[gmaof04]

My oldest daughter, 30 year old, has 3 children. She was knocked up by her boyfriend - her first year of college. She has an 11 year old daughter, a 10 year old son and a 7 year old daughter by another man. After kidlet #2 was born, I had to "rescue" her and her 2 children due the child neglect and abuse. I moved her into an apartment, had to pay off the overdue utility bills to get her power turned on, paid her rent for 2 months, bought her groceries, etc. Fast forward to 8 years ago... she met a guy at a bar, had sex with him, got pregnant, then he moved in. He was in prison for 6 months prior to them meeting. Then, as it turns out, he was accused of knocking up a minor a few years before that, it all caught up to him and he ended up in jail locally after he had moved in. Once again, I "rescued her" by picking his dead butt up from jail at 6 am because it was winter and she had just given birth to HIS daughter, to take him to a job he didn't really have. Then, when CSS caught up with the situation, she had to pay back $3500 for childcare she was not entitled to, because they found out he was living there, after being released. She could have ended up in jail for fraud.
Here's the BIG problem... she's been in counseling for the past 5 years. She refuses to let me talk to her counselor but says I AM the reason she's so screwed up in her head. For all I've done for her and her family, I am hurt and now she has decided to discuss her "issues" with my parents. She has come up with this idea that I am somehow an alcoholic. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have an occasional cocktail but I just don't get it. Why does she feel it is important to tear me down? I have spent so much $$$ to keep her family clothed and fed and safe. Wow... I haven't spent any time at all with my grandkidlets as it has become such an issue to even try to plan anything with her. I'm sad... any thoughts?

[JudyKayTee]

My oldest daughter, 30 year old, has 3 children. She was knocked up by her boyfriend - her first year of college. She has an 11 year old daughter, a 10 year old son and a 7 year old daughter by another man. After kidlet #2 was born, I had to "rescue" her and her 2 children due the child neglect and abuse. I moved her into an apartment, had to pay off the overdue utility bills to get her power turned on, paid her rent for 2 months, bought her groceries, etc. Fast forward to 8 years ago... she met a guy at a bar, had sex with him, got pregnant, then he moved in. He was in prison for 6 months prior to them meeting. Then, as it turns out, he was accused of knocking up a minor a few years before that, it all caught up to him and he ended up in jail locally after he had moved in. Once again, I "rescued her" by picking his dead butt up from jail at 6 am because it was winter and she had just given birth to HIS daughter, to take him to a job he didn't really have. Then, when CSS caught up with the situation, she had to pay back $3500 for childcare she was not entitled to, because they found out he was living there, after being released. She could have ended up in jail for fraud.
Here's the BIG problem... she's been in counseling for the past 5 years. She refuses to let me talk to her counselor but says I AM the reason she's so screwed up in her head. For all I've done for her and her family, I am hurt and now she has decided to discuss her "issues" with my parents. She has come up with this idea that I am somehow an alcoholic. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have an occasional cocktail but I just don't get it. Why does she feel it is important to tear me down? I have spent so much $$$ to keep her family clothed and fed and safe. Wow... I haven't spent any time at all with my grandkidlets as it has become such an issue to even try to plan anything with her. I'm sad... any thoughts?

Knocked up? That's how you describe your daughter's pregnancy? I'm more than surprised.

Yes. I have a comment. Were you drinking when you wrote this? These are hardly the words of a sober, stable Grandmother.

Maybe she's not tearing you down. Maybe she's telling you the truth. I suspect - based on what you have posted here - that you are verbally abusive.

[Alty]

We're hearing your side of the story. I'd be interested to see what your daughter would say if she joined in on this thread. I bet we'd get a very different picture.

Fact is, she made her bed, and you lined it with silk sheets, if what you say is true. She gets in trouble, you bail her out. Of course it's all your fault. You've never forced her to be an adult, or a mother!

Next time she's in trouble, let her sink or swim on her own. Stop taking care of a woman that needs to learn to take care of herself and the children she's brought into this world. She obviously doesn't appreciate your help, so stop doing it!

[jenniepepsi]

She sounds like MY mother.


OP, I have to say, you CHOSE to do these things for her. She makes her own decisions. Just because you do not agree with them, does not give you the right to dictate what she does.

If you do not want to help her anymore, then don't.

But you have no right to complain about helping her when you choose to do so.

