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J_9 · Jul 5, 2007, 07:21 AM

Critical but stable condition means that she is critical, meaning life threatening, but is holding her own, she is not getting any worse, but not any better either.

Unfortunately in end stage lung cancer, such as your Aunt's, she is not going to get better. I know that is hard to hear, but it is the truth.

I understand that you are not going down anymore. But is anyone with her? Is she alone? This can be a very frightening time for the dying patient.

grammadidi · Jul 5, 2007, 09:05 AM

Yes, I agree with J_9. I do hope someone is with her. It really is just a matter of time, and probably not a long time. Even if she is in a coma it can be reassuring for her to have a loved one nearby, talking to her or just being with her. A soft touch on her hand to let her she is not alone and is very much loved and will be missed can mean the world to her. I also believe that it's sometimes difficult for the dying to let go if the people they love haven't said their goodbyes.

Love, Didi

J_9 · Jul 5, 2007, 09:32 AM

When my father was in a coma he would come to just a little when asked. When we asked for a kiss, he would pucker up. So we learned that while in a coma they can still hear and understand us.

I agree with Didi here as my father hung on until all of his children and grandchildren were able to visit. I believe it is very important that they be able to say goodbye to us.

She needs to know that you love her and will miss her, but that it is okay to go.

robertsqueen · Jul 6, 2007, 06:40 AM

We are here at the hospital right now.

robertsqueen · Jul 6, 2007, 06:43 AM

We are all here... the whole family they are expecting her to pass any time now both of her kidneys have shut down.

J_9 · Jul 6, 2007, 07:15 AM

Sweetie, I feel for you. I was where you are a month ago now. Just know it can still take some time after the kidneys fail. It took Dad another week after they diagnosed him with kidney failure.

So, get all the love, hugs and kisses you can get in now. Let her feel your presence, let her know you are with her. She needs to feel your comfort.

I am so glad to hear you are there with her and for her.

Take care sweetie, and keep us posted.

grammadidi · Jul 6, 2007, 11:34 PM

How are you hanging in, sweetie? Even this time now will start the healing process. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Warm hugs,

Didi

robertsqueen · Jul 7, 2007, 11:44 AM

I have my moments when I just cry and cry and then I laugh. We have been bringing Baily to see her everyday. He and her play. She enjoys it and its good for the family. She had a good night last night, then she got up and moved, but I do know that she is dying. Her moving gave her sons false hope. She dosen't understand that people are coming to see her she will talk to them and joke but afterwards she dosen't remember that she had a visitor. Other than that we are just waiting. I am at my dads right now because we had the whole family with us at the hospital and the doctor said that we need to take shifts so that she dosen't think that we are all waiting around for her to die. Plus its good to be here with my daddy and have that support you know? Well I have to get ready to go to the hospital I will keep you updated.

J_9 · Jul 7, 2007, 12:08 PM

We have our moments, and that is okay. Just remember that laughter is healing. My father's visitation and subsequent funeral was all about laughter. It is okay to laugh, you may feel guilty about it, but please know that it is normal and healthy.

It is good that you are taking Bailey, children are very resilient. They also help in the healing process. I know Johnny (my 5 year old) really helped me.

What you are describing with her memory is not uncommon once kidney failure has set in. Please don't let it worry you. I know it probably will, but just know it is normal.

Please keep us updated.

grammadidi · Jul 7, 2007, 09:55 PM

I am glad to hear that you are gaining support from your dad and that you are bringing Bay to see her as well. She may forget a lot from the medication, but also from the tumours in her brain. Sometimes the things they come out with can be quite humorous at times. At least you know she isn't in any pain and it's good that you are all having the opportunity to have time with her that isn't all horrible and sad. Humour can go a long way in the healing process, as can children as Janine said. On the Friday night before my husband died he played with my youngest grandson a lot. We took pictures and laughed. Some people have a difficult time seeing those photos because my husband appeared so thin, aged and ill, but I love to look at them because I remember the laughter and smiles. It was a very imoportant time for my grandson and although he was very young he still remembers it. As you said, Baily and your aunt playing can be good for you all. At least he isn't afraid of her. Isn't it wonderful how accepting children are?

Hang in there, hun. I'm so glad you are able to spend this time with her. It will be so meaningful for you later on.

Warm hugs,
Didi

J_9 · Jul 7, 2007, 10:33 PM

I remember Johnny, in Dad's last days... he was sitting in front of the TV in the waiting room of the hospital waving his little 5 year old hand around... up and down... he said

"Look I'm an Grampa, I'm an angel.....I'm flying up to heaven....Oh, C R A P, I'm stuck in a tree!!"

