[fred1978]

Hi there,

I have to say I'm quite impressed with the responses to questions, similar to that I was looking for however mine is a little more unique and I hope that you kind folks can share some advice with me on my current situation.

Before I go head first into this mess I'm in, I live in Germany but I am a native english speaker. My german is good enough but sometimes communication is not so easy when you your vocabulary is limited.

So about 4 months ago I met a girl through an online dating service. She's 20 (yes I know she's young) and I'm 28 and it only took a week before we met. After that things were awesome. Every weekend we were together. She lives with her parents and 2 sisters and they all really liked me. It was better then I could have imagined... then she started having some difficult personal issues.

About a 1.5 months ago she got her first speeding ticket. No biggy, but in Germany you are on probation for 2 years. So 2 more and she loses her license and has to pay big bucks to take the German driving course and get her license again. Well 3 weeks later, she ran a red light even though she said it wasn't her fault and was caught on a camera. That's an instant license yank!! Then she had a big fight with her mom and she was very angry... OK what ever, everyone gets in those pissy moods. A few more days pass and then her laptop hard drive fried. She's doing her apprentice ship, and projects that she has months to work on were lost. Very distressing. However she continuously told during this span of bad luck that the only luck she has had was with me. This was when we revealed to each other that we were falling for each other hard.

I felt bad for her and seeing as Valentines day was coming up, I sent her roses, and then the following weekend took her to a nice 5 star hotel and had a very romantic night.

Here is where things take a turn... that following week after the hotel stint we were texting like usual daily and it sounded like she was going out drinking a lot with her friends which I'm cool with. And she told me she was hanging out with one of her guy friends whom is like a really good friend of hers and I said to say hi for me. This was a first time for me to ask this and she said that's probably not a good idea because he doesn't like foreigners. I thought that was stupid so I asked if he was jealous or something. She responded by saying that he just doesn't like strange men. What ever, I couldn't care less.

The next day I was going to see if she would be home later to talk and she said yah, you can call around 3 or 4 am. Immediately a flag came up but OK, she said she would. But I didn't call. I'm not going to wake up so late to just chit chat. Later that following day I sent another text to see how she was and she wrote back saying she doesn't want to talk to anyone today. Immediate flag so I just said fine.

2 Days later she comes online (a week ago she got a new computer thanks to her grampa) and tells me she has not in the last few days with anyone text messaged or called. Her reason was that she currently has too many problems and wants to be alone. She followed that up saying that I can like her other friends hate her too and that she will let me decide on that. She again followed that up saying that as long as she hates her self, she will keep to herself and try to put her life back in order again.

How I responded was simple, I didn't freak and just told her that I didn't know what to say with my limited german. And that I'm here for her when she's ready. She responded saying sorry but at the moment she has no more strength for herself. Then I got a little angry and said if she wants to break up with me, just say so. I had many german friends read her response to this and they all said that what she wrote does not indicate she wants to break up. Only that currently her life is not fair, and that she thought she was OK but she wasn't.

So 2 weeks later, we haven't talked... she's been online but always set to "Not available" which is unusual but OK, I'll give her that. I tried contacting her a couple times but no go.

My german friends "guys and girls" all think she has a genuine problem and that I should wait it out, give her space... ahh yes the dreaded space phrase... but I don't know... I am worried for her because I actually like this girl a lot more than I originally thought. I know I could always call her sisters and ask what is up but if I did that, I know she would find out and that would only make things worse.

For once in my life, this is one relationship I'm willing to fight for.

This post is a long one but I wanted to be thorough. I look forward to hearing what all of you have to say on this.

Fred

[kp2171]

Well...

The real truth is simply you don't know, and you probably have reason to be at least a little on edge.

Could she just be freaking out? Sure. It happens. Depression makes people withdrawl and maybe she's flat out depressed. You might be a good thing happening to her, but you cannot save her. She's gone through a lot of crap and she could just be busy and need some space. It happens.

And then there's all the other worse possibilities... that she's just not in a funk. That she maybe is overwhelmed by the relationship, or she likes someone else, or that she's conflicted with your relationship being good... hell, some people have a hard time being happy, etc. you've already played those out in your mind.

I guess id be reserved and a little patient a little longer. You really don't know the truth yet. Experience with my own relationships says brace for the worst. On the other side, I know when I get crabby (more than normal) id rather be alone.

But she's got to know you have tried to contact. If this keeps up, it's a cowards way to break off contact.

So too soon maybe to pronounce it done and gone, but I think its an uphill battle. Keep us updated.

[fred1978]

Yeah maybe it is still too early to tell and we will see how things turn out in the next couple weeks. I will for sure keep you informed on how things turn out. In the mean time I'll just chill and keep doing my thing like before we were together. Then again, that's easier said than done!


Before I try to go to sleep (it's 4:30 am here) I forgot to mention that when she told me she wanted to be alone because life wasn't treating her so well, that if it made more sense to me why she feels this way, was that she might be losing her job... I guess that was her way of explaining how fragile she is right now... I forgot to write this because I can't sleep thanks to this damned headache!!

[fred1978]

So last night I ended up talking to her older sister. I wasn't going to call but I did anyway... I originally wanted to talk to my girlfriend but her sister answered so I talked to her instead. As it turns out, my girlfriend really is very depressed and even her sister is not sure why it's so bad but the fact is it is. I asked her sister to say nothing about me calling and I hope she will keep that promise. I didn't want to go behind her back about this but I am genuinely worried about her. I know there is not much more I can do... so I hope some of you might offer some advice on this. I know I could always go to her place and surprise her to try and cheer her up but who knows how she would react to this since she wants to be alone... then again, this could make her very very happy... I don't know... just looking for some help here.