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grammadidi · Mar 13, 2007, 07:14 PM

Oh, yes... the dreaded constipation! Usually this is from the pain killers (especially morphine), but it can be from the chemo and inactivity as well. We used a natural herbal stool softener available over the counter which was recommended by several of Terry's cancer doctors. If she needs more than a 'normal' dose, that's okay, because the key is making the patient comfortable. At some point we actually used a prescription from the doctor, but it had a tendency to make him sick to his stomach, so we stopped using it. It was like cod liver oil and terribly disgusting for him to swallow.

It is difficult for cancer patients, because the chemo makes you feel like s#$t, but encourage her to eat lots of high fibre foods (bran, nuts, whole wheat bread, lots of fruits and vegetables, popcorn) and more importantly, drink LOTS of fluids! Tea or warm water seems to help a bit, too. Suppositories can be a real help. If she is able, it is important to get lots of exercise. If she tends to sit a lot, but you think she is capable, I would encourage her (go with her) to go for a short walk several times a day. Maybe this is something she'd like to do with your son? If she's up to it, any exercise that's safe for her to do would be great.

Your aunt should discuss this with the doctor because it needs to be dealt with quickly or could lead to her bowels being impacted. It tends to come back, so she should be open and honest with the doctor and ask if she can take more medication if the doses aren't working, etc. The constipation could also be caused by other issues that her doctor might want to explore (high calcium levels, nausea, other tumour growth, etc.).

Sweetie, do you want the truth? The truth is that "USUALLY" (I stress the word), when the cancer spreads from the lungs to the brain, they are not getting better. The chemo WILL take a whack at her, but it doesn't usually cause forgetfulness, loss of memory, etc. The stress can affect her ability to concentrate, just like it does you. Generally, at that stage, the chemo is done supposedly to make the patient more comfortable. With a less advanced lung cancer they usually operate, although not always. I'm sorry if what I say hurts you, but I will not lie to you. I know that you value the honesty... and you know you have lots of support here.

Hang is there. I'm here for you, as are lots of other people here!

Love & hugs, Didi

grammadidi · Mar 13, 2007, 07:23 PM

Hun, is hospice and/or home care involved at all?

Didi

robertsqueen · Mar 13, 2007, 07:25 PM

I know that she is dying.. it hurts to be the one that knows, but today she asked me if she took her pills already.. and the other day at sons b-day party. She called bialy by her sons name... I just wish that people (family) would stop pushing her, and telling her lies.
The doctor gave my grandma a book to give my aunt on how to get her affairs in order, and my grandma won't give it to her. I just wish that everyone would stop acting like everything is okay and she is healthy. They push her to go shopping all the time. Even when she dosen't feel good. I don't think that's right. Then if she agress to go to one store, they have her out all day, then get upset when she is tired the next day. I AM JUST SICK OF HURTING, AND HER HURTING. I am crying, and I don't know why. It just hurts all the time... even when I am holding my son, watcing TV, anything it just hurts. Soryy I didn't mean to do that, its just that I feel like you guys are the only one that I can show my true feelings too

robertsqueen · Mar 13, 2007, 07:26 PM

No, my family won't allow it... they think that she is getting better since the cancer is shrinking. They won't even talk about it.

Parajr · Mar 13, 2007, 07:27 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation. I went through the same thing with my father. He deasprately wanted to give up but we begged him to keep fighting. In the end I realized the I was selfish for requiring him to endure pain an suffering that he could have easily avoided. Let your aunt know that you love her and you will suppor her despite the situation

grammadidi · Mar 13, 2007, 08:53 PM

Oh, sweetie, I am surrounding you in hugs. It is normal and natural for lots of people to pretend that nothing is wrong. It's their OWN coping mechanism. Without it, they would fall apart. If you come across that book, you might just want to pass it on to your aunt... or put it down somewhere where she might find it by 'accident'?? A lot of people feel that if the person dying doesn't know that they will fight longer and harder to get better, and that will keep them alive longer. Everyone is different... some patients benefit by knowing, and others don't. I always felt that the person dying might benefit from knowing, just because if there was anything that they really wanted to do before they died, but were waiting until they had more money or until the kids grew up, etc... that they maybe could do it while they were still capable.

I really think you need to find a booklet about lung cancer and/or what to expect when someone is dying (usually you can just drop into the chemo wing of a hospital and find one or ask)... and you might even want to drop in and ask if you can talk to your aunt's doctor or a nurse just to talk about your feelings (tell them your aunt is a patient and you just need somebody to talk to). They may be able to have someone from their social services dept. talk to you (they are so familiar with this type of thing). Also, you can still contact the hospice people yourself and tell them what is going on and ask if there is someone there that you can talk to. They are wonderful people and I am sure they won't turn you away. I would NEVER have made it through my husband's illness without them.

I know that your family situation is difficult, but can you talk to them at all about why they won't allow her to prepare for her death by at least reading the book the doctor gave your grandma? It might help you understand their thoughts on all of this.

