[CatchThat]

Please bare with me. I'm new here. Ok so I've been seeing this girl for about 9 months give or take. She has been pursuing me for a quite a while. We have history together and I used to mess around with this girl years ago. Known her for about 11 years because we used to work together. She came into the picture again last year. As I said before she was pursuing me hard but I kept rejecting, in a polite way. I finally gave in last year in December and made the first move. Heading into the new year it was on and off a little because of me. I was very hesitant and didn't want to make any rash decisions.

Before her, I was single for 7 years, by choice. We finally really hit it off in February to March. Going out a lot, intimate etc etc. It was really intense but we were so into each other. She has two kids by the way, 8 &7. Baby daddy is a "dead beat". She told me about her past ex's and how she's been hurt in the past and her last ex being manipulative, verbally abusive and always accusing her of things that were not true. He was very controlling. She has major trust issues especially with her sister who, years ago, had a baby with her ex boyfriend while they were together at the time. She doesn't trust. We were spending a lot of time together almost everyday but we weren't in a relationship. She has told me that she puts me in a different category and that she trusts me more than any other ex because she knows me.

She even spoke about a future with me at one point. Well one day, something happened, back in June, that took a turn. We had a talk and she hit me with "I wanna slow things down". She says she doesn't want to be in a relationship and she doesn't want to feel like she's in one for many reasons. She's majoring in psychology, she has two kids that she's raising alone and she's always been in a relationship and needs a break from that. I asked her if there is any other guy that she's interested in and she said no there's no one else. She just can't be in a relationship right now.

I asked if she still has feelings for me and she said yes. I also asked her that if she wants to see other people let me know, but I won't be here for that. I'm not interested in seeing other people(I'm 31 by the way and she's 28), but if she wants to do that then that's her choice, but I won't be here for that and I'll go my way. She says there's no one else. She just wants to take things slow and not rush things. She doesn't want to mess this up. She believes its sometimes too good to be true and I mean a lot to her so she "doesn't know how to handle that sometimes". She says she doesn't want to lose me and doesn't want me out of her life at all. She also said that in the end, the person who she does end up with she would love for him to be me. I agreed to slow things down. But since then, she's been calling me a lot. She always calls. We talk everyday and I see her on weekends etc. We slowed down on the intimate part. But she's always looking for me, always calling, always texting. Sort of like a friendship thing. We talk almost the whole day about everything. She also told me once that she wants her husband to be her best friend. Now the thing is this and I'm sorry for the long post, but, we're in September and this happened back in June. I'm slowly falling for this girl. And I don't know how to tell her because I don't want to scare her away or have her think or pressure her into a relationship. I'm not really looking for one now as well because I want to get situated as well. I'm going back to school. But I'm falling for this girl and I don't know if she feels the same(in which I doubt). Should I tell her or keep it in and wait a little longer? I really care about this girl. I don't know what to do and this is eating me inside. Help?

[Toxic_Kiwiw]

Maybe she's falling for you too, like the way you're falling for her. It might be why she always calls you and looks for you etc. Perhaps she's thinking the same way you are, in that she feels that if she tells you then she might scare you away. Maybe you could drop in a few hints about the relationship between you two, or you could have 'the talk' with her, and ask her if your relationship is going anywhere or if you'll be able to ge back together anytime soon. I haven't had much experience wit relationships so I don't know if this is going to help or not but I hope it does :] Oh and I hope everything works out for you both

[CatchThat]

Maybe she's falling for you too, like the way you're falling for her. It might be why she always calls you and looks for you ect. Perhaps she's thinking the same way you are, in that she feels that if she tells you then she might scare you away. Maybe you could drop in a few hints about the relationship between you two, or you could have 'the talk' with her, and ask her if your relationship is going anywhere or if you'll be able to ge back together anytime soon. I haven't had much experience wit relationships so I don't know if this is going to help or not but I hope it does :] Oh and I hope everything works out for you both

Thank you for taking the time out to reply. I don't know if she's feeling the same way. We don't hang during the week like we used to. I could understand though cause she's busy with school. The thing is, she's always contacting me. She does most of the calling. Ive had "the talk" with her back in June and she made it clear that she doesn't want a relationship right now. Nor does she want to feel like she's in one. But yet, she doesn't want to lose me or want me out of her life. She's always calling me. Its crazy how much she calls me. I see her on some weekends last weekend I didn't. Don't know what to do cause I don't don't want her to feel pressured into doing anything. She's the only one I'm seeing but its going slow. And I'm slowly falling for her. Thank you again for replying and wishing me luck.

[talaniman]

She put you in the friend zone guy and there you will stay for a while despite your high hopes and growing attachment. She NEEDS a friend, not a boy friend, so back away to a safe distance by NOT being so available to her, and expand your social life to keep this and your feelings under control, and in the proper perspective.

After all friends do have separate lives apart don't they? Why wait around hoping for more when you should be exploring and experimenting on your own, in your own world. Personally, I would have bowed out gracefully, and disappeared for a while to get my head wrapped around these changes and went back to doing my thing like you were before you got involved with her.

