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claireabella84 · Oct 20, 2012, 12:52 AM

At the beginning of this year my beloved Dad hung himself in his alotment, at 66yrs old. Found by my brother in law. It brought us heartbreak and total devistation which I'm sure my Dad would not have wanted for us. Everyday I run it all through my head, his last days, the phone call off my sister at work, getting home and hearing my Mam say those dreaded words, seeing him in his coffin, choosing the flowers, the funeral. Looking back on it all now it makes sense. We had a couple of warning signs involving alcohol, he went to the doctors and got tablets, took them for a while and stopped, said he could manage it on his own.
My Dad was once the life and soul of a party, he cried with laughter, loved to tell jokes and make others laugh. I can't really put my finger on the point where he changed. I would just like to hear from others who understand my pain. Will I ever feel the happy me again? I miss my Dad so much and ontop of it have the issue of suiside to deal with too. It's been 10months now and the thought of Christmas coming up sickens me, my Mam and Dad were my Christmas, they gave me 28 years of happy ones. He was such a truelly lovely Dad and I just miss him, as so my Mam, sister, grandma, aunty and all his many many friends.

Secrethelp · Oct 20, 2012, 01:25 AM

I kow how you feel my uncle just passed away and I was rely close to him I miss him a lot he died from cancer I would cry a lot but it would help to just remember the good things and he's always ganna be right by yourside just you won't see himm but he's ganna always be there by your side the best thing you could do is move on and be with your family

joypulv · Oct 20, 2012, 02:15 AM

All you can do is be with the rest of your family who miss him too. Support and love each other. I had a wonderful dad too. I feel guilty too; that's normal (more so when someone commits suicide).
Get together for Christmas but don't try to be all cheerful, and don't try to shop for presents, and don't try to cook too much, although cooking is a good therapy if you all do it in a group. Make a little spot for your dad, a shelf or corner, with pictures and mementos. A shrine. Just sit and talk to him each day.
The first year of course is the worst. What is your mother doing? Doesn't she need you for comfort too?

claireabella84 · Oct 20, 2012, 03:03 AM

I have a box full of things that were his, 1 thing being a jerkin that he wore all the time, lol. I open it quite a lot. My Mam keeps herself busy though she has her bad days too, we all support each other. I know people say time is a good healer, what upsets me most is that he was so upset.

joypulv · Oct 20, 2012, 04:53 AM

Yes, I understand that the suicide is the worst part now. Don't listen to people trying to make you feel better about time healing all wounds - time will help, but the way he died will become a part of you, and never really go away.
There isn't anything you can do about wondering how you all could have noticed that he might be suicidal. I'm sure you aren't the only one in the family who feels guilty, so talk about those shared feelings so the burden isn't on one of you. The thing is, if someone wants to kill himself, noticing doesn't stop him. Sure, you could have had him committed to a hospital, but he could just wait until he got out (usually after a week to 15 days, tops).
Could you have done something else, something to help his life? Perhaps, but it isn't your fault or your job to know what that is if he didn't let you know. It's like saying you can stop someone from ending up in a ditch or a car wreck if he drinks or does drugs - you can't stop it. People run their own lives. Will this make you feel less guilty? I hope so, but I understand very well from my own experience that the guilt stays. You can't wallow in guilt though. It does no one any good at all, and in a way is selfish to the people who are left, who need you.

claireabella84 · Oct 20, 2012, 10:00 AM

Originally Posted by Secrethelp

I kow how u feel my uncle just passed away and I was rely close to him I miss him alot he died from cancer I would cry alot but it would help to just remember the good things and he's always ganna be right by yourside just u won't see himm but he's ganna always be there by yur side the best thing u could do is move on and be with yur family

Yes your right about that, he'll always be with me, I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle, life is cruel sometimes. Thanks for your help x

claireabella84 · Oct 20, 2012, 10:06 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