We all laughed so hard. You know the saying "Out of the mouths of babes"

It was one month yesterday, and yes, for the most part I am okay, but tonight is a little different. A little hard today.

But you know what, that is okay and it is expected. We all go through this. But it does get easier each day.

My heart and my thoughts are with you.

robertsqueen · Jul 8, 2007, 03:29 PM

We are here at the hospital. They are expecting her to pass away within a couple of hours. She has a machine that helps her breathe. The chaplin came in and said a prayer now we are just waiting. I feel so bad because I can't go into that room that she is in. it hurts too much, I go sometimes but not as much as I should. Also I am so angry right now I am angry at god and I keep snapping at my husband. I just don't know anymore!

J_9 · Jul 8, 2007, 03:47 PM

Oh, sweetie. What you are going through is so normal. So natural.

So she is ventilated (a vent is like a breathing machine, makes you breathe). If she is ventilated this could prolong the agony. Yes, it will make her live longer, but is that what she wanted?

You only have to go in the room as much as you feel comfortable, if you don't feel comfortable, then don't go in. Again, my favorite answer, That's Okay.

Anger is part of the grieving process, it is okay to get angry. But remember that our death begins the moment we are born, it is all a natural process.

She has had many many good years here in this body. This body is just a shell and soon she will be at peace with her Lord. I know you are angry with him right now, but she is going back to where she came from. No more pain, no more stress... complete and utter peace.

I know it sounds terrible to say those things (to some), but from my very recent experience, they are in peace after fighting and suffering for so long. The pain is gone, the suffering is gone.

Just know that we will be with you through this. It takes time. But you will be okay.

grammadidi · Jul 8, 2007, 09:39 PM

Everybody handles death in their own way... and whatever way that is, if it's the best way they can handle it, then it's okay. You may get angry today and it might go away, or you may get angry off and on for years, or you may even be angry for weeks. Your body knows the best way for you to handle this... just accept it and when you aren't feeling the anger remind your husband that it isn't him, it's the situation. I think that is exactly what it is, RQ... you are angry with the situation because it isn't what you want (of course!). There can be many emotions through this experience - just allow them to come, deal with them as you can, and accept that this is the way you will be right now.

You don't have to be in the room all the time, sweetie, and that is also okay. If you have said and done all you need to say, others may need to be in there more than you. You are filled with many memories, most of them good ones, and you don't want the 'bad' ones to replace them. It hurts, hun, and if it didn't I would be concerned. There is no right or wrong... there is no should or shouldn't. Just go with your gut right now, okay?

I understand your anger at God, too. He understands it, too. I struggled a lot with that when Terry was sick. The way I dealt with it was by reminding myself that the things that cause cancer were created by man, not God. I also wondered what kind of a death Terry would have had if he didn't have cancer. It could have been a much more horrible death, or maybe he wouldn't have had the time to say his goodbye's, etc. I have to trust in God that there was a reason beyond my comprehension and that one day I might understand what it was.

I do know one thing... well, two. My nephew had been experimenting with pot when Terry became ill. Terry found out and asked to see him. He spoke to him and explained that although he didn't 'do' drugs, he had experimented with pot in his younger days and the doctors told him that there appears to be strong evidence that people who smoke pot have a higher chance of contracting cancer. He begged my nephew to never experiment with drugs again, and he hasn't. The other thing is that my daughter quit smoking. It took her several years, but she finally quit. So, two good things came out of Terry's death... and sometimes I wonder if the lives he touched might have been part of the reason that this was the way he died. These are the types of things that you will probably question for years.

Anyway, as J_9 said, the thing best remembered when you are struggling with feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, despair, love, happiness, relief, etc. is "That's okay." Whatever it takes to get you through this is fine.

The walk you are taking right now is not an easy one, but I am sure it will prepare you for other things in life that you will have to face. You are so young, and that is very hard too. The only thing that helps sometimes is to know that it will get easier to deal with as time goes on; you have done NOTHING wrong; and you showed your love to your aunt throughout her life and that means more than anything.

You will be okay, it will get easier, you will smile again, the pain will fade, the good memories will become special and the bad ones will fade. You have a lot of supoort and love, too. That will help.

