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JudyKayTee · Oct 3, 2012, 12:50 PM

Originally Posted by purple338

She said there are no jobs.she also said fine i will sleep at home!even though everyone sleepsout!

How did you respond? She's playing passive/aggressive.

Maria1323 · Oct 3, 2012, 01:07 PM

I see how that's hard, but the thing is that she's used to being on her own now, so sleeping with her boyfriend is totally normal.
Yelling at her or telling her she can't is going to make her distant, and she'll just go somewhere else to do it.

Wondergirl · Oct 3, 2012, 01:10 PM

Originally Posted by Maria1323

I see how that's hard, but the thing is that she's used to being on her own now, so sleeping with her bf is totally normal.
Yelling at her or telling her she can't is going to make her distant, and she'll just go somewhere else to do it.

She's NOT used to being on her own. Her parents pay for everything.

Maria1323 · Oct 3, 2012, 01:12 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

She's NOT used to being on her own. Her parents pay for everything.

I mean she's used to being "alone". For a 21 year old, that's "on your own" lol.
She's used to staying up as late as she wants, she's used to not having to follow mom and dad's rules, and she's used to seeing her boyfriend.

Wondergirl · Oct 3, 2012, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by Maria1323

I mean she's used to being "alone". For a 21 year old, that's "on your own" lol.
She's used to staying up as late as she wants, she's used to not having to follow mom and dad's rules, and she's used to seeing her boyfriend.

And thus, she needs to be in charge of her financial life too.

purple338 · Oct 3, 2012, 05:03 PM

See that's what she tells me.she has a hard time coming home because she does what she wants at school.when she comes home yes she is expected to act like our dght. Not a college student.I also have a 17 year old dght. That my 21 year old is upsetting by all of this.my 21 year old states I am unreasonable.at home its attitude then back at school its tears.

Wondergirl · Oct 3, 2012, 05:10 PM

Originally Posted by purple338

See thats what she tells me.she has a hard time coming home because she does what she wants at school.when she comes home yes she is expected to act like our dght. Not a college student.i also have a 17 year old dght. That my 21 year old is upsetting by all of this.my 21 year old states i am unreasonable.at home its attitude then back at school its tears.

I went to college and managed to be a daughter at home and a student at school. Of course, back then we didn't sleep with boyfriends.

Since she wants to be an independent adult and no longer a daughter, time for her to be totally responsible for herself.

purple338 · Oct 3, 2012, 05:30 PM

She making me the bad guy saying you don't want me to be happy you want me to break up with him.I told her that's not true but he is 4 years older than you he is not a 21 year old student like you.trying to get through to a 21 year old is getting harder.

Wondergirl · Oct 3, 2012, 05:38 PM

Originally Posted by purple338

She making me the bad guy saying you dont want me to be happy you want me to break up with him.i told her thats not true but he is 4 years older than you he is not a 21 year old student like you.trying to get through to a 21 year old is getting harder.

And happy is what?

joypulv · Oct 3, 2012, 05:40 PM

You are arguing each issue with us, instead of the big picture. You are half the problem (not meant to be critical, just an observation) by giving in to all her arguments. You also are getting sidetracked into the age of her boyfriend, and this is just going to go nowhere.

Make a list of what you spend on her in a given month. After giving a short lecture on how taking on financial responsibility is for her own good, go over the list with her and tell her to cut 20% a month for the next 3 months. Don't mention how much time she spends with her boyfriend, or any side topics. This is all about money and enabling and taking advantage and showing no appreciation.

purple338 · Oct 3, 2012, 05:55 PM

The showing no of no respect I think is the bigger slap in the face.I just didn't sleep at my boyfriends house I had to wait to we were married because it was what my father said.

joypulv · Oct 3, 2012, 06:30 PM

Originally Posted by purple338

The showing no of no respect i think is the bigger slap in the face.i just didnt sleep at my boyfriends house i had to wait to we were married because it was what my father said.

Yes - didn't we all.

