[Fulltime_Mom]

My 8 year old daughter is a sweet one. Today morning I noticed something very strange. She gets those small fliers from school which she has to get signed from us. I check her bag everyday for the homework and I didn’t notice that last week. The teacher sent a note that the homework was not complete and we had to sign that. She did not show that paper to me.

I was packing her lunch today and noticed that she signed the paper in my name. I was so upset and couldn’t decide what to do. I told the dad over phone and he was upset for a minute and told me not to make it an issue but discuss with her when she comes back and let her know that what she has done is wrong and it is cheating. I was thinking of telling this to her class teacher so that she brings it up in the class in front of others and the girl would realize that it is not correct.

Please advise.. I am still in a shock and I fail to understand how she could do this.

Thanks in advance

[J_9]

I was thinking of telling this to her class teacher so that she brings it up in the class in front of others and the girl would realize that it is not correct.

NO, NO, NO... would you want to be humiliated? That is exactly what you will be doing to your daughter.

You surely don't want to humiliate her in front of her teacher and her classmates do you? You know how cruel kids are, they could tease her for days and make her problems worse.


I agree with what your husband suggested totally. Not to make an issue until school is out and you can sit and talk to her.

The first thing you should do is to sit down and have a face to face discussion with your daughter. Let her know that this was wrong, it is lying, and you won't have any part of it. If it happens again, there will be consequences such as things or special times taken away, and will be given back when she earns them back.

It is apparent from your other post that there are other issues going on in your daughter's life. As was suggested before, it may be necessary that you get your daughter into some counseling.

[J_9]

Didn't mean to sound harsh up there, really I didn't, it cam out that way because I was surprised to hear that you planned on doing something like this.

Please, just talk to her, talk to her teacher, and maybe look toward getting your little on into counseling for this and her eating problems.

[Fulltime_Mom]

Hi J_9,

Thanks for your kind words. Her eating problems are not there now. We put her in karate and she is enjoying that and taking good food. She even improved her habits.. she is helping me out in kitchen and decides the menu and things like that. I was surprised that after being nice for a few days, she did this. My husband mentioned to me that may be she didn't realize that it was a big mistake and didn't want to get into trouble at home and school and thought this was the right. I am only concerned about her lying.

Thanks

[J_9]

I am glad to hear that everything else is working out for her.

However, she does in fact know this is wrong. If she didn't she would have spoken to you earlier about it. 8 year olds are not dumb, and you know that. She knew it was wrong and maybe was afraid she was going to get into trouble, so she hid it.

You need to sit her down and have a right long talk with her about this. Maybe schedule a meeting with her teacher, let her know what you found, and find an alternate way for you to get the info. My dauther's teachers are all online, homework is online, etc, so I have a couple of different ways to find out what is going on. Check with the teacher, see if she has e-mail and maybe ask to have the note sent to you via e-mail.

[tinsign]

NEVER humilate a child in that way, have you forgotten how cruel kids can be toward another? All kids do forget to turn in papers or just don't decide to do the homework at one time or another.
Do as your husband said " DON'T MAKE A MAJOR ISSUE" until you both are there together as one and have a talk with her.
The fact of knowing how much she has disappointed you both will be punishment in itself, and she will feel miserable to know she hurt the two of you by doing this.
A good weeks grounding though would not hurt her one bit, and by grounding I don't mean here go play your games or watch TV.

[Fulltime_Mom]

Tinsign,

What grounding techniques would help here? She loves to watch American Idol and it is tonight and tomorrow.. do I prevent her from watching it? That is the only she watches on TV other than her cartoon time.

Thanks

[Tuscany]

I agree with J-9. Just talk to her. Tell that it is wrong. Find out why she did it. I would not ground her yet. Use this as a learning experience. Tell her what her consequences would be if it happens again.

I would then contact the teacher and tell her that you would like a phone call home if your daughter ever misses an assignment, but do not discuss the note. As an educator, I can tell you that most teachers do not mind calling home especially if the parents are active participants in their child's education (like you seem to be).

[tinsign]

Tinsign,

What grounding techniques would help here? She loves to watch American Idol and it is tonight and tomorrow..do I prevent her from watching it? that is the only she watches on TV other than her cartoon time.

thanks

It would not hurt her to miss the Idol show or cartoons, I am sure as all children could that reading will benefit her much more than Idol or cartoons for a week. It is not like she will not survive by having TV took away and it will give her something to think about.
Something that has always tickled me is when I see friends ground children to their rooms, I think what? Most kids have TV, toys, games, you name it so what sort of grounding is that? Not much I tell you. What I did when my boys were young was your grounded to the livingroom until bedtime.. thier worst nightmare lol was having to just sit there "saying man this is beyond what other kids get when they are grounded" I use to say yes now aren't you glad you have me for a parent? Lol they were allowed to read and write letters of apologies to teachers.

[kp2171]

I did something like that once when I was a young kid.

I knew enough to know it wasn't right... but still did it, and I'm sure I was in trouble. Can't remember the punishment.

I wouldn't fret too much and I wouldn't let it go. You've had some good advice in the above posts.

With my daughter, the best punishments were mundane tasks that were to be "done to my satisfaction" which meant it might never end unles it was done well. She was hard headed, so she might be spiteful at first, but in the end would be sorry.

One time when she was much older (15?) and mouthy she was told she was grounded from email. She said she didn't care. OK. Now she was grounded from email, phone and the house. Tears starting to well up, but stubborn as ever, she said she still didn't care. OK. Now you are cleaning the copper pot bottoms of the pans in the kitchen.

So after dinner, and after supervised homework, she started cleaning the pans. She was full of vitrol that night.

The next night, again, after dinner and homework, she had to clean some more. This night she felt sorry for herself but wasn't so acidic.

By the end of the third night, knowing we could pull out more pans, she was genuinely sorry shed opened her mouth and she was apologetic. She was done cleaning the pans and then had to wait out the rest of the week for the phone/computer/etc grounding to be over.

Now... the tasks a 15 year old should do and your child should do are different. Also, I'm not a big fan of using cleaning ALL the time as a "punishment". I have a friend who HATES to clean and she claims is because that was her only punishment when she was a kid. My wife tends to like cleaning tasks as part of a punishment, like grounding from something and cleaning the window casings.

I suppose this is just a variation on the old "i won't do [whatever] in school again" chalkboard writing tasks. 100 times. Till your hand cramps.

Yes, TV is something that you can absolutely take away. You could always tape the show, and let her know she will be able to watch it later, after she's allowed to watch TV again... or after some task is done. Or you could simply make her miss the show all together, and explain why.

Being so young, and this being the first time, I think she needs to be talked to without being too harsh, and she also needs to understand there is some punishment for being dishonest. Even if that is sitting alone in the corner with nothing to do for 30 minutes.

[J_9]

The task idea that KP presented is a great idea which I just had to use recently on my newly turned 5 year old.

He was bad at school, did not listen, talked back, and pushed another child. This was the day before his 5th dirthday last week.

When we got home from school the TV (cartoons or whatever) did NOT go on, he had to sweep the kitchen floor (to my satisfaction, so it took him a while), wash the front glass door (to my satisfaction), mop the kitchen floor, fold laundry, and vaccuum. Guess what, he has gotten much better in school and now loves to help around the house.

See, he preferred getting good attention by doing good. He enjoyed the praise he got from a job well done rather than a punishment for being bad.

Now, the chores were a punishment, but he got praised. So, now (at least the end of last week and so far this week) he has become a model student and comes home and asks how he can help before going out to play.