Warm hugs,
Didi

robertsqueen · Jul 9, 2007, 04:15 PM

She passed away yesterday around seven. We were all out in the hallway grabbing a bite to eat and the machine started beeping. I went in just to see her take a breath and then she was gone. I miss her so much, I will never hear her laugh or voice again and that kills me. I am glad that she is not in anymore pain, but I miss her. Her boys just fell apart and it hurt so bad to see them like that. Brandon her youngest was just hugging her and telling her to breath. I know that I am pushing Robert away but I just can't help it. One minute he is so sensitve and loving and the next he's being mean. I just don't know I feel like I shouldn't be able to enjoy life if she isn't here. I am going to ask the boys if I can read a poem at her funeral that I am going to write. I will post it on here when I write it. My husband got mad because on the way down here we talked about Tammy for a little while, memories and what had taken place. I am trying to be strong but it is so hard, so hard.

Newny · Jul 10, 2007, 11:55 AM

RQ, DIDI asked me to extnd her heartfelt sympathies. Unfortunately,her computer has broken down and she will not be online for a while. If you need to speak with her, send her an e-mail and I will pick it up and she can dictate her reply to to me for you over the phone. She says," hon, i'm so sorry, and i feel really bad i can't be online right now. Hopefully others here will help you, but if you need to talk, e-mail me your phone number and i will try and call. I'm getting Newny to check my e-mails until i can get back online. I think the poem is perfect! Hang in there, hon. I know it's hard, but we'll get you through this. Love, Didi."
You can reach Didi through me as well, RQ. And my thoughts and prayers are with you, too.

J_9 · Jul 10, 2007, 12:05 PM

RQ, I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express what you are feeling right now. I know, I was there a month ago. This is a rough time for you, and your family, but you will get through it.

Know that she is no longer struggling. While I used to hate the saying, until I experienced it, it is a blessing.

You will go through the stages of grief as we all do. But time will make it better. You will remember her voice, in time, but you will.

I sit here daily and wish I could call Dad and I hear "Hi, Babe" (what he would always say to me when he would answer the phone. I talk to him daily, this helps me.

Remember that it is okay to cry. You will have good days and bad.

I think the poem is such a lovely thing to do.

Understand that your husband is trying, he's a man after all, LOL. When Dad passed, on a Wednesday, (my husband was 600 miles away at the time), I told him over the phone that the funeral would be the next Monday, he came back with "So, you'll be home on Tuesday right?" Oh, I got so angry with him over that one!!

Things will get better sweetie, I promise. And please post the poem, I can't wait to hear it.

robertsqueen · Jul 10, 2007, 03:55 PM

Today we went over to clean up her house before the boys got there, I couldn't do it. I feel so pathetic. I am almost done with the poem and I will post it when I finish it.

robertsqueen · Jul 10, 2007, 04:25 PM

Here is the poem and if you would share it with Diddi I would appriciate it. Thank you.
My Angel

Every breathe I take my heart breaks,
I am glad that your not in anymore pain, but it doesn't stop the ache,
Tammy you were my rock, my heart and soul,
Now you left and my hearts not whole.

So many memories I have of you and I,
But every time I start to remise I cry,
Remember how I used to sneak drinks from your cup and you would just laugh and fill it back up?
Remember how I would come sit on your deck, and we would laugh until we peed our pants?

My heart may be in pain right now, but I find comfort in knowing that you are in heaven smiling down.
That's just the person that you were, you never thought of yourself but of others who hurt,
Tammy, you are the strongest person I know, I never heard you cry no more.

You were the one that taught me about love and never giving up,
You always told me the truth, no matter how hard it was.

You showed me how to shower Baily with love, by the way that you loved your sons,
You raised them well and taught them faith, then let them go to find their way,
You stood by their side when they made mistakes, and never once did you let your love fade.

I will not tell you goodbye, because I know that you are now an angel watching over us,
When our time comes you are going to be there at the gates of heaven with your arms wide open and full of love.

J_9 · Jul 10, 2007, 04:47 PM

Steph, that is BEAUTIFUL. I know she would love it. She DOES love it. She is watching down on you right now, giving you a gentle nudge, letting you know that everything will be okay. You don't have to go to her house right now, that can be done later, when you are ready.

Don't feel pathetic, I know it is hard, but you love her. She knows that. What is important is the time you spent with her when she needed it, when she knew you were there. What you are going through now are the formalities so that people who were not so close to her can say goodbye. Remember, you were there when it was most important. You were there.

Steph, you were so loved by her and she by you. Take comfort in that. Take comfort in knowing that she did get to know Bailey, that Bay got to know her. These are the important things. Take what she taught you and embrace it, use it to teach Bay. Keep her memory alive.

If Newny doesn't talk to Didi soon, he sent me her number, I will try to call her from my cell if I can.

Just know sweetie that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Be strong, you can get through this, and you will be here for others in their time of need.

Chin up and a big hug from me.