[Spitfire28]

Im trying to find out my foster care history. My first foster care had their license taken away for beating me and my sisters. I was 5 yrs old then I'm 32 now & I need to make closure. I tried some years back finding out my history but didn't get anywhere.

[JudyKayTee]

Im trying to find out my foster care history. My first foster care had their license taken away for beating me and my sisters. I was 5 yrs old then I'm 32 now & I need to make closure. I tried some years back finding out my history but didn't get anywhere.

Foster care files are almost always "locked." What do you need to know to get closure? Do you have the names of your parents? Do you know why you were put in foster care?

[Alty]

What sort of closure are you looking for? Are you wanting to confront them? Are you hoping that they'll apologize for what they did, so you can move on?

I'm sorry you went through this, but as far as closure is concerned, it's a term that's not all accurate. Most people want their closure. That means they want to confront and have the people they confront act and say exactly what they want to hear so that they can get on with their lives. That never happens. If you find these people, and confront them, it's more than likely that they won't care about what they did to you, or they won't even remember who you are. You'll be worse off than you are now.

The only true way to get closure is to let the past go, forgive those that hurt you (forgiving doesn't mean accepting what was done to you, it means letting it go so you can go on), and find a way to move forward, and stop looking behind you in the past.

[Spitfire28]

What sort of closure are you looking for? Are you wanting to confront them? Are you hoping that they'll apologize for what they did, so you can move on?

I'm sorry you went through this, but as far as closure is concerned, it's a term that's not all accurate. Most people want their closure. That means they want to confront and have the people they confront act and say exactly what they want to hear so that they can get on with their lives. That never happens. If you find these people, and confront them, it's more than likely that they won't care about what they did to you, or they won't even remember who you are. You'll be worse off than you are now.

The only true way to get closure is to let the past go, forgive those that hurt you (forgiving doesn't mean accepting what was done to you, it means letting it go so you can go on), and find a way to move forward, and stop looking behind you in the past.

My real father recently passed away & he is the reason I was put in foster care & now that he is gone, memories were brought back, I know this foster mother wouldn't care if she saw me but I feel I deserve the right as a grown woman to tell her what she did and how awful she was. This is for me not her I couldn't care less what she had to say but I'm not a helpless child now. I'm a mother and wife and would never do what she did. I didn't have my chance as a 5 yr old to stand up for myself, now I do.

[Alty]

I understand your need to confront her, but it won't be possible. There's no way to get the information you're looking for. Unless you remember her name and know her address, you won't be able to confront her.

I wold highly suggest therapy so that you can move on with your life without having to confront this woman. I'm speaking from experience. Not foster care, but other things that I survived as a child. I do have the chance to confront the person that made my life a living hell. With therapy, I learned that my desire to confront her isn't healthy. In order to move on I had to let it go, leave it in the past, and that meant leaving her in the past too.

[JudyKayTee]

My real father recently passed away & he is the reason I was put in foster care & now that he is gone, memories were brought back, I know this foster mother wouldn't care if she saw me but I feel I deserve the right as a grown woman to tell her what she did and how awful she was. This is for me not her I could care less what she had to say but I'm not a helpless child now. I'm a mother and wife and would never do what she did. I didn't have my chance as a 5 yr old to stand up for myself, now I do.

I locate people. That's part of my job. Do you have the names of the foster parents?

I am not saying I will help you. I would like to see if I can locate them and then go from there.

I see both sides of this - I don't know that it's closure. I think you've expressed it well. You couldn't stand up for yourself then. You can now.

If you are willing, post what you have and let's see where it goes. As I said, I'm torn. This happened 30+ years ago and I picture some little old lady. I also close my eyes and picture a 5-year old child -

[Alty]

I get what you're saying Judy. But I'm looking at this from the point of view of a child that was 5 and molested for years by a cousin, and an adult that has a daughter of her own and fears for her safety because of what I lived through.

I've not once confronted my cousin. If I wanted to, I could pick up the phone tomorrow and do it. But in therapy I learned that I won't get closure that way.

Closure has to come from within, not from confrontation, that's what I learned, and it's worked for me. :)

[JudyKayTee]

I get what you're saying Judy. But I'm looking at this from the point of view of a child that was 5 and molested for years by a cousin, and an adult that has a daughter of her own and fears for her safety because of what I lived through.

I've not once confronted my cousin. If I wanted to, I could pick up the phone tomorrow and do it. But in therapy I learned that I won't get closure that way.

Closure has to come from within, not from confrontation, that's what I learned, and it's worked for me. :)

I was the adult victim of rape - as you know.

I needed to confront my accuser. I did. It was closure for me.

[Alty]

I was the adult victim of rape - as you know.

I needed to confront my accuser. I did. It was closure for me.

I guess it really depends on the person. I too was the adult (18) victim of rape. I saw my rapist once after it happened, and I ran away. I never charged him, I never told my parents. It took many years for me to even admit that it happened.

I think we can agree on one thing though. Therapy for the OP is a good idea.

[JudyKayTee]

I guess it really depends on the person. I too was the adult (18) victim of rape. I saw my rapist once after it happened, and I ran away. I never charged him, I never told my parents. It took many years for me to even admit that it happened.

I think we can agree on one thing though. Therapy for the OP is a good idea.

My interest in reporting him was that I had a really strong feeling that I was not the first - and I was afraid I would not be the last. In my case I was injured, needed stitches, there was no way I couldn't say SOMETHING about how I got injured.

I don't know, but I do think I would have reported him anyway. Of course, I can "think" a lot of things. I'll never know 100%.