[TooHurt1953]

My daughter is 32 years old. She destroyed her reputation, career, and marriage doing heavy drugs beginning at age 25. My grandbaby is 4 years old, and my daughter is a single mother. She now works as a paralegal for $12.00 an hour, and is not very good at her job, although she is trying very hard. She is off illegal drugs altogether, but does take ADHD medication and an antidepressant now. My situation is this: if not for me, she would be homeless. She cannot maintain a relationship with anyone except her daughter, and surprisingly, has excellent mothering skills. It is the only role that she performs normally and well. She works full-time and pays for my grandbaby's day care, her gas, her food, and her own expensive medications. She wants to rebuild her life. I want to help her. I am paying her car payment and insurance so she can drive to a job. She is living in a modest home that I own but do not live in. (I remarried and live with my husband in his/our home). I am making the house payment and paying all the utilities as well on the home she lives in. She is so emotionally unstable I have no hope of her marrying or staying married to someone who will share her life and be a step parent to my grandbaby. She is very beautiful but anorexic and difficult to get along with, hostile, moody, paranoid and defensive. Multiple problems: she is so beligerent and disrespectful to me. I cannot talk to her about anything or offer much needed guidance--she goes completely ballistic. Of course like all abused parents, she blames me with all her faults and problems. The toxic relationship is horrible and painful. Her biological father is very sweet, and tries to help out a little financially, but he is disabled (alcoholism) and makes very little money. She literally has no one to help her but myself, and she can barely take care of her affairs. She brings home about $1200 per month, but as I said that covers daycare, medicine, gas, and food.

What can I do (1) to get out from under this huge financial burden? Is there hope? I cannot afford to pay for private counseling, she refuses to join or go to a social church group that would be free of charge, she has rejected my "religion" and doesn't do the church thing. Her situation is taking $2000 a month from my paycheck to keep her afloat. She desperately needs counseling, and I am sure the crystal meth caused some residual mental illness/damage, and the meds she takes are so strong, yet she cannot function without them. In spite of this, she is unusually brilliant as a writer, etc, but she can't keep even a cell phone without breaking or losing it, losing her keys, her pocketbook, letting her food stamps run out, has no sense of direction driving, she is so forgetful I don't know how she holds a job. She is constantly on probation at work. I am sure her psychiatrist has many names for her condition, but has not given a diagnosis to me. I can guess she is bipolar, paranoid, and over medicated, and not done any rehab work on her past drug abuse behavior and mindset. Although off crystal meth for several years, she has never done the "work" of a 12 step to deal with her perceptions of life.
(2) What to do to nurture myself mentally when dealing with her brutal insults and abuse? I cannot throw her out on the street as everyone suggests. She has lived on the streets before and it was the worst hell I have ever experienced just looking for her. I also have a 4 year old granddaughter to consider. The baby-daddy is a felon, (can it sound worse) and of course cannot find a job or contribute to child support. He lives with his parents at age 31 and is totally useless to society. They are no longer together Thank God.

Give me please, some encouragement, and some practical solutions or suggestions!

Yes, I can take her car (in my name) away. Yes I can evict her. Can I deal with the pain of her going to the Star of Hope Mission with my granddaughter, losing the only job she has ever kept (she's almost made it 6 months!), She did get off the Crystal Meth all on her own 4 years ago when she became pregnant. I am proud of her for that. She has been a good mother. What do I do? Would you throw her out? My newly wedded husband does not want me to throw her out. He is not happy with the financial burden, but does not complain. He feels sorry for her, and married me knowing what baggage he was inheriting. I just see no end to it, and she is so verbally abusive and hostile at times I just cannot deal with it.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Please don't judge me for enabling. I cannot abandon her to the streets. There is no place to go except for my home with my husband, and frankly I don't want her to live with us. She is mean, and I wouldn't put it past her to manipulate herself into destroying my marriage. I just don't see her ever being able to support herself. Should I view her as a disabled child and just accept it as my fate?

[JudyKayTee]

My daughter is 32 years old. She destroyed her reputation, career, and marriage doing heavy drugs beginning at age 25. My grandbaby is 4 years old, and my daughter is a single mother. She now works as a paralegal for $12.00 an hour, and is not very good at her job, although she is trying very hard. She is off illegal drugs altogether, but does take ADHD medication and an antidepressant now. My situation is this: if not for me, she would be homeless. She cannot maintain a relationship with anyone except her daughter, and surprisingly, has excellent mothering skills. It is the only role that she performs normally and well. She works full-time and pays for my grandbaby's day care, her gas, her food, and her own expensive medications. She wants to rebuild her life. I want to help her. I am paying her car payment and insurance so she can drive to a job. She is living in a modest home that I own but do not live in. (I remarried and live with my husband in his/our home). I am making the house payment and paying all the utilities as well on the home she lives in. She is so emotionally unstable I have no hope of her marrying or staying married to someone who will share her life and be a step parent to my grandbaby. She is very beautiful but anorexic and difficult to get along with, hostile, moody, paranoid and defensive. Multiple problems: she is so beligerent and disrespectful to me. I cannot talk to her about anything or offer much needed guidance--she goes completely ballistic. Of course like all abused parents, she blames me with all her faults and problems. The toxic relationship is horrible and painful. Her biological father is very sweet, and tries to help out a little financially, but he is disabled (alcoholism) and makes very little money. She literally has no one to help her but myself, and she can barely take care of her affairs. She brings home about $1200 per month, but as I said that covers daycare, medicine, gas, and food.

