[Rebeqa]

When I found myself heartbroken for the first time, I screwed myself over my getting drunk, partying and bringing a different guy home every night. Even after a year, I still can't forgive myself for it. It was a bad break up. I loved him for three years and although I deny it now and have successfully got my life back, I know I still care for him and wouldn't mind being with him if I could accept him back.

Somewhere in between, I found a great guy whom I respected a lot and he became the reason I sobered up. First, I went out with him for pity but now, I'm attached to him. I feel like I do love him in some way although not as strong as before but I still love him. My problem is, he broke up with me and I’m heartbroken all over again. This time, I don't want to be a skank, I want him back. But I feel like the problem is me... I’m the reason I’m heart broken. How do I solve this?

P.S. I’m also a majorly insecure person when it comes to love, deny to believe that someone loves me and am also deprived of all forms of love

[JennaC]

Hiya,

So here's the reason you're so heartbroken: you got dumped. It happens. There is nothing wrong with you as a person. People get dumped all the time and you are not alone.

With that said, I'm glad that you're identifying that this does indeed have to do with YOU getting over it and that you know not to drink. That's a very mature and self-aware view to take, kudos. I'd recommend you maintain zero contact with the former fella, lay off the alcohol and rely on your friends for shoulders to cry on/vent to. These things will help you the most. The next thing you I recommend is perhaps speaking to a therapist to find the reasons you feel like you're so insecure. Do you get scared to talk to people, do you dislike how you look about your appearance (whatever detail it may be)? Are you in school - if so, are you a good student?

The reason I ask these seemingly unrelated questions is because depending on your answers you could do things that might help you boost your confidence, in conjunction with talking to a psychologist. You're not nuts, don't worry. I think everyone and their neighbor should see one at some point in their lives just for unbiased viewpoints and to find healthy ways to deal with bad situations. Try to join an intramural volleyball club, or get to the gym 3 days a week, or just start walking a lot more if you can. These kinds of things will keep you active and keep that guy off your mind.

I hope this helps, these are things that I've done in the past after really awful breakups and worked wonders for me. And I don't think you are/were a skank, sometimes people go through promiscuous periods of their lives to get through rough times, it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, but still happens.

[Rebeqa]

Thanks. My problem is not really getting through this though. I just don't have anyone to talk to about it :(

[talaniman]

You do now, so vent away.

[Wondergirl]

Thanks. My problem is not really getting through this though. I just don't have anyone to talk to about it :(

We're here. Tell us about you. What drives you to party and drink and want to sabotage good relationships? Why don't you think you are "good enough"?

[Rebeqa]

It's not about not being good enough, every time I feel hurt, I feel the need to go do something stupid which'll hurt me more... my family's never been the best place to be, I've not really felt love in a long while and I had a bad experience with bullies so I don't trust friends/ girls... I guess I relied on him to be my best friend and love me but, what I need's a friend not a boyfriend. But that's hard to do since I don't like girls and boys only want to be my guy. So I tend to end up in this sort of mess

[Wondergirl]

every time I feel hurt, I feel the need to go do something stupid which'll hurt me more... my family's never been the best place to be, I've not really felt love in a long while

Tell me more about that.

[Rebeqa]

What more is there? I'm just alone.

[Wondergirl]

what more is there? i'm just alone.

Why do you feel the need to do something stupid?

You're not alone. You've got me (and us).

[Rebeqa]

Why do you feel the need to do something stupid?

You're not alone. You've got me (and us).

Dunnno.. I guess it's just the need to numb the initial hurt by feeling hate and anger...

[Wondergirl]

dunnno.. I guess it's just the need to numb the initial hurt by feeling hate and anger...

By feeling hate and anger toward yourself...

Don't get mad at the other person. (Heaven forbid!) Instead, do something so you can be mad at yourself. That's safer?

[Rebeqa]

I can't hate and I don't like being hurt. Not really a bad person at heart. And I can't discredit my love and care by instantly hating him the moment he hurts me.For me, loving someone doesn't work that way... It takes a lot of time for me because I only make way for people who I care for and trust and the ones who really get me... and it's not that I hate myself, it's just that letting go and being stupid gets so much fun that I forget things... makes sense?

[talaniman]

Makes a lot of sense. You are hardly the first to do dumb things when you are hurt by love. There is a better safer way to handle rejection, and hurt... love yourself, and do good things for YOURSELF!

Adding more pain to hide pain is never the way to go.