Now, as far as your crying and apologies... hun... you cry all you want and do NOT apologize for allowing your feelings to come out. You are crying because you are hurting, sad, angry, grieving, feeling alone, and lots of other things. It's okay... it's normal and you do it all you need to. You love your aunt and it shows immensely. Losing her will put a huge void in your life so of course you cry. Wrapping my arms around you...

Didi

robertsqueen · Mar 14, 2007, 07:49 AM

I would talk to her doctors but she is getting treatment in Denver, Colorado. The reason why she is getting treatment there is because Rapid dosne't have the right doctors. I just wish that my family would let me in and not shield me. I think that out of everyone I am taking it the best.. so why won't they let me help and be part of this? If I go and visit her, I am shooed out of there by my mother... it really frustrates me. I want to spend time with her, beucase I don't know how much time I have with her.

robertsqueen · Mar 14, 2007, 08:06 AM

Again thank you so much for your support

airbats-goku · Mar 14, 2007, 04:52 PM

Some of the chemo drugs will give you constipation. One of them is Vincristine. Ask her doctor about a mild laxative called senokot and ask about stool softeners like colace. She needs lots of fluids to keep the constipation from happening too. As much walking as she can do so that her bowels will be stimulated and she might be able to avoid the laxatives.

grammadidi · Mar 14, 2007, 05:40 PM

There are 2 different kinds of Senokot. Get her to try both and see which one works best for her. It is very mild, but generally works well without giving the patient diarrhea.

As far as your family... ASK to be let in. Take your mother aside and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her how you are feeling. Maybe they are just trying to protect you. Let them know you are an adult now and can handle more. My guess is, they just aren't handling it the same way, so if they 'let you in' they might have to 'feel' a little more and they just aren't ready yet.

It is difficult to balance it all because you don't want to create a lot of stress for everybody. Who is caring for your aunt the most, your Grandmother? I'd actually approach her first and foremost and try to appeal to her on an emotional level.

Try to remember they are all just trying to do the same thing as you... their best!

Hugs, Didi

robertsqueen · Mar 15, 2007, 08:29 PM

I know... its just hard to see my family suffer like this. My mom is the main controller she is in charge of the resteruant and everything. I have tried talking to her and she told me that I am not mature enough to handle. It. It just really uspests me. It feels like a nightmare. And I found out yesterday I am flunking my housing and math classes. I never flunk... I don't want her to be disapointed in me. Also I fainted yesterday... is that normal?

manimuth · Mar 15, 2007, 08:58 PM

Maybe your mother needs to do everything to keep her busy so that she doesn't fall apart.
Robertsqueen, you are under a lot of stress and things seem to be coming at you from all directions (like your school work). So, please take a deep breath. Go to your favorite spot and try to relax. Can you turn to your husband or is he having a hard time as well?
Its understandable that you have been distracted from your studies because of everything that's going on. So, take it one day at a time. Concentrate on your work and do the best you can. You will get through this.

P.S. Don't be afraid to let go and cry. It's OK.

robertsqueen · Mar 16, 2007, 04:39 PM

Today my husband took me and my son to the state park... I think that he wanted to get my mind off stuff. We had a wonderful time.. and I joked and laughed like I haven't in forever. It was great watching my son every time he saw a buffalo. By the way those things are ugly... but the meanng of this post is that I had a good day.. I didn't go see Tammy because as much as I love her. I needed time away from her. Does that make me a bad person? Oh and I thought I was flunking math... but I actually have a D. YAY!

robertsqueen · Mar 19, 2007, 07:13 AM

Hello again. How are you doing? I am all right... I finally had my breaking point. I cried and cried last night. I don't know why I am crying, its not like she has already passed away right?

manimuth · Mar 19, 2007, 07:33 AM

Its good to have a nice cathartic cry.

grammadidi · Mar 19, 2007, 08:38 PM

I am so glad that you went out and had a good time with your husband and son. It is important that you keep your life as normal as possible. It's GOOD to laugh and have fun! You are NOT a bad person! Tammy would not want your relationship with your little family to suffer because of her illness. Always take time for fun and sanity. Oh, and the crying... so very normal! First of all, I think that having some fun MIGHT have made you feel a bit guilty. If so, really... there is NOTHING to feel guilty about! Secondly, I bet that the closeness of your relationship with your husband and son in the past few days helped you to feel strong enough to allow your pain to release.

No, she is not dead - but crying is not just for death. Remember, crying is about sadness, and when you experience loss (or impending loss) it brings up every loss you have ever experienced... not just loss by death. Your aunt's illness has brought out sadness about many things, and it's okay to be sad. Her illness makes you sad, the way other family member's are handling it makes you sad, your inability to help the way you want to makes you sad and your sadnesses of the past. It is healthy to cry when you are sad, and the more you fight it, the more it will affect you. Crying is a release of pain. Welcome it.

Oh, and glad to hear you aren't flunking math! Under this very strressful time a D is okay. Just do your best.

I think of you every day... always sending thoughts and prayers for you and your aunt... even when I can't be online.

Hugs, Didi

robertsqueen · Mar 19, 2007, 08:42 PM

Thank you Didi you don't know how much you are helping me... I can never explain it to you... Today I find myself very moody and irriatble at little things that my husband is doing... things that usually won't bother me... are. Is this normal? Just the other day I was loving and now I just don't want to be bothered... I feel so out of wack.

