for sure.

[NeedKarma]

Or how they treat waiters/waitresses.

[krafteame]

Thanks for the inaccurate rating. I'd like to know how my opinion is inaccurate. I didn't post anything inaccurate at all, I only posted my opinion, which I'm entitled to. So please explain how it's inaccurate.

in·ac·cu·rate/inˈakyərit/
Adjective:
Not accurate; not correct.

Alty, I am not sure who you are directing your response to.

[Alty]

Alty, I am not sure who you are directing your response to.

The OP (original poster).