Yes, I understand that the suicide is the worst part now. Don't listen to people trying to make you feel better about time healing all wounds - time will help, but the way he died will become a part of you, and never really go away.
There isn't anything you can do about wondering how you all could have noticed that he might be suicidal. I'm sure you aren't the only one in the family who feels guilty, so talk about those shared feelings so the burden isn't on one of you. The thing is, if someone wants to kill himself, noticing doesn't stop him. Sure, you could have had him committed to a hospital, but he could just wait til he got out (usually after a week to 15 days, tops).
Could you have done something else, something to help his life? Perhaps, but it isn't your fault or your job to know what that is if he didn't let you know. It's like saying you can stop someone from ending up in a ditch or a car wreck if he drinks or does drugs - you can't stop it. People run their own lives. Will this make you feel less guilty? I hope so, but I understand very well from my own experience that the guilt stays. You can't wallow in guilt though. It does no one any good at all, and in a way is selfish to the people who are left, who need you.

You sound like you have been in my position before. Everything you say is right, it's just very hard not to run things over in your mind constantly. I'm sure in time they will not be as intense, hard remembering day to day stuff sometimes. Thanks for taking time to answer me, you have many words of wisdom :o)

joypulv · Oct 20, 2012, 05:23 PM

I have been in your position, but not with my dad - he died in his 90s and it wasn't great but it was pretty good by most standards of old age deterioration.

Talk to him. Every time something reminds you of him, talk to him as though he is right next to you. It helps because if it's something nice, he will sort of answer you in your mind, made up of thousands of memories, not really 'there' because it's really you doing it, but don't forget, you are part of him, so he is part of you. You are carrying his genes, his character, his personality, all sorts of things forward. Each generation replaces the last one, and it would be nice if it happened in old age in their sleep but we all know it doesn't. Dying isn't so bad. We all do it. Plants and animals and day and night and winter and summer do it. Millions and millions of us have died and will continue to do so.

claireabella84 · Oct 21, 2012, 01:58 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

I have been in your position, but not with my dad - he died in his 90s and it wasn't great but it was pretty good by most standards of old age deterioration.

Talk to him. Every time something reminds you of him, talk to him as though he is right next to you. It helps because if it's something nice, he will sort of answer you in your mind, made up of thousands of memories, not really 'there' because it's really you doing it, but don't forget, you are part of him, so he is part of you. You are carrying his genes, his character, his personality, all sorts of things forward. Each generation replaces the last one, and it would be nice if it happened in old age in their sleep but we all know it doesn't. Dying isn't so bad. We all do it. Plants and animals and day and night and winter and summer do it. Millions and millions of us have died and will continue to do so.

My that is a good age, my Dad's Mam is 98, amazing, she's so sharp too. You think your Mam and Dad will be around forever don't you. I love my Mam so much, she's amazing. I talk to him every day, I say good night to him when I shut the curtains on his photo. If I can see one tiny possitive, and I mean it is tiny, at least he didn't have a sroke like his Dad and was a prisoner in his own body, he would have hated that, I sometimes think that was what he was afraid of. He drank a lot and had double cream on his cornflakes!

joypulv · Oct 21, 2012, 02:48 AM

At what age did his dad die? Men in particular seem to be very aware and fearful of how their fathers died and at what age. Maybe there is a lot to that with your dad, not wanting to have that kind of stroke. Maybe that's why he lost his sense of fun. I think I might have killed myself too, fearing being unable to move and speak!
Double cream on his cornflakes - such a dear memory.
My dad had a huge number of jokes even though he told some of his favorites over and over. Now I find myself telling them out loud (even if no one is around) whenever something reminds me of one.

claireabella84 · Oct 21, 2012, 03:27 AM

Ha, yeah my Dad did too, and as soon as he said the first few words of it I would think, how many times have I heard this one? I didn't mind though. And he used to tell you stories of when he was young and drunk that some people in company didn't find funny but they always made me laugh. He was 70 when he died but 66 when he had the stroke, strange that. I didn't know him, died a weel after I was born. My Dad loved fishing, I'm trying to find a picture of a man fishing in heaven or something like that. I would love that for my house. I hope that is what he is doing. :o)

J_9 · Oct 21, 2012, 03:28 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father 5 years ago to natural causes, but I have lost several friends and an uncle to suicide.

