[Nanna87]

Hello Dr.
I'm 25 yrs old from Sudan , 8 years ago I THINK I had sex I was to young to understand what was really happening wasn't sure if he fully inserted his penis and I found a small blood clots on my underwaer! It was my first and my last time , now I after I'm a grown up girl I understood every thing and I want to know if my hymen was completely broken because I'm getting marry next year ,would my husband find out that I'm not virgin because that means a serious problem in our society.
Thanks.

[JudyKayTee]

Hello Dr.
I'm 25 yrs old from Sudan , 8 years ago i THINK i had sex i was to young to understand what was really happening wasn't sure if he fully inserted his penis and i found a small blood clots on my underwaer !! it was my first and my last time , now i after i'm a grown up girl i understood every thing and i want to know if my hymen was completely broken because i'm getting marry next year ,would my husband find out that i'm not virgin because that means a serious problem in our society.
Thanks.

Whether your hymen was broken, you are no longer a virgin.

Penis + vagina = intercourse = not a virgin.

Eight years ago you were 17, hardly a young girl who didn't understand what was going on. If you are saying it was rape, did you report it?

It's entire possible that your hymen is broken - not all women bleed profusely. Only a Physician can be sure,

Hymens DO get broken in other ways. The question is whether you intend to lie about being a virgin. I understand the importance in some cultures. On the other hand you will be beginning your marriage with a big lie.

[Nanna87]

I wish I could cry on his shoulder and tell him about it but trust me it's IMPOSSIBLE to accept this thing in our culture "IMPOSSIBLE"!
No it wasn't rape,it was my first and "last" relationship he left me right after what happened ! I know no one could believe that I didn't understand what was really going but when I first knew about SEX that was in preparatory school God knows I was 15 years old it's kind of funny but this is the truth,I didn't know that there were something called HYMEN and I didn't know it's importance in our culture.

[Fr_Chuck]

You will have to go to a doctor to have a exam to see if your hymen is broken or not.

But then to be honest many women who are virgins already have a broken hymen for many reasons, sports, exercise, and other reasons.

[Alty]

You will have to go to a doctor to have a exam to see if your hymen is broken or not.

But then to be honest many women who are virgins already have a broken hymen for many reasons, sports, exercise, and other reasons.

Chuck, I only have one concern with this advice. I admit that I don't completely understand the OP's culture, but, considering the importance of being a virgin in her culture, and the fact that most of the men that post here from the same culture have no idea that a hymen can be broken without sexual intercourse, I worry that going to doctor may be dangerous.

If she goes to the doctor to ask if her hymen is still intact, couldn't that put her at risk?

[J_9]

If she goes to the doctor to ask if her hymen is still intact, couldn't that put her at risk?

At risk for what?

[Nanna87]

Yes I'm 100% sure that going to a Dr is a big risk .

[Alty]

At risk for what?

I've heard horror stories about countries where a woman's virginity is very important.

They don't value women, and most doctors are male. The doctor could notify the family of this, even if her hymen is intact, he'll question why she's asking.

I may be over thinking it, but I've read news stories, books from women that grew up in places like these, and going to the doctor to confirm virginity can be a very bad idea.

[Nanna87]

Exactly thanks Alty appreciate it so you know how it is .

[JudyKayTee]

Exactly thanks Alty appreciate it so you know how it is .

Okay, now my turn to be harsh. If OP NEEDS to know if her hymen has been ruptured she needs to see a Physician.

If she wants to lie to her fiancé and family and explain why she doesn't bleed when she and her husband have intercourse for the first time, then she fakes it.

I can't buy the argument that she was only 17 and didn't know what was happening. I also know (anyone read the article in National Geographic) that children are married off at 10.

This is the part I don't understand - the OP was no child when whatever happened, and I see no allegation of rape. What did she think the result was going to be?

I appreciate that virginity is prized. The OP presumably grew up in that culture, knowing that. Now she's in a panic. We all make bad decisions, no question, I know I have - but she was raised in this culture to prize virginity and now, surprise, she's worried that her hymen is broken.

I don't understand it.

[Alty]

Judy, the culture there is very different than ours. Very different. Sex education is non existent. From what I've learned they can't even Google most things, get an education online. Many of those types of sites are banned in their country.

Many of these women, and men, get married and think that no blood on the wedding night means the woman isn't a virgin. A girl that isn't a virgin can be killed in some of these countries. It's a crime. Her family can kill her and not suffer any consequences because it's a justified killing.

Most of the doctors are men, and as men they view women as nothing. Women have absolutely no rights in these countries. If a woman went to a doctor to ask if her hymen is still intact, it very well could result in her death, especially if her hymen is broken. Even asking the doctor to check can raise suspicion. Why would the girl be asking if she hadn't had sexual contact?

I don't understand it either. It horrifies me. It's horrifying that in some parts of Africa girl children are circumcised, taken to the desert, brought to a woman with absolutely no medical skills, circumcised with a sharp rock and sewn up to the point where they can't even urinate without severe pain.

It happens every day.

We're all very lucky to live in countries where this sort of thing doesn't happen. But it does happen in other countries. Doesn't make sense. But it doesn't make it not so, and sadly these girls have to conform, or face possible death.

[JudyKayTee]

[QUOTE=Alty;3246217]Judy, the culture there is very different than ours. Very different. Sex education is non existent. From what I've learned they can't even Google most things, get an education online. Many of those types of sites are banned in their country.QUOTE]


I do get it, Alty, really I do. I understand the female circumcision problem and everything connected with that.

But that's not what we're talking about here.

The poster is 25 - old to be married in the Sudan where people are being married off at age 10 and up (much to the frustration of the Government and various United Nations committees).