Not too late, and skip the drama. Others will come along so no need to bump your post unless its to add information, or ask additional questions.

[CatchThat]

She put you in the friend zone guy and there you will stay for a while despite your high hopes and growing attachment. She NEEDS a friend, not a boy friend, so back away to a safe distance by NOT being so available to her, and expand your social life to keep this and your feelings under control, and in the proper perspective.

After all friends do have separate lives apart don't they? Why wait around hoping for more when you should be exploring and experimenting on your own, in your own world. Personally, I would have bowed out gracefully, and disappeared for a while to get my head wrapped around these changes and went back to doing my thing like you were before you got involved with her.

Not too late, and skip the drama. Others will come along so no need to bump your post unless its to add information, or ask additional questions.

I totally hear what you're saying. Every time someone asks if she's with someone etc, she would say that she's "seeing someone but its not serious". My question would be, if she friend zoned me, how do I get out of this completely. Even it means just getting out of this altogether for the sake of my own heart. I really don't want to date anyone. And from what she tells me, she's not dating anyone else neither. Or so she says. How do I play a safe distance? I really don't want to get hurt in all of this.

[Fr_Chuck]

And boyfriends and girlfriends have some separate lives, my own wife and I after all these years have to do something's separate, always together is not a good thing.

Share and be honest, and be there as a friend

[CatchThat]

And boyfriends and girlfriends have some separate lives, my own wife and I after all these years have to do somethings separate, always together is not a good thing.

Share and be honest, and be there as a friend

You're right. So should I tell her that I'm falling for her or not say anything at all?

[talaniman]

And what's accomplished by that? Proving you are waiting around for romance? She knows how you feel, but has chosen friendship over romance. Distant at that. I would take the hint, and focus on my own life period.

[CatchThat]

And whats accomplished by that? Proving you are waiting around for romance? She knows how you feel, but has chosen friendship over romance. Distant at that. I would take the hint, and focus on my own life period.

I don't think its proving that I'm waiting around for romance. I just can't ignore these feelings and repress them. She still says that we're seeing each other, we're just taking things slow. She's not seeing anyone else. I personally don't think cuddling and kissing is being friend zoned. Is there something wrong with taking things slow? I'm not trying to undermine her feelings. I'm taking her words at face value when it comes to her not wanting anything serious right now. She's not playing games with me, we've spoke about this. I am actually trying to focus on myself. Sometimes I just want to let her know where I stand on how I'm feeling for her now. What's so wrong about that?

[talaniman]

Just curious as you have said she wants no relationship, nothing serious, so what is confessing your feelings supposed to accomplish? Why are you even cuddling and kissing some one who wants no exclusive commitment?

I just think things are unclear, and acting as a couple doesn't make you one since its just keeps you falling in deeper than she is. Sorry guy, I could be wrong, but you did get dumped, or rejected from a relationship, and instead of disappearing, and regrouping, you have just gone along with her changing the rules.

That's how I see it, so again what would expressing your feelings gain you? I mean what's she supposed to do when you tell her you are falling for her, move faster? Change her mind (AGAIN)? I doubt it.

[CatchThat]

Just curious as you have said she wants no relationship, nothing serious, so what is confessing your feelings supposed to accomplish? Why are you even cuddling and kissing some one who wants no exclusive commitment?

I just think things are unclear, and acting as a couple doesn't make you one since its just keeps you falling in deeper than she is. Sorry guy, I could be wrong, but you did get dumped, or rejected from a relationship, and instead of disappearing, and regrouping, you have just gone along with her changing the rules.

Thats how I see it, so again what would expressing your feelings gain you? I mean whats she supposed to do when you tell her you are falling for her, move faster? Change her mind (AGAIN)? I doubt it.

I hear what you're saying and I really appreciate you taking the time out to respond to me. This just has me thinking. Should I stop things with her and cut off all contact or try and shut down these emotions, make myself less available while still being a friend to her. Ive known her for a long time. Cutting off all contact would seem pretty drastic. We do have a good friendship before anything. I'm just confused man and these emotions are really messing with me.

I'm not one for playing games, but I heard giving the gift of absence to a female sometimes works. Should I make her feel as if she's "losing me". She's stated before that she doesn't want to lose me at all. She doesn't want to rush things and mess things up, supposedly. Sometimes I over think things and it just drives me insane. I hate this feeling.

[talaniman]

I understand the confused feelings my friend, when you want something and can't have it, and its seems so close you can touch it (or cuddle and kiss it). Yet you are afraid to let go and ruin any chance of having it.

Clearly the lines of friends and benefits has been blurred. If you are still talking kissing and cuddling hoping for more then you are friends with benefits,and NO commitment. That's fine if you have nothing else to do, but obviously she has you when she wants you. While you are wanting more and spinning your wheels to figure out how to get it.

