[Katie 53725]

Sorry this is so long, but I want to get all the details in. I'm 19 my boyfriend is 22, we've been together for 4 months. Our entire relationship happened fast, he asked me out fast, we had sex fast, we fell in love fast and we moved in together fast. Ive had my own house for a little over a year, since he still lived with his parents, he started starting at my house a lot. About a month ago it was apparent he lived with me, were both completely fine and happy with that. Even though we had sex the first time really fast, we were never really all over each other, we would have sex 2-3 times a week which I was fine with. We both had dramatic changes in our work schedule about two months ago and I believe that caused the initial break in our sex life, our schedules never met up, one of us was always tired. He has a great job, he likes it, gets paid great, great benefits, and he's good at it. I on the other hand hated my job, he encourages me to quite, and find something better. After an incident at work, we talked about it and three weeks ago I quit and have been looking for something else. Since I've been home I took on all the domestic duties, I do laundry, dishes, clean, grocery shop, and cook every night. We've both been happy with this arrangement. But since I've been home and our schedules aren't clashing any more he still has no interest in sex, we only had sex once in over a month. I'm starting to get worried, I was always worried about moving too fast, but I always let him make a move so I wouldn't pressure him with high expectations. He's the best lover I've ever had when he tries, and I love him more than anything. Our lives together are great, but I'm scared of losing our intimacy. I know its normal and natural to have snags in a relationship, and I'm more than willing to work at it because he's worth it. I don't know if he got ahead of himself moving in and encouraging me to quit my job, I worry about him possibly feeling a little trapped. But I don't know if or how we could take a step back, would this help?

[lovelybones26]

If I were you, I would surprise him with something. Like when he's away at work, make his favorite dinner with candles, and make it romantic.

[Katie 53725]

If I were you, I would surprise him with something. Like when he's away at work, make his favorite dinner with candles, and make it romantic.

Ive tried several dinners, movies, etc. Our problem isn't really a romance thing, we have plenty of alone time. It's a problem with getting him in the mood. For example, we go to bed together every night, if I try to initiate sex I might start with kissing, rubbing his back etc. but it seems like no matter what I do he just relaxes and falls asleep rather than getting aroused. Ive tried being a bit more aggressive but that just turns into a game, I love his sense if humor but its almost more like he doesn't get what I'm trying to do. Or he's possibly trying to deflect with humor

[Fr_Chuck]

So when you told him I want to have sex tonight, what does he say.

When you ask him how come we are not having sex more often what does he say?

[Katie 53725]

So when you told him I want to have sex tonight, what does he say.

When you ask him how come we are not having sex more often what does he say?

If I flat out tell him I want to have sex he will, but I feel like when I'm blunt about it he just goes through the motions. The couple times its come up he just tells me he doesn't feel like it.

Im not so much looking for an explanation for his behavior. I don't doubt his feeling for me. I'm more looking for pointers on how to increase his libido. People use sex for numerous reasons, I think in the past he's used sex to feel loved, but with our relationship he's satisfied and doesn't need the validation. I love him and he knows it. I'm extremely attracted too him, and I want to be able to express that attraction but I feel like I'm constantly getting shut down. I really appreciate any input on the subject. It seems to be a common problem.

(p.s. Im not just going on assumptions, my theory is based on conversations about his past relationships)

[Cat1864]

if I flat out tell him I want to have sex he will, but I feel like when im blunt about it he just goes through the motions. The couple times its come up he just tells me he doesn't feel like it.

Im not so much looking for an explanation for his behavior. I don't doubt his feeling for me. im more looking for pointers on how to increase his libido. people use sex for numerous reasons, I think in the past he's used sex to feel loved, but with our relationship he's satisfied and doesn't need the validation. I love him and he knows it. I'm extremely attracted too him, and I want to be able to express that attraction but I feel like im constantly getting shut down. I really appreciate any input on the subject. It seems to be a common problem.

(p.s. Im not just going on assumptions, my theory is based on conversations about his past relationships)

Are you trying to have sex every night? If so, try backing off and just enjoy being with him without turning intimacy into intercourse. Pressure to have sex is a very large libido limiter which can turn into a libido killer very quickly.

One problem I see in this relationship is that you have only been together for four months. You may know you love him and he loves you, however, you haven't been together long enough to know what is 'normal' for each other. Some people have naturally lower libidos. Some have higher libidos.

If his libido is lower than yours, trying to 'get him in the mood' will probably backfire and cause him to back away from the pressure.

You talk about his looking at sex as validation of 'love'. You seem to be seeing it as validation of 'attraction'. Try showing him you are attracted to him without trying to turn it into sex. Give him the back rub because you like the feel of his skin and you know it helps him relax not because you want him to have sex with you.

Finances, friends, family, health, home, concerns about a possible pregnancy, etc. may be distracting him from getting aroused. For him, holding you may be what he needs instead of intercourse. Ask him and listen to him. Talk with him when you aren't in the bedroom or expecting it to turn into sex. See if you can reach a compromise.

[slapshot_oi]

if I flat out tell him I want to have sex he will

Okay, so there's a solution to your problem. Likely for the short-term only, but it's still a solution.

Im not so much looking for an explanation for his behavior... im more looking for pointers on how to increase his libido.

You will be unable to increase his libido if you don't know the reason behind his behavior. You have to understand the problem before you can solve it.