I have to believe this is an educated woman, not living somewhere in the bush (and I do not mean that in a sarcastic or demeaning way). I would have more respect for OP if she would say, "Yes, at age 17" (or whatever) "I had sex and now I don't know how to handle the fact that my hymen has been ruptured." The "I was too young to know" argument doesn't "do" it for me.

Maybe she's at risk. Maybe she's not. Maybe it's an arranged marriage. Maybe it's not. I don't know, and I don't see that info offered.

I think this is one of those issues where "we" can go hysterical in either direction - pro or con.

Until OP comes back and tells us something it's impossible to know her concerns. If this marriage is her choice of "husband material," that's one issue. If it's arranged, that's another. I don't know if she's seen her "husband" once or never or a thousand times.

I agree - criticizing her now, AFTER the first sexual act (which she may or may not have understood) serves no purpose. Pointing out to her that she was raised (presumably) in this culture and knew to value her virginity is another issues.

I just don't think the culture gives her free rein to go against that culture - and then not know what to do.

She was 17, not 12, in a culture where people marry at 10 years old. I find it hard to believe she was never given any direction.

I've been wrong before. I'll be wrong again. I just don't know what kind of advice she wants to hear. If she MUST bleed, that's one thing. If she can say, "I broke my hymen horsebacking riding" (or whatever), that's another. If she wants to keep a pellet of chicken blood under her bed, that's another.

I don't think "we" have enough info -

[Alty]

I've been wrong before. I'll be wrong again. I just don't know what kind of advice she wants to hear. If she MUST bleed, that's one thing. If she can say, "I broke my hymen horsebacking riding" (or whatever), that's another. If she wants to keep a pellet of chicken blood under her bed, that's another.

I don't think "we" have enough info -

I agree, we don't know what info she wants.

The facts, she had sex, and she did bleed. It's not likely that her hymen is still intact.

So where does that leave us? What advice does the OP need if her hymen is broken?

I think that's where we need to go from here on out. We need to assume, without a doctors visit, that her hymen is broken. So now what? What will that mean for the OP? What can she do if this is a life or death situation?

We need more info from the OP.

What kind of man is the man she's going to marry? Obviously virginity is important to him, because he's of her culture. But, is he educated? Does he know that a hymen can be broken in other ways? Will he accept that she had a one time incident when she was 17 and not educated about sex?

We need the OP to give more info so we can figure out where to go next with our advice.

[Nanna87]

It's OK you can be harsh ALL you want I need your advice even if you were harsh,

You are right about that I did a mistake that is totally "unforgivable", but I'm just saying the truth I couldn't see and tell what was really happening at that time I mean EXACTLY what was happening didn't know that he was trying to get it inside me it was my first time for me being touched by a man and "last" because I couldn't trust no one especially because he left me ryt a way I was scared I was frozen God only know I didn't know about this whole hymen thing,

virginity is prized but it doesn't mean that people talk about it loudly, I had many chances of getting marry since I was 20 but I refused because of that and I thought million times to be honest but I guess I'm not strong enough to do that, now my family start asking and wondering that's why I have to get marry but I'm scared.

I did a mistake YES !people make mistakes but it was once in my whole life time I don't want to start my life with a lie but I know also that I'll be "his" ONLY I know I'll be faithful to him.

I guess I have to see a physician cause it might not be ruptured right? Then I wouldn't have to lie to anyone.

Thanks anyway I really appreciate your advice..

[Nanna87]

Oky let me say something we live in the city and there is no way that a girl could be married in 10 that was in the past maybe, I am educated but on our schools they don't give us lessons about sex it's only when we reach the university level,
As I told you when I first knew about sex I was 15 and a friend of mine told me about it weither you believe it or not I couldn't believe it at first and I was shocked,didn't know about something called Google to browse the internet and Google it!

About me getting marry now I don't see him a lot he comes to visit me in my house while my FAMILY is there, ALL I know about this marriage that it has to happen now I think he is a good person I accept him as some one I can share my life with he IS educated and highly educated. I'm trying to give you all the info that you need.

When I said I didn't know what was happening I didn't mean that I don't know it was sex of course in 17 I know this word but I didn't know that he was trying to have sex with me he was over me and I felt a slight pain but didn't know I swear I didn't know he was close to that spot,OK to clarify more he couldn't go in and out in and out like I know how it should be now , no it wasn't 100% sex I guess cause I cried and I was begging him to stop because of the pain I felt I know it's hard to undrstand what I'm trying to say I find it a bet hard to explain it in English but I hope you get me already!

[JudyKayTee]

I guess i have to see a physician cause it might not be ruptured right ?? then i wouldn't have to lie to anyone.

thanks anyways i really appreciate ur advice ..

You can't MAYBE not bleed - and guess (along with your husband) that is was ruptured during sports, something along those lines?

Then no visit to the Doctor is necessary.

[Nanna87]

Really appreciate the time u gave me..

Thank you ,

[JudyKayTee]

Really appreciate the time u gave me..

Thank you ,

I truly hope things work out for you.

[Nanna87]

May be not today or tomorrow but I believe that there a better tomorrow right ! This is life it's

Hard as it is and I have to face it there is no other way.

Thank you very much again.

[Alty]

Nanna, if bleeding on your wedding night is important to your husband (and I know that for some men, especially men of your culture, that's the only sign of virginity), then there are things you can do, devices you can buy, also there's surgery (drastic, but it's available) that can restore your hymen. That option is drastic, and not an easy option.

We're here to listen, and give advice, but in the end you have to decide what you're going to do, and how you're going to do it.

No matter what you decide, please stay safe, and I wish you all the best. :)