[Westside30]

Hi guys,

I need some advice on what I should do. I'm a guy who has fallen head over heels for another guy (we are both gay).
We've known each other a couple of months and because we are so much alike in personality, it is really easy to get along with him.

When we first met he said he was only ever interested in making really close friends and if the right guy came along he would want a relationship with him but he told me that he doesn't think the other person would ever want to be with him. I asked him why and he told me that he is very religious. He said he is not out to anybody apart from me. He said he will always keep his sexuality secret from his family. And he also mentioned that if he were to ever be in a relationship with another guy, he would not have sex with him.

Now, I'm not trying to think too far into the future. My intention was to just be really good friends with him as well, and that is all. But he treats me like I am the most important person in the world. He compliments me and tells me I am smart, funny, loving, caring, attractive, and that anybody would be lucky to have me. He tells me he wants to hold my hand and cuddle me and we do, and he blushes a lot. And I have now fallen for him. I could really see myself being with him for a long time and I would feel so happy!

Another thing he told me was that he wants a really close friend that he could actually hold hands with and cuddle but without the romantic feelings involved.

I told him last night that I had fallen for him and that I would be happy to be with him, but he told me to remember that he is religious and that he wouldn't have sex with another guy. I'm not saying I want to have sex with him (lol), but if things were to actually work out between us and we do go into a relationship, I would like him to be open to the idea. I also said that I don't want to feel like I am being led on with the cuddles and hand holding if nothing was to ever eventuate romantically and he feels bad that he has made me feel that way. He told me he just wants to be friends now, which is great, but I feel like I have screwed up my chance of being with him. Maybe I haven't ?

Ugh, so sorry for the long post. But if anybody has any advice on what I should do or say, that would be greatly appreciated. Should I just try and be friends with him and look for love elsewhere, or just hang in there and hope that he may fall for me as well? He did tell me that it may take time and that it's possible something may happen between us.

[Clemintine]

I witnessed a similar situation in my life recently with one of my best friends, and looking back now I realize the better course of action, or what I see as the better course at least.

Should I just try and be friends with him and look for love elsewhere, or just hang in there and hope that he may fall for me as well?
My advice: Don't "Hang in there"! Do not limit yourself for the hope that one day, maybe he will love you too. Don't waste your time, don't miss out on other amazing possibilities. It's fine to stay friends of course! You two seem like you can, and there is no relationship status between you two that says you can't stay his friend while looking for someone who will return your love.


He did tell me that it may take time and that it's possible something may happen between us.
The "something" being him loving you, or sex, doesn't matter. The implication that "he might one day" (<paraphrasing that), and actually saying that to you? After claiming he's sorry about leading you on with hand holding? After you've told him your feelings?

When someone confesses feelings like that to us, our instincual reaction knows that if you say "Well maybe one day" to someone who loves you, that they will follow you around hoping for your love. Usually what I see, is that most people will follow, and continue to give the attention that "maybe one day" will be resiprocated. Break that chain, Don't let him manipulate you and lead you on. Don't wait around for a person who is not giving the time of day that you need from them.

Sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but I hate it when someone's emotions are being toyed with like this, your emotions, even if he isn't doing it on purpose. He doesn't sound like he is on purpose, that's fine because it's just how we react when we don't want to hurt someone, or are bad with conflict. All it is now is you giving your appropriate, assertive, response to his "maybes". (If you choose too).

But really, What is the difference between staying friends, but looking elsewhere, and trying to make him love you? Can't you just be his friend either way? In your natural course of life, and hanging out, he may just fall for you even though your not aiming for it. In fact, depending on his personality, maybe he would be more drawn to you if you kept your options open, staying confident, not vying for his attention, yadda yadda?
It would be hard not to think about how much you love him though while still being friends, but it's possible!

If you're going to be close friends, and you decide you're going to keep your options open, I'd say communicate that to him, so he isn't in the dark about it, and realizes what changes your friendship will be going through. You can go through it together, and become better friends in the end.

Um, I hope I was a little helpful, sorry for my essay sized response.

[talaniman]

You are far to deep for a couple of months my friend, especially given he seems to want a friendship more than anything at this time. Gay, Bi, or straight you probably have a very scared virgin on your hands and is afraid and mixed up with his own feelings.

If you were not so carried away by your own feelings and high hopes you may see what he is really saying. He is afraid. I would see what happens in 6 or 8 months. Forget that forever and ever stuff though, its much to soon for that.

[Fr_Chuck]

He seems to be very clear, he will be friends, he will be close friends, he will not have sex. You can either accept him under those terms or move on or just be friends