The difference is that, with my father for instance, we know WHY he died. We know what actually caused the death. However, with suicide, you are left wondering forever what caused this to happen. What was so terrible that the couldn't get through tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.

I don't know about you, but I was so angry... so frustrated... so lost. Looking back I see that my uncle and my friends are out of their pain, whatever their pain was. They are no longer suffering with the demons that we couldn't see.

With people who die of natural causes, they are usually dealing with pain that is obvious to the outside world, but people who take their lives by their own hands are dealing with pain that we could never imagine.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. While it is really no consolation, take peace in knowing that his pain, whatever it was to him, is over. He is no longer suffering the demons that were torturing him, the demons that were invisible to us.

Grieving is a long process. You will feel anger, you will feel guilt. But know that you were loved by him. Talk to him, let him know you still love him. Spend time with family and friends who also loved him. Talk about the good times, because I'm sure that's how he would want you to remember him. Joking and laughing is not only what he would want, but it is cathartic to you as well.

My thoughts are with you in your time of pain.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 21, 2012, 04:38 AM

I lost my father many years back, but for him, he spent the last three or four years not even knowing where he was, he did not know my name when I went to see him, thought I was one of the nursing staff.

He got where he could not walk or even talk toward the end. I think it was harder seeing him get like that, than his actual passing.

Mom died a few years ago, she died in the kitchen cooking, she went the way she would have wanted.

claireabella84 · Oct 21, 2012, 12:47 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father 5 years ago to natural causes, but I have lost several friends and an uncle to suicide.

The difference is that, with my father for instance, we know WHY he died. We know what actually caused the death. However, with suicide, you are left wondering forever what caused this to happen. What was so terrible that the couldn't get through tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.

I don't know about you, but I was so angry... so frustrated... so lost. Looking back I see that my uncle and my friends are out of their pain, whatever their pain was. They are no longer suffering with the demons that we couldn't see.

With people who die of natural causes, they are usually dealing with pain that is obvious to the outside world, but people who take their lives by their own hands are dealing with pain that we could never imagine.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. While it is really no consolation, take peace in knowing that his pain, whatever it was to him, is over. He is no longer suffering the demons that were torturing him, the demons that were invisible to us.

Grieving is a long process. You will feel anger, you will feel guilt. But know that you were loved by him. Talk to him, let him know you still love him. Spend time with family and friends who also loved him. Talk about the good times, because I'm sure that's how he would want you to remember him. Joking and laughing is not only what he would want, but it is cathartic to you as well.

My thoughts are with you in your time of pain.

Thank you for your kind words. It's funny since my Dad took his own life, everybody seems to know somebody who has done the same. The mind is such a complicated thing. I wish I knew what was going through my Dad's before he did it. He liked a drink and did silly things but never in a million years would I have thought this. I do feel angry but the feeling I feel most is just sadness. It's natural us humans want to feel contentness and now I don't, I did. I was looking around my dream weddind venue today and all I could think is, my Dad won't b there and that'l b on my mind the whole day! I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle, friends and your Dad x

claireabella84 · Oct 21, 2012, 12:56 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I lost my father many years back, but for him, he spent the last three or four years not even knowing where he was, he did not know my name when I went to see him, thought I was one of the nursing staff.

He got where he could not walk or even talk toward the end., I think it was harder seeing him get like that, than his actual passing.

Mom died a few years ago, she died in the kitchen cooking, she went the way she would have wanted.

Ah I'm sorry for both your losses. It must have been awful to see your Dad like that, at least my Dad choose his fate. I want my Mam for aslong as I possibly can. I hope their passing were not close together for you, at least your Mam was doing something she liked. Nothing is forever is it, I love life, maybe not at the moment but I want children and I hope they will fill my hole in my heart. All being well.