[totalyconfused2]

I will begin by saying that I had no intention of ending up in this situation. I realize that I made choices, some of which were not the best, and that my circumstances are a direct result of my decisions. I would appreciate it if people would keep their insults and negativity to themselves, and only offer insightful and meaningful responses. I will start at the beginning so that I can provide everyone with all of the details.
I myself am a single, strong, and independent woman. I have a very lucrative career, which occupies the vast majority of my time. Additionally, in my career I am often the subject of the public eye. Nearly two years ago, I was at a public relations event, several women who work in the same field as myself, decided to go out for a few drinks following the event. I decided to join them, and along with us came several of the men also attending the event. A few drinks turned into many drinks, and this is where my story begins.
One of the men who came with us, would eventually turn into my lover. He is a very prominent public figure (he is not involved in politics), and the two of us got to talking and dancing in the bar. One thing led to another, and with alcohol lowered inhibitions, the two of us spent the night together. I was unaware at this time that he had a wife, and two small children. The relationship became strictly sexual, and we met up once or twice a week as my work schedule would allow. Slowly we began to see each other more and more, and instead of strictly having sex we started to go for dinner and weekend trips. It was around this time that I learned he was married. Once I learned this, I ended my relationship with him. I was horrified, and angry that he had deceived me.
Ending the relationship was extremely difficult because I had developed loving feelings towards this man. I was shocked when I received a phone call from his wife. When she told me who she was I expected to be called every name in the book, however what I heard was the complete opposite. She told me that she had known about our relationship, and she was upset with me for having ended it. According to HER, their marriage was loveless, and they had both been seeking love in extra marital relationships. She told me that she wanted our relationship to continue, because after my leaving him, he had told her he wanted a divorce. She relies on him financially (he keeps her in designer clothes), and she was hoping that if I took him back he would be willing to return to their previous arrangement.
After this phone call, I immediately called him on his cell phone. He came over, and my intense feeling took over, and we instantly began our relationship again.
We got together nearly a year ago, and we are still together today. Since then we have been spending even more time together, and because his wife knows we often spend the entire night together. I have even scaled back my work, because I honestly think that I may have found the one.
This finally leads to my question. He has been consulting with a divorce lawyer, and is nearly ready to serve her with papers. I thought this was what I wanted him to do, but I am beginning to feel bad for his wife. Should I feel this way? I want to be with him, but I also feel bad for stealing him from her...

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

[Wondergirl]

How do you know the woman on the phone was his wife? It would be easy enough to find a woman friend who would pose as the wife and con you. His wife may still be in the dark about you.

What he did to her he will do to you, you realize.

I would dump him and try to regain myself respect.

[backpack2389]

I have to agree with what Wondergirl said about him having strong potential to cheat on you the way he cheated on his wife. I also find it odd that his wife would want the affair to continue, even if she had money to gain. Assuming they didn't have a prenup she would still get money from the divorce as well as getting money in child support and she wouldn't have to deal with a cheating husband and a loveless marriage. In fact, if she found another husband that loved her and would be faithful, divorce would be a favorable option. That whole part of the story seems odd and I would check on it if you can.

Yet, if their marriage really has deteriorated to the point that they don't care who the other person sleeps with then perhaps divorce would be best. Much consideration, however, does not seem to have been given to the children in this situation. Children whose parents divorce suffer all kinds of negative consequences, especially if they are very young. So I would only continue on this path if you're willing to be a mom to them even in the face of being viewed as the (insert insulting term here) that destroyed their family. Which, make no mistake, you have played a role in breaking up even if you did not start the problem.

Even if the divorce is amicable enough and you get to marry him in the end, you will still have to deal with his kids and will be facing the great possibility that he will cheat on you. This does not seem like the proper start for a happy marriage, assuming that's what you're wanting.

[James1969]

You seem to be a sensible woman both in terms of values and wisdom.Please try to re-confirm the entire information you have with you about the whole thing.It sounds unnatural to me.I agree with the above views.

Your feeling about the man's wife is absolutely correct and speaks how kind you are.Follow your wisdom.

Best wishes!

[melissag4fun]

I have been in a relationship with a married man (I am separated and filing for divorce next month) now for over a year and his wife also knows. We actually lived together for 5 months until I told him to return home to his kids because it was killing him to be away from them. He became ill and I decided to ask his wife to lunch which she agreed with. We talked about certain things and she told me she knows he loves and always will love me but she wants me to end it, she said that he is unable to walk away from me and that I have to be the stronger one. She also said that she expects to be with him forever and not be intimate or sleep in the same bed... who says those things... really!!
Well I am at the point now that I am going to tell him he needs to make a choice, me or her, this has nothing to do with his kids, his kids will always be a part of his life but I will not if he continues on this path. I deserve to be first and expect to be first!! And yes I am ready to be a part of their lives in anyway I can. I love this man and I do know that he loves me also. And for those of you who want to call me names and insult me, go right ahead because I am not a homewreaker. The damage was done before I even came into the picture... and trust me I am strong enough that your words cannot hurt me. Do not be so quick to judge people you do not know.
I wouldn't feel bad for her... all she wants is his money and that's messed up! I would tell he to go forward with the divorce!! She needs to get a job and fend for herself... depending on a man to take of you financially is just plain wrong!!