[baudendi]

I don't agree with adult children blaming their crappy lives on their parents. No parent is perfect. I know I won't be, and I know my parents weren't. But we all do the best we can. She needs to take responsibility for the nightmare her life has become. At a certain point, you have to accept that you and only you are in control of your life. The sad irony is, she blames you for her problems, what does she think her children will do if she continues to live her life this way?

However. You do need to let her sink or swim. She won't change her life until she has to. And right now, you're allowing her a safety net. If you take it away, she might think twice about her actions and decisions in life. I truly believe you're doing what your heart is telling you to- protecting and caring for your baby girl! But there is a point where it becomes a detriment. You're at that point.

[gmaof04]

I don't agree with adult children blaming thier crappy lives on thier parents. No parent is perfect. I know I wont be, and I know my parents weren't. But we all do the best we can. She needs to take responsiblity for the nightmare her life has become. At a certian point, you have to accept that you and only you are in control of your life. The sad irony is, she blames you for her problems, what does she think her children will do if she continues to live her life this way?

However. You do need to let her sink or swim. She won't change her life until she has to. And right now, you're allowing her a safety net. If you take it away, she might think twice about her actions and descisions in life. I truly believe you're doing what your heart is telling you to- protecting and caring for your baby girl! But there is a point where it becomes a detriment. You're at that point.

THANK YOU, baudendi...
At MY age... I am tired of this... just the fact that she will not meet me half way and have a joint session with me, with her counselor (of 5 years!), tells me... nothing she has told this "doctor" is the truth. Why else would she not want me to at least talk to this person to see if I can do anything to "help her"? Makes me very suspicious of "the psychiatric care" she's gotten.

[Alty]

THANK YOU, baudendi...
At MY age... I am tired of this.... just the fact that she will not meet me half way and have a joint session with me, with her counselor (of 5 years!), tells me... nothing she has told this "doctor" is the truth. Why else would she not want me to at least talk to this person to see if I can do anything to "help her"? Makes me very suspicious of "the psychiatric care" she's gotten.

The thing about therapy is that it's private. She may not be telling the truth, or she may be telling too much of the truth, a truth she doesn't want you to hear.

She doesn't have to agree with you talking to her therapist. The therapist wouldn't be able to tell you anything about their sessions anyway, it's called doctor patient confidentiality.

You could make an appointment for yourself to discuss your issues with the therapist, but the therapist will not be able to offer any insight on your daughter based on what the daughter has told him/her.

[gmaof04]

The thing about therapy is that it's private. She may not be telling the truth, or she may be telling too much of the truth, a truth she doesn't want you to hear.

She doesn't have to agree with you talking to her therapist. The therapist wouldn't be able to tell you anything about their sessions anyway, it's called doctor patient confidentiality.

You could make an appointment for yourself to discuss your issues with the therapist, but the therapist will not be able to offer any insight on your daughter based on what the daughter has told him/her.

Thank you... and I understand that. My issue is I don't know what she is upset about without her talking to me. She mentioned her counselor had recommended we have a brief "session" (this was months ago) just to see if she was open to telling me whatEVER has upset her.

I don't want to make her uncomfortable in an environment of scrutiny, dealing with her therapist. But really?

[Alty]

Thank you... and I understand that. My issue is I don't know what she is upset about without her talking to me. She mentioned her counselor had recommended we have a brief "session" (this was months ago) just to see if she was open to telling me whatEVER has upset her.

I don't want to make her uncomfortable in an environment of scrutiny, dealing with her therapist. But really?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Sadly she just sounds like an ungrateful child, and she seems to have a lot of issues, both physical and mental. That's not something you're to blame for, and sadly that's also something you really can't do anything about.

How long has she been in therapy? Where is your husband in all of this? Does she treat him badly too?

[Enigma1999]

Alty made many valid points and good questions...

I would just like to add that I can see why this would upset you. She is your daughter and her children are your grandchildren. It's clear that you love them unconditionally, however, YOU need to NOT bail her out of every situation.

Let me ask you this... have you tried to sit down and talk to her about your feelings? Her feelings?

[jenniepepsi]

I asked for some support on how to deal with a closed minded child.

NO. sorry I cannot agree here.

She is NOT a child.
She is an ADULT

I am sorry if you did not like some of the advice you have received.

