[Mercurian]

I'm a female in my mid-twenties dating a younger guy in my own town.

I'm upset because one of his friends on a social website referred to me by an objectifying, raunchy, & demeaning term, and my dude seemed to not care, maybe even found it humorous. I know it wasn't my BF himself calling me by that name, but I know any friend of mine would have stood up for me, especially in a public forum.

I sent him a private message stating plainly that I found it hurtful, so I'm waiting to hear what he has to say.
Our relationship is 1 month young, but we both became close very fast, probably too fast in most people's opinion. He really adores me and already talks about marriage off-handed or jokingly. I'm not sure why he is in a rush for commitment, other than he thinks I am 'the one.' He is not controlling. I do think maybe he lacks security emotionally, and maybe hasn't had a lot of relationship experience. He was previously engaged two years ago, but was betrayed by his fiancée.

Another thing that bothers me is that he has a female friend who already openly dislikes me just for the fact that I have become his girlfriend. She seems to feel like their friendship will be threatened, maybe? I seem to be defined as his girlfriend and not as an individual in her eyes. We have not been introduced. My BF tells me that they used to cuddle together while watching movies, which caused problems in his last relationship. I don't feel threatened by her, but it makes me wonder about the emotional needs / state of my BF. He does have high anxiety.

All of this evidence has caused me to think maybe I am a security blanket to him, and he doesn't realize it. Does it seem like he craves emotional intimacy?

He wants this close relationship, but it's leaving me with confused feelings about what he expects and I have trouble figuring out what I expect. I guess I'm asking for advice to get my head straight. And the problem about the name-calling irks me to no end! I don't even know how to respond to that, I'm just angry. I know he's around a bunch of roughnecks at work all day, but still... it's me!

Other than what is upsetting me, he is an all-around good, decent person who I respect and appreciate. I don't have a definable question, I guess I'm just asking for opinions! Thank you.

[0rphan]

There are lots of issues going on here... as you say he is younger than you also you've only been together for 1 month.

A younger guy dating an older women,would immediately bring comments from the boyfriend mates,as you say they are a load of rough necks... says it all doesn't it! It's just a man thing,something they can't help doing, very often there is nothing meant by their comments,it's a case of opening their mouths before their brain is engaged... typical bloke ,especially when in the company of mates.I would say that nothing personal was intended just joking about between themselves.


You found this very offensive,mainly because the boyfriend didn't speak up for you... he wouldn't knowing that it was just joking around ,not thinking for one moment that you would take offence at this,however this doesn't make it right and shows how immature he really is.

As for marriage etc... forget it he is not for you.I think you are correct in thinking that you are his security for now... providing everything necessary for his ego to survive, his recent split from his 2year previous relationship.

I am sure that he is a decent bloke but I feel he wants the penny and the bun.By all means have girls as friends or yourself men as friends,that is acceptable but to have a girl/boyfriend plus all that goes with it and.. cuddles with a third party as well... no there has or will be more at some point with these third party members.You are right to be concerned here,Why have you not been introduced? Why would she hate you other than the reason of jelousy.A true friend would welcome you and introduce her/himself to you.

I notice the word... love... has not been mentioned, only the fact that you appreciate him and that he is a decent person.

My advise... forget this as a long term relationship,it is going no where solid,there is no foundation for it to build on,if you can accept this,then just enjoy the moment while it lasts...

[mmresd]

Sometimes males have relationships with each other that females are not able to comprehend. Yes, it is rude to call someone you care about or for that matter, and female that you come in contact with, hurtful names. But whenever guys talk, especially from a different culture (I say this from personal experience) you refer to things differently, but not because you see them as that, it is just humour between you are your buds. I had this same problem with someone about a month ago, I explained things and she got over it, but every now and then whenever I say something she brings it back up.

[Mercurian]

Thanks to both of you for your opinions. I guess now I just have to figure out a way to let him know I'm not ready to mention marriage. Really I just want to share good times, we probably had sex too early because that's when all this emotional seriousness started. He really wants to be attached to me; he's talked about getting a domestic partnership! which I said no to.

He's very sweet and sensitive. All the romance, cuddling, and all is very sweet but at times it feels more like indulgence than substantial. I don't know how to bring these issues up with him.

He works at inconvenient hours so most of our time spent together is [literally] sleeping together at night. We don't live together, I visit him. I've told him I want more quality time together doing other things than hanging out at his house, but it doesn't seem like it's important enough for him to make time for (my opinion). He says it's hard to make time, but I think if it meant anything to him he would put in the work and make time. I know I try hard for him, but it always ends up I'm either hanging out with him and his friends or spending the night at his house. I've expressed this to him with little success.

I guess I really am an emotional security blanket? But he says he really cares about me and looks like he means it. Maybe you're right about the maturity thing...

And right about the penny and the bun! Wants the sweets without having to put much effort / pay for it.

[talaniman]

This is way to deep for strangers whose bodies have clicked, but still strangers. Really, a month?? Maybe the lust is wearing off on your part.

For sure its to soon to dump his friends for you, or for you to know his friends. Heck you barely know him. He probably is in it because the sex and company is good, and you are willing, and available. That's probably why you are in it too, but that can change whenever you want it to.

Say what's on your mind and let him deal with it.