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jtswife · Oct 13, 2012, 11:33 AM

Hi I have an almost 21 year old son, whom after years of drama ( getting arrested, car accidents, stealing, drinking and being abusive to his father and I) we asked him to leave our home.

He is now out of the house but won't respond to my texts and I am afraid of not him being in my life at all.

I tried everything to be a good mom, was always there and supportive of him. He has been disrespectful of me and his dad and our property. When he drinks, he gets abusive and the last straw was when he threatened to physically hurt us.

How do I deal with the emotions of knowing that he had to go, but he is still my child and I don't want to live my life without him.

Any advice?

joypulv · Oct 13, 2012, 11:46 AM

I am puzzled that you would even expect one response to a text, call, email, or letter.
You did what you had to do, and he is an adult. He has to learn how to be his own person all by himself, without you. You have no choice but to wait for that to happen (and yes, he could end up face down in a ditch). But to keep contacting him just adds to his confusion about being on his own and not hating you for letting him soak off you even while that's what he kept doing. He won't 'get it' for quite a while. You MUST WAIT. Countless parents go through this. You could probably find a support group locally or online.

talaniman · Oct 13, 2012, 11:59 AM

There are no easy answers to the feelings of a parent who has to show tough love to an wayward out of control child.

But I think it starts with STOP trying to contact him, and deepening your worry.

jtswife · Oct 13, 2012, 12:01 PM

I know you are right about everything. Its just hard to not know how he is and I do question why I even care which I know sounds mean. After all he has put us through.

joypulv · Oct 13, 2012, 12:10 PM

It's OK to be fed up. Don't get into a vicious cycle of guilt with yourself. You love him the way he was but right now he's awful. You put your heart and soul into it. There's no need to feel like you have to do anything while he sorts out his life. Life IS tough for 20 something's in a recession, and many of them do end up with their parents, but not so tough that they have to abuse the good things they had. Keep telling yourself that he is an adult and you don't have to give and give and give and tolerate all the things parents put up with.

jtswife · Oct 13, 2012, 12:12 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

It's OK to be fed up. Don't get into a vicious cycle of guilt with yourself. You love him the way he was but right now he's awful. You put your heart and soul into it. There's no need to feel like you have to do anything while he sorts out his life. Life IS tough for 20 somethings in a recession, and many of them do end up with their parents, but not so tough that they have to abuse the good things they had. Keep telling yourself that he is an adult and you don't have to give and give and give and tolerate all the things parents put up with.

Thank you so much I really appreciate the support