[JudyKayTee]

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. What are you willing to do? I hear a lot of excuses, a lot of wishy washy, coming from you. I'm betting your daughter knows this, and that's why she can push your buttons so easily.

She's 21, she's not 11. You are not responsible to support her anymore. She's an adult, and if she wants to live her own life, sleep with her boyfriend, and not obey rules at home, then she can be responsible for her own expenses, like every adult has to do.

She doesn't need a cell phone, that's a luxury, so turn the bill over to her. If she can't pay it, then that's on her. She doesn't need a car, she can take the bus, that's what unemployed people do. So stop paying for her car, let her get a job if she wants to keep it.

If she's not willing to follow the rules when you're supporting her, then let her make her own rules, but on your terms. You do not need to give her everything she wants. She's a spoiled little princess, and that's why she's acting this way. It's time to cut the apron strings and let princess figure out what the real world is all about.

I've got to agree with Alty here - I see you asking for advice and then having all sorts of reasons you can't follow the advice.

You hope "we" are all mothers, because it's not easy? No one that I can see has been unsympathetic. The men who have answered probably haven't been mothers, but they have been children. I'm a stepmother, times 5.

Financial disclosure and signing checks are two different things.

Again - no one has been unsympathetic. There is also no guarantee who will answer your question. Odds are actually against it being a mother who is supporting a daughter totally and a daughter who would prefer to spend time with her boyfriend rather than her family.

[J_9]

Oh, I am very sympathetic. Do you know how hard it was for me to send my 18 year old daughter off into the world to fend for herself? It was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. Much harder than sending my two oldest sons off to Iraq.

However, with that said, I HAD to do it! Why? Because I want her to be a responsible adult. An adult that respects what she gets because it wasn't handed to her on a silver platter, but rather she had to work hard to earn it.

She has a boyfriend as well, so I DO understand where you are coming from. However, my daughter chooses to come home and spend the weekend with her family.

You see, this was homecoming weekend for her school. She chose to stay away this weekend to participate in the activities. Well, I work nights, 7pm to 7am, and I came home this morning to her car in the driveway. She said it was because she misses us. Not to get money, not to see her boyfriend.

In my home we set boundaries at an early age. We enforced the rules, and we had structure. My children had to earn what they wanted. I did/do not give allowances, but they work around the house. Do laundry, dishes, vacuum, etc. Whenever they want something, they get it. BUT, if they did not help around the house, they had/have to put it on a list to remind them of what they want. This helps give them the incentive to help.

It seems as though you have done virtually everything for your daughter, and that's not a bad thing really, but now she is taking advantage of your generosity.

So, you can either put your foot down and be firm with the actions and the consequences, or you can be wishy washy and give her what she wants, then complain that you aren't getting to spend time with her. You can't have it both ways.

Don't let her tell you there are no jobs, I understand the economy and I can guarantee you that there ARE jobs in her college town. Heck, my daughter's school website actually posts job openings in the area for their students. My daughter had her pick of 5 jobs from her school website alone.

I have a feeling you are afraid to put your foot down and have her mad at you and distance herself from you even more than she has already.

[J_9]

I would like to back up for a minute.

What was yours and her father's relationship with her before she went to college? Is this new behavior?