Playing games to make her miss you is a losers game, and NOT being a true friend unless you fully know that a romantic commitment will likely never happen under these circumstances.

Now taking some time away from this friendship may be what you need to cope with your feelings and get your head in a better place so you can make a decision on what YOU want and the path to get it. Not with her maybe, but at least you will not be in limbo, or falling for some one that wants attention without commitment.

Takes two to define and agree on the boundaries and nature of whatever this is, and so far, she is calling all the shots for you both. Friends don't cuddle and kiss for sure. For sure you should be doing your thing and letting her be a phone friend only. But I doubt you can handle that either.

[LOLLYLYNCH]

Hi, sorry for the trouble you are in, I think talking is the best way forward, tell her that u want to be there for her and her kids because as a single mother she has to put them first protect them. This could be one of her reasons to take things slow. But u have to look after your own feels first, it might seem scary to put it all on the line but in the end at least you would know ether way.

[CatchThat]

Hello all. Just thought I'd give you a little update on my on going situation. I haven't hung out with her in about a month. Some days I'm good and some days are bad. But I think I'm not the same as before, eve if it is just a tad. She still calls by the way, but, something happened this past Friday. She called me and we spoke for a while etc.

The next day, I didn't hit her up. She was going out that night and I knew about it because she said she was having a girls night out. I didn't call her on Saturday, nor text her and vice versa. I told myself I was not going to contact her at all, being that I'm not with her and I'm not obligated to. I didn't do this until today.

I wasn't going to contact her at all, but this morning, she did. She sent me a text saying "Hola stranger". I kept it short. Then she called me a few hours later. I didn't pick up because I was busy at work, but called back 30m later. My question is, should I just back off slowly and not really respond, or take my time responding to her. Like a day later or half a day later? I don't want to be available to her and I want her to realize that I'm not going to be there for her like before. My feelings for her have not died down yet completely. Any advice, thoughts?

[talaniman]

Why tease your heart with idle chit chat and conversation? Being a friend that hopes for more is not a good situation.

[CatchThat]

Why tease your heart with idle chit chat and conversation? Being a friend that hopes for more is not a good situation.

You're right. I was also thinking sitting down with her and just letting her know to give me space and not contact me till these feelings subside and go away. Because we were friends first. Is that a good idea? Cause she's not going to stop contacting me. Good idea?

[talaniman]

If you have to, but seems to me knowing how you feel, she should back off on her own.

[CatchThat]

If you have to, but seems to me knowing how you feel, she should back off on her own.

Just want to give you an update. We spoke on the 26th of October. I set everything up because she didn't know how to tell me that she wanted nothing and she didn't want to hurt my feelings(found this out during our conversation, in which I already knew).

I said my piece, let her know I felt, called her out on a few things are far as dragging me along etc etc. She didn't mean to etc etc. She told me that she wants to stay friends with me and admitted that if she saw me move on and seen pics that it would bother her but she doesn't want anything with anyone now. She also told me that she actually did want something with me earlier this year but then something switched in her. Its whatever. We "ended" things on a good note though.

She also mentioned that if she starts flirting again later on to just push her away. Anyway, I told her I need my distance and not to take it personal if I don't respond to her texts, phone calls etc right or even at all, because I need to heal and get over her

She didn't like what I said but she respected it. She has called me a few weeks back to use me as an emotional crutch. I picked up on it. I told her politely to not do that. I'm not going to be that person that she could use(while I'm healing) as an emotional crutch. During this time though I am getting much much better. Going out a lot more. Using this time to reflect as well. Also made new friends along the way which is really cool. I'm "finding myself" again. This has been an experience for sure.

[heeeyzers]

That's so cute :)
I think that you should begin dealing, but tell her if this doesn't work out, that you just want to be friends,

[talaniman]

Just want to give you an update. We spoke on the 26th of October. I set everything up because she didn't know how to tell me that she wanted nothing and she didn't want to hurt my feelings(found this out during our convo, in which I already knew).

I said my piece, let her know I felt, called her out on a few things are far as dragging me along etc etc. She didn't mean to etc etc. She told me that she wants to stay friends with me and admitted that if she saw me move on and seen pics that it would bother her but she doesn't want anything with anyone now. She also told me that she actually did want something with me earlier this year but then something switched in her. Its whatever. We "ended" things on a good note though.

She also mentioned that if she starts flirting again later on to just push her away. Anyway, I told her I need my distance and not to take it personal if I don't respond to her texts, phone calls etc right or even at all, because I need to heal and get over her

She didn't like what I said but she respected it. She has called me a few weeks back to use me as an emotional crutch. I picked up on it. I told her politely to not do that. I'm not gonna be that person that she could use(while I'm healing) as an emotional crutch. During this time though I am getting much much better. Going out a lot more. Using this time to reflect as well. Also made new friends along the way which is really cool. I'm "finding myself" again. This has been an experience for sure.

Break ups suck but you have handled it with dignity, grace, and self respect. It gets better so no regrets. Just the good memories.