[Colin7]

Hey all... new to this site and found some great advice (so thanks in advance).

Brief history - I'm 37, my Ex is 36. We dated 5 months but grew extremely close in a very short time... and no, it went beyond the "honeymoon stage" into "love". We both appreciate the value of honesty, friendship, trust and maturity. We were starting to have some differences about various things and Isensed her distance. She is a teacher and goingto grad school so she always has work to do so I feel "we" were interferring with her work/studies which is very important to her. I never pressured her to take me over her studies, rather I encouraged her to study and I actually studied with her. She also wanted me to come to her home more often... ok, admittedly selfish I didn't but I've acknowledged this to her and am willing to do what is right.

Last Monday (after spending some relaxing time together the day before) she asked me for "space" and that she couldn't give 100% to me right now. Yes, it stung because I truly love this woman but I understand and have respected her wishes. Although I've been dying inside I've not contacted her at all. I wouldn't want to push her away.

Tuesday night we bump into each other outside our gym and we have a nice, cordial conversation. She tells me she has something of mine and would I want it back (ok, symbolism here). On the way to here car we continue to talk and I mention I've started therapy (not because of this situation but because I want to get to know me better). She is a HUGE proponent of therapy. I also did not use this as a carrrot to get her back... it was sincere. We have a nice conversation and I tell her it was nice to see her and I walk away. I made NO reference to getting back together, I miss her/us, how much I'm hurting, nothing.

NOW... (I've not had contact with her since she asked for space... its been reciprocal) I get a text message from her later that night (2hrs later) saying she thinks it's great I'm going back to therapy (with a smiley face at the end of the message). I was excited because she actually took the time to stop what she was doing to write a message to me (she was obviously thinking about me and our conversation).
I don't respond until midday yesterday saying "I think it's great too. Thanks" and then made a reference to congratulating a mutual friend who just gave birth. She then responds in kind. I've not responded and don't plan to for fear of crowding her.

Would you consider her initial text as the beginning of an open door of communication?

Thanks in advance for any feedback.

[Nohitter410]

I would say no not yet... let her contact you

You showed her therapy is for working on you which you said wasn't a ploy to getting back together. So why would you want to start talking right away again. You need more time for you. She knows what you are doing now, contact won't solve anything but just confuse things. Don't let every little text or call and make it something more. You ran into her, she doesn't hate you, so she had a nice conversation and was glad to see you happy. Leave it at that, get yourself better and in a happy place and if she wants to contact you she knows where you are.

[jonalisa]

She may be happy and relieved that you are taking her need for space so well. Take this time to do some things for yourself - and yes, it's hard to do that when you don't have assurance that this time of separatiion is going to be temporary or permanent. But it sounds like you could benefit from some introspection and attention to yourself. To suddenly start calling her might feel like pressure to her. Remember how you were when she became attracted to you... self-reliant, confident, more of an individual, perhaps? Try to think of this as an opportunity to do something different - take your mind off it, take a class, get a hobby. But I also think it's important to let her know now and again, that you miss her, that you hope the space is helping her and that while it is very hard for you, you do it because you love her. Good luck, jonalisa

[talaniman]

Go slow, there is no hurry, live your life and let her call. I think she thought things where moving to fast and I can respect that as she does have a lot on her plate. 5 months is not a long time but taking your time to get to know each other is the way to go.

[Colin7]

Thanks all for the sound advice.

You're right Talaniman 5 months is quick to start discussing these things. We both brought them up - it wasn't one-sided. I guess it was the fantasy that was alluring to her but when the pixie dust started to settle, she got a little spooked.

Further background - I recently came through a divorce (I met my "Ex" while I was finalizing it and she stood by me throughout it all). She went through a horendous engagement a few years ago and eventually broke it off. I can see where we both could be moving too fast here. She is more than likely weary of serious, long term comittment because of her past.

She has told me she hasn't met anyone or felt this complete with anyone in years... this was obviously prior to her asking for space. She is NOT a cheater by any stretch of the immagination.

I know NC is the way to go here (of which I've been abiding to help me clear my head as well as to avoid pushing her) and I should continue to concentrate on me, as she is concentrating on her. I only assume she is taking her time to think, clear her head and focus on her work and studies.

I know there are no guarantees in Life but I just wish I knew she is coming back someday...

Do I hear J. Geils in the background?? "LOVE STINKS!"

[Skell]

You have some good advice from Tal and you appear to know the route to take here. Don't crowd her and give her the space she has asked for. A conversation followed by one or two text messages certainly isn't any indication that she is ready for anything more yet in my opinion. She is most likely just being a nice person. That's what nice people do.

I would implore you to continue living your life though and don't wait around expecting her to come back. You may set yourself up for some major disappointment. Get out and live life as though she isn't coming back. Look after yourself and be a happy and good person and everything will work out for the best I'm sure.

And learn your lessons. You guys went way to fast and hence you find yourself in this position now. Slow it down and have your own life too!