[sypher373]

Hello,

I know this may seem like an odd topic, but here's the deal...

I am fairly new to this board. I am 20 years old, and only had one serious relationship. However, the thing I find odd is the amount of stories I see about grown, married people having sex with other people.

Now maybe it is just the nature of this board that makes it prone to see a lot of stories like this, but all of the stories that I read make me question relationships at all. I am beginning to think that there is a LOT more cheating/extra-relationship sex that occurs that I had EVER thought before. It seems almost like people can accept it as normal.

While I have only had that one serious relationship, I can tell you with certainty that I believe an affair, especially sexual, would end any hope of a relationship that I was in. I could not think to commit that act, and would expect the same from my partner.

Can someone help to explain this to me? I find myself questioning my ability to trust anyone seeing how apparently "easy" it is for someone to be swayed into an affair. Now, I am not blaming the guys or the girls in the relatinoship, as I know the men usually initiate the contact - provide the pressure etc, but it seems that women can become "interested" much easier than I ever thought before

Sorry If I have offended anyone in this post, that was not my intention. I just find myself in question in my mind, and I am hoping that it is not as bleak as I am making myself believe it is. Maybe it's the fact that I am going through a breakup currently? Maybe it's the fact that the subject of this board makes it a magnet for stories such as these, and the proportions of these stories is skewed?

I don't know...

Thanks for any input

[talaniman]

Hi Sphere, Your right the nature of these forums is about people with problems, and doesn't at all I believe, reflect all the relationships out there that are normal and happy. Though it goes on (cheating and breakups) and has forever, there are a lot of healthy people that share your views and are monogamous, and as one of those (married 33 years, No cheating except at cards) most of the folks we hang around are the same way. Don't let the bad ones taint your attitude of the world in general though.

[Synnen]

I think that you are seeing a larger than normal population posting on it, yes.

Unfortunately, cheating DOES happen.

However... monogamy happens, too. People just don't come for help with it here. Love happens, and honesty, and communication, and respect.

Every day, hundreds of people in committed relationships meet people that they are attracted to. Every day, they go home to their families and realize how much they love them--without cheating.

Stick to your values. You'll make the right person for you very happy someday.

[Squiffy]

You get a lot of issues like this here because it is an advice board, people who don't have relaitonship problems probably wouldn't have much to post about in terms of relaitonships! Trust me not all grown up relaitonships are like that. I have been with my partner for 2 years and we are still blissfully happy!

[sypher373]

I guess my opinion was just a little thrown off beucase of the situation I was in.

My girlfriend of almost 3 years told me that she wanted some space, and I soon found out that she had "feelings" for another person. Apparently, he knows nothing of it, and she doesn't see anything coming from it. She still gets very upset at the fact that we aren't together, and we talk often. Many times I hve comforted her because she is upset about not being with me, so I don't know how her feelings with this other person come into play. I brought it up once, and her answer was "I know its wrong, and I feel terrible, but I can't help who I like". After bringing it up, I felt like crap for a long while, so now when I talk to her, I refuse to bring it up. I would rather just forget about it.

I know that we aren't together anymore, and she never had any beyond friendly contact with him, but I almost feel like I have been cheated on. I know this is immature, and I shouldn't feel this way, its just hard...

Thanks guys,

[chuff]

Sypher I think your question speaks directly to me. For years I had no idea what I was doing when it came to dating or relationships. I would do what they did on television or what women said they wanted and always be wind up getting used and usually hurt. One of the problems I had was that I was/am hard headed and kept repeating the same sorts of errors and getting the same results but never noticing it. The funny thing is when I looked back on my past ex's or interests and looked very fairly and unobjectively at some of my decisions I suddenly got "it." I'm not discounting some of the women I've dated because some of them were nuts. But I as I've looked back I can also now see where I've made mistakes that I didn't see before.

I disagree with you about this board though. What you see as a bunch of negativity, I see as a great learning tool that's very positive if you use it right. When I first started posting here, I think I spent the first 2 weeks or so just reading the old posts and the advice given. I'd find the consistency in the responses and compare them to what I would do or have done in similar situations.

The reality is if your going to get involved in any relationship your risking getting hurt. That's not going to change, but your strength going in can be increased and your approach can be modified to achieve better results. Will that guarantee a lifetime relationship? No. But it can guarantee a happier relationship and a healthier you. Your reading what's wrong from the original posters, but read what's right from many of the responses and learn from it.

[sypher373]

Hey Chuff,

Thanks for the insight, I can definitely relate to what your saying, and trust me I have been reading a lot of the posts. Even though they may not directly apply to me, I hope that what I learn can help me with my current situation, or provide me with the tools to deal with future problems :)

Thanks again

[shygrneyzs]

Yes, there are many stories - sad and heartwrenching stories of men and women who have been cheated on, men and women trying to find people who will agree with them that cheating is perfectly okay, men and women who are married and simply do not love each other as they once did. I take this all as life's lessons - if anyone is single and never been married and reads through the posts, what an eye opener it must be!

To be fair, what help would this forum be to someone who came in and posted about how great and grand and splendid their marriage/relationship is? We would all say congratulations on making "it" work. Maybe even ask for their advice!

But do not let the negative things people say about their partners colour your perceptions. We seldom get to hear the other side of the story. We just answer as best as our knowledge and experience can grant us.

[kp2171]

Just make sure you take any help forum with a grain of salt.

This is where people come with problems. I have a great marriage. Fantastic. There is no need for me to post here. Have I had a couple of lousy relationships where people cheated? Yup.

Thing is, you need do some work usually to find the right person. Some people might get it right off the bat. My best friend from college did. Found a girl immediately, they were perfect, stayed together, married a dozen years now, three kids. He has no reason to post here.

So... if anything, read some threads and learn a bit. But don't doubt relationships in general. Even the failures, in most cases, were worth the lessons I learned along the way.

[sypher373]

Thanks guys,

You've got me feeling a bit better.
Maybe its just the general mood I've been in lately...

I feel silly for feeling like I did earlier, but maybes its because I just got out of the gym...

Works wonders for venting :)

[Jiser]

Hey were both in our 20's, we got loads of life left. You cannot stereotype relationships as every and each one is different.