RubyPitbull · Mar 20, 2007, 06:09 AM

Hi robertsqueen. I was out of town for a while and only got back online yesterday. Trying to catch up with everything.

Didi has given you the right info. You are going to have massive mood swings throughout this whole ordeal. Some days are going to be better than others. You will feel guilty. You will feel content. Some days, you will feel numb to everything going on around you. Your emotions are on overload right now. The chemicals being released by your brain and body are trying to bring you back to your normal status quo. They are trying to balance you out. You are feeling out of whack because you are out of whack. Very normal.

Did you get a chance to do what I suggested about going to the local bookstore and looking at those two books? Please do that if you haven't. You might want to add this one to the list as well:
Amazon.com: Cancer and the Family Caregiver: Distress and Coping: Books: Ora Gilbar,Hasida Ben-Zur

I found the best way for me to cope was to understand as much as possible about everything involved. From diagnosis to treatment, from the patient's perspective, from the caregiver's perspective, from the extended family and friends perspective. It is an emotional rollercoaster and you need to find a way to ride it as best as you possibly can without losing yourself and without this experience negatively effecting your life to the point that everything around you starts to fall apart. I can guarantee you that if you start doing a little research the things you are experiencing will make a lot more sense to you and you will have a better grasp of life for you at this most trying time.

I am not too surprised at your family's reaction. If your family is of the "old school" type that is a typical reaction. When I was young, the general attitude about cancer and illness by adults was a hush-hush kind of thing. The adults around us wouldn't tell us anything. They felt it was better for the children not to know of such things. Big mistake, but it was a different generation. I am a bit perplexed that since you are an adult, married with a child, that your mother is still treating you as one yourself. Her comment about you not being mature enough bothered me. Do you understand why she said this? Do you agree with her assessment?

There comes a time in life when, as adults, we have to break that parent-child relationship and bring it to an adult-adult level. Believe me when I tell you that you will find a certain strength and content in this. You and your grandmother and mother will be able to speak with each other on the same level. Eventually our relationships with our parent figures, all cycles around to where you are the adult and your parent is the child. Not that they are children per se, but there will come a time where you will have to take care of your parents due to illness. It is inevitable if they live out their lives according to the statistical info. They will need help as their bodies start to break down. The sooner you place yourself in the trusted position, the easier it will be for them to accept your help. It is a very complex psychological connection. But, my point here is that it may be time for you to have a good sit down with your mother. Explain to her that you resent being left out of this. That you love your aunt as much as she does and it does no one any good, especially your aunt, for you to be left out of the loop. You want to help. You want to be involved. And, you need to make your mother understand that your involvement will help take the load off her shoulders. Tell her you will not take no for an answer. Sometimes, the people carrying the heaviest load, such as your mother and grandmother, don't recognize what they are doing to themselves. They are used to handling situations and they continue in that vein. Until someone physical steps in and starts doing, they don't realize how much stress they have been under. They might resent it at first because they are used to being in control, but they will have no choice if you just start doing things for your aunt. It is hard letting go of the control, but outside of a spousal situation, no one really has a right to keep freeze others out.

Before doing this, please read through those books. The more information you are armed with, the more help you will be to your aunt, your mother, and your grandmother. If you can explain things to them that you have learned, you will find they will be more willing to allow you to be involved. You might be pleasantly surprised to find that before making any decisions they will be looking for your input. So, arming yourself with knowledge is the best "defense" in this situation. Just keep in mind that if they let you in, you need to be able to balance your own little family's needs while taking care of your aunt's needs.

robertsqueen · Mar 22, 2007, 10:45 AM

I had a horrible nightmare last night about my aunt. In my nightmare I went with her to her chemo appointment... and for some reason she had to get bone marrow put in. Well they put the wrong kind in and she was acting all funny. They called her name and she says who is tammy scott and she didn't know anyone. Then she just started to fade away. Is it normal to have these types of dreams? What do they mean?

RubyPitbull · Mar 22, 2007, 12:27 PM

Very normal. The stress, every day issues, and the like, show up in our dreams all the time. Our subconscious has an interesting way of transposing our worries and concerns. You don't know exactly what the treatment is that she is having and what she is going through so your sleeping mind is filling in the blanks for you. You know that she is not responding to the treatment the way you had hoped and she is still deteriorating. So, your brain is translating your fears into this kind of dream.

I still dream about my husband, among the other family members that I have lost. Initially, my dreams were a lot like yours. Very much nightmares to me and incredibly upsetting. It took a while, but the dreams started changing. It took a long time for me to start having those dreams in which I was conscious in my dreams that my husband had died. In the dream I start to cry because I am happy to see him AND I cry because I know he is gone. I tell him that he died and he laughs and tells me that he knows and to stop being silly about it (very much his personality - always minimizing everything in a very humorous way), which makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Obviously there is more to it but, geez, I hate it every time it happens. The best ones are of my grandmother. She did some pretty crazy things in her lifetime and she is still up to her old tricks in my dreams! :)