But like I previously said, YOU choose to bail her out of her problems, and support her in her bad choices.

I say this with all the respect and tact I can. If you do not like my opinion that is fine. But the way to DEAL with this, is to NOT deal with it anymore.

[gmaof04]

My husband of 20 years is just as bewildered as I am. My daughters" father is not that involved. He was when we were married (for 13 years) kind of...youngest daughter (29 yrs old) considers #2 hubby her father...
Again... she's been in "therapy" for about 5 years.

[LadySam]

I have a question rather than an answer, I'd like a better picture.
You say your daughter has CMT, are you referring to Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease?
I really know very little about the disease.
How much of her behavior may be due to the disease or any medications that she may be on?

[gmaof04]

NO. sorry i cannot agree here.

She is NOT a child.
she is an ADULT

I am sorry if you did not like some of the advice you have received.

But like I previously said, YOU choose to bail her out of her problems, and support her in her bad choices.

I say this with all the respect and tact i can. If you do not like my opinion that is fine. But the way to DEAL with this, is to NOT deal with it anymore.

WRONG! There are children mixed into this mess. You're clueless... :(

[gmaof04]

I have a question rather than an answer, I'd like a better picture.
You say your daughter has CMT, are you referring to Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease?
I really know very little about the disease.
How much of her behavior may be due to the disease or any medications that she may be on?

Yes Maam... that is exactly it. Her neurologist now has her on a phentynol (sp?) patch, to keep pain meds from affecting her kidneys and liver. 5+ years on heavy narcotics takes its toll.

[LadySam]

Ahh, I always run into things that piqué my interest and this has piquéd it. My next reading assignment will be on CMT.
Like I said I know little but now that you have my curiosity stirred, let the research begin.
I think Alty hit on something a little further back, perhaps a counselor for you, to help you better understand the in and outs of the her disease, medications, and the way they may have affected her would be helpful in knowing how to continue.
And yes, years of narcotics can take their toll.

[jenniepepsi]

WRONG! There are children mixed into this mess. You're clueless... :(

Im done with you.

If you continue this, it may eventually turn into your daughter getting a restraining order against you. Ive seen it happen, with my sister in laws mother. And you will never see those babies again. And could be arrested if you try.

You need to back off and let your 30 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER be an adult, and learn or not learn from her mistakes.

[Wondergirl]

perhaps a counselor for you, to help you better understand the in and outs of the her disease, medications, and the way they may have affected her would be helpful in knowing how to continue.
And yes, years of narcotics can take their toll.

I like the counselor-for-you idea, partly because your counselor can invite her to one or more of YOUR sessions.

And yes, you'd learn new strategies on how to connect with her with the counselor behind you.

[JudyKayTee]

Wow, tough critical group tonight! Guess I should have gone into more detail. Daughter has CMT, just diagnosed a few years ago. She has had both hips replaced and one hip needed revision surgery. This is a genetic birth defect, but we have yet to successfully trace it. I was there for EVERY surgery besides years of babysitting and caring for my sweet grandkidlets.

JudyKayTee, you can step down off that pedestal you have yourself on. I asked for some support on how to deal with a closed minded child. You jumped on ME.I am 54 years old with 4 grandkidlets. A successful business woman yet you assumed the worst. Seriously?
I was simply asking if someone had an experience that is similar... how did they handle it?

She's been on opiates for years for the pain... could this be part of it?

JudyKayTee, please skip this post, you have nothing of value to offer me.

You speak disparagingly of your daughter; you are rude to anyone who doesn't see things your way.

I think you've brought a lot of this on yourself.

You're a successful business woman who uses the phrase "knocked up" when referring to your daughter, the mother of your Grandchildren?

Do you know why no one has ever accused me of being an alcoholic? Because there are no grounds to say anything like that. not even as an off the cuff slam.

Maybe you're simply frustrated. I don't know. I do know that anyone who doesn't agree with you "doesn't have a clue."

When you post on a public board you don't get to choose who answers and in what manner.

Now you've thrown in opiates. Is anyone protecting your Grandchildren in this situation?

[J_9]

Her neurologist now has her on a phentynol (sp?) patch, to keep pain meds from affecting her kidneys and liver. 5+ years on heavy narcotics takes its toll.

You do realize that this is a opiate that is much stronger than morphine, right? This alone could be causing some of her behavior. It is HIGHLY addictive.