What can I do (1) to get out from under this huge financial burden? Is there hope? I cannot afford to pay for private counseling, she refuses to join or go to a social church group that would be free of charge, she has rejected my "religion" and doesn't do the church thing. Her situation is taking $2000 a month from my paycheck to keep her afloat. She desperately needs counseling, and I am sure the crystal meth caused some residual mental illness/damage, and the meds she takes are so strong, yet she cannot function without them. In spite of this, she is unusually brilliant as a writer, etc, but she can't keep even a cell phone without breaking or losing it, losing her keys, her pocketbook, letting her food stamps run out, has no sense of direction driving, she is so forgetful I don't know how she holds a job. She is constantly on probation at work. I am sure her psychiatrist has many names for her condition, but has not given a diagnosis to me. I can guess she is bipolar, paranoid, and over medicated, and not done any rehab work on her past drug abuse behavior and mindset. Although off crystal meth for several years, she has never done the "work" of a 12 step to deal with her perceptions of life.
(2) What to do to nurture myself mentally when dealing with her brutal insults and abuse? I cannot throw her out on the street as everyone suggests. She has lived on the streets before and it was the worst hell I have ever experienced just looking for her. I also have a 4 year old granddaughter to consider. The baby-daddy is a felon, (can it sound worse) and of course cannot find a job or contribute to child support. He lives with his parents at age 31 and is totally useless to society. They are no longer together Thank God.

Give me please, some encouragement, and some practical solutions or suggestions!

Yes, I can take her car (in my name) away. Yes I can evict her. Can I deal with the pain of her going to the Star of Hope Mission with my granddaughter, losing the only job she has ever kept (she's almost made it 6 months!), She did get off the Crystal Meth all on her own 4 years ago when she became pregnant. I am proud of her for that. She has been a good mother. What do I do? Would you throw her out? My newly wedded husband does not want me to throw her out. He is not happy with the financial burden, but does not complain. He feels sorry for her, and married me knowing what baggage he was inheriting. I just see no end to it, and she is so verbally abusive and hostile at times I just cannot deal with it.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Please don't judge me for enabling. I cannot abandon her to the streets. There is no place to go except for my home with my husband, and frankly I don't want her to live with us. She is mean, and I wouldn't put it past her to manipulate herself into destroying my marriage. I just don't see her ever being able to support herself. Should I view her as a disabled child and just accept it as my fate?

This is just so long that I admit I've only read the highlights.

If you can't abandon her to the streets (there are places she can go, at least in my area), you don't think she can support herself, you think she'll destroy your marriage.

You pick one or the other - your child or your marriage.

No, I wouldn't accept the dissolution of my marriage due to my child as my fate.

[TooHurt1953]

This is just so long that I admit I've only read the highlights.

If you can't abandon her to the streets (there are places she can go, at least in my area), you don't think she can support herself, you think she'll destroy your marriage.

You pick one or the other - your child or your marriage.

No, I wouldn't accept the dissolution of my marriage due to my child as my fate.

Thanks for your thoughts. The letter is way too long. No, I will not lose my wonderful marriage. She is disturbed, and things will either improve, or eventually she will find another place to live. Time will work this out.

[JudyKayTee]

Thanks for your thoughts. The letter is way too long. No, I will not lose my wonderful marriage. She is disturbed, and things will either improve, or eventually she will find another place to live. Time will work this out.

If she's troubled and driving a car registered/owned in your name and she's in an accident you could lose everything - I'd keep that in mind.

Good luck.

[gmaof04]

I have had limited experience with this type of behavior. If it were me... MY first priority would be for your grandchild. I contacted a counselor who put me in touch with "social services" for advice on how to deal with the "possible" repercussions of HER tantrums. Your daughter is playing the "pity card" with a vengeance and is good at it. My first focus would be the welfare of the child. Beyond that, where your daughter lands, is HER business.
None of this is easy, believe me... but your FIRST allegiance is to your husband. Have a serious conversation with HIM to be sure he is not simply trying to "carmel-coat" the entire situation to pacify your daughter, so as not to "rock YOUR apple cart".
Again, simply focus on her CHILD... this child is all THAT MATTERS, in the long run.
Good luck sweetie, you have some tough decisions to make, VERY soon.

[TooHurt1953]

I have had limited experience with this type of behavior. If it were me... MY first priority would be for your grandchild. I contacted a counselor who put me in touch with "social services" for advice on how to deal with the "possible" repercussions of HER tantrums. Your daughter is playing the "pity card" with a vengeance and is good at it. My first focus would be the welfare of the child. Beyond that, where your daughter lands, is HER business.
None of this is easy, believe me... but your FIRST allegiance is to your husband. Have a serious conversation with HIM to be sure he is not simply trying to "carmel-coat" the entire situation to pacify your daughter, so as not to "rock YOUR apple cart".
Again, simply focus on her CHILD.... this child is all THAT MATTERS, in the long run.
Good luck sweetie, you have some tough decisions to make, VERY soon.

I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read my long letter and then research options. That is so kind. You are absolutely right and I feel better and less like a martyr. I can't thank you enough. It is almost desperation to ask the general public to weigh in on one's personal decisions but collective "takes" on the situation is just so helpful. 😊👼

[gmaof04]

I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read my long letter and then research options. That is so kind. You are absolutely right and I feel better and less like a martyr. I can't thank you enough. It is almost desperation to ask the general public to weigh in on one's personal decisions but collective "takes" on the situation is just so helpful. 😊👼

You do not deserve this sort of attitude from your child. Turn the table on this situation and take charge of it. I am PROUD OF YOU for searching for a way to get out of this. You can DO this!