Sidetracking again. Sit her down and stay on the subject of financial responsibility and what is done under the roof YOU pay for. Try to keep the emotions about lack of respect out of it or you won't get anywhere. That has to happen as a result of what she learns she is expected to do. Be clear, be exact, and don't give in once you do it.

JudyKayTee · Oct 4, 2012, 06:35 AM

Originally Posted by Maria1323

I see how that's hard, but the thing is that she's used to being on her own now, so sleeping with her bf is totally normal.
Yelling at her or telling her she can't is going to make her distant, and she'll just go somewhere else to do it.

Where do you read that she's on her own?

EDIT: When you say "on her own," you don't think supporting herself is necessary.

And to the OP - I would stop arguing with her and defending yourself to her and/or us. These would be the new rules. Follow them or sink.

She continues to turn this passive/aggressive ("sigh, well, I guess you want me to break up with Bozo") and avoid the issues. And you are allowing it.

saltlifek · Oct 6, 2012, 12:25 PM

She's 21, let her be.

Wondergirl · Oct 6, 2012, 12:33 PM

Originally Posted by saltlifek

She's 21, let her be.

It's not that easy. Mother supports her financially in every way. Of course, if the young woman totally supported herself, I'd agree with you.

JudyKayTee · Oct 6, 2012, 01:04 PM

Originally Posted by saltlifek

She's 21, let her be.

Does "let he be" mean to stop supporting her and let her sink or swim OR do nothing and live with things the way they are OR something else?

purple338 · Oct 6, 2012, 07:41 PM

Colleges require the parents tax info. Each year for some financial aide.parents are responsible to do this until age 24.so this let it be isn't working for me. If the school wants my money then its my rules. Which includes good grades.I hope everyone giving advice has gone through this in some way.I mean with young adults and that you are mothers.its not easy.

J_9 · Oct 6, 2012, 07:50 PM

They require you tax info, but they don't require that YOU pay the tuition. Yes, I'm going through that right now and my 18 year old daughter is paying her own way. I will only provide $2000 per semester and she knew this in advance of applying to a college where she could not stay at home.

Alty · Oct 6, 2012, 08:38 PM

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. What are you willing to do? I hear a lot of excuses, a lot of wishy washy, coming from you. I'm betting your daughter knows this, and that's why she can push your buttons so easily.

She's 21, she's not 11. You are not responsible to support her anymore. She's an adult, and if she wants to live her own life, sleep with her boyfriend, and not obey rules at home, then she can be responsible for her own expenses, like every adult has to do.

She doesn't need a cell phone, that's a luxury, so turn the bill over to her. If she can't pay it, then that's on her. She doesn't need a car, she can take the bus, that's what unemployed people do. So stop paying for her car, let her get a job if she wants to keep it.

If she's not willing to follow the rules when you're supporting her, then let her make her own rules, but on your terms. You do not need to give her everything she wants. She's a spoiled little princess, and that's why she's acting this way. It's time to cut the apron strings and let princess figure out what the real world is all about.

StanMarsh · Oct 6, 2012, 10:44 PM

First of all, I think you should stop being so generous. I don't really think you're "enabling" because what are you enabling her to do? NOT visit with you? She could decide she doesn't want to see you that much whether you pay her bills or not. Secondly, accept the fact that she doesn't want to see you as often as you want to see her. Just because you pay all her expenses doesn't mean you own her time. You can't buy love. She just is not at a place in her life right now where she needs you emotionally (obviously she needs your financial assistance). You should be happy about that. Life is good for her, she's happy and she doesn't need you to comfort her. Perhaps things won't be so easy if you stop footing the bill but I don't think you have a right to be upset that she's not head over heels for you JUST because you fund her entire life.
Think about it like this... a girl has a crush on a boy and offers to do his homework and his reports and for that he gets A's in his classes. She's expecting him to ask her to prom but he doesn't feel that way about her. Does she have a right to demand he take her? She was the one who let herself be used. You're the girl. You're being used but you can't make demands on your daughters time. Just cut her off, or cut back. She might go a long time without seeing you at all (after all, the 2 nights you do get from her might simply be out of obligation and guilt), but she won't feel like she owes you something.